Ooops

Forgot to mention - I got the call (bout bloody time). My consult is on Jan 26. Lolita at my clinic said one can safely assume a 2 month wait between consult and surgery, but that works out well actually. I'll have the consult, we'll go to Maui, I'll return and have the surgery, rest and then we're on for another IVF! Its exciting, but a word of advice for you hopefuls...don't get them up too high!

THANKS FOR READING

Just wanted to give everyone here a big THANK YOU for all your heart felt comments...and most of the time I can tell who you are! I soooo appreciate every single word - there's nothing like getting comments to posts...its like a mini-Christmas every time I log on to find one! I love what everyone has to say...I adored the last one, it was honest and open.

So thanks for being honest - that's important!! And please keep participating - and posting whatever you want. It doesn't have to be in reply to a specific post...just say what you want to say. Anytime.

So thanks to family and friends - its been rough, no question, but you've all been so supportive and I couldn't have gotten through it all without you.

xo

ps don't forget to laugh every day! I do!
(good for the endorphins)

A more serious post...

You know, you try to come to terms with certain things - why things come easily to some, the behavior of others in relation to what you're going through, etc. etc., and sometimes you just feel lost - like no one sees or understands what you are going through because they're just getting on with their lives...and you can't blame them, THEY don't live with infertility EVERY SINGLE DAY. And then you talk to others in your exact situation and they make it make sense...you know? I was feeling like people were forgetting what I was going through, and that this situation I find myself in has become normal and that I'm just fine because I'm not bursting into tears every time I see a baby. But I don't want people to forget, because then it seems like they've given up on me too. I need people to stay on top of me...to ask me...to talk to me about it...but in a way that is kind, and considerate of what I've experienced...in other words, don't pretend to know what I'm going through. You have NO idea. Just listen and be supportive and don't talk out your ass. There are few people who know what I'm going through and one of them is B from the Peach. She and her husband have been struggling with infertility for 4 years, although her story is much more painful IMO for reasons I won't discuss here as its HER story... She's a wonderfully caring person and has such an amazing talent for exploring and breaking down the emotions related to infertility. I vented about the stupid things people say and she responded...

"...with short-term health crises, the problem happens, you talk to other people about it, they give you support, then the problem is resolved and people move on. Because the affected person is talking about the problem, people are on best behavior (or at least they try to be). People try to say the right things, they ask about it, they listen, they expect you to talk about it.

But with long term infertility, this dynamic gets messed up. I know from my own experience, I got to a point where I didn't want to talk about it much, because I started to feel like people would see me as a "Debbie Downer" all the time. I worried that people would be tired of hearing about it. Heck, I get tired of talking about it. So you stop talking about it, which gives others the impression that maybe you're doing A-OK or that it's not an issue anymore, and so maybe they start to talk off the cuff more in ways that can be hurtful."

Bingo.

There was more to the post, but I thought this part was worth posting here, because it is so well said. Thanks again B!

Don't think you're lucky? Think again...

I used to think people who got pregnant right away were so lucky!
And then I thought, wow, people who got pregnant within a year are so lucky!
And then I thought DEFINITELY women who got pregnant on their first IVF attempt are so lucky!
And then I thought if you can get pregnant within 3 IVF's then you are definitely lucky!
Then I thought people who adopt are so lucky!

Now I think if I ever get a baby through adoption I will be so lucky! HA!

So if you take are walking around like a zombie because your kids kept you up all night, or you have throwup on your best sweater, or you need to make 8 dozen cookies for the bakesale tomorrow, or you have a household full of phlegmmy kids...you know what I say?

YOU ARE SO LUCKY!

Here we are in Limboland again...where nothing happens and the hope starts to fade. I have officially become the obnoxious caller. The one everyone wishes would just go away. I email Blugerman adoption jokes which I'm sure he rolls his eyes at, and the nurses at the clinic are tired, I'm sure, of telling me to "be patient". How long does it take to book an effing appointment? You open the book, you run your finger down to the next available spot and you write down a name. Easy peasy right? So what on earth is the holdup?

Every day I am bombarded with pics of newborns, and pregnancy announcements. Its difficult. Facebook is brutal!! Its a constant barrage of squirming newborns, eyes half open, wrapped in soft fleece and smelling like baby. I never thought I'd be the type to say this, but maybe I should stay away for a while. I've always enjoyed other people's babies, but right now...well, it really stings.

I hate whining but its all I can muster these days. But that's the nature of the blog...you have to hear the bad too...and right now its officially...BAD.

Moaning Lisa

Wake up and wonder what aches and pains today will bring.
Reach over to turn off alarm that Chris sleeps through daily and realize my shoulder is still frozen.
Wince with pain.
Get up slowly, no more wrenching myself up to the sitting position – recipe for disaster.
Roll to one side, use right arm to prop self up, keeping neck straight, slowly lower legs. Ok, nothing “pinched”. So far so good. Moving on…
Head to the washroom.
Recall sciatic pain down right leg…remember that limping is easier - limp to the washroom.
Look in mirror. Stare with utter disbelief.
?
?
?
Wonder how on earth face could look so puffy. Recall enjoying large bag of Miss Vicki’s chips the night prior.
Notice grey taking over brown. Wonder if growing out grey would look chic or shitty.
Pee while petting 2 cats.
Worry that new cat (who we have very recently adopted and haven’t gotten a litter for yet because we’re lazy…fingers crossed) will hear sounds of flowing water which will then trigger uncontrollable urge to pee himself. (Does this happen to you?)
Figure he must be bursting by now and tell new cat to hang on kitty, just hang on.
Forget and walk past bursting new cat and head for scales in office. As suspected gain yet another pound. Fat or water retention? Who the hell knows.
Brace self at top of stairs while old and new cat do figure 8’s around feet. With only one eye open, try to navigate my way down without a) killing a cat or b) breaking neck. It’s a miracle I make to the main floor in one piece. Make note to clean walls of hand prints.
Let new cat out for the day, feed old cat her kibble.
Strain neck lowering water dish to the floor.
Take fertility pills (this is where you slap your knee and laugh…good one).
Wonder secretly if fertility vitamins the undiscovered "fountain of youth."
Take a 2nd look at grey hair in toaster.
Eat cereal.
Check email (with one hand over eye for clearer vision).
Sneeze. Pull lower back muscle.
Return to upstairs to begin anti puffiness process…

Make mental note to search internet at work for new miracle potion.

Sigh.

WOW! Doc’s office just phoned to tell me I definitely ovulated this month! This is great because we were “on board” if you catch my drift. Oh…but wait a second…I’m pretty sure I ovulate every month…and I’m pretty sure I’ve ovulated every month, for the past 48 months…and I’m pretty sure that I ovulate CD 16-18, which is when we have been..."on board"...without complaining about it even. Yet nothing seems to come of our efforts (roll eyes). Oh boy…who knew this TTC business would be so tricky! Seems like everyone is doing their share, showing up on time, working their full 8 hours, gettin’ things done…but the business is bombing. Scratch head. It doesn’t make any sense, yet here we are. Well! Miracles do happen, right? Pfffft. Please.

Next step is Monday’s meeting with Dr. G.O.H. to review our findings.

Ain’t this fun?!!

Hydro-Monster Be Gone!

So...if you're following along, Dr. G. has us doing a "diagnostics cycle" - which means we are getting a baseline of what my body naturally does - all on its own without fertility drugs. Smart idea now that I think of it (2.5 years later). Anyhoo! Doc's office calls to tell me that I have a very lovely looking follicle on the right side - not the left where the dreaded hydrosalpinx is - waiting to strike dead any living thing inside me. The Hydro Monster!! BRAAAAAAAH! THOU SHALT NOT LIVE! (that's Hydro Monster's voice...in case you hadn't figured that out. Please refer to scary monster picture shown above). So back to the point of the phone call, doc says to "get busy" over the next few days...you know, give it a go. I'll have to break the news to Chris gently...he doesn't like being told what to do...ok Chris I am laughing right now - you are absolutely fuming no doubt. Well you know...get your own blog... (love you!)

Anyway, I have to have Hydro Monster removed from my innerds before any IVF can happen. That means surgery. I am waiting for a surgery date...real patiently I might add...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...

There are 2 girls on the Peach who found out TODAY they are pregnant. A long road for them - very very long road with lots of IVF attempts. I am over the moon for both of them - for the obvious reasons, as well as hope for myself. I think we are all in for about $40,000+ each (not that we give a crapola about the money spent, but just to give you an approximate idea of the level of fuckedness). The only thing that differentiates us is that they both have had pregnancies. For one a miscarriage, for the other a chemical. I beg the powers that be to let them continue to be pregnant and have happy healthy squiggly pudgy pink babies. Twins would be heaven sent, but I won't push my luck.

I really do feel like the last man standing...and its kinda weird since Chris and I don't really have a diagnosis other than the hydrosalpinx and possible DNA fragmentation in his sperm, or old eggs, etc. Good grief it really does seem hopeless...I have to say. I cannot envision a pregnancy at this point, yet I have to stay hopeful because it happens for women all the time. Those who truly thought they'd never ever get pregnant...it does happen. I can't be that screwed can I? Where I never get to have a baby, and I never get to adopt either? WTF?

Anyway, bottom line my ladies got knocked up - and for this moment we'll say, if it happened for them, it can happen for us.

I don't know what it is about writing...sometimes you feel like getting it all down, and other times you just can't bring yourself to do it. Lately, to be perfectly honest, its been more of a case of "I can't be bothered." Horrible attitude huh? Well it comes with the territory I suppose. There are long months of nothingness...just continuing on with no irons in the fire...it makes me crazy and panicked.

I don't know how it happened, but something inside my head clicked on and there it was...my plan. Clear as mud but a plan nonetheless. I have to switch doctors and try another IVF. I don't know at what point I need to give up on the whole project, but it ain't at the ripe old age of 39...that's for shizzle. So here we are - on the cusp of another shot...

The new doc, we'll call Dr. Glimmer of Hope, does things much differently than the old doc, we'll call Dr. Crapola over at the old clinic, we'll call Deathquest. His process is the antithesis of Dr. Crapola's where everyone appears to get the same breakfast, lunch and dinner. And he takes his time, spends hours explaining things, talks things out. The most time I ever spent with Dr. Crapola in a room was approx. 2 minutes (other than the retrieval which I'm sure he feels takes up way too much of his precious time). Dr. G. spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS looking at my girl pipes the other day...TWO AND A HALF HOURS PEOPLE. He had a damn good look and discovered some scary, but fixable things. Dr. G. thinks that if we eliminate these things that could be lowering my chances, and boost up my egg quality, we have a fair shot.

So there it is in a nutshell. Dr. G. called me angry and for the sake of this latest attempt, I am going to put all of my ill feelings about Deathquest behind me and move forward.

Oh, and on Thursday, Chris and I signed the final adoption homestudy papers...we are DONE! We are officially in a position to receive that phone call saying we've been chosen. That's very exciting.

TWO irons in the fire.

(ps thanks N for reminding me to WRITE!!)

Now I...had...the time of my life....no I never felt this way before....and I swear its the truth...and I owe it all to you!

Well the end of summer approaches. I can’t say I’m miserable about it, I really love fall and, of course, the clothes that go along with it. I love the crisp mornings and the smell of dried leaves, fireworks and squash soups. Love it all. I have taken a break from taking courses – usually at this time I am gearing up for another HR course, but this term I just want to take a break, and not be running around like a madwoman come Christmas to get everything done, while studying for a final. Its fine…and I always get through it and there’s a great sense of accomplishment that goes along with finishing, but this year I just need a break. I have promised myself I will take a course in January so I’m not falling behind.

We are at Deerhurst this weekend – an Ontario resort in Huntsville. It’s really nice, very “Dirty Dancing”. I feel like we should have found out where the “real” party was last night…up the path, over the creek to the “staff” lodgings for a little bump n’ grind. It would have been better than what was going on here. We decided we would watch a movie after dinner. We have 2 double beds and a flat screen in the bedroom and then a regular TV with couch and chair and kitchenette in the other room. Its called a Jr. Suite. Anyway, we got into our own beds (I had requested a king bed but this will do!) to watch “Iron Man” and, of course, the menu wouldn’t work. We called front desk but they said all they could do was re-set it…other than that we’re out of luck. It didn’t work. So knowing the menu worked in the main room we gathered our pillows and blankies and tried to get comfortable in front of a crappy TV that seemed miles away. The people next door had their TV so loud we could barely hear ours. In fact, we couldn’t even figure out where it was coming from it was so loud! Knowing that the noise obviously carries, we felt we had to keep ours down to ensure we didn’t piss off our neighbours like these people were doing. Kids, must have been kids because it was so damn loud it was laughable. Then the people upstairs came home. In, out, in, out, slam, bang, door shut, screen slammed, stomp over to the TV, stomp back from the TV, jump off the bed, run to the door, open door, slam door, turn right back around, come in door, slam door, stomp to fridge… It was a bit of a circus. So with all of this going on, we could barely hear our movie, or see it for that matter. I couldn’t wait for it to be finished so we could just turn our TV off to be sure we weren’t irritating people. I don’t remember my head hitting the pillow. I feel grand this morning – fresh and ready for the day.

So adoption stuff…well the 4 extra books are finished and bound. Blug said we would need copies of the original to send to other agencies/licensees around Ontario. The guy at the printshop called and said they were out of the purple/blue covers, so would I like “light blue”…I said “like a baby blue?” He said yes. Well what do guys know about colour? Nothing, it is the most obnoxious turquoisey sky blue I’ve ever seen. So I went on a mission to “The Papery” to find more appealing covers. After many many minutes torturing myself over what would be best, I settled for a silver card stock…it has textured striping through it – I think it will look good without looking too contrived. Let’s hope anyway. I am quite pleased with The Book, I can only hope it will be the key to finding a really great birthmom.

"The Book"

Sounds like I’m talking about the Bible, but I’m not. I’m referring to our adoption portfolio…the book that will decide our fate…the book that will “sell” us to a prospective birth mother. God I hope it’s ok.

I spent hours upon hours putting The Book together, without really researching what was supposed to go in it. I mean, I had a general idea, but I really did wing it through and through. I like it. If I were a young mother I would connect with this book. I wrote as if I were speaking to her… I made each flip of The Book a new story. There was a quick introduction and a bunch of pictures of Chris and me, and then I went into stories. Short quick detailed stories of this and that…and each page had a theme. “Lisa talks about Chris” and then a story, and a bunch of pictures. “Chris’s favourite memory” where he would describe his adventures at Sanibel Island… The Book is full of pictures...pictures of us, family, holidays, pets, our house, friends. Its visually loaded and I think this will be key. People like to see what they're getting into - and hopefully I provided a really good "glimpse" into our lives.

We definitely lacked in talking about adoption itself and how we are open to the new way in which adoption is going, so I had to make some adjustments - talk more about openness. The fact of the matter is that open adoption is the way adoption is going…so you’d better get on the bus or you’ll be left behind. No one is interested in closed adoption now - it’s considered old fashioned and closed minded. The days of no contact and not knowing who your birthmother was are over. Today it’s all about BBQ’s and picnics and one happy blended family and if you don’t like it – then you’re meant for international adoption where the chances of having future contact are slim to none. We hope to achieve something in between. I have no issues with sending pictures and updates on milestones and achievements – and anyone who knows me knows I’ll totally embrace that AND enjoy it…and hey – it might even turn into something I never thought I could do …but this is not a “shared parenting” arrangement…well enough said on that subject…its difficult to continue without sounding cold or matter-of-fact… Ok I’m gonna try: I like the openness of it all, but within reason, I guess is what I’m getting at. I don’t want moving to another city to be an issue because birth mom won’t be able to make the BBQ, kwim?

But anyway, The Book is done and as I type this being printed in glossy paper with royal blue covers times 4. The 4 “copies” will then be sent to different Lincensees within Ontario. This gets our name out there a little more. There’s a charge to register, of course, but it is very reasonable – approx $300 each agency. That is very doable.

I can’t say that I’m not getting more and more excited about it all. Imagine! We get to bring home a baby!! AND, as many friends have so kindly pointed out, keep my girlish figure.

Stay tuned!

3 Months Later

Well...we are definitely on the home stretch of the adoption homestudy. Chris and I have answered all the questions, passed our police checks, created our birthmother profile, and are probably in for one more sesssion with The Blug to approve the "report". This is the report (I think)that Blugerman will send to the powers that be SHOULD a child be placed in our home. I don't think with Blugerman's stamp of approval and no red flags we would be denied at that point - its just a formality. On approval we would then be able to officially adopt through the courts.

Well that's what I think anyway... I don't really know for sure - just go-in' with the flow at this point!

Am I excited to be at this point? Yes and no. I think we are about to face some really difficult decisions. I can't deny that Chris and I would, of course, given the choice take a healthy baby over a baby that would potentially have developmental issues, whether physical or mental. I think GIVEN A CHOICE, most first time parents would want this for themselves, no?

Well we do...but we'll see.

So I just got back from Kelowna. I was there for 8 days and extended it another 2. It was really nice. I think Chris and I would do well there... there is just so much open space and hardly any traffic. I think Chris needs to get out of this busy city as much as I do. I was excited to see Chris but became more depressed about being home when I stepped into a house that reeked of smoke and was dirty. I can't deny I like a spiffy house and Chris had really not done much in the way of maintenance. Our neighbor smokes like a chimney and since there was no cleaning going on on our side, the smell of smoke had settled into the house. It was cluttered, messy, dirty. Talk about depressing. All day Friday I couldn't wait to get home to start cleaning. I wasn't really INTO cleaning, but knew I would feel so much better with a clean house - more clear in the mind if you know what I mean. I started at 4 and didn't stop until about 9:30 - and I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I like the house again.

Gonna try to keep this up now...but its difficult as the adoption process has such large gaps between visits and we sit in limbo...but will try to keep it up.

Thanks for listening!!

OMG how rude am I? I just leave you all hangin?? Without a word?? My apologies…I thought about writing every day but I just wasn’t into it…you know? Or “ready” or what have you – just un-inspired, perhaps bummed out…not ready to get to that next step…

But here we are.

Adoption. Well we’ve had one “consult” appt, and one “home study” appt. The home study, we found out today, will take under 3 months which surprises me actually because some Canadian “informational” sites say 3-6 months (but count on more like 6 months) or 3-12 months. So to hear Blugerman say that it will definitely wrap up in 3 months was encouraging.

The “consult”, I believe, was to ensure Blugerman wouldn’t be wasting his time. It was strictly a meet and greet, and from there we determined that the adoption process was what we wanted to pursue, regardless of the fact that it was not, by any stretch of the imagination, an easy road. Quite the opposite.

Blugerman, a nice guy by all means, was not a warm and squishy guy…he was very matter of fact and I’m certain after the initial consult I had a mini-breakdown. Now I am not the breakdown type, because I’m freakin’ strong willed (I’m realizing) but that day I cried for probably, oh, 7 hours…min. I think all of the IF feelings I’ve ever had over the past 3 years came flooding in...with a vengeance. I bawled…I screamed…I was NOT happy. But I think that’s when it came out. I think you have to manage your feelings and not analyze them too much…I am going to have shitty days – I am dealing with something very profound and I am not going to apologize anymore for it. I am hurt.

So moving on…we had our first home study session today and it was fine. We had all of our initial paperwork filled out and signed, and he gave us more info/questionnaires/RCMP police check stuff to do/fill out. So we have much more to do…but it seems manageable right now. I am feeling like we are making headway on this project and maybe, just maybe, when we are finished in 3 months, we will be given an opportunity we never thought possible…just maybe!

I asked Blugerman what next week’s session would be about – just curious type thing and he said “ooooh, there’s lots to ask you – about your family, your childhood, etc." I was hoping that he would get that over and done with in that first session, since we completed those questionnaires, but apparently not. I hate that sort of thing, I’m not sure why but I guess I don’t want to screw up and give off the impression I wasn’t a totally and completely happy kid. I think they say things like “explain a time when you and your father bonded.” Well there were a billion times…and they flood my head when I think about it… I asked someone else this question tonight and she said “I cannot think of a single time.” Its hard to remember that far back. That would be 30 years now! He was a damn good dad…she was a damn good mom. Not perfect by any stretch but as good as you can bloody get! Maybe I am more frustrated with the question…like if I got pregnant naturally, maybe you could just take your questions and shove them right up your arse!!! (No offense Blugerman, I’m sure you understand).

Home Study session 2 next Wed and we are one step closer. I hope that our luck turns soon…I really do. We deserve it.

I’ll try to keep up from now on – thanks for your patience (Lisa!!!)

Xoxoxo

It's Official! I'm a Nutbar!

Excuse my inner ramblings, but does anyone know that commercial - the Pedigree Dog Food commercial with "Max"? He was the cute little dog in the pound who didn't have an owner, put his little nose between the barbed wire fence and the narrator says "My name is Max...and I'm a good dog." Well they have Part 2 where Max is adopted - and it shows him being taken out of the pound by a little girl, with her mother behind her with some dog stuff...and then they say "this is Max now!" and you see him jumping on the bed, and in the car with his (dog) buddy and frolicking in the laundry hamper - the music's all happy and fun. I CANNOT CONTROL THE TEARS WHEN I SEE THIS COMMERCIAL. Someone please campaign to get it taken off the air before I have a breakdown. I can't take it. I'm just so damn happy for Max. Why is it happy things are what get me the most. Like when Kerri Strug won the American team the Gold Medal when she aced the vault with a broken ankle...that kind of stuff makes me BURST into tears. I know...pretty nutty stuff. I think that's why I'm so well matched with Chris. Where any other guy might say "you're a nutbar!" He says "I KNOW! Its VERY emotional stuff! Let it out!!" (and then he kinda laughs at me)

He's good stuff that Cmac.

Sprrrrring has Sprrrrrrung!

So…I’ve been taking a bit of a break…if you haven’t already noticed…just to clear the headspace. I also got quite sick with the flu and have spent the last 3 days moaning on the couch. I am on the mend though.

Spring is here in a big bad way – 18 degrees today! Toronto is like a new place…not like the City of Hell it has seemed like for the past 6 months…one can actually go outside and enjoy a bit of sunshine…imagine. Torontonians are like no other species when it comes to spring and the events that follow… People are friendlier – flip flops are worn – patios prematurely set up. There is drinking and laughter…sunscreen, etc. If anyone has earned the right to be over the top on the first sight of spring…it’s us.

Its good timing actually. If this 4th failed IVF had happened, say, November, I think I wouldn’t have felt so…level headed about things.

Speaking of level headed…and I am very level headed (most of the time)…I have been doing a lot of soul searching…what is it recently that makes this process tolerable? I recall a time when I would be completely and utterly gutted to get this latest news, and an “announcement” would put me over the edge…so why now do I feel so ok with things? And then it dawned on me. Sweep #2 is going to happen once the girls are all back at work… I have been living in a constant state of “out of sight out of mind”. All of the girls are out of sight and to be honest its kindof saved me a little. I am now, for the most part, surrounded by men and older women…and there are NO surprises. When the girls get back and start announcing #2 my world will likely be turned upside down again…

But for now I’m ok.

I was thinking about how some women, in my situation, would have lost it by now - completely gone over the edge. I can think of one, in particular, who would NEVER have made it to this stage without needing a straight jacket - and she was much much younger than me and ended up getting pregnant fairly easily! She would have been the one you’d see on the 6 o’clock news on a hospital surveillance video…”this woman, last seen at Toronto General, took the baby at approximately 10:00pm…she was dressed in pink hospital scrubs and is believed to be ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT CRAZY.” Ok…so a little harsh, but I’m just sayin’ – some women go completely nutty when they can’t conceive. And being that we are not living in poverty, we have options…I can’t imagine what its like for women who can’t afford even IUI on a monthly basis. Or a sperm wash or whatever. DAMN CANADA NEEDS TO GET A FRIGGIN GRIP ON FERTILITY ISSUES. Did you know that France pays for FOUR IVF’s!! FOUR. I’d be a lot richer right now if I lived there.

So…the plan is this. Take a little breather…enjoy life as it should be enjoyed…day to day, not consumed by anything…and in about (or exactly lol) 3 weeks time, call the adoption facilitator for a consult.

Just want to say thank you so much to everyone who posted such lovely comments on the blog. It was really helpful to get so much love and support after such a let down…it made me stay strong knowing that I was supported by so many people, and that in some cases, maybe I’ve helped a little by telling the story. So thanks for reading, thanks for supporting and thanks for leaving comments – it means more than you know.

READ THIS PLEASE!

Don't EVER click on a link in the "comments" section of the Blog. You should never have to go to another page to see a comment. These are advertising scams...

Thank you,

The Management

12 Days Post Transfer

What.


So today’s stick showed no promise of pregnancy. Not a stitch although I did eventually get that tiny faint little strip – but even more faint than the first...so I think I’m out gals. I’m pretty sure it’s a design flaw with that kind of stick. I’m sure tomorrow I will waste yet another $15 by using the First Response...might as well – I mean who cares at this point! Its actually fun playing around with the Jiffy Pen.
Beta is Monday so it’s not quite over – not until the fat lady sings. Don’t get your hopes up...something for sure would have shown up today if I were preggers...I think, unfortunately, this didn’t work out. Although what a wonderful story it would have made.
Fear not...I am currently researching adoption...so if this blog interests you it will not stop until someone puts a screaming baby in my arms...
Thanks for hanging out...watching, listening, and your prayers and support...means EVERYTHING to me...specially those Peaches...they have been a lifesaver.
Lots of Love,
Me.

10 Days Post 3 Day Transfer

So woke up at 6:20 – like clockwork to pee and thought...hmmmm...today I should have enough HcG in my urine to detect on a home pregnancy test...right? I mean, I could put myself out of my misery with all this wait and wonder. I could test today and it would be a pretty good predictor of the final result...right? Wrong. I am more confused than ever.
Pee’d on the damn stick to find a complete and utter negative line...devastation ensued. Tears, sobbing, calling into work...can’t come in...can’t speak... Time elapsed and then Chris and I decided we’d go back to bed for a bit – chill out...well it was about 20 minutes later and I grabbed the stick for another glimpse at my childless future...what’s this now? I see something...I kinda sorta see something. But are my eyes playing tricks on me? I have to squint...tilt the stick...go towards the light, etc. But its there...I think. Could it just be too early to detect anything? Or could the test be bum. I know you are not supposed to rely on the results after the instructed time frame (which is 10 minutes) but there’s an effing line!! But don't get your hopes up...it didn't come up right away.
The Peaches. The Peaches make me cry. I just finished reading a couple of posts after apologizing for being such a drama queen and hogging the forum...they made me cry. They are so caring and so awesome...I never thought belonging to this on-line community would mean so much to me. They are EVERYTHING to me. I love them all. Since posting this morning – and showing evidence of the stick in question, they have digitally enhanced the picture for me to show the blue line, they have INVERTED the colors kinda like infrared FBI shit to show that the line, in fact, does exist. They have all cheered over this stick, but too are cautiously optimistic...we all agree. A follow test must be done.
Stupidly, I sped-walked to the Shoppers Drug Mart for more Stix. Came home and immediately pee’d in a cup...Chris's favorite cup for good luck - JUUUUUST KIDDING - held the stick there for 5 and then waited. Nothing but one pink line. I could not even tell you where the 2nd line would appear...a definite negative. No doubt about it...waited 20 minutes...still very negative.
It might be because it wasn’t first morning urine...although it was looking like a good sample – I didn’t drink too much after the first pee... I dunno – it’s all very...uncertain.
I asked Chris – what is your GUT telling you? He said he was optimistic...but cautiously. We laughed because I said “no – give me your TRUE gut feeling” – which clearly he didn’t want to do because his responses then became:
“I’m not sure...it could go either way.”
“I’d say its 50/50 at this point.”
“It’s going to go one way...or the other.”
At least he makes me laugh.

So we wait...we skip tomorrow because LISA NEEDS TO GET HER ASS TO WORK BEFORE SHE GETS THE BOOT, and test on Saturday. If indeed that was a faint positive, it will show up stronger on Saturday. Beta (blood test) is on Monday...it is not unheard of to get a false negative on a home pregnancy test and a positive beta...but rare. There’s still hope...don’t give up hope.

9 Days Post Transfer

I KNOW I can POAS now…but I am far too scared to. I really am such a chicken – I feel that an answer today or tomorrow would 80% be the final result… Some might say, it may be too early to test…but we all know that it’s probably not and if I am truly pregnant it would show up now.

I’m not ready for the answer…if it’s negative. I’m just not ready. I think it would crush me at this point. It’s possible I’ve told too many people…and now I am feeling the pressure. Not the Peach gang – they get to know everything, and not family, but “others” that maybe I shouldn’t have made privy.

There’s good and bad to so many people being “in the loop”. The good is so much positive energy and prayer (if you believe). It certainly cannot hurt the cause. I know that everyone I’ve told is gunning for us – they care so much and that has made my life! The bad is that wow…what a let down for so many people. I know everyone is waiting – watching – hoping – praying… Everyone wants this so bad for me (it’s a nice feeling – trust me)…but a lot of pressure.

I think if things don’t swing our way I am done with trying to make a baby happen inside me. It’s too hard on me…physically and mentally – and I think Chris needs to move on as well and find a solution with a bit more certainty. When I think back to when I was in my 20’s – I remember, because I came from a small family and had a brother who was older and had his own thing going on, I wanted a large family. I used to always talk about 6…that way everyone would have a buddy…but it just wasn’t in the cards. Shame because I am missing family in my life…and right now it feels like it’s the only thing that’s important…the only thing that matters.

Ok…today’s sympts…

Nothing really – just tired…big sore boobs...sore toosh (see below!)

8 Days Post Transfer

This is your ass on drugs.


Anyone comes near this side of my anatomy with a needle and I cannot be held responsible for how I might react...Ninja like reflexes and a needle through your temple... The other side is fine though...strange huh? Its really grim - its itchy and hard and sore...and no longer the once shapely bum used to flaunt. This better be worth it dammit!!

Well I'm sure its the 2cc's of progesterone that is making me want to be horizontal with my eyes closed the entire day. Work was hell - I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the week (not like I'm getting a lot done with my head buzzing the way it is). Isn't this cruel and unusual punishment? Make it end already!

When I came home I said to Chris I really don't feel well - my upper back is really strained and I feel like I'm getting sick. I went directly to couch and slept for 2 hours...and I could go to bed for the night now. I do feel better though...I think this process is taking its toll, not only drug-wise, but stress wise. Promising not to stress too much though...what's done is done and all I can do is hope.

7 Days Post Transfer

Well...not too much going on today...same old same old - AM I? AM I NOT? AM I? MAYBE I AM? NO WAY I AM... BUT ITS POSSIBLE...COULD IT BE? DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP...BUT MAYBE? ITS POSSIBLE! ...just an example of my constant and annoying inner dialog.

I am a little concerned about the pinch I have in my left side...kinda near where the fallopian tube was aspirated...sortof showed up noticeably yesterday - a similar feeling to the feeling I had after Dr. S. did the ultrasound and was poking around a lot. My fear is that it's filled back up...because I think I can feel the pressure. It kept me up last night...not because it was painful, but more because I worried all night about the fluid seeping into my uterus and damaging a potential pregnancy.

I also have a lot of pain in the progesterone injection sites - on my butt...talked to Judi about that today and she said its because we're doing 2cc's of progesterone and that's "a LOT". The site is so itchy and sore and red and bruised...we'll have to stay away from the left side for a couple of days...the thought of sticking a needle in there again? Brrrrr!! No thanks. Judi suggested (if I am in fact pregnant and we have to continue for 12 weeks) that we inject 1 cc and do a vaginal suppository. EEEWEE!!! I'll stick to my bruised arse thank you.

New plan on testing. I walked up to Dr. Thomas' office at Mount Sinai today (one floor up from mine - its so convenient) - she's the doctor that did a laparoscopy on me a year and a half ago...I really liked her but her receptionist gave me some trouble recently and I had to march up there and ask her what her problem was (she wasn't returning my call). Anyway, went up there today and said "do you remember me - I went to S.F. to do an embryo transfer." She said oh yes! of course - how did that go, etc., and I told her that it went fine, but I don't have anyone to do a beta for me (blood test to see if I'm pregnant) and she said "no problem - here you go." and gave me a requisition. So that is great - I will do that on Monday...Judi in S.F. said Friday was too soon and that I could not rely on a negative result on Friday if I got one...so what's the point? I will just pee on a stick on Saturday morning and hope I see that + sign for once in my sorry life!

6 Days Post Transfer

Well...woke up this morning to the same heavy feeling in my uterus. I seem to be constantly aware of the area, like there are two fingers pointing to it at all times.
Had a pee in the morning and noticed a little pink on the paper...which instantly had me in a good mood. See IVF-ers or ART girls generally spot during their pregnancies...not sure why but they just do, and a little moment of spotting around 6-7 days past transfer could be indicative of “implantation” spotting...the embryo burying into the uterus, and thereby causing a little bit of bleeding. I didn’t have this any any time during my last two IVF’s, and I think it’s too early for my period, so I can only hope the difference is a good thing. The ONLY thing is...progesterone can cause spotting – DAMN PROGESTERONE (shaking fists).
So anyway, I’m taking it as a good sign...still cramping a little...much earlier than last time which was closer to getting my period...I am still a week away from testing/getting my period – this is all happening early – so keep your fingers crossed that this is all a good sign.
Thanks for stoppin’ by.
x

5 Days Post Transfer

So all of today's symptoms can be explained away... I am so scared that all of these symptoms are going to be nothing more than the drugs I have been taking. What a shame - and to be completely honest with you, I thought FOR SURE my last IVF worked - I just thought, "this is it!", because so much was going on in my body, but it was the drugs all along. I feel the same way this time... and I'm so scared I'm going to be let down again. Not sure I could handle that right now...I mean...then what? What's next...I dunno...feeling a bit blue today - had a blowout fight with Chris which hasn't happened in a long while and apparently he doesn't care one iota that I'm a walking drug store, being pumped with hormones and potentially pregnant.

Stomach feels bloated - but Doxycycline makes you feel this way. I'm also having a slight bit of difficulty swallowing - not feeling ill at all - just feels tight in the throat - also a side effect of Doxy...what else...

hmmm...

Burping a lot! Cramps still...lower back feels tired. Every once in a while I get a large "hic!" like when you're eating McDonald's (not that I ever have McDonald's) but then you take a big sip of coke and you instantly do that big "hic!" thing?? You know what I mean? Those randomly happen.

Well that's my body in a nutshell today. 6 more sleeps...then I PEE.

4 Days Post Transfer

Well today is a crampy day – they didn’t really stop before going to bed last night and since waking up they’ve become stronger, but not sharp – a dull achiness, kinda like period cramps. Went grocery shopping with Chris today (miracles never cease) and thought having him there would be helpful. ..but noooo, he has to play “evade Lisa with the shopping cart.” So I would catch a glimpse of him at the very end of an aisle, only for him to quickly disappear. Thought he was soooo funny – showing up miles away, but only for a moment so I could catch a sliver of his face...then he’d slip away. Meanwhile my arms are full of groceries, my back feels pinched and all I want to do is sit down. He wasn’t even visible long enough for me to give him a death glare.
But in all fairness he was helpful in the end...went to work at the checkout and loaded the car and told me to go and lie down while he put away the groceries. Even wiped down the fridge...shocker! We like him today and will not nag him again. Today I said.
Yeah, so back to the cramps...I, of course, have become completely and utterly obsessed with Googling “4 days post transfer cramps” and although it appears to be a very good sign, progesterone is what a body will NATURALLY start producing when its pregnant and this is what causes the uterus to expand/contract...so really...who the hell knows since I’m manually pumping in 2 CC’s of the stuff! Speaking of my ass looks like Princess Leia with two huge lumps on either side...and it doesn’t feel so nice either. One more innocent smack of the ass from Chris and he’ll be very very sorry...I have warned him twice now. I guess its automatic.

3 Days Post Transfer

VERY aware of my uterus area – it feels heavy/bloated...kinda like gassy but the gas never comes out! I get the occasional pokey scrapey feeling but I am certain it’s because I’ve been paying such close attention, like, I’m certain I had the same twinges when I was, say, 24, but I was just too busy bustin’ a move on the dance floor to notice. I did also have a needle stuck up my hoohaw the other day which can’t be too much fun for the nether regions. Some recovery is surely required...
Oh, and don’t you think it’s a hoot that pregnancy feels EXACTLY like you’re getting your period – so you can’t really ever know...until you know...you know? And don’t forget the progesterone being pumped in daily which makes you have sore boobs and uterine cramps – that’s a for sure head game...and the estrace – what the hell does that do? Well I’m not sure but I’m guessing it makes you feel PREGNANT!
I’ve gone down this road many times before...I can convince myself of just about anything. I will tell you this...I do have a hunch one way or the other but unfortunately I am not at liberty to divulge.
Stay tuned...

I'm eating for 3!

Ok! So we are officially stocked up with embryos. 2 to be exact. One is a lovely "good" grade 8 cell embie and the other is an "average" 5 cell...the 3rd degenerated, but Dr. Sohn was feeling very optimistic - thinks we have a very good chance of 1...possibility of 2...but he said "our goal is for one healthy baby."

He's so damn nice...really a very caring doc...was a little apprehensive at the start of the week but thinks everything went as well as it could have!! Here's our future... I'M SO HAPPY!!!! I think I need a 2nd bagel...

ps - forgot to mention Chris reminded me that our Day FIVE embies never reached 7 cells (these are Day THREE - shown above - yes those are ours!!)...so...FINGERS CROSSED EVERYONE!!!

Picking The Kids Up at the Rink...

Well today’s the day! I am excited but a bit confused about what my body is doing to me. Yesterday had a very successful aspiration with Dr. Sohn. He said that the fluid was clear and not infected and suggested that it was likely more fluid left over from the HSG I had done in December – so that was the best possible outcome because I suppose that means that my body isn’t producing the liquid on its own, and hence won’t fill back up??? I dunno – I think that’s the way it goes...
Soooo! I’ve to take Doxycycline, IN addition to the Estrace, the progesterone, the Medrol...it says to take the Doxy on an empty stomach...HA HA HA...very funny. Woke bright and early and took the pill. Thought I won’t have coffee this morning since I HAVE TO TAKE VALIUM as well, and decided to go across to Starbucks to get Chris a coffee and me just a tea. Well as soon as I had 2 sips of tea the world started spinning – and then there was chaos. Projectile violent vomiting. Lovely. I am finally a bit better – its 9:00am and I’m supposed to take my Valium...I already feel like a walking drug store and the thought of taking more drugs...gaaaack...my wee body can’t handle so much. I am eating dry toast right now – 2 slices of dry toast at the Clift Hotel will run you $9.00 + tip...FYI.
Ok off we go!! Hope the embryos are good and healthy!!

Chris is funny

Ok Chris just made me laugh so hard I almost spat my drink all over the keyboard. He’s never been a “robe” man...thinks they’re girly - but he just had a really hot shower and wanted to give it a shot. Put the robe on and said “OMG – its like being ensconced in fleece! Who knew?” Well we all did...actually. He’s now talking about inventing terrycloth pants.

SF – Days #2&3 – Touch...and GO!

Ok. So Day 2 was a bit of a nightmare. Had the ultrasound only to discover that I have fluid in my left fallopian tube, which may have an effect on the embryos. The problem arises if the fluid seeps into the uterus – if it’s a bacterial infection it can sabotage the embryos. DEVASTATION. On Day 2 we were told to enjoy San Francisco, return to Canada, have a surgery to REMOVE the fallopian tube, and come back when things were clear. We know this was not easy news to deliver, and it definitely wasn't something we wanted to hear when everything we've done for the past 3 months has been all about this. The excitement, the drugs, the lawyers and organization, the hope the waiting...only to be dealt another crimp in the plan. Hope returned in the form of Option 2, which is to asperate the tube, remove the fluid and hope that it doesn’t build up again. There is no saying how long this took to build up in the first place...we can only hope that doing an asperation will nip this problem in the bud...and hope that the fluid doesn’t return, and if it does...pray it is slow to develop.
So...onward and upward. We go with Option 2. Getting to this decision wasn’t easy – there is so much to consider, but we feel confident with our decision. We came here to do this...we’re doing it.
Sunday we go for an operation to remove the fluid. Dr. Sohn waived his fee which is really helpful since this extra procedure costs an additional 3 grand and obviously wasn’t something we budgeted for. He really is all business, but it’s also obvious too that he is very understanding of the emotional impact this has had on us.
I received a call from Judi today – she’s the coordinator. She said that everyone EVERYONE is pulling for us and gave us a story of a woman who they truly didn’t think stood a chance, and is now pregnant. Apparently her lining wasn’t very good. I’m glad to report that Dr. Sohn said right off the bat that my uterus/lining was perfect...let’s hope that helps our cause.
FET is still scheduled for Monday...so thank GOD this trip wasn’t for nothing. I really don’t think I could have handled leaving S.F. without the transfer...that would have really done a number on me...I’ve come too far to turn back empty handed.

SF – Day#1 – Arrival!

Well despite 20 minutes of hell and certain death (turbulence) we arrived safely! Got to the hotel about 1pm and managed to check in early which was good – didn’t occur to me to arrange early check in, but it was no problem and they upgraded us to a “suite” which was unexpected and fantastic! So we have a sitting area with a TV, and then a bedroom area with TV...so Lisa doesn’t have to watch “How it’s Made” and “Mega structures”. YAAAAWN. Kidding there will be very little time for TV.
Went out straight away and walked what I think was west (up??) and did a big circle around. It’s such a great area we’re in – Union Square – obviously the shopping district. I think Janice’s intentions were good but she mustn’t know about my little shopping...”challenge” I prefer to use in place of addiction. There is a pair of shoes at Stuart Weitzman calling my name...only $225. I think that’s doable don’t you? I also found a pashmina for $500 that I really like. I walked into the store, stood in the middle and did a 360 degree turn and then pointed to a pashmina and said “this is the one I like”. He said “oooh, you have very good taste – you picked the most expensive one in the store!” Well duh!
THANK GOD Chris was still getting a coffee at Starbucks – he would have had a field day with that comment.
Went to a restaurant called “Perry’s” – Chris had the burger – and I had the salad. Once again Chris’s dinner kicked my dinner’s ass. I had his pickle though. They had these really skinny bread stick things that I THINK were decoration, and I was tempted to eat one...Chris said “look honey, no one else is eating theirs...when in doubt do what the locals do.”
Back at the hotel now – we’ve been up an awfully long time and are now using toothpicks to keep from falling asleep too early. Big ultrasound tomorrow with Dr. Sohn. Hope all goes well!!!

Tracy Lied!!

She said it would be smooth sailing from here on out... I figured after almost burning the house to the ground and the passport incident that I had paid my dues...but no...we all know that bad things happen in 3's.

I'm happy to report that bad thing #3 happened tonight. A large glass measuring cup high up on the shelf dropped and landed on my middle finger and mangled it. I look like ET with a big swollen black finger with a big crust of blood. I have syringes in the house and it has occurred to me to put the needle in and suck out the blood because it is FULL...and tight.

On the upside that's 3! No more back luck will come my way...knock on wood.

(and yes, it took me 2 hours to type this)

Lost and Found

I have learned my lesson – a few times...or at least I thought I had. I booked a trip once in my early 20’s only to discover a week before traveling that I needed a valid passport to go there. Not having one, I went to the passport office. They said “you need an expired passport or a Citizenship Card to get a passport.” I knew I had a citizenship card...I just couldn’t find it anywhere...and I never did. The passport was obtained, but it was not easy to get – and it caused me and my mother a LOT of unnecessary stress. The whole ordeal, in combination with the student loan debacle, which we won’t get into or I’ll start to cry, was enough to make me change my ways. I swore that I would have ONE spot for all important documents, and I would diligently pay any bills and stay on top of my finances.
Fast forward to today. Being the cautious person I am, I thought I better have a quick check to make sure everything is in order for our travel to the US on Wednesday. I went to “the spot”...but there is no passport. 2 hours later I am in a panic – crying to Chris that it’s gone, and that the flights are in my maiden name because my passport is still my maiden name, but the rest of my ID is in my married name. And besides that I think its mandatory now for all passengers flying to the US to have valid passports. 2 DAYS PRIOR TO TRAVEL and I’ve lost it. Gone.
Sick...I was just sick about it. How could this have happened when I am so careful? Why do these things seem to always happen to me? What what what if I hadn’t checked today and I went to get it on Wednesday morning – can you imagine how upset I would have been – having to travel for something so important, only to be dealt that blow 2 hours before a flight???
I looked everywhere – keep in mind we have only been home from Florida for 3 weeks...so it’s not that long ago I saw it. Not having it handy meant something was up...something bad. After searching bags, suitcases, jackets, purses, envelopes, drawers, piles of bills, piles of random stuff many many times over I was resigned to the fact that I wasn’t going to find it. It wasn’t anywhere it could have been...it was gone.
For whatever strange reason I went to the 3 foot pile of newspapers that was waiting for recycling day at the front door and plunked myself down...tears running down my face. As I started taking newspapers off, I thought this is so stupid – it’s not going to be here...but my mind was elsewhere – searching frantically for some memory that might lead me to my passport... I was just about to give up when I took off the last paper...and there it was...ready for the recycling truck.
Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson. Sick about it...just sick.

The Enemy

Google is not your friend. Google has done quite a bit of research for me and it turns out donor embryo transfer success rates come in around 15-20%. This is a sad stat…that I am not at all comfortable with. I much prefer the optimism of Dr. Sohn who gave us a 50/50…but why?? Is Google being conservative to protect my feelings? I can’t imagine that as half of the info Google provided me was from agencies who MUST want to lure prospective customers with their alarmingly high success rates. Sigh…20%?? I wouldn’t even be comfortable with 70%, never mind 20%.

Anyhoo…its Friday morning and I refuse to let this bring me down. It’s going to work and that’s that. How can it not? They are good quality embryos and my uterus is pink and fluffy. IT’S GOING TO WORK.

Owie-owie-owie-owie-owie

Lupron and just a dash of Estrogen = good times. My head is slammin' and I don't mean slammin' in the Rob and Amber kinda way... More like my head being slammed in the door kinda way.

8 more sleeps.

When I was little my dad was the chief engineer on the BC Ferries. He worked in the noisy engine room and when I visited he would give me ear muffs to wear. I can’t remember now if mum, Mike and I were actually going somewhere, or if I was alone and this was more of a “well we don’t have a sitter so take her on the boat” type thing. Anyhoo, my point is that dad would throw me a five and I’d head to the cafeteria...for the toast. I have never to this day had toast quite like it. It was white bread, I remember, and it was so perfectly toasted...and it always had just a little too much butter pooling on it which was fine by me and cut into triangles – which was different than I was used to and I’m sure made it taste better. Anyway, I wrote a poem – about the toast – I did – because it deserved its own poem.
I feel this way about wine I’m drinking tonight – its delicious and I feel like I need to write it a poem to acknowledge it. Or is it that I’m gearing up for a wine free 9 months and I’m already feeling nostalgic...a good and positive sign no?
Its our wedding anniversary today! Yep 2 years ago Chris and I were Maui'd – what a great day...and what a great wedding. It should be duly noted that Chris and I have had more than the average newlywed’s share of challenges, and are still going strong. Ok enough said because the rest is our business – but let it be known we had a very nice day.
Started the Estrace today and although I’m anticipating headaches and nausea I’m happy to be starting as it only means we are getting closer to the date. 2 weeks today and we’ll have those little babies transferred...I hope they stick...STICK DAMMIT STICK!! Is it too much to ask? Don’t punish them just because its fun to punish me?! Don’t drag the kids into this.

The Drugs...

So just for fun I thought it would be "neat" to find out how people feel on Estrace (which I am starting on Monday). Here are some encouraging quotes from a forum related to Frozen Embryo Transfers.

"I feel Like ****!!
I'm hot, feel sick to my stomach and not hungry ( I'll take that one )..."

"I have to say that I feel worse on Estrace than on stims."

"I've been on it for over 3 weeks now and the longer I am on it the more I hate it."

"I get nasty headaches from it."

"I initially had put I felt fine but today - CHANGED my mind! Wow i feel awful!"

So...yeah...that's something to look forward to. Hell I don't care - as long as it gets me a bub or 2! HEY! No one said this was gonna be easy! That's all for today.

I feel like such a health care professional! Now I know why Chris felt so empowered when he gave me an injections – a little TOO empowered at times…telling me to “shush!” when I asked for him to alter his injection technique just slightly. Seriously he was having none of it – it was almost comical. I mean the guy was good – a pro, I’ll give him that, but don’t you think the injectee (being me) is entitled to a little say in how it all goes down? Anyway, I kinda dig doing it myself! Its like something else I can do. Not only can I do a mean makeup application and process your paycheque, but I can also administer you a shot if you like. And I will even be nice about it – unlike those witches at the clinic. I should get lollipops for my patients.

The Lupron Headache has officially kicked in...big time. I'm wondering if when I start taking the Estrogen it will balance out. Either that or I will be a raging maniac of a woman. Run for your lives! I asked the gals on the site if they remembered any symptoms and they pretty much all had headaches. So now I have one…not at ALL psychosomatic. Seriously though when they mentioned headaches I thought I probably wasn’t taking enough to make a difference, but I think it just took a week or so to get into my system because its here...right on my forehead.

So I’d like you all to be prepared for the fact that getting pregnant may NOT be the end of this struggle. It will be a damn good thing and a step in the right direction as it will indicate that I am ABLE to get pregnant, but miscarriages for donor anything are quite high – or maybe it is the same as regular pregnancies, not sure, but I did some research and its like 30%. With my luck (SORRY MOTHER!)…well I won’t finish the sentence because she’ll give me the business.

Oh...just for fun...I had a visitor today at my desk at work. An obnoxious employee I have to fake smile at, at the best of times. She YELLED “why aren’t YOU off on mat leave – all the rest of your buddies are?” I said (stupid me), “well, we’re working on it.” What I should have said is that I HATE kids because I could care less what this person thinks…and do you know what she said? Say it with me everyone…“YOU JUST NEED TO RELAX.”

Seriously people… For someone in my position it's quite possibly the most infuriating thing to hear!

La-la-la...14 more sleeps!

11:11 - Make a Wish!

This only works for the chosen ones, but this one feels guilty turning her nose up at the opportunity simply because it’s never worked…so I’m making a wish…for the 1,196th time.

Feeling much better today thank you very much. Friday was, well, bit of a disaster but onward and upward. Back to work today which isn’t such a bad thing really…lots of emails but no disasters…can’t complain.

Doing the Lupron injections myself. I know I know…but when I read the “must be done in the AM” note on the sheet my palms went sweaty and my heart started to race. Chris and I coordinate injections in the morning? I would rather pluck out each eyeball, batter and deep-fry them, and have them for lunch. Last IVF Chris and I giggled about the fact that I simply could NOT will myself to do my own injection…hands trembling, etc., but see, there’s a reason Chris and I stagger our mornings…a very good one… I had a vision of how that might “go down”, and lets just say I’m glad I got up the nerve.

Love the guy but he’s still possessed by the devil until about 9:30am and prickly vs Lupron injections do not a good mix make…you know?

I Don't Want to Be Here

Where to start… I am stressed out already. I’ve been back from Florida for a total of about 10 hours and already I’m feeling “the pressure”. The pressure to be good, the pressure to be thoughtful, the pressure to not let things slip through the cracks, the pressure not to disappoint, the pressure to get things done, the pressure to clean the house from top to bottom, the pressure to keep up with everything I need to keep up with, the pressure to keep my husband happy, the pressure to say the right things…

Life is too hard these days. Getting from A to B is difficult to do without aggravation. Why do people have to be so irritated and so disappointed all the time? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to one another? Go with the flow, let things slide, and not have to point out every single flaw? Be more forgiving and help each other out when they need it instead of being so selfish? Life is already such a struggle and then on top of it you have to deal with struggles within your own life/your own inner circle. Perhaps this is why people cut themselves off from the world – because they’ve just become so tired trying to be so … fucking perfect. Even when you try your hardest, or have the best intentions, someone somewhere is going to be irritated/pissed off/annoyed/disappointed.

So I guess I’m having one of those days…where here I am back in Toronto and thinking about how hectic it all is and wondering if I have the strength to do it…

Started the injections and I feel nauseated from the BCP’s…maybe that is why I am so upset today. Seems all this pre-crap never quite gets us anywhere. Maybe I’m depressed because I recognize that we’ve been down this path before and it leads to nothing but disappointment. I know this time that all the variables have changed, but still I can’t help but be terrified at the same time. Can I handle another BFN? I just don’t know…

The world seems stacked against, and well, having babies isn’t easy. Oh, haha that’s funny because how the hell would I know? You see? I can’t win. I guess when you can get pregnant easily you don’t have much time to ponder such things…you just go with the flow and I’m sure there’s worry there too, but when you have this much time, and this much disappointment, I guess its hard not to think that this too will be just as hard. I just wonder when things will become easier, lighter, less crowded and hectic…more calm. I just want to go to a log cabin in the mountains and sit there…and stare and let my brain go to mush.

Moving on now – got that off my chest and all I can do is hope tomorrow feels better.

Something's Gotta Give...

So last night I had the fright of my life. Chris calls me from upstairs to ask me if I'm burning food again...haha. (I don't really burn food - I think it happened once). Anyway, I said no, but then I stood up and all I could smell was smoke - like INTENSE smoke...like a house on fire kinda smoke...so I walk up the stairs to the kitchen and its overwhelming - like completely and utterly overwhelming and...I go into complete panic mode. I scream "OMG Chris - something's on fire!" He comes running down - he's checking the stove, the oven, he's running to the back of the house, down to the basement, back up - can't find anything but its getting stronger and stronger and so I think OMG its next door (we live in a semi-detached) so I open the back door and look to C & E's back window, but all I can see is orange lighting - and the blinds drawn but the orange is making me nervous...so I call them on the phone, but they aren't answering and the smell is getting more and more intense and as I walk back into the house from outside I realize it really is smoky. I run through the house and out the front to see if I can see what's happening over at C&E's through the front, and I ring the doorbell...nothing. I run back into our house, and think this is it...our lives are about to be ruined. There's FIRE IN THE WALLS somewhere and we can't find it and its about to bust through, and we're all going to lose everything. Our house, or belongings, our future...ruined. Then C&E are coming through the front door wondering what all the panic is - their house is fine - nothing going on - but they can smell it too - intense smoke...coming from somewhere...I am on the verge of a breakdown as the smell gets stronger and stronger I think to myself why is this happening? Why now? We'll be in the paper tomorrow...house fire - everything gone - lives ruined.

So continuing to try to find the source, and everyone's running around, Chris stabs the microwave oven button to open the door, and smoke billows out. It was the microwave...and it was my fault. He slams the door and swings around ready to tear a strip off me, but I think at that moment he realized just how totally shattered I was so he put his arm around me and said, "its ok babe...calm down...everything's fine." Poor E tried to have a conversation about the movie we had leant them, "American Gangster" but I felt like I had survived a plane crash. I wasn't ready for a "chit chat".

I had been heating a bean bag...the ones you throw around your neck for warmth or to ease muscle strain, and I must have mistakenly set the timer to 40:00 instead of 4:00...and walked away. The bag was on fire...and maybe had been for a while...not sure... I guess I relied on the "beep" of the microwave to tell me when it would be ready...and just forgot all about it. All of last night I felt sick to my stomach. I am so relieved that everything turned out ok, but at the same time, I am angry that things got this out of control. My brain is in detail overload mode...and is starting to shut down. I guess the universe decided it was about time for a wakeup call.

By the way...the clinic just called - MY PAP IS NORMAL!!!!!!! Thank god I can finally move on from that stressor. They will soon be delivered a gorgeous bouquet of fresh flowers...with a very special thank you.

So here's the issue: If they were unable to get me the pap results on Thursday, and then skirted the issue on Friday when I called, then I am of the opinion that the results are not being rushed for me. I don't quite know what to do at this point. I'm stuck between taking it day by day and going forward in the hopes that we will get the results soon, and having to reschedule everything. We leave for Florida on Saturday and I've to start the injections while I'm there...and the anti-biotics. Now if I start the drugs, and the test comes back abnormal, then I may have to wait a few months while my body settles down.

Oh you know what? I just figured it out - it just sortof came to me. Lets keep it simple. If its normal - we're a go. If its abnormal, then we would have had to stop everything anyway! I don't need my actual results, just a "normal/abnormal" verbal ...which I think they can get to me sooner. They actually said at the appointment, "if there's a problem the doctor will call within 2 weeks" ...so I guess at some point we can safely assume everything is ok.

THAT'S IT!

I'M GOING FOR IT BABY!!

Why the hell did it take me so long to come to that conclusion? I'LL TELL YOU WHY...because my house was a disaster. It affects me more than I like to admit. Yesterday I cleaned the house from top to bottom, while Chris finished the bathroom. Our bedroom was littered with levels and screws and hardware and tape measures and paint brushes and paint cans and tape and screwdrivers and toothbrushes and sandpaper and polyfiller...and now its gone, all gone. Aaaaah...house vacuumed and mopped...things put back in their spot...laundry done. I'm sure its the reason for my clarity. Valuable lesson of the day: Feeling out of control? Organize your house.

One MILLION Dollars...

Ok…so things are REALLY coming together…but everything hinges on one thing…the pap results. Without these results I shouldn’t start the injections, and without the results I really shouldn't book flights/hotels…because if the results come back abnormal (which, btw, has never happened) then I have to stop everything while we figure it out. Turns out the results take UP TO 6 WEEKS? Um, how does that work out since I’m supposed to be getting the transfer in less than 4? Math doesn’t work.

So…being ME, I decide there has to be a way. Wait shmait I’m going in for the kill…so I get the doctor’s office on the line. No, they cannot do anything for me. Beg beg, plead plead…nope…sorry. So I told her that I would pay her ONE MILLION DOLLARS if she could get me the results…please I am in such a bind here, could you please please see what you can do?? Longest silence ever, followed by a very snarky “call me in one hour!” click. (btw, I am not the slightest bit bothered by snarky at this point, however, I am a little concerned about my financial promise.)

So I call her back and she tells me that they are 6 weeks behind, BUT that she did explain the sitch to the lab coordinator…they have “put my swabs on a slide” (sorry for the visual) and she hopes to call me back today before 4. Its 3:30…

But then there’s that little rule called Murphy. Please be a normal pap…please please please… How much begging does a girl need to do?

Stay tuned…


Update: No call.

Rock on...

The Official Kickoff

Today as I was pulling on my woolly boots, whistling away, excited for the day, I was thinking about how I’ve officially started this new chapter - this exciting new chapter that might lead to the one thing I’ve been fighting for for the past 3 years. I have started the drug protocol, the rest is up to fate! Or science – however you wanna look at it. I stepped outside and took a deep breath of fresh morning air…and then choked on it. HOLY CRAP – minus 30??? It was so cold that when I breathed in, I could feel my nose hairs freezing…it’s a miracle that at some point along my walk to the streetcar I didn’t end up on my back with a tailbone injury. What is this place we live in? It’s uninhabitable for God’s sake!

So to recap…its damn cold here in Toronto, AND…we’ve officially started our donated embryo cycle!!! Hip hip!!

You hear only what you want to hear...

I trusted Lifequest...I thought they were the best. But I admit it now...we've been duped.

Or at least that's how it feels to have sunk our money into a clinic that could care less about us. Every time I have to call and speak to Sharon, the office manager, or "Witch" I wish I could call her, I get really nervous, like break-out-in-hives nervous. She is such a piece of work - her tone SUCKS...I always politely announce myself and she says nothing...I then ask her how she is..."ok" - expressionless. Never asks me how I am...the PAYING CUSTOMER. Makes me INSANE. They're all like that there.

The day I had my egg retrieval and Chris his sperm aspiration, we arrived at the clinic. We were herded around with no explanation...just expected to know what we were doing. We were beyond nervous - these procedures are not the slightest bit fun, especially for Chris, and for me I was already in a tremendous amount of pain due to the stimulation drugs. They gave us robes and a key. I came out and said "excuse me - what is this key for?" I can't remember what she said, but I remember the tone in her voice, and how she made me feel stupid. Chris went OFF! I mean, here we are half naked, vulnerable, nervous and being made to feel stupid?!?! I can't remember exactly what Chris said, but I remember being really glad he was there. Lets just say there were a lot of embarrassed faces...followed by some major butt kissing.

Dr. Sohn, our S.F. doctor called me at work today - he had actually called my cell, left a message, called me at home, left a message, and finally got me at work. He didn't get his secretary to get me on the line and wait for him (like Cadesky did) - he called me himself. He said he wanted to discuss two things: one, the donor consent issue; and two, the results of my latest SHG from Lifequest.

First - I am now confident the donor issue is ok...that we don't require the original egg donor's consent. Dr. Sohn said he escalated it to the UCSF University legal department and they did their due diligence. They are of the opinion that the embryos are the property of Leslie and Rob and that because the egg donor was completely anonymous (even to Rob and Leslie) she will never know the embryos went elsewhere. He said he completely understands my concerns, but he does not think it will become an issue.

Which brings us to my latest rant about Lifequest. This HSG test was done late December by Lifequest. I recall the doctor (standing in for Cadesky) saying "perfect! as expected!" I was proud of my girly bits for being cooperative for once. So Dr. Sohn says "I trust the doctor in Toronto went over your latest SHG results?" I said "well, no, but the doctor who did the procedure said "perfect!" and that was the end of it." He said "well, we should discuss the results then, because there WAS an abnormality." God! He probably thinks my doctor is an imbecile! I'M starting to think my doctor is an imbecile. He said that the test showed an abnormality in the uterus... I quickly knew he was referring to the septum I had removed a couple of years ago...I guess it has grown back (creepy). He said it wasn't a problem - he just wanted me to be aware of the issue...and that the results showed an abnormality. DR. SOHN WANTED ME TO KNOW...not Dr. Cadesky.

SHMUCK! Seriously where do they get off sending me away with abnormal tests results and not even letting me know??????

I'm glad to be done with Lifequest for good. I want to go and spread the word now...now that I have every test result and know I won't be going back. If Chris and I attempt another IVF it will be at a different clinic.

Maybe I'll crank call Sharon tomorrow...or send her poop in a box.

Brain Negotiates...

Ring ring

Aunt Flow: Hello?
Brain: Yes, hello? Hi, I'm looking for Aunt Flow?
Aunt Flow: (hesitates) Who wants to know?
Brain: Um...its Brain... Listen, I know this is awkward..."
Aunt Flow : Do you?
Brain: Yes, I understand there's been a few, ummm, incidents, but its been a rough few months, you have to understand.
Aunt Flow: You don't need to tell me what I should understand.
Brain: I know, I know...I'm sorry...its just that we kindof need you for the "project"...so if you wouldn't mind staying on track, we'd REALLY appreciate it.
Aunt Flow: No, I'm done.
Brain: (silence) Pardon?
Aunt Flow: I said I'm done - did I stutter?
Brain: No. (sigh) But what do you mean by "done".?
Aunt Flow: I mean done. As in DONE done.
Brain: Listen, could you PLEASE just come on time this month. I understand you've been ill treated, but again, you have to understand..."
Aunt Flow: Understand? I understand that every time I've come out for the past, like, 80 months, I've been treated like shit...yelled at, sworn at...sometimes there's fucking crying! CRYING for God's sake! I'm done.
Brain: Sigh. Come when you can then.
Aunt Flow: Not if I can help it.

Click.

The "Little Problem/Big Problem" Theory

Why do the things our parents tell us get LODGED in our heads forever, never to be forgotten? Dad has a theory - "Little problem/big problem." Last night I stared at the ceiling thinking about the original egg donor and how we "do not require consent" from her. At first they said we did, that even though Leslie and Rob were the true owners of the embryos, we would need to get the original donor/clinic to sign off. At the time this seemed like a total pain in the ass, but part of me was relieved to know that this would be dealt with - that doing this would ensure nothing would come back to haunt us. Asses covered. When they told me that they DIDN'T, in fact, require her to sign off, I was like "ok great!", but now I'm hesitating...I don't like it...don't like it one bit.

Little problem/big problem...see how this applies? I have just left another seemingly psycho message on poor Judi's voice mail about somehow writing the clinic and their client into a contract...you know? Or at least tell me why they now think that the donor consent isn't necessary - how did they come to this decision? ...because the "big problem" is something I don't ever want to deal with.

Little problem/big problem...words to live by.

Frozen in Time...

Is literally what our soon-to-be embies are...but only for a moment. It still baffles the mind and makes my throat tight when I think about the potential...of these scientific little embryos becoming life - real people with real personalities. I'm so excited.

Judi wrote me up a tentative schedule yesterday. She's the coordinator at the San Francisco lab where we'll be transferring 2 embryos. I had originally thought the drugs for an FET (frozen embryo transfer) took longer - much longer, and I was afraid my plan to be in San Francisco around mid-March would be set back a month or two, but as it turns out the timeline for an FET is very similar to that of a "fresh" cycle. Looks like transfer day will be March 24. I REALLY like that date I'm not exactly certain why...I'm sure its someone's birthday - someone I really like...or is it the first day of spring or something? I dunno but it has a nice ring to it.

Here's the schedge...please note there is no EGG RETRIEVAL date...for this I am forever grateful. If you have no idea what I'm talking about...trust me you don't want to know.

Day 2 of cycle - start BCP's (approx Feb 8)
Feb 27 - start Lupron - continue BCP's until Mar 2
Mar 2 - stop BCP's and wait for period
Mar 10 - start estrogen
Mar 19 - leave for S.F.!!
Mar 20 - u/s
Mar 24 - TRANSFER - SHUT UP!!
Mar 26 - return home

I can't WAIT for injections...see how demented I've become?

So you're probably wondering how this embryo adoption idea came to be... Well, lets go way back to when we started TTC (for all you newbies, that's "trying to conceive"). I started to wonder if I was having early pregnancy symptoms, "EPS", or commonly referred to in the biz as "IPS", "imaginary pregnancy symptoms", so I started searching the WWW in hopes of finding some glimmer of hope. It wasn't long before I was a regular of a site called Babysnark. I paid my $15 smacks and off I went - I could post questions, get feedback and support, as well as contribute to other posts/questions. This was for me. I had found my place! Until the moderator deleted an "inappropriate post" about a technique I described that increased the chances of becoming pregnant. Uuuuuuh...ok. That kinda pissed me off, and made me feel all porny, but whatever - I am not one to make waves. That same day a user emailed me privately to tell me that I had done nothing wrong and that the administrator was a little too... involved. I quickly discovered the Admin was a Scientologist, and that you would be struck from the records and booted out of camp for saying one negative thing about their God Tom. If you recall Mr. Cruise had gone a little nutty when he discovered his beloved Katie and it was all the talk...but not on Babysnark...nope. Don't "go there".

We started to get cranky with JoJo's rules and regulations, which basically robbed us of our right to an opinion, and started posting inappropriate messages in an attempt to rile her up. I know I know - real mature but it was so much fun! Well one by one we all got kicked off, but there was a sense of accomplishment that went along with it...like when you finally got that "access denied" screen, you thought well I'm out, but at least I went down in a blaze of glory. I told her exactly what I thought of her and her site, and we sparred for a while until she finally got fed up and barred me. This was aaaaaall ok though...because we had found "The Peach". The Peach was started by a couple of girls who wanted a similar TTC/Pregnancy forum where we could speak freely (and respectfully) on any number of issues...and we've been there ever since...I think I am going on 2 years now...

I'll tell you those days were exciting. Now it is a bit more calm cool and collected, and rarely is there any drama...although I wish for a bit from time to time...as IF (infertility) boredom gets the better of me...while life goes on for everyone else. I think I am one of a dying breed...everyone eventually gets pregnant.

So on any given day, approx. 50 women report in, share their experiences, stories of their fertility treatments, their successes, their failures, ask questions, and gossip about celebs. "Why does Britney have an English Accent?" Who knows but its funny! It didn't take long for us to be really tight. Peaches throughout the US and Canada meet as well...so there is a sense of it being a very legitimate place. There is no one on the site I have ever questioned as being 100% on the up and up...we are all there because we need the same thing. Support.

So making a short story long here, a poster named "Snit" and I had a very good cyber relationship, and she went through years of IF and eventually used donor eggs/husband's sperm to create their two little miracles. She was 45 when she got pregnant, and is loving every minute of it. It hasn't been easy for her and her husband, Rob. Sean and Nick were born very premature, and have had a bit of an uphill struggle since...but they are working it out, and are the most adorable little boys.

When Snit found out my 3rd IVF had failed, and that the follow up with the doc revealed possibly looking into donor eggs, the first words out of her mouth were "we'd happily donate our remaining embryos to you." I remember staring at the words with my heart pounding and my head racing. I didn't know if she was joking, something made me think she wasn't...and something about it seemed...right! I PM'd (personal messaged) Leslie immediately, who told me that it was actually her husband's idea and that she was 100% on board as well. She told me that they would support us in any way we needed, but they wanted us to have the embryos. I cried my eyes out that night - I could not believe the gift that had been offered to me... I then knew that being part of The Peach, was a very necessary part of this process...without the Peach, I wouldn't be on this path.