You know, you try to come to terms with certain things - why things come easily to some, the behavior of others in relation to what you're going through, etc. etc., and sometimes you just feel lost - like no one sees or understands what you are going through because they're just getting on with their lives...and you can't blame them, THEY don't live with infertility EVERY SINGLE DAY. And then you talk to others in your exact situation and they make it make sense...you know? I was feeling like people were forgetting what I was going through, and that this situation I find myself in has become normal and that I'm just fine because I'm not bursting into tears every time I see a baby. But I don't want people to forget, because then it seems like they've given up on me too. I need people to stay on top of me...to ask me...to talk to me about it...but in a way that is kind, and considerate of what I've experienced...in other words, don't pretend to know what I'm going through. You have NO idea. Just listen and be supportive and don't talk out your ass. There are few people who know what I'm going through and one of them is B from the Peach. She and her husband have been struggling with infertility for 4 years, although her story is much more painful IMO for reasons I won't discuss here as its HER story... She's a wonderfully caring person and has such an amazing talent for exploring and breaking down the emotions related to infertility. I vented about the stupid things people say and she responded...
"...with short-term health crises, the problem happens, you talk to other people about it, they give you support, then the problem is resolved and people move on. Because the affected person is talking about the problem, people are on best behavior (or at least they try to be). People try to say the right things, they ask about it, they listen, they expect you to talk about it.
But with long term infertility, this dynamic gets messed up. I know from my own experience, I got to a point where I didn't want to talk about it much, because I started to feel like people would see me as a "Debbie Downer" all the time. I worried that people would be tired of hearing about it. Heck, I get tired of talking about it. So you stop talking about it, which gives others the impression that maybe you're doing A-OK or that it's not an issue anymore, and so maybe they start to talk off the cuff more in ways that can be hurtful."
Bingo.
There was more to the post, but I thought this part was worth posting here, because it is so well said. Thanks again B!
2 days ago
2 comments:
Lisa,
I got teared up when I read this post. I may be too young to know exactly what you're going through, but I completely understood everything you said. I feel the same sometimes, when you feel as if you talk about your problems to people too much, and than you stop, and they think your fine, but your not. It is normal for people to get annoyed after awhile, but once they have a bit to rethink everything, they will come back and be ready to talk again, because if they love you just as much as I do, they will support you no matter what. It is too early to think about kids, but I adore them, I too sometimes catch myself getting teared up when I see kids, and I work in a children environment, and I absolutely love it. Remember, There are people out there who really do want you to be happy and want what's best for you. When your at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
Oh you make me cry. I have such great hopes for you...you're going to have a good life...this I know.
xoxoxo
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