Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Sprrrrring has Sprrrrrrung!

So…I’ve been taking a bit of a break…if you haven’t already noticed…just to clear the headspace. I also got quite sick with the flu and have spent the last 3 days moaning on the couch. I am on the mend though.

Spring is here in a big bad way – 18 degrees today! Toronto is like a new place…not like the City of Hell it has seemed like for the past 6 months…one can actually go outside and enjoy a bit of sunshine…imagine. Torontonians are like no other species when it comes to spring and the events that follow… People are friendlier – flip flops are worn – patios prematurely set up. There is drinking and laughter…sunscreen, etc. If anyone has earned the right to be over the top on the first sight of spring…it’s us.

Its good timing actually. If this 4th failed IVF had happened, say, November, I think I wouldn’t have felt so…level headed about things.

Speaking of level headed…and I am very level headed (most of the time)…I have been doing a lot of soul searching…what is it recently that makes this process tolerable? I recall a time when I would be completely and utterly gutted to get this latest news, and an “announcement” would put me over the edge…so why now do I feel so ok with things? And then it dawned on me. Sweep #2 is going to happen once the girls are all back at work… I have been living in a constant state of “out of sight out of mind”. All of the girls are out of sight and to be honest its kindof saved me a little. I am now, for the most part, surrounded by men and older women…and there are NO surprises. When the girls get back and start announcing #2 my world will likely be turned upside down again…

But for now I’m ok.

I was thinking about how some women, in my situation, would have lost it by now - completely gone over the edge. I can think of one, in particular, who would NEVER have made it to this stage without needing a straight jacket - and she was much much younger than me and ended up getting pregnant fairly easily! She would have been the one you’d see on the 6 o’clock news on a hospital surveillance video…”this woman, last seen at Toronto General, took the baby at approximately 10:00pm…she was dressed in pink hospital scrubs and is believed to be ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT CRAZY.” Ok…so a little harsh, but I’m just sayin’ – some women go completely nutty when they can’t conceive. And being that we are not living in poverty, we have options…I can’t imagine what its like for women who can’t afford even IUI on a monthly basis. Or a sperm wash or whatever. DAMN CANADA NEEDS TO GET A FRIGGIN GRIP ON FERTILITY ISSUES. Did you know that France pays for FOUR IVF’s!! FOUR. I’d be a lot richer right now if I lived there.

So…the plan is this. Take a little breather…enjoy life as it should be enjoyed…day to day, not consumed by anything…and in about (or exactly lol) 3 weeks time, call the adoption facilitator for a consult.

Just want to say thank you so much to everyone who posted such lovely comments on the blog. It was really helpful to get so much love and support after such a let down…it made me stay strong knowing that I was supported by so many people, and that in some cases, maybe I’ve helped a little by telling the story. So thanks for reading, thanks for supporting and thanks for leaving comments – it means more than you know.

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