Friday, October 30, 2009

The "Announcement"

We've all been there. It starts out innocently enough...a nice dinner, a walk in the park, a phone call, only to be blindsided by the news of a pregnancy. As difficult as it is for me to admit, or explain, this is probably the most painful part of the TTC process.

Most women don't have to endure never-ending announcements because they too, eventually become pregnant. Maybe even a SuperFert with a killer competitive streak might have experienced the twinge of jealousy by someone TTCing at the very same time. They won. The beat you to the punch. Ouch right? I figure most women actively TTC will probably feel a pinch of sadness for themselves - even if they know it's just a matter of time.

For people like me, announcements bring all kinds of miserable emotions to the surface. Its such a hard place to be because I don't want the person to think I'm not happy for them. OF COURSE I'M HAPPY FOR THEM. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. Four years ago I would plaster on the happiest face I could muster and pray I wasn't being transparent. Then I got really good at it - and really good at PREDICTING it. I basically assumed everyone was pregnant and everyone would announce. That way I wouldn't be blindsided - it was absolute self-preservation. I even would tell someone "I bet ____ is pregnant." so I could later hear, "you called it!" Somehow this lessened the blow...

I've played the game for years now, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling my throat close shut and my stomach squeeze tight while I slap a smile across my face, wishing the ground would swallow me whole. I'm tired of choking back tears and wishing for it all to be over so we can move onto talking about something else. I'm tired of being the only person who can't talk about her pregnancy or brag about her kids. And I'm really tired of putting my friends in a position where they can't really talk freely about their lives, for fear of hurting my feelings. I wouldn't blame them if they secretly all wanted to get together without me...although I know they never would. It must be difficult for them too, wondering how to be around me, praying they don't say something wrong.

I never wanted anyone to walk on eggshells around me - I figured it would be the fastest way to isolate myself and I know I'm right. For the most part I think I've accomplished this by being an open book about infertility and for not taking offense to anything. I try my very best to feel genuine happiness when someone announces their pregnancy, but on the rare PMSy, planets-not-aligned, lack of sleep occasion I just can't do it. I guess this post is to explain that someone like me would never want to appear a spoil sport over someone else's blessing. Don't take it personally, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with someone like me going through something like this. I say this now because I've decided I can't keep pretending I'm OK all the time. Announcements kill me. Sorry - but you have to know and understand this. So if you announce a pregnancy to me, just expect me to be upset, and I'm sorry in advance if I've ruined your happy moment - trust me I never wanted to be in this situation.

Just know that I'm not upset because you're pregnant, I'm upset because I'm not.

Love to all my friends and family,

1 comment:

Nicole said...

This post might as well have been an entry in my journal. I totally agree! Announcements are so hard for me because my best way of coping with IF has been to pretend itn't not there and not think about it, so when someone makes an announcement, it FORCES me to confront the entire slew of emotions that I've been burying.