Hold on S...just Hold on...

Poor S. What a crummy couple of week's she's had. I won't go into details because it's her life, but suffice it to say that she's had her fair share of kick-you-in-the-gut type moments. Being the choked up ball of empathy, in combination with my McGiver-like tendencies, I can't help but want to fix it all for her...but this is out of my control. Nor has she asked for a single bit of help and quite rightfully she could...as we are bound and contracted to each other...but she continues to surprise me with her total fucking awesome-ness.

And she's 25 years old people...it's inspiring.

But I remember being 25 and how unsettled my life was. I was dating men I didn't really want to be dating, doing a job I couldn't stand, ignoring bills and ruining my credit ... Most importantly, I didn't treat my friends the way I would treat them now...I wish that had been different... I was a different person then, one I can't say I was too proud of.

But S is different. We were both expected at the clinic today, and she told me she was going to go early. I was aiming to go early as well, but I could not get a grip this morning and ended up being quite late. As I walked into the clinic, my heart sank a little...as from a distance I could see that the sign-in sheet had only 3 names on it. I froze for a second, and said to myself...oh please let S's name be there.

It was...it was there.

She's my little life saver right now. Even if this doesn't work...I will always remember her as the girl who came into my life when I needed someone the most.

My 2010 New Year’s Resolution is...

To stop being UN-pregnant.

I totally think I can pull it off don’t you? I have always had “the will”, but this year…this magical 2010 year, I have “the way”. It comes in the form of a beautiful 25 year old Fin with an abundance of what I’m missing. Fertility.

Here’s where the shivers run down the spine. For whatever strange reason, I missed a period...for like the very first time in my long and successful career in menstruating. This happened about the time I met “S”. Now SHE had just moved here from Finland, and hadn’t had a period in weeks! During her physical we discovered that her body was in shut down mode – that it was confused by the environmental change, and needed to be kick started…so we gave her a medication to induce a period. Would you believe that the very day her period started, mine started as well? I mean is that a sign or what??? I really don’t know if it holds much significance in the grand scheme of things, but given my dismal set of circumstances over the past 5 years, this just seemed like an “Aha!” moment, you know? I mean, honestly, what are the chances??

So this month, the month of January, the clinic will monitor S to see what her body produces naturally. Then next month, if all goes well, we go for it!

So ok, this is very very exciting, yes. I agree there is no “logical” reason to be pessimistic…other than the fact that I am such an underachiever in this department. I can’t help but wonder if I will screw this up too. I mean, my god, it’s not for lack of trying. But is it like watching a gymnast miss the vault and injure herself every--single--time? Eventually you have to look away, because you KNOW she’s just not cut out for it. I wonder if that’s what’s at work here… I don’t like to think that way, because other people make it happen all the time… but it's hard not to.

Just tell me my 6mm uterus will accept this embryo. Please, just tell me this is going to work.

I'm sorry! I really am!

Its been a busy busy time...and every day I think good god, I need to write something down for my peeps. Tomorrow...I promise tomorrow I will buckle down...

Unless I get really busy at work and then throw that out the window.

The Donor World is a Lonely Place

So...I know its been a while, but I guess I've been a little stuck at the keyboard. The writer's block happened as a result of fear - How much can I say, how much should I say? It's not that I'm too proud or that it's "too weird" to talk openly about our need for an egg donor - no, that part I am 100% ok with and actually I'm thankful that this is an option available to me, because let's face it I need the help! It's all the messed up legalities that seem to linger behind it all, and the fact that this is fairly uncharted territory for women like me...who are doing this all on their own with no agency guidance or government backing - just me treading water on my own.

I do have some help. I, of course, have a wonderful husband, and parents who absolutely support this move, and a great couple of friends who have practially fought the fight with me...along my side every step of the way. Then there is another friend who did donor eggs through an agency, and her experience and advice has been invaluable. So although it is me alone, I have some great life support.

As you know we found a great donor. We'll call her "S". It's almost crazy that we lucked into such a willing donor right off the bat. I keep waiting for the ball to drop because it was too easy, and she is too lovely. All I can do is hope that the "powers that be" have been holding their breath waiting for me to make this decision, and once I did they let out a big sigh of relief, high-five'd each other, said "finally!!" and handed me S. That is how I'm processing this - that all this pain and suffering - all of this fight for us to have a family, needed to come down to this final decision, and that they were all just waiting for me to realize it.

Currently she (and in this case "we") are waiting for her period so we can begin the testing required to ensure she is a suitable candidate. She will have blood work drawn to test for all STD's, among other things, a full physical workup, and an ultra sound to ensure that she is producing enough follicles for me. Then we hope that the doctor will give us the green light and then we wait again, for her next period. At that point it would be just like I was doing an IVF, except that she will be doing the egg production part of it. They will "sync" us up so that our bodies are in tune, and she will do the stimulation drugs (injections) to produce as many good follicles as she can. She will have the egg retrieval (bless her heart) and then her part of the puzzle is done. They will then take her healthy 25 year old eggs and fertilize them with Chris's sperm...3-5 days later, they put them back in me and then we begin the dreaded 2WW (two week wait).

BUT one step at a time...for now we wait - we wait for S's period.

You're probably asking yourself, when will all of this happen? Well, if S completes her testing in December, then the IVF can begin in January. I know, it is crazy fast! I can't begin to explain to you how exciting this is for me. This might just work! I really might just work!!

The Search for "The One"

It has been a very busy week indeed and with the help of a few friends I’ve learned an incredible amount about the process of finding a suitable egg donor. You may or may not be aware that egg donation within Canada is perfectly legal. I was surprised by this too, but it’s not the obtaining of the eggs that is illegal, it is the purchasing of the eggs that is illegal. One can, however, pay for the expenses incurred by an egg donor, because while they are doing this altruistically, they still need to be compensated for their incidentals…

At least that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

It’s somewhat understandable in a sense, as under law eggs are considered “body parts” and we can’t start trading body parts for money. Imagine, “Perfectly good ticker goes to the highest bidder!” It makes sense…but then what is sperm considered??…because it’s perfectly legal to buy sperm. What is the difference? Where’s the equality?

Why do the powers that be in this country always manage to screw everything up?

Now as a result, we Canadian women have to skulk around, wheeling and dealing like a couple of two bit criminals, whispering nervously and sliding figures across the table on dinner napkins. I kid you not – have you seen this? http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/pregnancy/article/728915--hatching-babies-our-black-market-in-human-eggs
Front page of the Toronto Star last Saturday, I seriously just about DIED.

How can we not be looking over our shoulders, waiting for the Men in Black to bust in?

But back to the art of finding an egg donor…I was extremely fortunate. I placed an ad and had an overwhelming response – in part, due to the article as it brought a lot of focus to the subject. At least 5 women mentioned it, and all of them understood my plight. There truly are women out there who just want to help a couple like us start a family. I find it incredible.

Most of the women were great, but one of them stood out from the rest…I can’t quite put my finger on what it was that led me to want her and only her…but it was overwhelming. We have since become connected, and probably will be for life. I think a lot of people think a donor should come and go quietly, never to be seen again, but everything I’ve learned, from the mandatory counseling we’ve had to have to the week long adoption training we’ve taken, has prepared me for “openness”. I want my children to know everything, as early as possible…and I want them to be able to explore their options, later in life if they wish to. I think people are so scared that their child will run off with the donor…it is absurd. Think about it. Nothing can replace the mother who nurtured you from birth, tucked you into bed and read you a story every night of your life, wiped your tears when you fell off your bike, made tacos on Friday and held you tight, until your fever broke.

But I can understand the curiosity that goes along with wanting to know why your eyes are a certain color, and why your skin is a certain tone… curiosity is built-in – we can’t deny it. So why would we? Go, explore, discover…and then come home to me.

What Would MacGyver do?

Well, its been an interesting week to say the least. One thing you may not know about me, is that I'm impulsive. I don't sit and contemplate and think of pros and cons and consider all options like most smart people, I jump in with both feet and usually with my eyes closed. I guess I work from the heart.

The thing is, the quicker I jump in, the less overwhelming the task seems. Until I sit down and actually DO it, its a big unknown that eats away at me...a big overwhelming nagging feeling that won't lift until I get started.

I've learned a lot in a week. First of all, I decided to investigate egg donor agencies...just to get the ball rolling. It seemed a less daunting, albeit expensive endeavor, to be able to put the in's and out's of egg donation into the hands of the professionals. The agency would take care of everything, from legal documents right down to flights, hotels and meals. I wouldn't have to manage any of that. Sounded good to me...until I discovered that my doctor's office won't deal with agencies. Great. Another road block. (Is someone maniacally laughing at me right now? Seriously people.) I was quite upset with this newest glitch having gotten used to the idea of an agency donation, and doing some on-line donor shopping. It was so nice to be able to see all of the donors and to be able to narrow it down to someone with Scottish heritage, brown hair and grey/green eyes. There were a handful of donors I would have been entirely happy to choose...but to do this I would need to change doctors...a-gain. Dr. A. simply won't budge on the issue.

After much discussion with my trusted Peaches, and against my initial inclination, I decided to just try to see if I could find an independent donor - someone local. So I posted a couple of ads in local on-line classifieds to see what was out there in the world of private donation. Not really the path I wanted to go down, but this is how it's done here...this is how people find donors. I've had one response so far and I very quickly learned that "measuring up" goes both ways...I have to measure up for her...so we'll see how this plays out.

I find it incredible this road I'm on - this road to finding a baby we can call our own...absolutely incredible. I don't know a single other person in my life (other than the Peaches) who has had to fight the way I've had to. It used to make me crazy, but now I just realize that this is my "big challenge" ...this is my life exam. Will I pass? Well, who knows...but the fact that I've gotten this far and haven't yet thrown in the towel leads me to believe I will. I have a nickname for myself. It's MacGyver. It's MacGyver because I've always been able to come up with a solution.

The MacGyver in me will figure out a way.

Day-dreaming in Donorville

Do you find it ironic that I have a carton of expired eggs in my fridge? I do. Yesterday around dinner time, I found Chris with his head in the fridge mumbling “what to eat…what…to...eat…” Since there was nothing that came encased in cellophane and with a twist tie, in a box or a can, in a “baked goods” container, a jar, or from Kraft, I knew there would be nothing of interest. He concluded, “nuthin’ to eat but old eggs.”

Would you eat an expired egg? I wouldn’t. In fact, I think I might head to Loblaws after work and disassemble the egg section until I find the best possible “best before” date. I shall then come home and carefully place the eggs into my fridge. I’m not even sure I’ll eat them – but will find peace in knowing they are there and “fresh” and available for use.

Are you smellin' what I'm frying?

I find myself dreaming of becoming pregnant - and soon…and this dream has everything to do with using someone else’s eggs. I can’t help but become excited, just thinking about flipping through pictures in a Donor Book, not unlike flipping through the pages of a magazine and finding the right “pair of genes”. Maybe my uncanny ability to find the best (and usually most expensive) item du jour has prepared me for this final shopping task.

I’m tired of not having a family to call my own and I don’t have much faith in my own ability to conceive… I’m not 100% there yet, but I’m pretty damn close. I think we need to stop day-dreaming, and start living in reality…don’t you?

An Angel

A fairly good weekend. What made it so great was my visit with Elizabeth. She's my chubby, stylish, always-in-a-good-mood friend. Even when she has a fever and her cheeks are pomegranate red, I can always get a smile out of her just by saying "Hi!". She's 5 months old and I AAAADOOOOORE her.

So yeah, good weekend!

Other People's Kids

After my monitoring appointment, and at the request of my husband, I found myself in the lineup of a very packed MacDonalds. In front of me was a mother with an infant and a toddler at her side...I would guess about three years of age. This child...this child was... well I'm not sure I can describe just how awful he was. He spun like a top, grunting and spinning about, lifting up his shirt and bellowing, "RHHAAAAAAAAAH RHAAAAAAAAH RHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" to his mother, who was visibly annoyed AND ignoring him. He then decided to run at her, hitting her purse and swinging it off her arm. He did this 4 or 5 times, until his mother finally said firmly, "stop." At that point he figured his magic was working on mom and started snapping "I WON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!! OK MOM? I WON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!! OKAAAY MOM?" Guess what happened next. Yep - attack of the purse, but this time he pushed it so hard that it flew out of her hand and spilled onto the floor. Resigned, she silently picked up her belongings while devil child tried to push her off her crouch...and for one tiny moment I thought to myself...

I'M GLAD THAT MY IVF WAS CANCELED.

Ok not really, but it WAS perfect timing. With the possibility of this IVF working and becoming a mother, someone was showing me that it's not always all it's cracked up to be. It gave me a moment of relief...that I would not yet be burdened with a child I'm not entirely sure I could love.

Then I realized that my child wouldn't be that child - he was someone else's child. And of course she loves her child - any mother would love their child no matter what. But it did give me a bit of comic relief and given the timing, I thought it was a nice little gift from the heavens above...like they were winking at me saying "are you SUUUUURE???"

I finally said to her, "it's gonna be a looong day huh? Nap time soon?" which I guess is just totally fucking annoying if you're a mom on the cusp of a nervous breakdown...but if she knew my situation, she might have had a bit of a sense of humor. A dirty glare was all I got...and I just shrugged and thought "good luck with that."

THE IVF was canceled because I no longer have 3 and 4 follicles, but only 2 on my left side...yeah, the side with no fallopian tube. Thanks. Lot of good that'll do me. I met with the doc in his office and we both agreed that this cycle was a bust.

But to finish off the cycle, I am to take one more dose of Gonal F tonight. This will grow the follicles up, and then I'll trigger on Tuesday so that they can release and not become cysts.

What's next? I have no idea... but I am leaning towards something radically different.

The Definition of Insanity

So it begins.

I can’t say that I am doing back flips over the results of our first blood work/ultrasound appointment. My FSH level came in at 10.5 (booooooohissssssss) and there are 3 follicles on the left and 3-4 on the right. I think, once again, I am producing a borderline cycle – which means this IVF is going to suck the life out of me…or just plain SUCK. It feels like another cancellation in the making, or the transfer of maybe one crappy struggling embryo. Sorry I hate to be Debbie Downer, but I’m just about done with all this IVF business. As my good friend Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

CD1 of IVF # 6...

Seriously 6? Soon I'll be in double digits.

Today's the start of the most promising cycle to date...other than San Francisco which I thought would be a sure thing. Maybe just this once things will go smoothly. Maybe I'll have an explosion of follicles - like 12 - that would be an explosion of epic proportions in my world.

Lets face it - numbers is where its at this round. I need LOTS to put back...not just one (which I hate to say is more likely than anything) - but 4 or 5 or 6... So come on ovaries don't fail me this time! MAKE. ME. PROUD.

The "Announcement"

We've all been there. It starts out innocently enough...a nice dinner, a walk in the park, a phone call, only to be blindsided by the news of a pregnancy. As difficult as it is for me to admit, or explain, this is probably the most painful part of the TTC process.

Most women don't have to endure never-ending announcements because they too, eventually become pregnant. Maybe even a SuperFert with a killer competitive streak might have experienced the twinge of jealousy by someone TTCing at the very same time. They won. The beat you to the punch. Ouch right? I figure most women actively TTC will probably feel a pinch of sadness for themselves - even if they know it's just a matter of time.

For people like me, announcements bring all kinds of miserable emotions to the surface. Its such a hard place to be because I don't want the person to think I'm not happy for them. OF COURSE I'M HAPPY FOR THEM. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. Four years ago I would plaster on the happiest face I could muster and pray I wasn't being transparent. Then I got really good at it - and really good at PREDICTING it. I basically assumed everyone was pregnant and everyone would announce. That way I wouldn't be blindsided - it was absolute self-preservation. I even would tell someone "I bet ____ is pregnant." so I could later hear, "you called it!" Somehow this lessened the blow...

I've played the game for years now, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling my throat close shut and my stomach squeeze tight while I slap a smile across my face, wishing the ground would swallow me whole. I'm tired of choking back tears and wishing for it all to be over so we can move onto talking about something else. I'm tired of being the only person who can't talk about her pregnancy or brag about her kids. And I'm really tired of putting my friends in a position where they can't really talk freely about their lives, for fear of hurting my feelings. I wouldn't blame them if they secretly all wanted to get together without me...although I know they never would. It must be difficult for them too, wondering how to be around me, praying they don't say something wrong.

I never wanted anyone to walk on eggshells around me - I figured it would be the fastest way to isolate myself and I know I'm right. For the most part I think I've accomplished this by being an open book about infertility and for not taking offense to anything. I try my very best to feel genuine happiness when someone announces their pregnancy, but on the rare PMSy, planets-not-aligned, lack of sleep occasion I just can't do it. I guess this post is to explain that someone like me would never want to appear a spoil sport over someone else's blessing. Don't take it personally, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with someone like me going through something like this. I say this now because I've decided I can't keep pretending I'm OK all the time. Announcements kill me. Sorry - but you have to know and understand this. So if you announce a pregnancy to me, just expect me to be upset, and I'm sorry in advance if I've ruined your happy moment - trust me I never wanted to be in this situation.

Just know that I'm not upset because you're pregnant, I'm upset because I'm not.

Love to all my friends and family,
xo

Drama Queen

I tend to be dramatic - its a good thing. It makes me more interesting. No that's not me in the picture although I wish it were. She has fabulous hair and is probably ripe with fertility.

I think the only person who doesn't appreciate my dramatic flair is Chris (for obvious reasons) ...and maybe my dad...although thankfully the days of storming off in a teenage sized rage and using a foot to slam the bedroom door are long behind me.

I get worked up see...and that's when things get out of hand. I thought that the doctor was pulling a fast one on me...that he might be all talk and no action. The more I thought about it, the more I compared this experience to the one I had at Lifequest. You have to agree that this last IVF attempt was a bit of a shitshow. Nothing worked, I didn't have a good response, I didn't feel like things were any different, and it got canceled. Not a very good first impression after a year of hearing "we can do better."

So we had the meeting with the doc and I was prepared to get to the bottom of this...demand some answers. I started out strong, tough, but I quickly realized I was way out of my league...that I am not a medical genius, rather I am a college educated fashionista who rarely reads the newspaper. I sensed an irritation from the doctor (one thing I am VERY good at is reading people - they don't teach THAT in school) and backed right off. I turned my bulleted list of zingers into concerns which ended up a much more effective approach. Turns out I was really quite off-base about a lot of things and that there is a lot more finesse and consideration. It's the part we don't see... the "how much effort is the doctor putting towards us, and only us?" part. I guess I am a little jaded having just come from the Lifequest Assembly Line.

The bottom line is that I am 40, and the doctor can only do so much with what my body is willing to offer. We're hoping I will "trend" like I did at Lifequest and that this next IVF will be much more fruitful after a priming cycle. Last time I got 13 follicles after a priming cycle...wouldn't that be great?! Go ovaries go!

The Five Stages of Grief

I was pleasantly surprised and just a little embarrassed to discover that people are still checking my site on a regular basis. How do I know this? It’s a fancy little program called Google Analytics. It tells me on any given day just how many people have popped their heads in. You’ll be interested (and perhaps relieved) to know it does not tell me who...all I know is that yesterday 25 people logged on while I stared into space and picked my teeth.

Sssssssorry.

Clearly, I have let my faithful followers down by not giving them an IVF update, or at least something to read when they can’t stand to do another moment of work. It’s just that these downtimes are necessary for me to put closure on the past and to gear-up for the future. Think of it like the 5 stages of grief…

Denial
What do you mean I’m not pregnant? I totally am – I can feel it kicking.

Anger
WTF I’m not pregnant? Chris this is all your fault.

Bargaining
If I was pregnant, I swear I would never EVER raise my voice to it. (pffft…ok.)

Depression
I’m old…I’m barren…God, I REALLY hate my new haircut…blaaa blaaa blaaa

Acceptance
Chris: What’s for dinner?
Lisa: Chardonnay.


Tomorrow we have a “follow up” meeting to review last month’s debacle-turned-IUI/lets call it a “primer” cycle that has me a little twisted in the knickers. I want to know lots of things…but mostly I want to know what was so different about this protocol? There was so much talk about how Lifequest dropped the ball, and so much assurance that "they could do better" ...but when it got right down to it, nothing was very much different at all. And the part that really annoyed me, was that when it came time to talk “uterus lining”, which is of utmost importance to an implanting embryo, it was “too thin”. How the eff did that happen? We get to the very end and then the uterus isn’t ready? No. This is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Tomorrow we’ll be needing some answers, or this will all be called off.

Wish us luck.

Raising Arizona

“Her loins were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”

Aaah Raising Arizona... A classic comedy about a couple’s unstoppable desire for family, no matter what the stakes. But strangely enough, infertility never crossed my mind..until last night when I watched it again for the first time in 20 years. “Ed”, played brilliantly by Holly Hunter, is deemed “barren” by her doctor and spirales into an abyss of depression. Then there’s the part I remember – they steal one of a set of quintuplets with the notion that they have more baby than they can handle, and surely they wouldn't notice if one went missing (a win-win no?)

I recall watching this movie in Grade 12, and I probably glazed over the word “barren” without giving it a second thought. I’m not even sure I would have known what it meant. It’s amazing how blind we are to things that don’t affect us personally. They cease to exist in our tiny little bubbles - until they do - and then it's like we’re the only person to ever have fallen victim.

But at the stupid (and fertile) age of 17, I thought nothing of it. It didn’t exist in my tiny world of happiness, hormones and boys…and I was too pleased with my own existence to ponder any future possibilities. I’m not even sure I could have felt empathy for someone who may have struggled from it, and felt the loss I currently feel every day. It just wasn’t something I could relate to. Now I watch that movie with a whole new set of eyes wide open… It's an over-exaggerated, campy and hilarious version of what Chris and I are currently going through. Unfortunately for Ed and Hi, their fertility options were slim to none, forcing them to take matters into their own hands. Thank god for 22 years, modern medicine and a decent income…the *legal* options are a lot broader.

Nothing of Consequence

Well….this is awkward. What to say…what…to…say…

I have three weeks before starting up the next IVF, but surely I can come up with some witty and non-follicle related tidbits to tide you over… I have been literally FROZEN at the keyboard, void of thought, void of anything newsy or noteworthy. I thought, well I’ll write about fashion, but what more is there to say about fashion other than apparently pants are out? There’s a whole bottoms-are-not-required movement right now courtesy of La Lohan and other L.A. trashionistas. I like to consider myself atop of the trends, but crotchless ensembles just don’t fly when a) you work in an office and b) you’re 40.

I thought about discussing photography, but meh… I’m uninspired. What about cooking? Well even the dinner party I have grand designs for might be replaced with a quick order from Pizza Hut and a desire to just get shitfaced (oh relax I won’t, although secretly I know the guests wouldn’t mind)… So anyway, the point is that it doesn’t leave much to quip about… I could gossip about the people in my life, but unless I want to stir up a big old bag of mess, and lose my measley, but loyal readership, I’d best not.

I think I need to spare you from my mind running amuck and stick to the subject at hand. So hang in there…just a few more weeks and we’re back in (baby) business!

Plan P.1.c.

Ok...so back to the drawing board. Our next plan of attack is IVF AFTER a priming cycle. That's what we're calling this past month - a primer...and I better be primed and ready like I've never been before, because otherwise I think my head might explode.

Our next cycle will start beginning of November. Our friends P&N invited us to Vegas for her 40th birthday. We were on board - we didn't care about the money because we are in over our heads as it is. We felt like this was a one-shot opportunity to do Vegas, in style, and with friends. Bit of a dream for me (except that I've missed my opportunity to see Celine Dion. Don't judge me.)

Anyway, turns out that I will be on injections and needing to be monitored when we are to be in Vegas and this just doesn't work. Plus I want to be able to have a glass of wine with dinner, or a drink by the pool, or get all exhausted saying up dancing til god knows when, or come home as the sun is rising - you know, Vegas stuff...but it is not to be. We can't even suspend the IVF because we'll lose the effects of the priming cycle. Believe me I've thought through all the options.

So, instead of Vegas we stay home for another round of full-filled injections. I wish IVF were more of a sure thing...like winning money in Vegas.

The Silver Lining

So its only been 24 hours since the news and apparently I am moving on quicker than I thought. I might even have a bit of a kick in my step. I chalk it up to the raging hormonal nightmare one can be near the end of a medicated TWW - inconsolable, unreasonable, intolerable…and although AF is the last thing you want to see, it also brings a certain peace and balance – it snaps you from one personality to another. It’s the silver lining in a not so good turn of events.

I can’t bring myself to be upset. Life’s too short for misery and even if I moped around the office, looking forlorn and defeated, I would find myself cracking up at my own attempt…because it’s just not me. Maybe its because I’ve spent so much time being upset over negatives that I’ve realized its just a big fat waste of time. I hope the people in my life will really hear this and realize that it’s ok for them to be ok too – and to trust I am no where even close to being depressed. Sure, I have my moments, but they are so fleeting and tend to be aligned with the things I can’t control – like hormones. But I don’t want anyone being upset by anything I go through, ALRIGHT? I am one tough cookie and can handle this stuff, don’t think I can’t.

So, don't cry for me Argentina...(you know who you are).

The Fat Lady is Back Stage, Warming Up

I hope she trips on a cord and falls on her face before she makes it to center stage. I’d love that.

Today is 12 dpo and it started – red spotting. Whether its “spotting” or “period” is beyond me. It’s red if that’s any help. I, of course, feel miserably defeated. I was told to call the clinic if I were to “spot” before October 1…so I did. She told me to come on up and get a blood test (2 days early). She said they would be able to tell by today anyway, and that if I were pregnant they could get a jumpstart on fixing the bleeding by adjusting or supplementing my progesterone intake…

So we wait. 2 hours…

I hate this part.

UPDATE:
1 hour has elapsed and with each passing minute AF gets stronger and angrier...super duper.

UPDATE UPDATE:
The fat lady made it to center stage and is belting out her best aria...confirmed by bloodwork. Thank you to everyone who chimed in or just read along - I really appreciate everyone's support. xo

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Ok I GET that everyone is pregnant or off on mat leave…and I GET that I am a popular person around the work place…and I GET that people are genuinely happy for my friends who are (I'll repeat) ALL OFF ON MAT LEAVE , but what I don’t get is that I am constantly being questioned about everyone’s whereabouts. Here is a typical example of a conversation between me and a work acquaintance…

(note this is no one in particular)

Heeeey Lisa, how's it going?
Oh I'm fine, how are...
So, where’s ****?
Oh, she’s off on mat leave.
She is? OMG I didn’t even know she was pregnant! Wow…when did she have her baby?
Um…it was in the summer sometime.
OMG!! Really – that’s terrific! What did she have?
A boy.
A boy!! What a miracle! What did they name him?
Hitler
What a BEE-EAUTIFUL name. Where did they get that from?
(OH I don’t effing know…honestly why would I know this? Make something up…) I think it was her grandfather’s name.
Oooh (sigh) it’s lovely to keep the names in the family don’t you think? What about ***** - where is she these days?
Um, yep she’s off on mat leave.
Oh wonderful! So they can get together and have play dates!
Yyyep.
And what about that other girl in HR…what was her name again? ****? Whatever happened to her?
She’s off on mat leave.
OMG YOU’RE JOKING! Wow – don’t drink the water around here!!! BWAAAHAHAHAHAA!!!
“ha… ha-ha.” (Trust me it doesn’t work)

This goes on for what seems like an eternity. Trust me when I say I am not a poor sport – I think its great that they are all pregnant and off and enjoying their little ones…but does it have to always be me that gets grilled as to the whereabouts of my fertile work friends? Talk about rubbing salt in a wound!

Beta, Baby

I guess I haven’t been clear about when I will be testing so here it is …OCTOBER 1. October 1 is the big fat day…lets hope it’s a big fat something else.

One Week and Counting

Of course all of my Peaches-in-waiting will be secretly wishing I would POAS as they will be tripping over themselves with excitement. I understand it completely, and no one wants this more for me than them, BUT I have decided why bother when I have to be tested at the clinic anyway? There’s no point. Say I tested early, and it’s a negative…I STILL have to go to that insulting blood test knowing full well its only going to confirm what we already know. Its like a double whammy of negatives. Home testing is for ferts, I've determined. For me? Well here's what happens:

Me: Chris...I think we have a shot this month!
Chris: I hope so hon.
Me: Do you think I should test?
Chris: If you want.
Me: Wouldn't it just be freakin' amazing?
Chris: Sure would.
Me: I'm gonna do it - I mean why not? It will put me out of my misery.
Chris: Okay if you think so.

(Tinkle Tinkle...wait...pace...)

Me: M*THER F*CKER!

We’ve learned our lesson…many many times. So, let it be like ripping off a Band-Aid – sharp but quick. No point in pulling up the corners.

The Thing about Blogging…

Is that in order for your readers to keep coming back for more, you have to capture them. You have to make it impossible for them to miss what’s going to happen next. It has to be entertaining, dynamic, funny, different… This blog is absolutely about showing you the lighter side of infertility, if such a thing exists.

So what happens when it’s not so funny? Is it still entertaining? I don’t think so, so I find myself more often than not finding the humour in something, even on a bad day. Well today I can’t find the humour in anything. I went to the clinic. Blood Wench was nice – told me I “looked pretty”. Fine, no blog fodder from her today. The ultrasound was the most depressing part because the tech said, “oooh, lining isn’t good.” I asked what it was and she said that it was 6mm, and it needed to be at least 7mm (I think best case scenario is a thick n’ juicy 10mm). When did I become such an under-achiever? This is just another bloody thing…now if I have any struggling embryos floating around, gasping for life, they don’t stand a chance burrowing into my weak and wilting uterus. It’s like “Tent City” in there. A pathetic and undesirable place to live.

Real funny stuff.

Snap Crackle Pop - OOOOOWE!!

I've always had ovulation cramping - sometimes so intense I can feel it happening. Well its happening right now except I'm ovulating X 5. I have 5-6 follicles that are breaking free...as much as this pleases me, I'm a doubled-over yard sale.

Nurse Bi-Polar was there during the IUI. She was all smiley, nice and concerned. I think I was staring at her funny because she said "are you ok?" I wanted to ask her "What happened? Are you being nice because the doctor is right there? Or is it that you are just not a morning person? Or did you read my blog and have realized you're a freakin' yo-yo?" But what came out was "cramps."

The procedure was a snap other than the searing pain down below from the cramping. It took no more than a couple of minutes. The doctor said "nice cervix!" and I was like "oh stop you! You're making me blush!", not that he could see my face.

Alright then - report back over the next few days for "IPS" (imaginary pregnancy symptoms).

The Grand Decision

So, received a call from Kyle, the IVF nurse (let it be duly noted that she is quite pleasant and I have taken a liking to her). She spoke to the doctor and he does not recommend going forward with the IVF this cycle. Its ok...this is what I predicted and what I have mentally prepared for. In a couple of months we shoot for a better cycle - a better response to the drugs and hopefully go forward with an IVF then. This just wasn't the right time.

But we're doing an IUI - first time I've been turkey basted...the odds aren't as good as an IVF, but you never know!

1. We have 3 follicles on the right - that's like 3 months worth of chances right there.
2. Chris is having a sperm wash - so they'll get rid of all the junk and keep the good ones.
3. The timing is perfect. I'm to take the "trigger" tonight. This will mean that within 36 hours my little follies will release...to be met by Chris's washed up n' spiffy sperm...complete with corsage.

That's a whole boat load better than just winging it ourselves...so fingers crossed this could be it!

Hate is a strong word…

...but when you’re pumping in injectible hormones, “not overly fond of” becomes “hatred”. The blood wench at the clinic has an aura of negativity around her. I can count the number of times she has voluntarily started a conversation, and it usually leads to a comment about how she hates her job. Really? Never would have guessed. Today was no exception…when I told her that I would be at work between 8 and 4 to receive a phone call, she said, “hmmm, must be nice.” You know what’s not nice? My never-ending state of infertility, doom and depression. I win.

Today is Day 13 and we are likely heading towards an IUI, so on Sunday when I chatted with the doc, I asked him if we could possibly avoid buying another $500 cartridge of Gonal(bar)F and use the “overfill” from the pens, even if it didn’t reach 450ius. He said “sure sure.” HE understands, why can’t blood wench? She said “you need GonalF for tonight” slapping through the pages of my chart, no eye contact. I thought to myself, here she goes again, talking out of her angry, over-confident (not to mention large) ass. I, personally, think tonight might be trigger night, therefore no GonalF would be required. And perhaps if I have to go another night the doctor will say “just use the overfill”. So I said to her, sweetly “it would be nice if I could avoid buying another $500 dosage. That stuff is so expensive and we’re probably not doing an IVF anyway.” Her response: “It is what it is.”
Why is she such a douche-bag? What’s wrong with saying “yeah, I hear that…the stuff is expensive. We’ll see what the doctor says.” I cannot get passed how she one-ups me every single time – it’s like we’re in a competition but I didn’t get the memo! I did not speak a word after that comment – not even a thank you and I pride myself on always being polite. I got up and walked out of the room…walked into the busy waiting room where all eyes were on me…and said “CLEARLY I’m not in a very good mood today” and plunked myself down in a huff.

So here I am, at my work, between the hours of 8-4 (kiss this), waiting for the call that will FINALLY determine the outcome of this IVF#5.

My Sister's Keeper

Do NOT read the last few chapters of "My Sister's Keeper" in the IVF waiting room when you're hopped up on GonalF. Just don't. It is a recipe for disaster. It started with a quiver of the sides of the mouth...then the eyes welled up. I coughed a little and rubbed my eye (to try to give the impression it was allergy related) but it was too late...all eyes were on me...well not really ON me, but the darting eye trick you get from people who want to STARE but don't want to be gauche. The high pitched clearing of the throat didn't help much either. Anyway...just a warning.

Today's appointment did not go too well. I now have only 4 follicles that will reach the right size come retrieval...the other ones are too small. The doctor sat with me for 15 minutes and told me that we will need to make this decision. Either we go for it with very few follicles and possibly less mature eggs, or we convert to an IUI. We will lose the follicles on the left hand side (because we removed that tube...remember...) but I think it is our best option at this point. I will still take the drugs to the end, I will still do the trigger shot to give a precise window of when I will ovulate, and Chris will do a sperm wash. Trust him to make a joke about WHEN the sperm wash will take place, "before or after deposit?" Har har. He should count his lucky stars that it's after.

The doctor also talked about this being a "priming" cycle. My body didn't respond well to the drugs, and ONCE AGAIN MY MOTHER HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD: My body needed a kick start. Its been 2 years since the last round of drugs and my body is in shut down mode. Sometimes it takes a cycle to get things moving again. The doctor is hoping my body will respond more readily to the drugs in a month or two - he keeps repeating, "we can do better."

I think at this point we have to be reasonable and maximize our "borrowed" dollars. No point spending $10,000 on an IVF when we can convert this not-so-good cycle to a $500 IUI. There is still a good chance it could work...doctor gave us a 15% POP.

To continue?...or not to continue?

Continue.

Chris and I have both gotten it into our heads that one of these 5 little follicles might just grow up to be a professional hockey player and get us out of this surmounting debt. Its worth the gamble don't you think?

The nurse called back and assured us that the doctor is very aware of our history and is not making any decision lightly - and that he feels we should continue because the quality of these 5 follicles might be the difference. Sometimes a different drug protocol is what it takes, and the motto of this IVF#5 is "It only takes one." Its what's keeping us going...and the future wealth of our amazingly talented hockey family.

Speaking of wealth...which we don't have a chance to acquire since we are constantly spending huge sums of money...last night Chris counted out loud as he injected the liquid gold into my leg..."one hundred! two hundred! three hundred! four hundred!....aaaaand 500 hundred dollars!

Sigh. Talk about extortion.

Today’s Outlook: Poor

I am at work now, after my early morning monitoring, and my blood is starting to boil. The more I think about what’s happening here, the more irritated I get. WHY am I in this boat again? “Wow, you’re really slow to respond to the drugs”, said the pessimistic blood work girl who never fails to put me in a bad mood. I guess there’s always one at each clinic…a tone or an attitude or something that makes you feel like she kind of enjoys seeing you squirm. I can’t help but think she gets a small amount of satisfaction when things aren’t up to snuff…she tends to mention the bad things more often than celebrate the good.

I’m usually sickly nice and non-problematic, but enough is enough. I said “why am I here then? Why am I continuing with this IVF if I’m not responding as I should?” I was under the very distinct impression that this doc was going to be different – that he was going to monitor me as we go along, and pull the plug should it not be the best possible set of circumstances. I don’t want to be toying with cancellation – that’s what I’ve always done in the past. I feel like I’ve been fucked again. She immediately started back peddling, she said “well today your numbers might be up, and then we’ll be having a completely different conversation.” Thanks for nothing.

Then I happened upon my horoscope on the subway…

“Something will happen today that shocks you, but looking back you will realize that you should have seen it coming.”

Need I say more?

IVF Waiting Room "Types"

Got to the clinic today at 7:15 to find five women in line before me. DAMN! I am usually #1 or 2, but I guess they are onto me...and now I have to wait. Good thing I had my book, even though I read the same page over and over again. There is too much to watch, study, judge, wonder... everyone has a story and dammit I want to know. There are the "commenters" - these are the quick one-liners, i.e., "its slow today don't you think?" They don't really want you to comment back - they just want to put in their two cents and then get out. Heaven forbid they should encounter a "talker". The "talkers" will glom onto any "commenter" who will then wish they had never opened their big mouth in the first place. Then there are the "readers" - they are always prepared with book in face, or they will head straight for the magazine table and avoid any and all eye contact. They do not speak to anyone and you should not attempt to engage one in conversation, you will be disappointed. Finally there are the "zoners" - they just stare at one spot and glaze over. Zoners are sitting ducks for "talkers" especially since they appear dumb or void of thought.

I'm a reader through and through. I don't want to talk - its 7:15 for god's sake!!! I am generally a chipper person, but I lack the conversation gene that early in the morning. Some people got it, some people don't. I don't.

So today's numbers met the criteria. I don't believe they were on the "way to go!" side of the spectrum, they were more on the "you just squeaked by kid" side. It will have to do - the doc is keeping me in the game. It is still very early and I am pumping in 450ml of Gonal F at a fast and furious rate. I can practically hear the growth in my ovaries... Things are brewing down there.

Stay tuned for Friday's results!

Gonal F is Nasty

Eeeewee (shudder)...blech. Injected the stuff yesterday to instantly taste it in the back of my mouth/nose - just like when I had an IV at the hospital and could taste the saline that was being pumped through my veins . Most people put nice tastes INTO their mouths, we're not so used to being assaulted from behind.

A friend suggested chocolate to neutralize the taste... so gonna get me a Cadbury Fruit and Nut for tonight...not that I need an excuse.

Grow follies grow!

L.O.L.

Which one do you think I am?

How NOT to have a baby

Do the people in the picture above realize that their passion might fall fruitless? Chris and I looked this way once…although Chris’s legs are less hairy, but we did I swear… – we thought this was how you made a baby. We have now been enlightened, and have come to terms with the fact that our juices need to be forced together in a petri dish by some nameless science geek in a white labcoat. It’s so romantic!

Day 2 of IVF# 5 (Jaysus!)

Today’s numbers are lookin’ good! My FSH is 7.1 which is not a record for me (6.4 in July if I may brag a moment) but it means we’re good to go (the lower the number the better – I believe 10+ is problematic, 25+ and its not looking good.)

I start injections tonight – YAY ME! Chris is good and pissed off at me for many many reasons, so he will enjoy tonight’s torture…perhaps he’ll put the needle in nice and slow, and then STAB the plunger down as fast as it will go. Hmmm…maybe I should start apologizing now …its 12:46…6 hours to go… Naaah, I’ll just do the injection myself thanks.
(insert rude smileyface here)

What am I, a Moron?

Why did I PEE ON THAT STICK? Why? And today of all days. Woke up and absolutely no AF…even after a digging excavation. Good! So figured, lets just get this sorted out one way or another. Let’s wrap this baby up...scuze the pun.

Negative…like DUH.

And the kicker is that the MINUTE I had finished staring at the stick, with disgust, AF showed up. Can you friggin’ believe that? Seriously, is someone laughing at me right now?...because this shit ain’t funny!

Then I stubbed my toe on the chair,
Spilled oj down the front of my blouse after changing 14 times,
Wrestled with the key which got stuck in the lock on the way out and had mini temper tantrum on back deck,
Walked my face through a spiderweb (my personal favorite)
Turned my ankle on a rock going down the back alley,
Ran and missed the bus (I think I saw the driver grinning in the rearview mirror)
Got milk instead of cream in my coffee…

What’s next? Gristle in my chicken? An impromptu “work performance” meeting??? A Collections Bill in the mail?

Tammy's Ancient "Disc of Conception"

Well, if you're following along, you know that this is our last month before attempting another expensive and emotionally taxing IVF. An IVF represents such hope, but also comes with its fair share of potential disappointment. For most women, an IVF works...and they get on with their lives. For some it is the ultimate gamble. Can you imagine being at a table in Las Vegas, not knowing what you're doing and throwing down $15,000 on one hand? No-one in their right mind would do that...unless it got them a kid (or they had a really bad gambling problem!) Can I just take a moment here to talk about what a big fat rip-off it is? Can someone please explain to me why an IUI, which requires daily monitoring, doctors, ultrasounds, specialists, etc. etc. costs between $200-400 and an IVF costs TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (drugs being the additional $5,000)???? How do you go from $200 to TEN THOUSAND in one leap? That's a major difference that I can only chalk up to the fact that a while ago some Big Wig RE must have said out the side of his wryly grin, "we can really make a buck here and charge through the nose because these women are DES-PER-ATE!" Snickers of agreement from around the boardroom table... Men with dollar bills for eyes like the cartoons.

Zoooop! Back to reality...sorry went on a tangent, once again. Anyway, in an effort to avoid all of the above mentioned crapoola, Chris and I knocked boots at the exact right time...well, according to Tammy's Ancient "Disc of Conception". Its this disc with rings and rings of dates and information...its like the Cryptex from the Da Vinci Code - if you line up the right dates, voila!, you get a baby! I forgot to take it with me when I left, so now my mother is the disc interpreter...wonder how many times she's studied it this month.

I refer to it as "Ancient" because I believe modern pregnancy tests can detect a pergnancy much sooner than the Disc of Conception suggests. It says I should test on September 12, when really I should know by about the 4th...and that's LATER than when most of my fellow TTCers test. Anyway, time will tell... will the magic numbers line up? Stay tuned...

An Apology...to all mothers

Ok so I'm not above apologizing when I'm wrong and in this case I am. For years now my fertile friends have been spewing forth life from their loins - little things that spin until they can spin no longer...one might say they are running on perpetual motion...and fish crackers. Well today we acquired one...her name is Quinn and she is my niece. She was dropped off with much enthusiasm by her father early this morning. I couldn't even finish asking my long list of questions before seeing the trail of smoke left down the path, like the Road Runner. That was 8:30. The point of all this is that now its 2:00pm and we have just put the Mighty Quinn down for her nap...and it could not have come sooner.

I remember trying to make plans with mothers, only to be rudely interrupted by the inevitable..."noooo, that won't work, so and so naps at that time.' Rolling my eyes I used to think, "GOD! Who's the boss here - the parent or the kid?" Well today I understand...the nap is not really FOR the kid, its for the parents, and it is NOT to be messed with. To just have a moment to tidy up a little from the monsoon that has passed through the house, or to re-stock the fridge with sweaty cheese and soggy Cheerios left over from the water park...and mostly, to just stare into space. You earned it...you deserve it.

So to all of those mothers who put nap time before anything else, I now completely understand...and I'm sorry I rolled my eyes!

Dear Ruler of the Universe,

If you haven’t already been advised, and with all due respect, I’m kinda ticked. See…I was supposed to have a baby by now, but for whatever reason you felt I needed to be taught a lesson. Maybe a lesson in hardship? Ok that’s fine…I get it. I suppose maybe you felt things came too easily to me (not so sure about this one but we’ll roll with it), or maybe you felt I needed to learn that “good things come to those who wait”. Or maybe you thought I was too smug, or that I’d floated along and hadn’t experienced my fair share of life crises, or that I didn’t “appreciate” enough, or that I was impatient and unforgiving. Whatever the reason is, I feel I have now passed the test. Enough's enough don't you agree? And its not just me who’s suffering either – there are other people at stake here. Not to mention the financial hardship this has put on Chris and myself.

I can assure you, dear Ruler of said universe, that I have risen to the challenge and have learned from the test. Not only do I no longer feel things come easily to me, I am no longer smug about much, and I feel this is a pretty substantial life crises to have to manage. I have learned about tolerance and forgiveness - I have had to throw my pride out the window…and forget about me being competitive…I have completely lost the race and I am not a sore loser. So please, if you could just find it within yourself to cut me some freakin’ slack I would appreciate it.

So first things first. I know a woman with “normal fertility” could be pregnant if she were in my situation. I’m not asking for a miracle here, just to have the same chance as everyone else…to have my shot at conceiving naturally before we have to go and spend another $20,000. Think of it like a bit of payback…for all the money we’ve had to spend on treatments, trips and lawyers. Sounds fair, no?

Barring that, if you could just let this next IVF work, I would be forever grateful. I don’t care if it’s a boy, a girl, two boys, two girls, or a boy and a girl (ok that’s best case scenario) but just a baby or two of any gender – that would be really great.

So please, over the next 2-3 months if you could just keep an eye on me and help me a along a little?? Please?? Trust me, I won’t ever forget the lesson.

Bikini's - Think Outside the Bathingsuit Box

I just read some posts on my girl's/baby/IF/community/anything goes site. The "not-so-itty-bitty" club were commenting on the horrifying and traumatic reality of trying to purchase a bathing suit, which got my wheels turning. Being probably way too conscious and borderline obsessive with my weight (and lack of height in combination)I can completely relate. They might not be able to relate to me, being that I know I am slim to most, but I do understand looking in the mirror and being shocked and awed...and not in a good way. Just yesterday, I shopped for a bikini top and realized that I was trying on tops intended for 20 year old boobs...not unruly, shapeless out-of-control boobs. The stores generally have dim-lit pot lighting (very clever but I'm no dummy) and although its dim, it shows every lump and bump on the way down. Now, replace that dimly lit source of light with the largest source of light known to man, and you've got yourself some serious problems.

This is why I work out so much...and not having had babies, I have had the luxury of time to do so. Had my life's taken the more normal route of easy conception, I may not be as fit as I am today.

I do, however, think there are 2 separate neuroses when it comes to putting it all out there in the noon day sun. The obvious one being weight, but the other one, not given nearly enough credit, is age. There is no question I can fit into a bikini and look good...in candlelight...and my friend L (a member of the "not-so-itty-bitty club") probably wants to smack me right across my face when I whine, which I shouldn't, but I think the issue for me, these days, is not so much about weight, but the fact that I am FORTY.

FORTY year olds, unless they are Ursula or Jennifer Aniston, should not be wearing bikinis. There's just no reason for it. Plus, you scrutinize yourself in a bathing suit (as mentioned above) in front of your bedroom skinny mirror with a "warm-yellow" 40-watt light bulb far off in the distant corner of the room, and think, "I can pull it off." And "yes you can!"...if its 8:00pm or later.

Which brings me to my bathing suit solution: the Lululemon "speedy" short. It has a soft smooth band of Lycra type material right below the bellybutton, a built-in undie, and a very short short. Its skimpy enough to pass as a bathing suit, but not so skimpy that your dimply butt is hanging out for everyone to see. You could pair it with a bra-like bikini top, or if your stomach is an issue, you can wear a tankini top. The only thing they don't recommend is swimming in chlorine, as obviously these are shorts and aren't tested for pools. Its really not a pool look as the intention with a pool is to go for a swim, but if you are at the beach, or simply watching the kiddos by the pool, I think this is a great solution.

So what does everyone else think?? Does it work for you and your lifestyle?

SHG: The New Water Boarding

Yesterday's Sonohystogram wasn't the slightest bit pleasant...I mean, we all know going in that spreading your legs, having a speculum inserted (always an extra special treat) and liquid shot through your tubes isn't going to compare to say, a day at the spa, but generally its pretty quick. In my case, however, and don't be jealous, I get the balloon treatment. Sounds like fun right? Its a balloon on the end of a catheter, shoved up and over your cervix and into your uterus, and then - and here's where it gets good stay with me - they BLOW IT UP so they can stretch out your uterus and have a look. I'm telling you its gotta be worse than water boarding - too bad men don't have uteruses because I'm pretty sure this could be an effective torture tactic. The pain is searing, its like period cramps gone wrong. There's more.. My uterus is narrow and doesn't like foreign objects obnoxiously shoved into it...it expels the balloon - slips it out and says NO! NO WANT BALLOON RIGHT NOW! and assumes the fisty-cuffs position. FOUR TIMES PEOPLE FOUR TIMES I had to have this procedure repeated because my uterus (who I need to have a serious talk with) once again decided to misbehave. My new doc, who yesterday I wanted to backhand right from the stirrups position, was very apologetic and later called to make sure I was alright. He said what we did today must have been very traumatic, and wondered if I had any serious pain, fever, etc. I lied and said I was feeling ok...and then spent the night writhing with stomach pain from the 4 heavy duty anti-biotic pills I had to take all at once to stave off any future infection...like a hydrosalpinx.

I'm glad I stuck it out because there was no way I was coming back to try it again another day. I was determined to potentially put SHG's behind me forever. But to be honest, if that balloon had slipped out a 4th time, I wouldn't have been able to continue. It was becoming unbearable, it had been an hour and a half of this, and I was verging tears. I have to say that this whole baby making business is so barbaric and awful - how can anyone endure this type of constant prodding and poking...only to end up disappointed over and over again. I know many women who can't handle the process and give up - live a life without fertility treatments and choose another path. I can now understand how they come to that decision. Sometimes it's all just too unbearable.

Having said all that, things look ok...my uterus is narrow, and small, but once again my mother made my day with her unknowing hilarity...she said "Lisa, MIDGETS have babies." lol - well ok then.

Today my new fert doc did something no other person has been able to do...

Restore my hope.

I was really just going through the motions...doing what the doctor said, taking the vits, getting the operation, floating along like a zombie towards what felt like an unattainable, impossible goal. I have felt this way for a long time, and even though I would shake off the negative thoughts, I was sure they'd be back - ready to seize and destroy any glimmer of hope. I've been conditioned this way - its programmed in now... Hope had left the building...until today.

See, by doing another round of IVF it kept me from having to accept the awful and inevitable direction my life was going to take. A life without children. Not even adoption, with all those beautiful children, abused children, abandoned children out there who would be so loved and cared for by us, were ever going to come our way. It was, by all counts, 100% hopeless...until today.

My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and the Peaches have been a life saver for me, supporting me through every failed attempt, cheering me on again and again, but even they may have a seed of doubt in their minds...with all that has happened so far, is there any hope?

I'm happy to report that there is - there finally is some hope! Everyone can feel hopeful...and here's why.

We had a long talk with our fertility doc today. We were called into discuss the post operative report - they had had a cancellation so we seized the opportunity. Unlike previous visits, his demeanor was softer, kinder, and most importantly, he was feeling very optimistic. He told us that he would be very disappointed if we did not try again with our own egg/sperm. It may not work, but at least we would have no regrets. He told us that now my uterus should be in great shape, and that is half the battle. I said, "of course", but what I really thought was "what's the point - sure - great uterus, shit eggs...what's the point?" I asked him "how can we get better quality eggs? Isn't that the main issue?" He said that its a numbers game and that Lifequest chose to do something he would NEVER do on someone my age...start with BCP. (MOTHER YOU CAN GLOAT NOW - SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT ONE IOTA AND IT BUGGED THE CRAP OUT OF HER - SHE KEPT QUESTIONING IT - SAYING IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.) He said eliminating that is the key...it did nothing but suppress my follicle growth, and at my age it is too much to recover from. He said the more the better, and we wait for a good month. We look at Day 1 - check the bloods - check the LH, no good - cancel. We try again the next month...LH ok? Good - go forward...Day 3 good follicle # - keep moving...Day 7 good follicle growth? Hmmm, not as good as expected - cancel. I thought to myself...wow, you won't waste valuable money on drugs ($300/day) going for something that was never meant to be. I like that idea.

There was so much to the conversation that was positive...we talked about donor eggs/donor embryos, legislation and how its not as intimidating as we think - easy once all the paperwork is signed off on... We wrapped up and I said "ok...well this sounds good...I have to admit I don't have a lot of hope left in me - its been a long haul and..." he cut me off and said "what?" I said, "well it just seems...impossible." He said with a big smile on his face, "why??!!! You have everything to be hopeful for. This is a new direction for you. Don't forget you could have put a 20 year old's embryos in you before your operation and it WOULD NOT HAVE WORKED. EVER. It just would not have worked...so think about it - you put in your eggs that are not such great quality into a toxic environment - you just have no chance. Your uterus should be optimal, there is no endo, your lining is good, you've lost the toxic tube. And if you've already decided on donor eggs/embryos ...forget it!!! You don't need to feel hopeless any more - you WILL BE PREGNANT. There is no question in my mind - our stats are 90% + for donor eggs...YOU WILL GET PREGNANT."

I look at Chris...he says with a smile on his face "oh no...here we go...she's gonna blow!" I BURST into tears...it was impossible for me not to and I hated the fact that I did because I thought this doctor would want none of it...I just couldn't hold it any longer...I just completely broke down...Chris said "don't worry - let it go - its VERY EMOTIONAL!!!" He always lets me cry when I need to - he's sooo understanding that way...I love him for that. I am still breaking down just thinking about it. I WILL BE PREGNANT EVERYONE!!! I am going to have a baby.

Love to you all,
xo

Surgery Sucks

Let’s face it, it isn’t a good time. Despite a much needed reprieve from work, it has been a rough week of recovery. The surgery itself went well according to Dr. Satkunarantnam (say that fast 10 times) and everything that needed to be fixed was fixed to the best of his ability. My left tube was removed, as promised (or at least we hope it was – anyone watch Oprah yesterday?) and the right one remained untouched as it was “perfect” – a laughable description considering we’re referring to my reproductive organs. The septum was also removed and to minimize scarring from all this nipping and tucking, I have an intrauterine catheter up my hoo-haw. Can’t picture it? Let me see if I can shed some light… The uterus has a balloon in it…to keep it open and taught and to minimize scarring. Attached to this balloon is what I like to refer to as a “jaggedy-arsed twig” and this jaddedy-arsed twig is sticking out of my hoo-haw. It moves a half an inch or so up and down depending on how cramped, or relaxed my uterus is at the moment…it tends to relax after fighting to expel the jaggedy-arsed twig and balloon for a good couple of hours. I also refer to it as the "stir stick" as it has a similar level of flexibility. What's really fun is when it sticks out further than normal and gets caught on my knickers or skin...that's fun...or it hinders how I walk. I must have explained to at least 8 office employees today “put my back out” (shrug)…little do they know what's happening south of the border.

BUT it’s all part of the master plan and hopefully it will help to make a difference. We all know it is only one/one thousandth of the process…there are so many other things that need to line up, things that most people (i.e., “Ferts”) take for granted, but every little bit helps.

Next appointment with Dr. A is August 18. Now that the surgery is done, I can heal up, and enjoy the summer!

Table and Chairs...As Promised...

Filler Posts...for the down times...

Its hard being a perfectionist...isn't it dad?

Yes, I'm blaming you - you made me this way because you're so damn precise yourself. I have expectations to live up to, I can't be slapping things together all willy nilly...it has to be done right. I'm certain the 50 calls I have put into my father, woodworker extroidinare, has completely irritated him, but that is the job of "dad" so suck it up.

It all began when we decided to grow up and get rid of our IKEA bouncy chairs - yes the adult version of the baby bouncy. They have no business being in our living room, and for years I have threatened to get rid of them. So began the search for replacement chairs - ones that both Chris and I liked, fit into that tiny space without overtaking it, and were within the budget. Good luck. 5 years later and I have found the chairs. Oh no wait, I found the chairs last year but they were from Thomasville and were $1,400 each...but you know, we are not dripping in diamonds. But I found a really cheap replica...like in In Style magazine or House and Home where they have the richy rich version, the average version and then the cheapy IKEA version. Well these are the average version. So...$349 US, to be delivered from the States, but after factoring in shipping, taxes, duty, brokerage, mood and time of month, they are actually costing us one million dollars. Well no, they are ending up to be $750 each. But blimey how did that happen?

After much discussion, the husband and I decided that grown up people make hard decisions and have to spend money (and feel sick) sometimes. So we pushed the "purchase" button and are now waiting for our magic chairs...that will mostly likely suck and be completely uncomfortable. The end. Oh no wait, I was getting to the story of the table. Well the table was purchased for me by my mother when I first moved here to Toronto. It was a good solid piece in a light color - IKEA yes, but not particle board - a good/nice coffee table - substantial and it wasn't cheap. I am staining it dark to align more with the chairs. It is a good size too and works well in the living room. I was at a friends house for brunch today and we talked about mixing expensive pieces with cheap pieces - being "eclectic" in decoration, which is exactly what we're doing, although not by choice, by default because now we don't have the money for even a cheap coffee table, or food for that matter. Anyway, I have, for 2 weeks now, been sanding, conditioning, resanding, staining, shellacking, sanding, fixing, etc. etc. I am done with it and I don't even know if it will work in the room. I have also spent a small fortune on conditioner, sanding papers, stain, brushes and shellac.

We shall see.

Stay tuned for before/after pics.

This n' That

I kindof wish sometimes Chris was head over heels in love with me, like worshiped the ground I walked on. But then when I think about it, and if that were the case, I would never have married him. I would have been irritated. THANKFULLY Chris is consistently unimpressed by me, so you need not worry.

I kid - we get along, mostly. We seem to have a fun thing going on, but at the same time we are so totally opposite! Night and day. When I have the most energy, he has the least...and when he has the most, I have the least. He's a night owl, I'm a morning girl. He turns right, I turn left. I want bacon, he wants a sticky bun. He wants to be alone, I want to socialize. He drives me nuts and I'm certain I drive him nuts back. Can this kind of love be enduring? Who knows? Is YOUR love "enduring"? I do know that there's always something about Chris that keeps me coming back for more. He's kindof handsome, we'll give him that...he's quite charming really, and he's funny as hell! I don't think people realize how funny he is because if he's not 100% comfortable, he's more "polite" but there is something he does every single day that makes me almost pee my pants.

Enough with the Cmac Adoration Society already, this blog is about me and its been a long time in coming.

The surgery is still scheduled for June 4 but I have put in a call to "Shirley" the coordinator to see if it can be moved up a little. I don't mind the timing of things really, but I am twiddling my thumbs for 2 months and the sooner I recover the faster we can move onto an IVF. I feel like things aren't going fast enough - I'm getting twitchy again. One can't fully understand what its like to have NOTHING going on each month, especially at my age. 2 months feels like 2 years when you're 40 and trying to get knocked up.

So surgery in June, possibly sooner...IVF September? October? I am to heal as best as possible before attempting an IVF. Also, My FSH levels will be checked before starting stims and if my levels for that month are crapola then no IVF that month. I like that idea.

Sometimes, however, I think to myself that this is like gardening. You can have the best soil possible - ready to go and rich with nutrients, but a bad seed is a bad seed. It does worry me - all this uterus landscaping is great - but my eggs still suck. I really hope this new doc really meant what he said and that he really CAN DO BETTER with the drug protocol. He said he could - I hope he wasn't just being cocky "I am god" doc to get our business. I would like to see a couple of embryos thrive - that's not asking too much is it? Maybe even one or two to freeze? Ok now I'm pushing my luck.

Heaven and Hell

So we are off to Maui in less than 3 weeks and I am SALIVATING at the thought. Its been a long time in coming. I booked this trip at least 4 months ago - like back in October or something, so I've definitely been looking forward to it for a loooong time. The weather here in Ontario is insulting. Its rude, and obnoxious and has absolutely no place in this world. We are reduced to living in parkas and fluffy boots...braving early morning temperatures fit for places like Alaska, or Russia. What were our settlers thinking? Why didn't they say "fuck this noise - keep moving!!!" Did they invite everyone in the spring so they'd get a false sense of security - only to be assaulted by winter come December? Did they outright LIE about it all? Did they honestly think they could just turn a blind eye and expect no one to notice??

Meanwhile back in Hawaii, the smells of Gardenia and Plumeria are fresh in the morning breeze. The ocean and sky resemble the color of jewels and the green grass is lush from the overnight rain. Coconuts and pineapples call you for breakfast and the parrots speak to you in island whispers.

Ok so I'm a little excited...can you tell? Toronto...Maui..Toronto...Maui...heaven...hell...heaven...hell...

It was Ambitious

...starting my diet so soon. Exercising like a madwoman with my homey Nicole...thinking I could "keep it up" until Maui. We started before Xmas...and I've been obsessed with eating healthy and exercising 3 times a week since then. And where has it gotten me? Nowhere! I stepped on the scale this morning to find I am right back to my good old 131 (I was a 125 last week). Why does my weight fluctuate so badly, and why can I not stop thinking about potato chips and Chocolate Rice Crispy Squares? Seriously these things are a valuable commodity in this household. We actually do our negotiating with them. I get a rice crispy square, he gets out of cleaning the bathroom. What.? It is SOOO worth it. Shit - maybe I should just buy them and make him do the bathroom. Note to self.

I know I am PMSing - I know I'm not pregnant (snort). I want to eat fattening things, and cakes and cookies and deep fried crispy goodness.

I am insatiable.

God help me - I jumped on my bed yesterday so I could get a full length vision of what it might look like to wear a bikini in the noon day sun (I used my ceiling light as a direct downward fat seeker tool). I stood in shock looking in the mirror. My knees resemble stacks of butter crepes. I've never been fortunate with the knees - there's lots of fat and skin all folding over itself in a fight for the floor...

In fact I give up. Its too hard and its too all consuming. I am SUPPOSED to be a fat girl.

Oooh the liberation - the freedom!!!

So today was yet another step towards the Big and Final IVF. Met with Dr. S. who is the guy who's going to landscape my uterus. There is serious work to be done my friends... Firstly they need to go in near my belly button - "up to 4 small incisions". All I can say is thank god this isn't happening prior to our trip to Maui...one last searing of my semi-decent 40 year old curves... I also would feel much better going into a surgery with a golden tan and a fresh bikini wax...call me crazy. Anyhoo, they need to do many things...including:

1. remove left fallopian tube.
2. potentially remove right fallopian tube
(I'm rooting for this because then I'll be "insured")
3. assess & clean up scar tissue
4. remove septum
5. leave in catheter (apparently this helps heal uterus with less scar tissue)

Honestly, is it any wonder I can't get pregnant with all this business going on? Its a freakin' yard sale down there. Who knew? Not me. Oh! Apparently ``Lifequest`` knew but we`ll deal with them later. We WILL deal with them later. (I sound scary but I`m really not. Put it this way, if I get pregnant, I`ll put all this behind me. If I don`t and we wasted precious years and countless dollars, I WILL DEAL WITH THEM LATER. Note it.)

So there ya go. Oh, surgery date is JUNE FREAKIN` 4TH! Chris has reminded me that he doesn`t care how much the surgery hurts, he will be expecting a full on organized birthday party the next day complete with full dinner and tier cake... Its not June 5th yet, so we'll see, but for now I've told him where he can stuff a tier.

They told me they often get cancellations and that my surgery might be moved up. I honestly feel quite confident this will happen, although its not a biggie if it doesn`t I suppose - June will be here before we know it...and to be 100% honest, since this is our last kick at the IVF can, I`m not particularly in a rush to get it over with. With a future IVF there`s promise, there`s a plan, there`s hope. Without any of that and no babies...well...it will bring a host of unwanted and needing-to-be-dealt-with emotions, of which I am not ready for. So I`m ok with June 4.