Today my new fert doc did something no other person has been able to do...

Restore my hope.

I was really just going through the motions...doing what the doctor said, taking the vits, getting the operation, floating along like a zombie towards what felt like an unattainable, impossible goal. I have felt this way for a long time, and even though I would shake off the negative thoughts, I was sure they'd be back - ready to seize and destroy any glimmer of hope. I've been conditioned this way - its programmed in now... Hope had left the building...until today.

See, by doing another round of IVF it kept me from having to accept the awful and inevitable direction my life was going to take. A life without children. Not even adoption, with all those beautiful children, abused children, abandoned children out there who would be so loved and cared for by us, were ever going to come our way. It was, by all counts, 100% hopeless...until today.

My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and the Peaches have been a life saver for me, supporting me through every failed attempt, cheering me on again and again, but even they may have a seed of doubt in their minds...with all that has happened so far, is there any hope?

I'm happy to report that there is - there finally is some hope! Everyone can feel hopeful...and here's why.

We had a long talk with our fertility doc today. We were called into discuss the post operative report - they had had a cancellation so we seized the opportunity. Unlike previous visits, his demeanor was softer, kinder, and most importantly, he was feeling very optimistic. He told us that he would be very disappointed if we did not try again with our own egg/sperm. It may not work, but at least we would have no regrets. He told us that now my uterus should be in great shape, and that is half the battle. I said, "of course", but what I really thought was "what's the point - sure - great uterus, shit eggs...what's the point?" I asked him "how can we get better quality eggs? Isn't that the main issue?" He said that its a numbers game and that Lifequest chose to do something he would NEVER do on someone my age...start with BCP. (MOTHER YOU CAN GLOAT NOW - SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT ONE IOTA AND IT BUGGED THE CRAP OUT OF HER - SHE KEPT QUESTIONING IT - SAYING IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.) He said eliminating that is the key...it did nothing but suppress my follicle growth, and at my age it is too much to recover from. He said the more the better, and we wait for a good month. We look at Day 1 - check the bloods - check the LH, no good - cancel. We try again the next month...LH ok? Good - go forward...Day 3 good follicle # - keep moving...Day 7 good follicle growth? Hmmm, not as good as expected - cancel. I thought to myself...wow, you won't waste valuable money on drugs ($300/day) going for something that was never meant to be. I like that idea.

There was so much to the conversation that was positive...we talked about donor eggs/donor embryos, legislation and how its not as intimidating as we think - easy once all the paperwork is signed off on... We wrapped up and I said "ok...well this sounds good...I have to admit I don't have a lot of hope left in me - its been a long haul and..." he cut me off and said "what?" I said, "well it just seems...impossible." He said with a big smile on his face, "why??!!! You have everything to be hopeful for. This is a new direction for you. Don't forget you could have put a 20 year old's embryos in you before your operation and it WOULD NOT HAVE WORKED. EVER. It just would not have worked...so think about it - you put in your eggs that are not such great quality into a toxic environment - you just have no chance. Your uterus should be optimal, there is no endo, your lining is good, you've lost the toxic tube. And if you've already decided on donor eggs/embryos ...forget it!!! You don't need to feel hopeless any more - you WILL BE PREGNANT. There is no question in my mind - our stats are 90% + for donor eggs...YOU WILL GET PREGNANT."

I look at Chris...he says with a smile on his face "oh no...here we go...she's gonna blow!" I BURST into tears...it was impossible for me not to and I hated the fact that I did because I thought this doctor would want none of it...I just couldn't hold it any longer...I just completely broke down...Chris said "don't worry - let it go - its VERY EMOTIONAL!!!" He always lets me cry when I need to - he's sooo understanding that way...I love him for that. I am still breaking down just thinking about it. I WILL BE PREGNANT EVERYONE!!! I am going to have a baby.

Love to you all,
xo