My 2010 New Year’s Resolution is...

To stop being UN-pregnant.

I totally think I can pull it off don’t you? I have always had “the will”, but this year…this magical 2010 year, I have “the way”. It comes in the form of a beautiful 25 year old Fin with an abundance of what I’m missing. Fertility.

Here’s where the shivers run down the spine. For whatever strange reason, I missed a period...for like the very first time in my long and successful career in menstruating. This happened about the time I met “S”. Now SHE had just moved here from Finland, and hadn’t had a period in weeks! During her physical we discovered that her body was in shut down mode – that it was confused by the environmental change, and needed to be kick started…so we gave her a medication to induce a period. Would you believe that the very day her period started, mine started as well? I mean is that a sign or what??? I really don’t know if it holds much significance in the grand scheme of things, but given my dismal set of circumstances over the past 5 years, this just seemed like an “Aha!” moment, you know? I mean, honestly, what are the chances??

So this month, the month of January, the clinic will monitor S to see what her body produces naturally. Then next month, if all goes well, we go for it!

So ok, this is very very exciting, yes. I agree there is no “logical” reason to be pessimistic…other than the fact that I am such an underachiever in this department. I can’t help but wonder if I will screw this up too. I mean, my god, it’s not for lack of trying. But is it like watching a gymnast miss the vault and injure herself every--single--time? Eventually you have to look away, because you KNOW she’s just not cut out for it. I wonder if that’s what’s at work here… I don’t like to think that way, because other people make it happen all the time… but it's hard not to.

Just tell me my 6mm uterus will accept this embryo. Please, just tell me this is going to work.