Wednesday, May 14, 2008

OMG how rude am I? I just leave you all hangin?? Without a word?? My apologies…I thought about writing every day but I just wasn’t into it…you know? Or “ready” or what have you – just un-inspired, perhaps bummed out…not ready to get to that next step…

But here we are.

Adoption. Well we’ve had one “consult” appt, and one “home study” appt. The home study, we found out today, will take under 3 months which surprises me actually because some Canadian “informational” sites say 3-6 months (but count on more like 6 months) or 3-12 months. So to hear Blugerman say that it will definitely wrap up in 3 months was encouraging.

The “consult”, I believe, was to ensure Blugerman wouldn’t be wasting his time. It was strictly a meet and greet, and from there we determined that the adoption process was what we wanted to pursue, regardless of the fact that it was not, by any stretch of the imagination, an easy road. Quite the opposite.

Blugerman, a nice guy by all means, was not a warm and squishy guy…he was very matter of fact and I’m certain after the initial consult I had a mini-breakdown. Now I am not the breakdown type, because I’m freakin’ strong willed (I’m realizing) but that day I cried for probably, oh, 7 hours…min. I think all of the IF feelings I’ve ever had over the past 3 years came flooding in...with a vengeance. I bawled…I screamed…I was NOT happy. But I think that’s when it came out. I think you have to manage your feelings and not analyze them too much…I am going to have shitty days – I am dealing with something very profound and I am not going to apologize anymore for it. I am hurt.

So moving on…we had our first home study session today and it was fine. We had all of our initial paperwork filled out and signed, and he gave us more info/questionnaires/RCMP police check stuff to do/fill out. So we have much more to do…but it seems manageable right now. I am feeling like we are making headway on this project and maybe, just maybe, when we are finished in 3 months, we will be given an opportunity we never thought possible…just maybe!

I asked Blugerman what next week’s session would be about – just curious type thing and he said “ooooh, there’s lots to ask you – about your family, your childhood, etc." I was hoping that he would get that over and done with in that first session, since we completed those questionnaires, but apparently not. I hate that sort of thing, I’m not sure why but I guess I don’t want to screw up and give off the impression I wasn’t a totally and completely happy kid. I think they say things like “explain a time when you and your father bonded.” Well there were a billion times…and they flood my head when I think about it… I asked someone else this question tonight and she said “I cannot think of a single time.” Its hard to remember that far back. That would be 30 years now! He was a damn good dad…she was a damn good mom. Not perfect by any stretch but as good as you can bloody get! Maybe I am more frustrated with the question…like if I got pregnant naturally, maybe you could just take your questions and shove them right up your arse!!! (No offense Blugerman, I’m sure you understand).

Home Study session 2 next Wed and we are one step closer. I hope that our luck turns soon…I really do. We deserve it.

I’ll try to keep up from now on – thanks for your patience (Lisa!!!)



MamaLisa said...

Blugerman ... seriously, that's the guy's name?!?!

Reminds me of "BUELLER ... BUELLER ... BUELLER"

Glad to see you're back! You really could write a book about your journey, you write so articulately. Thinkin' of you lots.

Come on Wednesday!

mamajenn said...

I SO hope you will continue to write about this new journey. I want to hear about every single step!
I think about you more often than you know...