Moaning Lisa

Wake up and wonder what aches and pains today will bring.
Reach over to turn off alarm that Chris sleeps through daily and realize my shoulder is still frozen.
Wince with pain.
Get up slowly, no more wrenching myself up to the sitting position – recipe for disaster.
Roll to one side, use right arm to prop self up, keeping neck straight, slowly lower legs. Ok, nothing “pinched”. So far so good. Moving on…
Head to the washroom.
Recall sciatic pain down right leg…remember that limping is easier - limp to the washroom.
Look in mirror. Stare with utter disbelief.
?
?
?
Wonder how on earth face could look so puffy. Recall enjoying large bag of Miss Vicki’s chips the night prior.
Notice grey taking over brown. Wonder if growing out grey would look chic or shitty.
Pee while petting 2 cats.
Worry that new cat (who we have very recently adopted and haven’t gotten a litter for yet because we’re lazy…fingers crossed) will hear sounds of flowing water which will then trigger uncontrollable urge to pee himself. (Does this happen to you?)
Figure he must be bursting by now and tell new cat to hang on kitty, just hang on.
Forget and walk past bursting new cat and head for scales in office. As suspected gain yet another pound. Fat or water retention? Who the hell knows.
Brace self at top of stairs while old and new cat do figure 8’s around feet. With only one eye open, try to navigate my way down without a) killing a cat or b) breaking neck. It’s a miracle I make to the main floor in one piece. Make note to clean walls of hand prints.
Let new cat out for the day, feed old cat her kibble.
Strain neck lowering water dish to the floor.
Take fertility pills (this is where you slap your knee and laugh…good one).
Wonder secretly if fertility vitamins the undiscovered "fountain of youth."
Take a 2nd look at grey hair in toaster.
Eat cereal.
Check email (with one hand over eye for clearer vision).
Sneeze. Pull lower back muscle.
Return to upstairs to begin anti puffiness process…

Make mental note to search internet at work for new miracle potion.

Sigh.