As I write a baby shower card, "enjoy your LAST Christmas before the chaos!" I wonder to myself, could this be MY last Christmas before the chaos? It's strange at this point to project forward to actually picturing a baby in our lives. Is it still possible? Seems IMpossible. Yet here we go, once again. I've always pictured myself with a baby, hell a family, but the stars never seemed to align and year after year, it was just me and Chris, Chris and me. I wonder why I continue to fight this fight. Is it because I'm competitive by nature? Is it because I won't take no for an answer? Is it because I rightfully WANT a family? Is it because I want to prove the universe wrong? Or do I just want a pipsqueak to call my own? I don't really know the answer anymore...all I know is that I want a freakin' pipsqueak.

Beyond words... and so much so I have exhausted all but one option. And so this is it my friends... the last hurrah, if I may be dramatic.

Does anyone read this blog anymore? Well if you do, please send your thoughts in whatever way you wish, for 2011 to be the year that we have a baby to call our own. Please write to this post... send me a little encouragement...I need it.

Happy Holidays to my wonderful family and all of my supportive friends!

Ok don't judge me - I can't help that I'm a sucker for reality TV. Just the other day I was on the bus and thinking, man, I would really have enjoyed watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians" (I never really knew what channel it was on)...and for a brief moment thought this might be a great Christmas gift idea, if it wasn't the most embarrassing thing to have to ask for.

You all know me - I grew up a tomboy, but I do like all things glammy, even if I can't afford any of it. Being a voyeur to 3 fabulous Armenians with endless access to money, clothes, makeup and accessories, I couldn't help but get a giddy up in my step when they announced there would be a "E Hollywood weekend marathon".

And me, with nothing to do but lie around and eat Doritos.

It's ridiculous dialog - you know, nothing of much consequence, but Bruce Jenner, my new favorite Olympic dad, just spent an episode freaking out about his youngest daughter, who is 12 and wearing enough kohl to embarrass Cleopatra... but he said this and I thought about my own poor dad, who I grew up thinking was the BOMB, only to eventually rebel against his STRICT AND CONTROLLING ways.

I'm not apologizing for my disgusting behavior, simply showing that ALL girls go through this...and that it was nothing personal.

Bruce said,

"I think the toughest thing for any dad is to watch their little girl grow up.. You know, when they start off they just love their dad, they wanna hang with dad, and then all of a sudden the hormones hit, and you become the enemy...and you know, it's tough on a dad."

Pretty much sums it up!

The Mighty Nickole

Well here we go - barring some unforeseen catastrophe, Nickole's our girl! Wish we could just get on with it, but a little thing we call Xmas gets in the way...so it looks like it will be a late January transfer. Seems so far away, but I know it will be here before we know it.

I've met Nickole twice now and I can't tell you how happy I am that things with Amber fell through. It was just so easy and comfortable, right off the bat, and our phone conversations seem endless, like we could talk for hours. She's as cute as a button, all 5'1&3/4", 108 lb's of her...but don't be fooled by her stature, I get the impression she's small but mighty...kindof like me...Mighty Mouse.

Nothing we've thrown at her yet has phased her...and I think her personality is perfect for this monumental a task. She seems impossible to annoy, and gets a kick out of just about everything. Her first visit to the clinic involved endless paperwork and a vaginal ultrasound. I assumed she would just go in herself, assumed she would need or want privacy, but nope...she wanted me in there which was GREAT - I really want to be a part of everything, and she is completely on board with that. The second visit involved a bit more of an invasive exam, which included inserting a catheter up and over her cervix (not the most comfortable thing in the world) into her uterus with a little balloon on the end so they could see on the monitor what her uterus looked like... perfect so far - nothing inhospitable about it. She joked her way through it, and didn't complain once. With her legs spread wide in stirrups, she asked that the doctor warn her before doing anything that might hurt, and said something along the lines of, you'd better, or you might find me sitting in your lap. Just the visual of that was enough to make me laugh out loud. Even the doc, who was very different with me and who often seemed to have little to no patience, was amused by her constant sarcasm and quips. You can't not love this girl - she's unique to say the least....and entertaining.

Chris and I went for our counseling session with the psychologist, and although she was great, I left there feeling very overwhelmed. Until this point, I've been thinking a pregnancy is the end goal...and well right now it is - just to get to that point would be a miracle, but of course the psychologist is there to virtually walk us through the entire process. I hadn't thought about birth plans and midwives...and was completely wrong about thinking I had to "adopt" the baby from Nickole, as she is the birth mother, and legally I thought the birth mother was the official mother until adoption, but that's not the case. We are to get a "Declaration of Parentage" through the courts. Apparently this involves our lawyer going before a judge with DNA from all of us, and paperwork that proves our intention to be the parents, and this is how we are granted rights to the baby. Chris is obviously the genetic father, but I am not genetically connected... but I think this would have to occur even if it was my own genetics...this is just the process. Something I hadn't heard about before, so I was a bit caught off guard. But this will be the way of the next 10 months - I'm sure there's going to be a lot that will catch me off guard having never done this before. I'm going to have to stay calm and roll with it all.

So things are looking really good. The only thing we have to finalize now is the legal agreement, and I have a first draft that Chris and I have to review and send back to the lawyer, which I hope to do this weekend.

Chris and I will meet Nickole and her family on December 12th for a little get together at a childrens indoor playground...that way the kids can run around while we have a good chat. I'm really looking forward to meeting all of them!

A Bad Day, and I'm CRANKY

You'd think with all the psych evaluations Chris and I have had to do and the 5-month long invasive $5,000 adoption home study, complete with police reports, we'd be cleared to adopt little baby aliens should their leaders decide to land themselves on earth. But now with surrogacy, we find ourselves needing to do yet ANOTHER psych evaluation. I am beyond FURIOUS. It's a cash grab at this point, to the tune of 800 dollars! That's for N and for us. Both of us...$400 each. Please.

FU-RI-OUS.

So let me get this straight...in addition to the thousands of dollars we have had to fork over for fertility treatments, to no avail I might add, we now have to prove ONCE GAIN, that we are fit to parent, when teenagers with no income and no sense and no experience can get pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat?? I'm not SAYING that teenagers should have licenses to have babies, I'm simply asking, why do WE have to?? Chris and I are decent human beings, others can attest to this. We have good jobs, live in a nice house fit for a family...Why do we have to be evaluated??! Seriously pisses me off people!

I'm tired.

One door SLAMS, another flings open...

I feel like I'm repeating myself. I'm almost certain I've posted a similar title, but it seems to be the way of my life. Last week I sent Amber a chilly "take care" with nothing to it. I didn't want to email back my disappointment or anger, and give her an easy out, or have her continue the conversation. I think my lack of response was good. I'm sure she could care less anyway, now that she's got something else to move onto.

So I emailed Pagent that we needed to begin another search, and she said she had already been looking "just in case". Maybe she had a sense about Amber that I just couldn't see, but was too professional or polite to mention. I mean what could she say at the time?,"I don't think this is going to work out so I'll keep looking."

I didn't expect things to happen so quickly, but she said in her email back to me that she was interviewing a woman from Mississauga that evening on the phone. She gave me a brief description, and I waited for her follow up. She said that N (should I be using people's names??? I don't know...)was definitely interested and that she would be expecting an email from me. Now not more than a week later, this is fairly wrapped up. I spoke to N yesterday, and had a great chat with her - she's really easy to talk to, funny way about her, nice voice, completely open to talking about anything. She seems the perfect match so far. She has 3 children, and has been married to her husband for 10 years. She turns 31 in a few weeks. Her husband has had a vasectomy, which was music to my ears.

N wants to get moving as quickly as possible, which is a-ok by me. She's returned the intake form to Pagent, who will take it to Dr. A's office for preliminary approval. Then I would imagine she'll have some tests and ultrasounds to ensure she's a good candidate. We've agreed to a flat rate, and of course there are other potential expenses - should she be pregnant with twins, if she needs to stop working as a result of the pregnancy, etc. I'm confident we'll come up with something that feels comfortable for everyone.

I'm cautiously excited... and fairly confident (assuming Dr. A will approve her) that things will at least get to the transfer stage. Both N and I are pushing for a December transfer, but for all I know the timing around this could be impossible. Pagent was thinking January, and this might end up being the case and that's fine too.

Just another little step forward...

Twenty Five Year Olds

I'm sorry to all 25 year olds who think they are emotionally mature, and I'm sure there a few of you who TRULY might just be, but there are always one or two who ruin it for the rest. If you're 25 and reading this post, and have your back up...here are a few words for you. I DON'T CARE.

I tried to give A the benefit of the doubt, although in hind sight, when I spoke to her on the phone, she did not seem to speak like a 25 year old - much older in fact, and it didn't quite ring true. It reminded me of a young person trying to appear like a woman who had her shit together.

Why do I sound so angry at the 25 year olds of the world? Because not only did she shatter my dreams of a surrogacy arrangement going smoothly, but she double-whammied me with a pregnancy announcement. The girl went off the pill FOR ME, and proceeded to have sex without protection, even though I joked (not really) to "wear a condom!" the weekend she was getting together with her boyfriend. Ergo, 25 year olds simply cannot be trusted to take a matter so incredibly important, seriously.

The funny part about the newsy email I received from A, was one line in particular, "Please don't get discouraged by this... maybe this was a way for you to bring up your confidence that this is going to happen for you." Did she really just write that this experience should boost my confidence? lol

So there you have it. Yet another door slammed in my face.

FFS

...stay tuned.

I've Become Lame

Chris just read my post and said "good babe". I said, "I used to be funny." which he...found funny.

I'm trying to bring back the sense of humor to these posts, because it's way more the way I want to write. It's just hard sometimes to find the lighter side of things...especially when the posts are more about logistics. I need to get back into the thick of things. BLOODWENCH...now SHE made for some good material, and...well I can't deny I'm a little excited to get back to the clinic for some good ol' fashioned abuse. Maybe Dr. A will yell at me again!

Introducing the Project Team...The "Group of Seven"

For most people, having a baby takes two. In our case, it takes seven. Chris and I are the obvious first - the Project Managers of this team. The Coordinator, Pat, will help pull all the pieces of the together within the allotted time frame. Dr. Auyeung, the Engineer, will use a technique known as IVF to help us achieve our goal of success. S & A have been critical Team Players, dedicating their time and effort to the project with unquestioned determination. We also have Sponsors, who have been instrumental in allowing us to continue to achieve our goals and stay within budget.

This is how it feels right now. Like a project we are far from completing.

BUT, this is is how we continue to scramble our way out of what feels like a sinking ship. For me right now, this is a job - ensuring all the pieces of the puzzle are in place and that everyone is ready to get down to work.

.......................................................

Thanksgiving Monday

In just a few hours I'll be speaking with A. It will be our first phone chat and I hope that it goes smoothly. She has committed 100% to us, and has had her phone consult with Pat, the Agent. Pat relayed that she agrees - she is the ideal person to be a surrogate. A's never done this before, but she doesn't seem to have any fear or anxiety or anything about it at all...she just seems excited and wants to get on with it. When I (sheepishly) told her about progesterone suppositories, hoping I wasn't going to scare her off, she replied, "Lisa, nothing is going to scare me away." She is determined it would seem and again, I just can't believe my luck in finding good people. At least that's something!

Maybe I should become an agent. Who better to represent a company than someone who has gone what I've gone through? But let's not get ahead of ourselves, there are no guarantees here...just a little more hope.

What is it about Gospel Music?

Years ago, my roommate Brian and I visited Janice in San Francisco...she had moved there a couple of years earlier and had invited us down for a week to see the sights. On Sunday morning she said she had a surprise for us. She dragged us out of bed, across the city and to this unassuming building in the middle of downtown where with great satisfaction she announced, "we're going to CHURCH!" - the Glide Memorial Church, actually. None of us being particularly religious, I wondered what on earth she was up to...but then the choir sang, and IT WAS INCREDIBLE. I can't remember if I bawled on the outside, but I remember being completely choked up on the inside and truth be told, a little embarrassed by my reaction. After all, everyone else was clapping and swinging and singing and there I was a bubbling mass of emotion. There was just something about the collective energy, the amazing voices, the acoustics. I was so moved by it all... She knew I would be.

To this day, I can't listen to gospel without getting choked up... I love the stuff and I'm proud to admit it.

(And YES, I just watched Glee...and that's what reminded me of that story. So what.)

Close your Eyes and Jump

So as you know, I contacted an agent to help me search for a surrogate - that was about a month ago. She had some vacation planned, and we had some vacation planned...so she would touch base with us when she returned from her trip. She contacted me to tell me she had a potential surrogate, but that this surrogate couldn't start until next June. As you can imagine, this wasn't really what I wanted to hear. I asked her to continue her search, and I haven't heard anything since.

Before I contacted the agent, I joined a "surrogate mom's" online forum, mostly to see what the deal was...what people were talking about, what was out there in the way of surrogates, and information about compensation, if any. I immediately received a PM from a woman who lived in NS, but our criteria didn't align. She wished me well, and vice versa, and for a month I didn't hear a thing. With the agent actively searching on our behalf, I put my faith in her and didn't go back to the surrogates online forum.

Mere minutes after receiving the email from my agent about the woman who couldn't start in June, and feeling really quite discouraged about it all, I received an email from a woman on the online forum. She asked me if I was still interested in GS, and if so to read her information page. At first glance she seemed perfect, other than the fact that she didn't live in Toronto...BUT she isn't far either. Keep in mind this forum, and most of them, are across Canada and the US, and in some cases overseas...so to find someone who is just a short plane ride away, and within our province, is pretty good in the grand scheme of things. I contacted her right away and told her we were still looking, and she said to send her an email with our "story". Ugh...lol... I said in the email I would give her the "Coles Notes" version, but of course I am long winded and rambly, so it ended up a novel. It was worth it because it was cathartic, and anyway, I wanted her to know our story from the beginning. Actually considering all we've been through, it was fairly brief - even if it was a novel!

Within a day she emailed me back - and just like S, I got instantly excited that I may have found the right person. Her email was warm, empathetic, fun, energetic, excited, full of passion to want to do this for a couple who can't. I couldn't believe how much she was like me in her writing style, completely open, LONG AND RAMBLY, and putting it all out there. Since that first interaction, we have emailed back and forth enough for a small book, and I can't believe my luck in finding good people! Wish that luck would extend to other parts of my life, but we'll start with this.

She lives in Thunder Bay, Ontario, which is a small town on the north end of Lake Superior. A long drive north (about 17 hours), but a fairly quick and reasonable flight (about $300). She got pregnant with her first child at the age of 19, and shortly thereafter got married. During her marriage, she had a 2nd child, and has since been divorced. She and her ex have a good relationship and raise the kids together. She wants to be a nurse and is attending Lakehead University. She's 25. She loved being pregnant, and has always wanted to be a gestational surrogate for a couple like us...or a gay couple or a single woman...she was open to all arrangements, but needed it to "feel right". I think we feel AMAZING so far, about our connection and what we're about to do. She's excited, I'm excited (and a tad scared to death)... Chris...well he deals with things differently than I do, and certainly isn't against it, but he just needs a bit more time to get his head around it all. I'm the organizer, in constant search, and so fully immersed in it all... so to him it may feel quick, and I understand that. On the other hand, if we're doing this, we need to move quickly to secure our arrangement. Keep in mind that A is the PERFECT surrogate at glance, and that there are likely other couples vying for her...in fact I know this by looking on the site - there is a lot of interest.

There are still many things to discuss, some which may be deal-breakers, but it seems to be falling into place. It does have a ring of "too good to be true" about it, but I'm going to stay positive and hope everything will align.

Her one concrete stipulation is that both (or one) of us lives in Thunder Bay for the final month of the pregnancy. Actually, she wants "final trimester, or at least 6-8 weeks", but I hope we can agree to a month. I doubt both of us will be able to go, but I see Chris flying in the last week or so, to ensure he's there for the delivery. These things are non-negotiable, so if we want to go in this direction, we have to make this work.

It's not going to be easy, but I think it's going to be amazing.

Fingers crossed.

WTH you sick bastard?!

When this “meeting reminder” popped up on my screen, I think I was in shock for a second or two...staring, frozen, trying to make SENSE of it all? Who would do this kind of thing? How could someone be so cruel? But I soon realized that only a dummy like me could have done something so complete stupid and ...“optimistic”. As you’ve probably realized by now, I thought it would be “neat-o” to do a meeting notice for 10 years from that date, to see where we all stood, and how many kids we all had.

Another brilliant idea.

I’m actually laughing about it now. A few years ago this type of thing might have sent me to the bathroom to collect myself, but now I just think its freakin’ hilarious – I mean, this type of thing couldn’t happen to anyone but me!

So hat’s off to you sick karmic joker – you got me good!

When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens

It's been a long time my friends.

My apologies for not keeping up with the blog, but it IS a fertility related blog, and until now there has been little to report. As you all know, our last donor egg transfer didn't work...a complete and utter blow for both of us. Four perfectly good embryos from a 26 year old body, and not a glimmer of life. Since then I've been wondering WHAT IS THE POINT in continuing to transfer these quality embryos to me, if my body is just not up to the task? There IS no point...and my biggest fear was that I would potentially squander away the life of these 15 remaining embryos - my frozen little bubbies - on my busted up and pissed-off-at-the-world uterus. No. I won't do it.

My fears were only confirmed when we visited the doctor for our FU followup (for those who aren't familiar with the verbiage, yes, FU means what you think it does). He told us that my uterus was just not responding...that regardless of the textbook levels of estrogen in my body, my uterus wasn't budging...it wasn't thickening...and that there's really nothing to do at this point. Part of me was upset, of course, but a bigger part of me was relieved. I didn't really WANT the doctor to say, "let's throw another shrimp on the barbie!" And I really thought he would due to the fact that we have all of these embryos, but I would have needed him to CONVINCE me that there was something else to try...some other wonder-drug, or something drastic and hopeful. I didn't want to go through the motions, once again, only to be disappointed, ONCE AGAIN.

To be honest, I'm a little relieved for the closure. I knew it wasn't happening with my body...its fairly obvious at this point, and after 6 years of disappointment, 9 IVF's, 2 of which were donor egg and 4 surgeries later, I'm ready for the next option: Surrogacy.

GOD, can you believe me? I mean, what is wrong with me that I can't stop this merry-go-round, except it's not merry at all, it's shitty...I'm on a shitty-go-round. But I'm so determined and I can't quit now. How can I quit after 6 years of making this my ultimate goal? To everyone else it comes so easy, sure, but for me it has been a constant and unrelenting battle, and to give up now? I just can't do it people - it would be a waste of 6 years... I need to continue this path until I have absolutely ZERO options left.

But right now we have 15 frozen embryos, and would you believe there are women out there (with fluffy n' pink uterus's) who desire to carry a baby for people like us? Sounds like a solution to me.

So please cheer us on and give us your full support as we begin the journey towards surrogacy.

Week in Review

Well as you know I started a “diet plan” – well I guess you could call it that, although it doesn’t much feel like a diet - probably because I haven’t starved in any way shape or form, and I’ve enjoyed all of my meals. I can’t say that Chris’s dinner of Sour Cream and Onion chips and Coffee Crisp Mini’s didn’t chant my name (overpowering the tv), but I managed to pull through with a couple of bites of his dessert...Nibs.

The day goes sort of like this... I start with a bowl of oatmeal – just the quickies you buy in the packets, you know, the reduced fat ones. The maple and brown sugar one is delicious and often people come around and ask if I’m baking a cake...it smells that good. I throw banana slices which at first I thought would be disgusting, but it was delicious. For a snack I have some almonds and some cherries, or a 70cal Special K bar – also delicious – the Almond and Peanuts is my favourite, but they also have Chocolate Crunch which I save for a chocolate craving. At 11:30 or so I have a fruit salad from downstairs. Then around 12:30 when I start to get really hungry, I have a couple of eggs, or some chicken cooked the night before, some salad...whatever kind... Another snack of whatever – fruit, almonds, maybe a yogurt... and then to the gym. For dinner I have either some brown rice pasta with a tomato sauce, or a piece of protein, (i.e. steak, chicken, pork, fish) and baked tomatoes with cheese, or asparagus on the BB, or butternut squash with a touch of honey. Dessert often is no-fat plain yogurt (and I add in a swirl of honey) over some pinapple/cherries/strawberries/blueberries – whatever you can throw in a small dish. Seems to satisfy the sweet craving I get after dinner.

Et voila – quite good – lots of choices – eating well, eating WHOLE foods, basically – little to no sauces, nothing processed, stay away from the bad carbs.

Monday, June 14. 127lb.

(holy sh*t!)

Wee House

I don't care if my house is teeny weeny, or not sophisticated, or "shabby chic", we both love it, and so do our guests. We're very proud of this little dwelling and have worked hard to make it feel nice, despite it's age.

Problem is we'll eventually grow out of it.

See "George" was a laborer, an immigrant from Scotland, and he worked at Casa Loma. George had 2 pairs of work pants, 2 sets of longjohns, 2 shirts, 1 jacket and 1 ever-so-beaten pair of work boots. Hence the closets in bedrooms, which are suitable for a dude like George. Afterall, why on earth would George need a walk in? (God rest his soul.)

Our bedroom closet, clearly a design flaw, has not allowed for my (I-won't-go-into-how-much-there-really-is) wardrobe.

But oh, I do love it.

If Chris was a Woman, he'd be 500 pounds...

Stepped on the scale this morning, and was left agasp.

I haven’t been exercising, actually I went to buy new running shoes about a month ago because my Achilles was really a mess and figured it was because my running shoes were 2.5 years old!!! You think??? But I haven’t been out since. Some of you know I slipped in an embryo transfer. It didn’t work – I don’t want to talk about it - let’s move on. Clearly, un-blogging about it didn’t have any kind of karmic twist or impact, so I’ll write about the next one…for those of you who love to read about train wrecks.

I have been eating whatever…especially this last weekend because when I asked Chris what he wanted to do for his birthday, he simply said,“I want cake, and I want to eat like a king." (Henry VIII that is) So from Friday night until Saturday night, I spent most of the time cooking horribly delicious things in the kitchen. I said to Chris, “the icing is good, but I feel like I’m biting into chocolate flavoured butter.” His response was, “and the problem with that would be…???”

It’s no wonder the scale read 135 this morning. I did the early morning quick rub of the eyes for clarity… still 135. This can’t be. Repeat steps, reset scale, step back on…136 – GAAAH! In under 20 seconds I gained another lb? This is an outrage!

It does appear hopeless, but fear not, on the subway this morning the hunger to lose weight began to build, which is all it takes for me to get serious. Time to get moving again.

By the time I stepped off the subway platform (and I’m sure I felt the subway rear back to its level position) I knew I needed to lose 10 lb’s. Damn…where is that Steven King gypsy to make me thinner ? Maybe instead of caressing my face and saying “thinner” and ultimately causing my demise, he could rub my face and say “slightly thinner, in the manner of 10-15 lb’s.”

Today’s menu has so far consisted of black decaf (I know…), a huge bowl of delicious fruit from Onorios which I swear is the best deal in town. The fruit is always ripe and perfect, no hard bits or too much rind of anything. Everything is so fresh and juicy – and there’s a HUGE amount of it…for $4.00. Best deal ever. For lunch I had spinach salad more or less dry save the one tablespoon of dressing, sunflower seeds, and 2 hard boiled eggs.

Off to a good start.

I called the dumb gym downstairs to re-activate my account. It’s dumb because its small and has next to nothing in it. But see, I have a hard time going home and going back out. For a while there I would force myself to go directly upstairs and put on my gear. I had to stay very focussed - just eyes forward so as to not distract myself with Miss Vicky’s chips left out on the counter, or the mail that has to be brought in, or the flowers that need to be watered, or sparkly pretty things… but it wasn’t easy and often by the time I reached the top step I was out of breath and talking myself out of it.

Let me tell you that 3 weeks of that attitude and we’ve got ourselves a situation…and not the Jersey Shore kind. I’ll never be skinny and I don’t want to be, but I want to appear as firm as possible. The fat rarely budges these days, but the muscle underneath can be toned… not to mention the health aspect of eating clean and forcing your heart to pump.

Monday, June 7. 135lb.

Lilac

I can't deny my passion for all things floral - especially when they are lavender color and easy on the eyes as well as the senses. These stolen gems have filled our house with the aroma of spring and a sense of calm...

(No I am not the thief, that would be my neighbor who came over last night with a smile and a suspicious handful of lilac. Who am I to judge? Love thy neighbor and all that...)

Coffee

I’m not a big coffee drinker, never have been, but every so often I’d have that first sip at my desk and it would be oh-so-good that it would make me moan out loud. “mmmmmm… good stuff…” One of life’s simple little pleasures. But I read recently that caffeine is bad for my lining…and now we’re on a mission to get it as fluffy as possible. So I drink decaf now…and wow does it suck.

When I quit regular coffee it was an assault to my system like no other, and it’s not even like I had that much. In fact, I rarely drank more than one coffee a day (granted I had a large). But there couldn’t possibly have been that much caffeine in my system to justify three weeks of crippling headaches. At first I doubted it and tried to pin the headaches on something else…like weather pressure or lack of sleep or stiff muscles in my back. But every time I mentioned I’d quit caffeine people would go on and on about how bad the headache can be…and how long it can last (they'd say between frantic sips of their own addictive variety).

But I did it – I quit and now I have Saturdays. Saturdays are my day to indulge, and I have a Tim Horton’s at the foot of my back alley. I literally climb out of bed, use a facecloth to get rid of my eye crusties, run a brush through my hair, throw on track pants and a baseball hat and stumble out the back door. That one paper cup of caffeinated sin has become the best thing about my weekends.

So happy weekend everyone!

________________________________________________

A Man Fainted at the Clinic Today

He was getting blood drawn for the first time.

Ninny.

Isn't it Ironic? Don't you think?

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
Vaginal ultrasound...on Mo-o-ther's day
Who would've thought... it figures

Friends

When I was younger, I had very few good friends. I never felt like I quite was "wanted" as a friend. Friends would make plans, and I would wonder if I would be invited. Everyone seemed to have a clique of their own, and I was the floater. It meant I was never part of the core group. Don't get me wrong, I had some very good friends, but I envied those groups that were complete within their members...impenetrable.

In an attempt to find my own clique I happened across a few fake friends... it was a high school desperation thing...I didn't want to be alone.

When I was in grade 9, I got chased into the 2nd foor bathroom by two girls who called me a friend the day prior. I never could understand how a) girls could be so cruel, and b) how quickly they turned. I remember being in that bathroom, standing on the toilet, shaking from head to toe...my chest heaving, my blood racing, the tears welling. "You're fucking dead" is what they said to me when I walked out of the gym that day. I had done nothing wrong... they were just mean girls. Over the next few days it resolved itself, although the three of us were never friends again. But the damage of that day stayed with me for a very long time. I learned that day that you couldn't trust anyone.

I haven't always been the best friend I can be either - absolutely not. There are lots of things I regret doing - short cuts that were obvious, gossip that came full circle, disloyalty, and occasionally a very disappointed friend. This was mostly in my 20's - and those days I am not proud of in many respects. I have seen friends walk away, and in hindsight, I can't say I blame them. It was difficult with me...I was insecure, nervous, scared to be somewhere I didn't want to be...scared to trust. I bailed a lot.

One day a friend said to me, "You're a total bailer." I remember it felt like a slap in the face, but at the same time I knew she was right - I WAS a total bailer. Hey, the truth hurts. But then I set out to prove her wrong. Now I'm committed - if I say I'm going to be there, I'll be there. Unless I'm ill - and I don't lie about it.

Social anxiety plagued me for years, and to a certain degree it still does. There are some people and some situations that still rattle me - not my close friends - but more the acquaintances I've met along the way. This city is tough and everyone's trying to be "perfect", why I don't know. It's total bullshit, but it's how this city runs. I hate small talk and it's those "so what have you been up to?" situations that rev my anxiety. And I don't know about you but there are days I am just not "on" and on those days it's hard for me to snap out of it.

It's taken me a long time to get to this point and I realize now that I have great friends. No one's going anywhere and I truly feel the friends I have now will be the friends I have for life. I feel like people get me now and that I've tapped into something special. I realize I don't HAVE to be a perfect friend anymore...I just have to be a friend. I especially relate to my friends who can admit their faults and issues in life. The ones who don't act like everything's always rosy - 'cause let's face it - everyone's got their own crap to deal with.

I'm happy now with this part of my life - and I've worked hard to get here. The ones that mattered, I didn't let get away...the ones who chose to walk away, would have done so eventually, even if I had tried to stop them.

Sure there's always room for improvement but I promise to be less hard on myself. Maybe that's the key right there - maybe I just need to be a better friend to my self, in order to be a better friend to others.

Nuthin' Spesh...

Nothing earth-shattering or new...just in the limbo stages between transfers. On Tuesday I had the usual blood work and ultrasound done. Everything is ok except that my lining is "quite thin". It's a bit unnerving considering it's a main reason for a failed transfer, but the nurse told me that the doctor is putting me on a certain drug to thicken the lining. I can't remember the name of the drug, but when they are offering me information without too much prying, I am NOT going to push my luck...but it was different than just Estrace/estrogen. Anything to supercharge growth down there is ok by me.

S (my lovely donor) has sent the occasional email from Mexico. It is always so nice to hear from her. She's so sweet and sincere and always concerned and praying for us. I'm so glad she is the donor, I couldn't imagine anyone else at this point. She hasn't had a period since...well since we induced one and it wasn't impressive, but prior to that it was in Finland late last summer. I think the clinic is having her in when she returns from Mexico to see if they can help get her cycles back to normal...and of course we will help her as much as we can.

This week is Day 21 (Thursday) and I go in for another routine check - just to see what's going on down there.

On a more personal note, the staff at the clinic have been really great. There's been a shift in the way everyone communicates and it's really lightened the mood. I hope it's truly sincere on their part although who knows... That's the thing about private business. Do they really want to be nice and have a much smoother interaction with their customers/patients? Or are they scared of losing their jobs?

At this point the motivating factor doesn't really matter - I'm just going to roll with it!

Oh it sucks, you know it does...but it is a necessary evil. And one can't deny that the feeling once it's DONE is like no other. I've been really trying to stay on track since my coach/motivator/BFF/work partner and fashion twin is having a baby - TODAY, yes today I said. They just broke her water and she texted me "we'll see what happens now." Its uber exciting since she doesn't know what she's having. Anyhoo, she exercised her entire pregnancy, right up until the 11th hour so I have only been partnerless for about 3 weeks... and to be clear about how much she motivates me, its been about 3 weeks since I exercised.

But this week I got back in the game. Tuesday I ran the trail, Thursday and then again this morning. That's not bad considering I can talk myself out exercising every.single.time, which is why little miss "what else would you be doing for the next hour?" or, "you'll feel so great once it's done" or, "we're going Lisa, don't even try to get out of it." was so good for me.

Why she so disciplined? Hmmmm??

As I sprint towards my 42 birthday, I find it much easier to relax and have a savory snack, than to gear up for an hour of torture. But today's run was good, and I've been adding a little bit of extra torture just because if I'm already torturing myself, I might as well do it good. So I have been attempting to cross the bridge in lunges. On Thursday I got a third of the way across before the legs began to tremble, and today I made it half way.

Progress.

Tonight is Biryani House with the Biryani Gang- our favorite Indian restaurant...and I would just like to add that it is some of the most tastiest Indian food ever. Now I can eat guilt free knowing I took a few calories off today's total.

Look what the cat dragged in...

It’s me! Back from the dead…or the huge crank I had on from the surgery and the weeks that followed. I should apologize for my absence…I have often thought of the blog, but well, I have been feeling rather lobotomized lately – void of thought or creativity. I’m certain I’ve lost some of my loyal readership, which is unfortunate because for a while there I was up to a buck and a quarter on an “important news” day…which was a great accomplishment, especially considering I know only about 7 people. My “Google Analytics” tracking shows that interest in my blog has plummeted an impressive 62%. I did it to myself…I did.

A bit about me. Well I wonder on just about an hourly basis if the D&C procedure really worked. I know I had a balloon in there for about a week and continued to eat fistfuls of Estrace tablets, but one can’t be sure. The doctor did seem optimistic when I had the balloon removed, but in my crazy mind I picture it all slowly caving in towards itself and sticking back together again.

Is the real estate now good enough for my ice bubs?

A fellow blogger referred me to a great donor egg forum…it has been fascinating and eye opening. I am not alone and many women exactly like me have had to try 2 or more egg donors before becoming successful. A lot of women get donors through agencies, and despite age and medical testing for the donor, end up with nothing. NOTHING. I simply cannot imagine. I believe as the recipients (people like me) get wiser, the agencies have to change their policies. There are a lot of agencies that are now doing insured cycles, meaning that the recipients won’t be out of pocket should the cycle be a disaster. One woman mentioned that she paid the agency fee of $6,800, waited for the donor to be free to cycle and found out she had gotten married and had become pregnant and the woman lost all of her money.

Insult to injury.

But it’s been a great resource and I’m happy to have been referred there. A woman told me the other day that the only two times she has ever been pregnant in her entire life was with her son and with her daughter, and both were from frozen embryo transfers…which I am about to do.

So just when I thought I was completely out of hope, I’ve managed to scrape a tiny little bit more off the bottom.

Calm.

I had the balloon removed...heaven on earth I tell you. The crap with the clinic is over (that's another story but I don't have the energy to "go there" again), so things are finally calming down and looking up. I remember thinking "god, not ANOTHER procedure", but here we are on the other side of it, with a better looking uterus. The procedure worked and my uterus has opened up and has grown in thickness...this is very good news.

I have to have a period (or two) under my belt before we consider a transfer, so we're looking at probably an early summer cycle.

Until then, we give ourselves a chance to heal from all the drama of the past 2 weeks...

I'll tell you, this is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to fight for...I hope its not all in vain.

Thanks to everyone for all of your emails and comments! I couldn't do this without your constant encouragement and support. Love to all.

I Suck at Confrontation

I hate that I just had to do that. I am a nice person who likes things harmonious and I hate having conflict. First of all I totally suck at it - it always comes out the wrong way, and secondly, someone will get in shit, and I hate being a narc.

Or will they? Will they just scoff and say "that girl is so high maintenance - she just expects us to run circles around her - who does she think she is?" Are they all having a good laugh? Or do they hate me even more now that I've had to rat them out? Does the doctor even know? I doubt A would voluntarily tell him that they dropped the ball. My impression is he's a bit of dick for a boss...I have seen him get short with his staff - he's rolled his eyes in anger in my direction...those times you can cut the tension with a knife, and I've often thought to myself "I'd hate to work here."

I called and knew A would answer the phone. She's not a nurse - she's the office co-ordinator. It went like this...

A: Dr. A's office?

L: Hi A, it's LM.

A: Oh hi dear, how are you?

(this is where it all goes down hill)

L: Fine. A, don't you normally follow up after a surgery? I was told I would get a phone call the night of, and I was told I would DEFINITELY get a call the next day...and nothing. No one has contacted me from your office.

(silence)

A: Oh... I'm... so sorry sweetie... how are you feeing now?

L: Actually I don't feel very good at all. I've been nauseated and exhausted. I have a foreign object in my body and I am calling to find out when I can get it out.

A: Let me call you back sweetie.

L: (grrrr stop calling me sweetie) Ok.

She called back to say that the longer the balloon is in the better...BECAUSE "it was a very difficult procedure". REALLY? I hadn't realized. I said "speaking of, I really don't know what happened during the procedure -why did it take 3 hours? Was it not supposed to be 40 minutes?" She said yes, but that it was "a very difficult procedure." She said that the doctor explained everything to Chris. Uh, Chris isn't a doctor - he's the spouse of a patient. I would rather hear it from the horse's mouth.

So nothing resolved really/no reprocussions for them...she'll probably whisper it to G (Bloodwench) that she forgot to follow up and G will get her nose out of joint again and act like she did nothing wrong, and ONCE AGAIN I'll be made to feel the asshole, the trouble maker, the high maintenance one.

Lose/lose.

This all needs to stop♦

Its been two days since my "D&C". I believe everything went well although how would I know? I have had to ask C a million questions - he was in the room with me and watched for 3 hours while I squirmed around semi-conscious begging them to stop. But C isn't a surgeon, or a doctor, or even a nurse, just my husband, who held my hand for 3 hours and talked me through something awful and painful. Thankfully it only felt like 20 minutes, but those 20 minutes, I'm finding, were traumatic. And I thought my first egg retrieval was bad.

I made amends with the nurse. She was good to me before and after the surgery...we had spoken the day before and laughed about something...it broke the ice. After the surgery she held me tight when my legs were about to buckle...she had my back. In an effort to bury the hatchet, a very drug-induce me hugged her tight and said "I'm sorry about everything." She hugged me back and said "that's ok". As she walked me to the car where Chris was waiting with the door open, she said to both of us, "I will call you tonight, but I don't want anyone getting out of bed or rushing for the phone, if we don't make contact tonight, that's ok...but I WILL be calling you tomorrow and I WILL need to speak with you or C...we need to make sure everything's ok."

For once I felt she cared, that the whole office cared...she was sincere and she had also burried the hatchet. I felt like I was back on track with the clinic. That was Thursday, it's now Saturday night and I have not heard from anyone at that office, not even the doctor. Yesterday I cried my eyes out about this - how could they just leave us hanging like this? How could they forget my crying out and begging for them to stop? Surely someone would have thought to follow up... but I guess not even the doctor did, because this would have prompted a call.

I feel so totally let down. Maybe the drugs and the recovery are making me more sad and dramatic than usual... but I'm tired of being "fine" - putting on a brave face. I need to be upset.

Who knows if I'm healing properly? We don't. We don't know anything. Yesterday I threw up twice, and today thankfully, only once. I know this might sound silly, but over my dead body was I calling that clinic. They've wormed their way out of other screw ups a bunch of times before, and I wasn't about to risk looking the idiot, again, and having them say"we were just ABOUT to call you "sweetie"...you beat us to the punch." No way...because it would have been a lie.

And other than Chris's account, which is reassuring, yet understandably incomplete, I know very little about what was done to my body.

"Oh God, you're a "Returner" aren't you?!"

What's that? Come again? I didn't realize that there was a name for people like me...people who buy things, and often have an error in judgment. People who realize that the item du jour doesn't really work with the season or the wardrobe, and end up RETURNING the item. I didn't realize it was a bad thing...maybe a little annoying for the merchant, but not, like, illegal or anything.

I took back the shoes. HEAR ME OUT! Throughout the past week and a bit, when I have been getting dressed, I have sometimes slipped on the shoes to see if THAT outfit worked with the shoes...its not like my style is incredibly diverse - rather quite simple, so if the shoes don't work with simple jeans and a tank, then I probably won't wear them at all. I have no weddings or showers to attend this summer, and let's face it, they are more weddingy than funky.

I had another look on the site, because exchange or credit note were my options (I guess I could also be labelled an "Exchanger") and found a much more suitable "fun" shoe that will be a lot more versatile. A chunkier heel, a bit more laid back as opposed to all grown up and lady like.

Do you think I should own my own shoe store? I do...I very much do.

D&C Me!

Don't be fooled by my title, I'm not really that excited to have my uterus gutted and scraped like a pumpkin at Halloween, but it's a necessary procedure.

The doctor is still very hopeful. Maybe he's a bit "challenged". I wish I could feel the same way. I apologized (in jest) for ruining his stats. He smirked and said not to worry about his stats.

The sooner the better really..I'm tired of living in this Limboland..it sucks and C & I both need a new direction if this isn't going to work.

I figure we'll get this scrapey business dealt with and then we can transfer to our heart's content... but we WILL be saving some embies for a surrogate.

Any takers?

Be Still, My Heart

Oh how I love them so. It was love at first sight. At the first moment our eyes met, I knew it was meant to be...but it was scandalous, and I wondered if I could justify such an extravagant purchase.

See, N went into the store to buy a messenger bag for her husband, and I was not to buy anything at all, but this is what happens, see...with both of us...and then N was all "I LOVE them. NO...I freakin' LOOOOVE them. You HAVE to buy those Lis, you HAVE to...they are SO GORGEOUS." I have to admit they do look fantastic on my feet and WOW talk about comfortable...they are really easy to wear/walk in. Worth it? I'd say!

Sold.

(Let me just say, however, that they are not white. I really hate white shoes...and I did have a bit of an issue buying the bone color. They came in black and red, BUT the bone ones looked so cool and edgy with my black jeans and my almost black toes... I tried on the black ones, but they just weren't really doing it for me...and red is out because I'm just not a fan. They are not as white as they appear in the picture - the flash did that. Think a little paler than beige, but not quite a true bone either.)

Remember the Shoes?

I was so happy when our tiny mail delivery person came around the corner with my bright yellow happy smiley-faced Zappo’s box, singing "Oooooweee Leeeeesaaaaa, how aaaaaaaare yooooooooooou?? I have a package forrrrryoooooou!!” I’ve never known anyone to like me more than she does, which kindof makes me feel good, even though she’s a bit of an odd duck which is probably why she likes me so much…because she’s weird and I attract weirdos… ‘cause I’m nice…even though that certainly wasn’t a very nice thing to say but it's just a fact. Anyway, I signed for the package and off she scurried. I decided to take the shoes home (but not the box) so I could try them on without having to lug the box back and forth if they needed to be returned… The entire way home I was dreaming up outfits that would complement my fabulous new shoes. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping...the smell of spring and BBQ's in the air. I came up with 2 possible scenarios…very pleased with myself.

1. Skinny jeans, longish tank, chunky necklace
2. Pencil or tulip skirt, flirty blouse

Well…I’m sad to announce, that they are currently on a ship back to Zappoland.

Who the hell can wear these things? During my search did I unknowingly click on “Hooker Heels”? Was there a subsection called “Achy Breaky Neck”? Unwilling to admit I had once again failed to purchased a SINGLE wearable on-line item, I stubbornly proceeded to my makeshift runway (the hallway). I wasn’t going to give up, dammit, I had spent my 20’s & 30’s in high heels. I am WOMAN.

I balanced myself, took a deep breath and proceeded to take my first step…hoookaaay…by step #2 I knew this wasn’t going to work. I threw myself down on the floor in a strop and unlatched the ankle straps, one by one. I stuffed them back into the bag and mumbled to myself, “not a chance in HELL.”

I was so depressed that my first attempt at buying shoes on line had gone so sour, that I treated myself to a delivery from Victoria Secret…a bathing suit, which I have not a shred of doubt will fit me like a glove.

I Kinda Like Shoes

I bought these today in the event that I might,some day, be invited to something fabulous...like a wedding. I can't really wear them for downtown summer dinners, because Toronto streets are ankle breakers at the best of times, nevermind 5" heels, and I can't wear them to the elusive Garden Party I've been talking about for 10 years beause I'll sink into the grass and hurt myself, or complain the entire time which would literally be the end of my marriage...and I can't wear them to a friend's house because the girls will laugh at me and call me a midget on stilts...so yep it has to be a wedding. I need one of my friend to get divorced right now and find a new man before platforms become the trend that never quite was.

Whatever it is, make sure you give me enough time to find a dress, because I have got nothing to go with these beauties.


Oh how I love them so.

Conversations in Hell

For anyone who knows me in real life, they would probably admit that I'm a fairly friendly person with an open type personality. I like to chat with people, and I’ve made a lot of friends over the years. This is a good thing, I can’t deny it, but having worked in this building for 10 years, occassionally you bump into someone you haven't seen in a long time, and the awkward conversation begins.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, what have you been up to?”

See…the thing about women with children, or soon-to-be-mothers, is that they can always default to their kids as a topic of conversation. Answers to the above question often go like this…

“Well the kids are getting soooo big now – Joey’s starting pre-school ½ days this year and Sandra has her first tooth!”

Or

“Just waiting to see what this little one’s going to be.” (rubs belly and smiles)

Or

“The kids are both enrolled in hockey, so I’ve become one of those annoying hockey mom’s. Hahahaaa!”

I hear it ALL the time. It’s an easy way out of a conversation when you have nothing of much interest to say about yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do it myself – happily – because that’s life…eventually your world becomes all about the kids and THANK GOD for that because otherwise what the hell would you have to talk about? Admit it – you do it – especially when you’re annoyed that you have to have this conversation in the first place…after all, all you really wanted was to just get yourself a chai latte.

I found myself faced with this conversation the other day, and I might add for flavour, that it was a mere 20 minutes after I’d gotten the dreaded BFN phone call. It was unexpected (as they usually are) and the question was thrown at me like I was center stage with a spot light on me. And nothing…I’ve got nothing. Blanco de Mayo. I suppose my conversations could go like this…”

“Well we’ve just finished a SEVENTH fertility procedure…and I just found out it was negative!”

Or

“Well yesterday…let’s see what did I do yesterday…oh that’s right I spent the day on the couch because everything was clean and there’s no kids to take care of…so…”

Or

“My husband and I are very depressed these days, so we don’t really do much…plus we’re always broke from failed fertility treatments. You?”

Talking about planning a trip to New York or the Caribbean or enrolling in a course in the spring just sounds like you’re trying too hard (and would have been a lie) …so what I actually said was, “Oh, not a whole lot, what about you?” (deflection)

Now being a woman in her late 50’s I expected to hear stories of Florida or the Caribbean, about how they were buying a cottage up north, or something to do with work. Her reply?

“Well!!! I just became a grandmother for the first time!!!”

Urgh. Seriously? WTF Universe?

BFN

I know you are all waiting for a post...so I thought I should put you out of your misery. Yep, its a negative...quite the shock really, considering this is supposed to WORK. But there you have it. Life isn't always a box of chocolates.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support...it is hard to get through this, but so much easier with the amazing support of everyone - my family, my friends and my Peaches.

Love to you all.
xo

Butterflies

I can't handle this feeling in my stomach. It is flipping over and over and over as I watch the clock and realize my entire world could change within a few moments.

My entire torso is locked and heated...my face is flush and my palms sweaty. I think I'm having a heart attack. This is the problem with this type of thing...there is so much build up and so much at stake.

I feel like the world is waiting.

Don't get too excited...ok?

Today I'm a shining example of a woman who is clearly pre-menstrual. I'm feeling fat and bloated, I'm irritated by everyone, I have cramps, my back hurts and I'm burning up...which I *think* means my temperature dropped...that would make sense right? I think I've had this before - really hot, like an overheated feeling right before getting my period. I think I will probably get it tomorrow, if my theory is correct. But then I'm not sure about that because when you have a fever, you get the chills - oh wait, yes, that makes sense...but then sometimes mom will say, "you're burning up." So what the hell? Someone answer my damn question!! Why am I literally roasting when its -5 outside?

I really miss Cleo. Normal routine things that she was a part of are what's upsetting me the most. Like when I'd shower in the morning she'd always be in the bathroom with me. It was our washing up time...I would use a sponge and she would use her tongue. If she missed the window of opportunity to get inside before I shut the door, she would wait outside and then give me a really irritated meow. I'd just shrug...gotta show up on time - no time for tardy kittens.

She loved the heat in there...and would plant herself in front of the vent. And when I blowdried my hair, she'd get a 5 second blast all over her body. That was her fave. I miss routine stuff like that...now I'm all alone (YES, Chris lives here, but this is my alone time...which was always spent with her). I hate that I just came home to an empty house...she would always greet me in the kitchen. I'm realizing today just how much I talked to her, like she was a person.

Sigh. I don't think I'm pregnant so I'm warning you all now. I'm not trying to be Neggy Nelly, I'm just being realistic. And I don't want anyone getting too upset (me included). I don't like to dwell on awlful things, I like to move on...so move on with me - quickly.

An Egg Donation Child

I stumbled upon this video and just had to post it. I think this girl has an amazing attitude and I love how she feels unique. I'm glad I found this today...and I hope it's a sign.

My Cleo

Today I had to say goodbye and it was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. You were my baby from the minute I got you from the cat rescue. I was promised to another kitten, but she was not well...so they changed last minute to you. I remember being so upset at the time, because until that moment, my heart belonged to the other cat, but you took to me instantly, and I fell in love.

The only time you got mad at me, was when I stopped massaging you...you hated it when I stopped (understandable). I'm happy that we spent a lot of our time watching TV together, you in my lap.

I'm sorry that the day you fell off the roof on Merton Avenue, I couldn't find you. I looked and looked for days, and posted signs...but nothing. On the day I was giving up all hope, I walked around the building one last time. I remember it was so hot - one of those scorching Toronto summer days, and the wind was so strong and hot that it felt like a hairdryer. I called out for you but I couldn't hear anything but the sound of the wind and the trees clashing together. For one tiny second, it all calmed and I heard your tiny meow calling out to me. I carried you home and I remember such a sense of relief. You purred as soon as you were inside and safe.

I'm sorry that for 10 months I had a boyfriend who pressured me to keep you off the bed, and I'm sorry that was a struggle between us. It was a loft with no doors, and your instict was to sleep with me. I'm sorry I shut you out to accommodate him...and I'm sorry his demands caused me to be frustrated with you. I wish I could turn back time and ask him to leave.

But we had a very happy life together you and me. You followed me around like a dog and were always available for a cuddle. You loved me and I loved you so much in return.

I hope you are in kitten heaven now, with a young body, a bowl of cream and some fresh catnip.

I love you Bubby.

EPS or just Progesterone?

Well its Monday…4 more sleeps until we find out if my potential little people seeds (hereinafter referred to as “PLPS”) burrowed in for the night + 270 give or take a day or two.

This 2WW doesn’t feel any different than any other 2WW – whether it was TTC naturally, or with an IVF. Pretty much the same symptoms, which can be attributed to, no doubt, the trickiest of all hormones…PROGESTERONE. When a woman becomes pregnant naturally, she produces more progesterone – it is the lifeline for an embryo…without it an embryo can’t thrive… During the IVF process, all systems are shut down…so once the transfer happens, progesterone has to be pumped in manually to keep those little PLPS kickin’. Aaaand of course the progesterone related symptoms are the ones that make you feel pregnant…like sore boobs, crampy feelings, dizziness, etc.

So really, when you do IVF you can’t know AT ALL (other than intuition) if you are pregnant or not. Oh, and trust me I don’t have the intuition gene because I have convinced myself “this could be it!” far too many a time to count. Clearly I have no idea.

So we wait…

Goodbye S

Salla's part of this journey has come to an end.

Part of me feels a bit of loss...because she's been such an incredible part of my life for the past few months. But this was the nature of our arrangement...that it would only be for a brief moment in time. It's just not in my nature to stop being friends with people I care about...and that's exactly what this feels like.

I didn't realize it would be so hard.

I miss her. But I know she needs to get on with her life, as do I. I want her to know that even though a distance will grow between us, she will always be my friend.

Transfer

It was a bit of a reality check. My lining is nosogood. The doctor suspected it would NOT have increased from last week and he was mostly right. However, there were some measurements on the monitor (Chris was watching like a hawk) that indicated a lining of 9 something - but the initial count was 6.5. I think its different depending on where you are in the uterus - some parts will be more plush and some thinner.

The discussion was about whether or not to optimize our chances by putting in 3 great embryos, or to try 2, see what happens, and know that there are AT LEAST 6 MORE TRANSFERS!!

The procedure he wants to do (if this fails) he says he has very good luck with. Basically he D&C's the lining, and inserts a high quality inverted triangle shaped balloon that keeps the edges of the uterus from caving in as it heals. (Yes, I had one from the hospital but it was round and he says hospitals use the cheapest things they can get...so his version would work a lot better.) So transfer 3 and optimize our chances?? BUT then potentially lose 3 great 8-cell Grade 1 embryos...or transfer 2, see what happens, and then we have the other 5 that are being frozen today, in addition to the 16 we have frozen from Day 1. All of the embryos seem to be very good.

So...we decided to transfer 2 of the very best 8-cell Grade 1 embryos. They were surprised the uterus was as open as it was - it looked more round today than the narrow shape it has been before - so he was pleasantly surprised by that. Chances are ok...great embryos, but my lining unfortunately, decreases my chances.

So that's the latest! I have to go in on Friday so they can check all of my levels. Embryo(s) should be implanting about Friday so they want to make sure I have a good balance of estrogen/progesterone.

I'm going to laze around today but I'm not going to be overly cautious. I was really relaxed in the transfer room, and I just want to feel that way about everything...and I want to get up and make a cup of tea if I want... So I'm going to just take it easy and then tomorrow back to normal!

"All 7 are dividing nicely and are of good quality."

What more can you say about that? Things are really looking good!

Transfer is tomorrow at 9:30. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 10 days!! Omg the suspense!

Fertilization Report

I am so scared to write anything positive for fear I might jinx the entire thing, but I can't deny that things have taken a turn for the better. I find myself asking "Is my luck finally turning around?" but then I quickly shake the thought out of my head for fear it will come back to haunt me. This is how 4 years of infertility affects the psyche. 4 years of awful and invasive treatment. 4 years of watching everyone I know announce their pregnancies with such excitement. 4 years of being left out. 4 years of cold hearted nurses who couldn't care less. 4 years of disappointment. 4 years of putting every ounce of energy I have towards this cause. For this reason it's hard for me to get excited. Chris said to me the other day, "37 honey - why don't you seem very excited about this?" I felt bad because although I was very pleased, I probably wasn't celebrating that small victory like I should have been, but there's so many hurdles to get through in this process...this is just the beginning.

I'm happy to report, however, that of the 37 follicles retrieved from S on Sunday, 28 of them were mature!!! Of those 28 mature eggs, 23 fertilized normally. Of those 23 that fertilized normally, 16 were automatically frozen, for possible future use...which leaves us with 7 little fighters in the here and now.

We'll know more today about the quality of our 7 little embies and when the transfer will be...so stay tuned!

I feel like the collective hope of my friends and family, the prayers, the Novenas, the lighting of the candles...it's all helping to move things along...from one step to the next. I can't express to you how much you've all helped me through. I can't imagine going through this alone. I think about women 40 years ago who had no options and had to fight infertility in silence. And of course it was "her" fault... These thoughts break my heart because I've been so lucky to have had such amazing support.

Thank you.

My Donor had her Egg Retrieval Today - and she was Amazing

(yes I changed the title...the more I looked at it the more I felt it was not me...even though it was a complete joke...and I thought it felt a bit jinx-y, so I changed it...because now is not the time to get cocky.

My kickass donor had her ER today and produced an applause-worthy 37 follicles!! She did say from the beginning that she wanted her eggs to be the best! Well I think she might have just won the Gold Medal in the 2010 Donor Olympics.

We want to send S all the love in the world...so please tell her how wonderful she is, and let's hope she gets better very soon. I know she will have to be careful over the next week and I plan to watch her like a hawk. I don't want her getting sick or ending up in the hospital...so speedy recovery wishes welcome!

Tomorrow we'll see how many eggs were in those follicles, and how many fertilized. The staff at the clinic are talking to me in "batches". "The first batch will be frozen tomorrow, and the 2nd batch will be frozen on Day 3, and the 3rd batch will be frozen on Day 5..."

I feel like I've won the lottery, and if I never get pregnant, I will remember this as a triumphant day.

Retrieval Day!

Omigosh I can't believe this day is finally here. Chris is on his way down to the clinic to make his deposit, and S should be having her procedure as I type this. I can only hope that they have given her enough drugs to make the whole thing bearable...after all, the clinics here insist on having you awake for the procedure...I dunno, beats me.

To be honest with you, today will be a surprise, not only for you, but for me. I have NOT A CLUE on the number of follicles that they are hoping to retrieve. Not a clue. It could be 2 (unlikely) it could be 5 - 8 - 10??? I honestly have no idea whatsoever. I've decided to take a practical approach and get double digits out of my head and hope for greater than 5. Two nice embies and a couple to freeze would be all a girl could hope for.. Of course I want more...but we all know my past...so let's just stay cautious.

Wish us luck!!!