10 Weeks

Once again I'm late with my homework, but I'm sure you will forgive me. Elliot and Alex are so completely gorgeous and doing wonderfully at 10 weeks today! We survived! I remember people saying, "just get to 6 weeks"...but wait...we are well passed that and life is still as busy! I will admit there is a lot more sleep for me at night. I never did "nap when the babies nap!" despite all the advice to do so, but they are lasting through the night longer and longer all the time. Last night was a success...Ellie (my great little sleeper) settled by 10, Alex by 11...slept though to 3am, then quick feed and down again until 6, then down again until 8:30. Maybe this isn't great compared to some other experiences, but it's manageable for me right now and with twins seems like a small victory. It used to be 9, midnight, 3, 6, etc. and the feeding times were loooong...so we are definitely making progress. I am trying to get them to sail through the 3 hour mark during the day because I think it is nothing more than an internal clock at this point and nothing to do with being starving!!!... as their screams would suggest.

I look at them and try to see what they may look like later on...as 1 year olds with chubby arms and legs, big round bellies. What color will their eyes settle on, and will their hair be curly or straight, dark or fair... it's so exciting to watch them grow before your very eyes, fatten up, start to smile. Yesterday Ellie smiled long and hard, and it was the best thing I've ever seen. She's so delightful, and Alex just melts my heart every time I look at his perfect little face....when he doesn't scratch it to bleed that is. The little pooper gets so upset when his needs are not immediately met, and the hands go up to the face. He's been wearing socks on his hands for as long as I can remember because his nails are like little knives. Yes we bite them, file them, clip them, but it's one of those things you dread right? So it gets avoided more than it gets done. My bad.

Well, Alex is currently getting fussy on his activity mat, and Ellie (I can see on the monitor) is stirring upstairs in her crib, so duty calls! Here is a shot of a photoshoot I did of the twins for Xmas...although they are much older now (lol) - time flies when you grow in "weeks"!

Diary of a New Mother...at 4am (aka The Witching Hour)

It's 4:20 am and my husband has not yet come up to the bedroom to tap me it's my turn. I better get up anyway and see what's happening at baby headquarters. I'm surprised to hear nothing as I sneak down to the basement. Husband's eyes are half open watching some terrible action movie, while two babies sleep soundly. He mumbles something about them just being fed. I feel a tiny surge of excitement that all may be calm as I shoo husband upstairs and quickly get settled on the couch, ready to put my head down and continue sleeping. Could this really be happening? Could I be so lucky?

It's now 4:25 and #2 stirs. I open one eye, but I don't move, I don't breath. I say a little "god please" prayer in my head as I lay in wait. I hear "eh. eh. eh." I continue to be still...not making a sound. The struggle continues, but there is nothing too alarming...nothing that warrants lifting my head off the pillow. I close my eye and feel myself falling softly into a deep sleep.

It's 4:26. The house must be on fire because there is an alarming scream coming from the basinet. I bolt off the couch which makes my head hurt. I approach the basinet and first try Binky, but this just makes #2 madder. In an effort to make amends, I pick him up. Silence. Hm... Annoying. We rock for a few minutes, his eyes fighting to stay open, but he is weak. He is 2 weeks old. I win, smile, and carefully and fluidly place him back in the bassinet. I quickly walk away with a smirk on my face - pat on back for being Mother of the Year. I quickly situate myself on the couch, ready for a few more hours of much needed sleep.

It's now 4:32. It's not like there's anything but liquid poo in there...what on EARTH is he trying to squeeze out with such vigor? A watermelon? I wait patiently for the fruit to pass, but the pushing and squeezing and grunting is getting louder and his frustration growing. One quick screech I'm sure dogs throughout the neighborhood hear, and I get up. I pick up, sooth and bounce again. Silence. Again, annoying. Mummy needs her sleep too. Why does the pushing, squeezing and grunting become silenced when I am there? We have a cuddle on the couch, a sure thing to calm him down, but not this time and the grunting turns into full on crying. We're now up again...walking and pacing, soothing and stroking. Calm... Calm... zzzzzz He's out. Wait...don't push your luck. Keep walking for a few more minutes. Still calm. Attempt to put down in one inch/sec increments. Success! Race back to couch, jump in and throw blanket over body in one quick motion.

It's 4:45 and the grunting begins. Maybe he hates being swaddled!?? Maybe grunting isn't about pushing a watermelon, but about freeing arms. Yes! That must be it! Jump up and help free arms from swaddle... aaaah, bingo! Silence... calm.

It's 4:46 and apparently freeing limbs is not the issue. I get up much more slowly, feeling more and more resigned, grunting as I stand. I approach #2. Sigh. Pick him up and sooth... hear a big fart and realize that nappy might be wet. I do a diaper change and as suspected it's squash soup down there. Figure this has to be the reason for such fussiness...I mean who wants to sit in their own sh*t? Feel patience and mother earth-ness slipping away...shake it off and return to soft calming mummy. I fly upstairs to get his new sleep sack. It's time to try it because swaddling might be frustrating. He's dry, he's comfy cozy...I try a change of venue and place him into his bouncy chair which is the equivalent of a huge fuzzy papasan. THAT goes down like a lead balloon. Up we get. We go upstairs together where I prepare a bottle from frozen with one hand. It's warm, it's nutritious, it's delicious, but he's not interested. He screams. Again, we pace...back and forth...back and forth. All is once again calm.

It's now 5:15 and he's dead asleep in my arms. I cannot feel my hands, and my neck muscles are completely fried. I hear a quick high pitched squeak from basinet #1 and I whisper snap, "don't you even THINK about it!" She goes back to sleep. I am grateful. I turn my attention back to #2 and ever so carefully lie him down in his basinet. The transfer appears to be a success. I veeeery sloooooowly tip toooooooe awaaaaay...throw myself back onto the couch, curl up and pray.

It's now 6am and after repeating steps 1 through 6, I decide to give in and just get up. I prop #2 up in the boppy pillow, turn on the TV, brew a pot of coffee, I have some cereal.

I come downstairs and what do I find? This.



And as long as it's taken me to write this post...he hasn't stirred an inch.

The Breast Milk Debate

NO! I'm not inviting one...merely giving my opinion on a topic that came to light the other day. Nickole, like any of us who seek info/support/advice for whatever we happen to be going through at the time, joined an online forum for surrogates -- and as one does, became quite good friends with some of them as they went through the surrogacy journey together. Well she got into a "message fight". She mentioned she was pumping for the twins and someone asked her how much she was charging for it and went on to say that SHE charges $1.25 per ounce. WOWZA. That is ALOTTA money...and I am no stranger to forking out ALLOTTA money, but that seems a pretty steep premium. And from a IP perspective it feels a little more ouch because WE would LOOOVE to be breast feeding our babies...for the amazing health benefits, but also for the bonding experience. And I guess what it comes down to for ME, is that despite those great benefits, we could not afford to pay that kind of premium for breast milk. With the amount that Nickole is pumping for us, at that rate, it would cost us $40/day. Formula costs $4/day, and that's the convenient (read more expensive) stuff. I know breast milk is the best, no question, but formulas are amazing these days. Bottom line it would most definitely force us to have to choose formula over breast milk and I guess it just feels a little like, "if you want it, you're gonna have to pay for it." Or, ok charge a little less for god's sake!! It's extortionate! $1,200 a month, in our case.

I don't know - maybe my perspective is completely off the norm...after all everyone in the world seemed shocked that we had not had a single problem, and I think it came down to the fact that we respected each other and became friends. We did not nickel and dime Nickole and she was never greedy. She accepted everything graciously, but no matter what we did for her, her gift to us was worth much much more. We had a running joke where she would say, "thanks for lunch!" and I would follow that with, "thanks for having our babies!" lol

Back to Nickole and the forum. The fight ensued and someone said she was "stupid" for not charging. I can just see them (as with all forums) sitting behind their keyboards having fun attempting to bring her down a notch. They probably don't like her because our arrangement was rosy. I think I know a few things about Nickole now... most of them fall in the above and beyond the call of duty category, but one other thing I know about Nickole is that you WILL NOT take advantage of her. I dare you to try it and you just see what happens.

The "woman" said she charged $1.25 per oz. and Nickole argued that if it were not for the baby she had given birth to she would not even have it so charging any amount was stupid and ..."wow the pumping for 15 minutes every 4 hours must kill you." The surrogates then ganged up on her and said she was stupid for not charging and so she told them all what she thought of them and left the board.

I feel badly that she was attacked on the boards - we've all been there and it's definitely no fun - especially when people suggest we are being taken for a ride... Regardless of anyone's opinion, or their arrangement, or what's in contracts, or what the "going thing" is, Nickole OFFERED to pump for the twins she cared for for 9 months. She knows the benefits of breast milk and wants our babies to take hers. Yes, she's a saint for doing this. Full stop. She is awesome and those girls are assholes for saying anything other than, "wow, you are doing that for those people? You truly are exactly what a surrogate mother should be."

Introducing Elliot and Alexander!

Our little Princess Elliot Rose


And our little man Alexander James


Moments after the C-Sec




The twins are finally home and OMG are they adorable or WHAT! I just cannot believe how perfect and gorgeous their little bodies are, and more than that, I can't even begin to understand how someone can love another being so instantly and completely, right from the moment they come into your life. I know a lot of people have said they didn't get that instant love connection thing, but I think that had everything to do with the plummeting "happy" hormone that goes along with pregnancy, and also healing their own body in the process, feeling the pain of labor, or healing from a C-sec. I had to go to great lengths not to have any of those things to deal with!!! so we'll call it one of the upsides to surrogacy.

We arrived at the hospital for our "scheduled" C-sec for 9am... but were quickly informed we were delayed due to the unexpected high volume of women who came in throughout the night. We were taken to a very large birthing room, and Nickole, Jon, Chris and I got comfy in some fancy hospital recliners. Jon and Chris chatted about driving over Zombies and something about angry birds, while Nickole and I chatted about aches and kicks and the excitement of it all. The nurses were amazing, and assured Nickole that the doctor performing the C (Dr. Corby) was an excellent doc (female) and not to worry at all she would be well taken care of.

At about 11:15 they started an IV on Nickole, which WASN'T fun, but they got it the 2nd time around - what is it about getting an IV that is so horribly awful and never a success on the first attempt? The nurse didn't make a connection with a vein, although she thought she may have, so the saline started dripping, but it shattered the vein and Nickole's arm started to swell up and BURN. Not at all fun for Nickole. But we finally managed to get a good one in and she got taken away to be prepped for surgery. A few minutes later they brought me in, only to find a jam packed delivery room, and a very upset Nickole who after having the injection into her spine, took one whiff of the oxygen and threw up. She was NOT happy, but I think seeing me there put her at ease a little. I held her hand as they announced Baby A - it's a girl!... and then I promptly burst into tears (obviously). Nickole looked at me so happy to give this gift...she is truly an amazing person. Then as I was bawling over the birth of my baby girl, Nickole squeezed my hand and said, "hey! Baby B is coming!" and then they announced Baby is a Boy!! It all happened so fast but I try to go back to that 15 minutes and relive it in my head... it chokes me up every time. Nickole knew all along what the babies were going to be and knew we would be so happy with that. I'm sure she was relieved that the long-held secret was finally out! She said it was no easy feat keeping it all mum for 6 months!

The swarm of nurses then ensued as they did all of their preliminary testing and probing. The babies were so good and responsive... they did not need to be taken to NICU because they were PERFECT. They still are.

We then were all taken to a large room so that we could all sit and marvel at what we'd accomplished. We were happy to be there with Nickole and Jon - I could not have imagined sending Nickole off after all she had done for us. I think it also helped ease the transition of her letting go of the babies, which cannot be easy, even for Nickole who said she'd be a-ok. She got to hold them both and finally say hello to the little ones she'd held so safe and sound in her body for so long. Honestly, I want everyone to know just how wonderful that woman is...and her supportive husband. They are truly amazing people with hearts of gold. When I think about what she sacrificed (her body, her time, her family's time, her life) to be able to give us... I just can't wrap my head around exactly WHAT kind of person it takes to do that. She is so awesome and our time together could not have gone better. There is not one thing to complain about...and apparently that is a RARE thing in the world of surrogacy. Add to that she has 10 bags of frozen breast milk just waiting for us. I know right?!!!

We then were separated so that Nickole could heal her body and see her kids, and we could have some alone time with our new family. We spent 2 nights in the hospital getting to know our little ones, and learning so much from the nurses who were absolutely fantastic. They were not worried about us though... said we were doing amazingly well. Funny how that thing kicks in and you just go to it.

So there you go - one amazing birth story.

We are completely and utterly head over heals in love.

It's all been about this moment...

It's Friday night, October 6th, and our babies will be born tomorrow. How nuts is that??? This whole crazy blog, if you've been reading, has been about the struggle to have a family, whatever way possible, and here we are (albeit still in denial) about to be parents. Us! Parents!! The word of the year is "craaaazy."

I can't believe the overwhelming excitement from all of our friends and family - you are all truly amazing people. Someone said to me today, "what does it feel like to know that people all over Canada, the US and Europe are cheering for you?" I mean WOW! Yeah...it feels absolutely amazing! It truly does...and I don't think I can adequately thank you for just how much you've cared, and how kind your emails and posts have been. You never gave up on us, you never got tired of hearing the broken record.

And without my little world of support would we be here? I know without a doubt that I had a goal and I wasn't going to stop until I had a baby...but I can't deny there were dark times when the hope was fading rapidly... and that's when you would swoop in and not take no for an answer.

How do I feel right now? Physically...well unfortunately I'm PMSing which doesn't help the emotional roller coaster I'm on. I slept terribly last night because I either have a bad cold, or terrible allergies. I have that awful exhausted run down feeling and today I felt like I hit a brick wall. I got the shivers and had to wrap myself in a blanket and lie down. lololol!! This is NOT how I want to feel on the eve of never sleeping again (which I believe every.single.person has said). I was going to write "what every.single.person has "joked about"", but I don't think anyone is really joking about it, despite the laughs that go with that statement! I think it's more of a "oh just you wait little miss do whatever you want, cook all day with a glass of wine and sleep until 10" laugh.

Emotionally...it is still (the other word of the year) "surreal" that we are collecting two babies tomorrow. 9am Nickole will have a C-section and we will welcome our babies into the world. I'm excited, and nervous, and scared. But beyond everything, I just want to get to the holding our babies part. The part where they place them in your arms and it hits you in the back of your throat...

We have waited so long for these babies to come into our lives, and now here they are.

I just can't wait to bring you home.

Updates!

So today is 35 weeks and 3 days and we are all on pins and needles. Nickole has been back to the Labor Assessment Unit for extreme pain in her back. Having not experienced twins before I think she's nervous as to what's what - what level of pain means what? It's hard because she is having contractions, she is dilated, but the doc's keep sending her home. I feel so so much for her, this cannot be easy...and although she knew twins was a big possibility, I don't think she (or I) anticipated how debilitating it would be near the end. She's so close, but each day is so much pain. I only hope she can find some relief and take it one day at a time... It's hard as well because I'm torn between the woman who is here, and the babies who are coming... I have a lot of admiration for Nickole -she's not just a surrogate, we CARE about her...her health & her family. We also want our babies cooking as long as possible!

Today we put the finishing touches on the babies' room. God...we have been so fortunate and have been showered with gifts from so many loving friends and family... I feel like so many people helped to create that space... these babies are already so loved...they are so special.

The Babies are Coming...Very Very Soon!

Here we are at 34 weeks and 4 days! We had a quick visit to the hospital today because Nickole's contractions had gone from every 20 minutes to every 5 minutes...but despite the contractions (which were measuring about every 8 minutes at the hospital) she was sent home because she is not dilated. We had a bit of an odd doctor who we are convinced couldn't see the monitor and it's readings because her surgery hat was so low it was basically covering her eyes. Yes, odd. But anyway, we were sent home for today and tomorrow we'll go back for our routine ultrasound and visit with Dr. Smith who Nickole will be relieved to see.

We're not certain, but we think the babies are probably still breach, and I've learned that if they haven't flipped by this time, then they probably won't...so we're likely looking at a C-sec at 36 weeks, if Nickole gets to 36 weeks (god bless her wee bum).

So that's the update! Still don't know what the little jam eaters are and a friend of mine called me today in a frenzy because SHE REALIZED THAT SHE JUST CANNOT STAND IT ANY LONGER AND CAN'T BELIEVE WE STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT THESE BABIES ARE. I am also in shock that I don't know what they will be, but oooh it makes it so much more fun!

xo

32 Weeks and Counting! Official Update

Uh…yes, hello? Is it ok if I come in? Sorry I’m late. Oh, uuuh…you look a little… irritated…tapping your foot like that, but I got held up with a lot of stuff…some emotional stuff too.

It’s been a busy busy summer, and even though I thought fall would never come, it arrived in a flash because we have not stopped for months. Since the beginning of April we have been preparing for twins,, but not just the kind where you put two cribs together, we have been demo-ing the house and rebuilding it. The basement was gutted to the bones, and rebuilt into a cozy basement with entertainment center, plush carpet and open space. A brand new bathroom was also created with gorgeous tiled shower and space for washer/dryer. God do we love that new space. On the heels of completing that work, we put in new carpet upstairs on the top floor - the bedroom floor. One would think it’s no big deal and that they can install carpet in a few hours, but it’s the preparation before and after that’s exhausting. Everything had to be off the floor, off the walls, doors removed, closets emptied to 4 feet high. Everything was piled up downstairs in our livingroom…and stayed there for weeks making me feel like I could be on an episode of “Hoarders: Buried Alive”. I could have put it all back together fairly easily, but it was a great opportunity to start from scratch and put only what we wanted back upstairs. Plus we were creating a new room upstairs – a twin nursery. Once I have the room more or less done (although no doubt finally knowing the genders will influence the final look/colors of the room) I will take a few pictures.

I think I may have had a bit of depression over the summer. Part of me thinks the reno’s kept me busy, but part of me thinks it might have been better for me to have had this time to grieve the end of a 6 year battle with IF. Yes, we fought hard. Yes, we overcame. Yes, we are about to finally have the family we have always dreamed of … but it all came with a price. I didn’t get pregnant ever. We spent thousands and thousands of dollars on failed treatments. I never carried a child. I won’t have a child who shares my genetics. Despite spending 5 months preparing for adoption, we never ever received a phone call…which hurt me tremendously. All of these emotions that have been slowly simmering over the years I have had to put out of mind to focus on what’s next. Every time something failed, I would pick my chin up and move forward. There wasn’t any time to pout or process…we needed to keep moving forward, and this helped by giving me something to focus on, other than failure. But once we finally succeeded, I was not filled with elation. There were a lot of sad feelings there… I’m sure the people closest to me thought I was nuts – that this should be the happiest time of my life! What’s wrong with you?!! I didn’t feel that way at times…I wanted to cry when people talked excitedly about it. And I understand people’s excitement – we have had so many people cheering us on for so many years it could only have been expected that our entire world would be cheering and jumping up and down for us. But I couldn’t expect people to understand that despite this incredible joy, six years of fight fight fight was brought to an end …and with that came an overwhelming flooding of emotions and sadness I could no longer ignore...or hide.

I’m feeling good though… I feel like I’ve worked through it on my own, although I probably could have used professional assistance!!! But walking by the babies’ room and inhaling that baby detergent smell on their fresh clean sheets has me melting at the thought of two little babies, MY babies, coming home to their beds. I am so excited to meet these little ones that I have worked so hard on bringing into this world. I am so proud of what we have created for ourselves and our families. I am an IF survivor.

Nickole has been the best surrogate a couple like us could possibly ask for. There is not a shred of doubt in my mind that she wasn’t the perfect person for this role. Not only has she given us the greatest gift of all, she has also given us peace of mind that these babies have been given the healthiest possible start to their lives. Nickole is the picture of health and has handled this pregnancy like a champ, even though I know the days are rough for her, and the nights rougher. She has been having trouble sleeping. Amac likes to party in her ribs at night and Bmac likes to torture her with what feels like “Indian Rug Burn”. She has been sleeping on the couch, propped up – that is what she finds most comfortable to get a few quick zzzzz’s. It can’t help that 4 year old, M thinks it’s morning and time to play…at 4:30am.

The babies (at 31 weeks give or take a day) were measuring an impressive 3.5 lb’s each and the hope is that for the next 6 weeks they will grow .5 lb per week, resulting in a birth weight of 6.5 lb’s. That would be absolutely fantastic…and I keep everything crossed that the babies and Nickole can make it to 38 weeks. I believe the doc mentioned that he would not take Nickole beyond 38 weeks as there is no benefit at that point, only risk.

Ok so there is your official update! Thank you so much to those of you who have been “prodding” me for an update. I appreciate your curiosity and concern and feel so loved when I get a reminder update. Promise to post more as we hope to be finished everything this weekend and can just relax and rest up before the chaos hits! I can’t wait!

I hate to reply on top of the last post...

But I must explain myself. First of all, how adorable is Nickole! I mean you cannot get more gorgeous than that, and no wonder she gets compliments all the time. Not only is she cute as a church mouse, but she is doing this incredibly amazing thing and one can't deny it must be a wonderful feeling to tell people what she is doing for a couple who simply had no other way. I adore the pants off of her (even though I think she might have outgrown most of her pants). Chris and I stared at her picture for a long time...going "wow - she's carrying our little babies! Look!! They are right in there!!" I said, they are coming from there (point to belly on screen) to US (point to both of us). He said jokingly, "they are coming to YOU." He does this all the time, pretends that he's just along for the ride, but I know he will make the most AMAZING father...I have always known this, and he will embrace it just as much as I will... he is just toying with me. Lol it is funny to hear him act all calm and confident like "piece of cake" when I know he is quietly dealing with the on-set of his new reality. Nothing like jumping right in which is no doubt his approach.

The reason for my (no excuses) absence, is "Renovation Heaven" read Renovation Hell. It is finally coming together though and I can almost taste the end. By next weekend I think we'll be relaxing on the new sectional. This will become Chris's permanent man cave and no doubt I will not see him in the bed for a couple of months. Let's call it a long cool slumber before the chaos hits.

So today we are 25 weeks on the nose...according to my handy dandy ticker, and in two weeks we'll be joining Nickole for another u/s. By the way, SHE KNOWS! She knows the sexes of the babies because she's been there done that and caught a few tell tale glimpses of the u/s. All I see, other than beautiful heads and spines and toes, is blobs, and I have no idea what means what... but this is a "perk" of being a surrogate and she can bask in the glow of knowing...

We're so grateful to have met our Nickole.

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 5

Hello All Again,

I know it has been just over a month from the last blog post.... and Lisa has been up to her eyeballs in renovation heaven LOL.

So it is now t minus 105 days til due date, and 84 days til full term. The belly is still rocking - babies are very active and a new development is the 2:30AM party that I am so not destined to sleep through. I guess that is a good thing because it seems that my bladder is not on the VIP list and gets the boot. Not sure how the hubby would like it if I could sleep through that...I may find it a little funny but I'm sure it would be a short lived ha ha.

Here is a photo of what I look like today (July 13th).

I am having a great summer so far, however I am discovering that carrying twins is sooooo much different that just one. I know I am only 25 weeks but I am the size of someone who should be giving birth SOON lol so I guess it is to be expected that I feel kinda heavy.

On the up side, I am getting lots of people complimenting me on how good I look. (Always fun)

Thank you all for the blog comments.

Thanks S and Dmac!

So the story of the cribs continues... I had an opportunity to purchase 2 gorgeous Pottery Barn cribs that were on sale, but I guess they sold out lickidy split because when I went ahead to purchase, they were no longer listed. I worried that we would not find the right cribs, for the right price, in time for the babies.

Chris's mom, Sharon, happened to be passing by a "gently used" baby store, and came across 2 perfect, barely used bassinets that were going for a bargain, so she bought them for us! They are super cute, and in mint condition.

Who doesn't love Nickole's post below? I love talking to her and hearing all the updates. I'm glad the babies are safe and sound in her belly, but I can't deny I wish I could feel all that she feels. Such is life! She has really popped (even more so!) since our ultrasound last week. The babies are doing great - measuring on target and at the same rate. I'm convinced B-mac is a boy... not only does he party at night (like Chris), he LOOKS like him - no kidding! A-mac is a morning person (like me :-) so that is our baby girl...well who knows really - it is all too exciting! Like I've said a million times, I don't care what combination we get, we just want 2 happy healthy little bouncing babies.

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

I sound like a broken record when I talk about Nickole and how grateful we are... I mean how could we not? She is giving us the most incredible thing! (things! lol)

(I hope she continues to be comfortable, and enjoy this pregnancy... I want nothing more than for this to be an incredible experience for her...)

and ps - your friend can meet the babies when we visit. xx


ETA: WAIT WAIT WAIT!! I got them mixed up (seriously? already?) Amac looks like Chris... and is the "morning" twin... B-mac I think is the girl... oh well like I've said, who knows! But Amac - just look at that profile - it is CHRIS! LOL

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 4

Hello again,
So we have made it past the half way marker and all is well. My current size is about the size I was at 7, maybe 7.5 months with my middle child (respectively about 136lbs) so... all and all not too bad considering there are two perfect looking buns in the oven...

BTW did I mention that today is our 20 week marker?!

The babies are very active... Bmac likes to have wild mac daddy partys before bed and Amac is super happy in the morning, so only one side of me is normally bouncing around at a time. ...and dare I say it, both enjoy classic rock so car rides with loud music are always fun.

I am enjoying the warm weather thank goodness it's about time...all the cold and rain was starting to get me down.

We are looking forward to the summer fun...beach, camping, ice cream... okay okay the camping this year may be a bit of a challenge but who doesn't love an adventure and my children are at that perfect age to do camping things, without all the baggage that comes with infant children.

I am getting a lot of strangers asking me when I am due... when I tell them end of Oct, the look on their faces...... well as the say on TV, priceless, maybe I should start taking pics.

I have gotten a ton of support from everyone around me... friends, neighbors, my daughter's school etc.... Just today my friend next door stood petting me like a Buddha and like a smack it hit her and she said, "I will never see the babies in your belly, that's going to feel a bit strange." I was a little surprised that this is the first time it dawned on her.

My children think it is cool that the babies can hear them now so they are always talking to them... It's kinda funny to hear them say, "goodnight Lisa's babies
sleep tight and no fighting!" lol, or "excuse me babies I am going to snuggle with my mommy now okay...because she's MY mommy."

Each day even if I am in leg cramp hell or too tired to move one more inch, I take a moment to think about what a gift my children are to my family and I am so happy that I can help give that gift to Lisa and Chris.

Please excuse the pics they are not that great but they will do in a pinch.

Take care everyone.

18 weeks, 5 days!!

What a great day! As usual we had a great visit with Nickole who is always in a bloody fantastic mood...which makes this arrangement just so much more wonderful and easy. Isn't she just a button! "Cute as a button" I kept telling her...she really is...as cute as a button.

A-mac and B-mac are measuring right on target and are completely in sync size wise, which is AMAZING. Dr. Smith was thrilled with the u/s results and said there is nothing to worry about at this point. We couldn't have had a better day - seeing our babies on the monitor, knowing we will be holding them close not too long from now. It really felt REAL today - like all the "this is surreal" feelings are starting to slip away, and reality is setting in in a big way. We're just so darn happy and excited!

Ok... and to be fair to Nickole, because I don't think I've ever posted my mug on this thing... here's a pic of me all smiles checking out the u/s pics.

TWINS! Almost 17 Weeks

Hello everyone – sorry the pauses between posts seem to be growing longer …but bear with me through these GRATEFULLY UNEVENTFUL months. At this point no news is good news.

Our little bubbabaloos are still growing away …and Nickole’s tummy is growing slowly but surely. I am anxious to get to the next scan so we can be reassured that everything is right on track. Thankfully we have one in two weeks…so we can see our little people again.

NO WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE SEXES! Lol – everyone is up in arms about this, well some people are and you know who you are!!! but our families seem to agree with our decision. There is something so special about being surprised and also, it is one of the few things Chris and I have the ultimate say in. We both feel it will make the birth of our babies just that much more exciting and special… I don’t know…I love the idea of being surprised… Boy boy??? Girl Girl?? Boy Girl?? Who knows! I am thrilled for any combination. Honestly, no preference whatsoever.

And yes: It IS one of the last few surprises left in life. I will give you that line!

Nickole is doing great. A trooper throughout, and very knowledgeable and “take charge” which has worked out well for us considering our limited knowledge on pregnancies and what needs to be done when. I’m sure had I experienced a pregnancy myself, it would be a little easier to get the gist of tests and u/s… You know when you do something yourself, it just sinks in a little more. But being on the sidelines it’s great to have someone who can relay the information to us in an informed way.

Work has come back with the decision not to pay me the company top ups. Disgusting and pathetic. I no longer feel the loyal employee, like I have for the past 12 years. Nope.

It’s funny…but I seem to have really warmed up to the idea of twins. Don’t get me wrong, I always wanted twins, but when it hits you for the first time that you ARE having them, the reality of it all comes crashing in and it takes a little while to wrap ones head around it. But I’ve really come around to it… and I am no longer hyper ventilating…no longer fretting about the amount of space we have, the lack of money we’ll have.

I just LOVE the idea of twins right now – and having one would only seem strange…

…like buying one shoe.

13 weeks and 2 days pregnant!

Hi again!

Had a great chat with Nickole this morning. She being mom, a.k.a., the ultimate multi-tasker, talked to me on phone, changed E's diaper, juggled Clementines with M, all the while preparing them to leave the house. I think she was also knitting an afghan whilst flipping flapjacks. I wonder, just how many arms does she have? Between motherly duties, she also managed (how I'm not sure) another couple of pics for your viewing pleasure. I can't deny I felt a wave of emotion looking at them. Our little ones are in there, growing away and getting ready to meet their mum and dad. I can't wait!

On a funny note, Nickole and I talked endlessly about how she was packing the kids up to go to Toys R' Us to buy a birthday present for a birthday tomorrow. I know it was "one of those mornings" where the kids sabotaged her every attempt to get ready in a reasonable amount of time. She finally succeeded, strapped them in the car, and took the long drive to Toys R' Us...only to realize it was Good Friday. OOPS! I admit I feel a smidgeon of guilt myself that I did not realize this and save her the trouble. It literally did not cross my mind. I know I'm not the one who's pregnant, but I am definitely suffering the "baby brain" everyone speaks of. Wait...what was I saying?

I'm in Baby Heaven (12 weeks)

Hello my friends! Yesterday Nickole and I went for an ultrasound at the clinic...to see two beautiful little babies! Omg I still can't believe how incredible they are - it still feels a little like I'm in a dream, about to ABRUPTLY be awakened (and kept awake...for many months) but seeing those little babies swimming around in Nickole's belly made this all feel so much more real. They are so fully formed, and Amac (Baby A) was doing the Funky Chicken - her limbs were all over the place... Bmac (Baby B, obviously) was just floating around, like he was on the moon...

I don't know why I think of Amac as a girl and Bmac as a boy...maybe it's because my mother suggested Amac was a girl, or maybe it is because the original Bmac is Brian...my brother in law... Bmac Senior. He's a boy.

Nickole contacted me today to say that the high risk OBG had called her and told her that "everything looks great". She was told to book another u/s at the same clinic in 4 weeks time, just to ensure they continue to grow at the same rate. Then we will go again around 18-20 weeks.

I asked Nickole if her mommy intuition was telling her that everything was right on track, no problems, and she said, "yes, the mommy in me is saying we are a-ok". The mummy in me feels the same way. I am confident my babies are doing very well.

I felt proud like a proud mom for the first time ever today. It felt great!

Life Lessons

Ok so you'd think that I probably would have suffered my fair share of "life lessons" by now, yes? No. The universe is not done with me yet, don't be getting all excited for nothing. Apparently now I have to withstand stingy wounds as well...salty ones. The company I have worked for for 12 years (and I picture them smugly shrugging whilst referencing the Collective Agreement) is not required to pay me for my leave, as I am not the "BIRTH MOTHER". Well...what can I say? They have me by the...

I shouldn't really blame management, but in a way I do. They have the power to make things right. They have the power to do the right thing. They choose to look at the C.A. and use it as a way out.

No, I didn't give birth, but the financial burden is the same for me as it is for a woman giving birth. Are we saying that women who can give birth get more money? How come? Are we financially rewarding only the women who can get pregnant themselves? What about the many other ways people create families? Do they not deserve financial assistance from their companies as well? After all we're all taking babies home from the hospital...we're all off for the same amount of time, we're all just trying to raise a family.

Screw them and their semantics. And you better believe I'm adding it to the agenda come bargaining.

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 3

Nickole almost 8 weeks (March 14th) & then again at 10 weeks (March 31st)









Hello Again,

So according to Today's parent web site... The week by week guide that I signed up for to keep track of things, I am past the 10th week and in to the 11th week so it does not surprise me that today the babies started to have movements that I can feel. Seems a little more real now... I was so excited that I had to text Lisa and get her out of bed at stupid o-clock in the morning.


This is the info the web site gives me for week during week 11.

Stages Development Guide

Your pregnancy: Week 11

your baby

• Your baby is about the size of a small lime now. He weighs about 8g (0.3 oz) and he's about 44 to 66 mm (1.8 to 2.4 in) long, from the crown of his head to his buttocks. But not for long. He's entering a period of rapid growth. Over the next three weeks, he will double in length!

• Your baby has become quite an active little guy, kicking and swallowing away inside your womb.

• His fingernails have formed and his external genitals are beginning to develop now. In three weeks, your baby's development into a boy or girl will be complete.

The waiting's un-BEAR-able

...he whispered as I walked by. So he came home with me.

I'm having one of those nights...

I finish work, I walk to the gym, I work out, I head home, I make dinner. I'm in automatic pilot.

Until it hits me.

I'm going to be a mom.

I don't know what it's like for women who decide to have a family and become pregnant easily. I think although it would be wonderful to them, and exciting to them, it might be slightly less dramatic and a little bit more, "great - things are going according to plan."

For me it was months of negatives, years of horrible fertility treatments, a "blip" with adoption, and the sinking feeling being a mom was not in the cards. And I've felt that way for years...especially as I watched every single person I've ever known run circles around me. You know those commercials where you see the person in the middle, almost as if in slow motion, while the world spins frantically around them? That was me for 5 years. And sure 5 years may not seem so long when you're 30, but we weren't - we were 36-41...and options were closing in.

It's the strangest thing. Someone might say, "you NEVER gave up!" but I did... Sure I went through the motions, but I honestly never thought a pregnancy would occur and that we'd be taking a baby home. My mind just wouldn't go there anymore...it seemed impossible. Our efforts were waning.

Yet here we are. And I find it absolutely surreal. Does everyone else feel that way? Or is it just me? I can't believe family is becoming my reality...even as I type this, they grow exponentially...into our little babies...our family. What will they be like? What sexes will they be? What color will their hair be, their eyes? Will they look alike, will their personalities be opposite?

I never thought this would happen for us...and it is...it's really happening! And it's happening in a doubly wonderful way.

I can't wait to meet our brand new family.

Donor Egg Experiences

When you finally muster the strength to go the donor egg route, you expect, or at the very least, HOPE that your young and fruitful donor will provide you with an army of strong mature eggs. I'm learning more and more that this is not always the case, in fact, I hear more horror stories than success stories.

Is it that in the US they have legalized egg donation and that more and more agencies are cashing in? Do they do their due diligence with respect to testing and monitoring of the donors? Do IP's put all their hopes and dreams into one single cycle, and WHY do we do that? We all know that any woman regardless of age can have an "off" cycle. I hear more and more the price of "good "donors rising, in some cases to the sum of $20,000 - all for one batch of good eggs...you hope. I think we're all in agreement that this is simply extortion. And unfortunately there's no guarantees. But more and more I hear about how the cycle was a "bust". That they retrieved 15 eggs, but only 8 of them were mature, and only 1 of them survived. For the amount of emotional energy, money and hope that goes into a donor cycle, that is a devastating loss. And the more I read about these nightmare stories, the more I appreciate our experience.

To my lovely donor S, we love you, and think of you often. You have given us so very much, and for that we will be forever grateful. Here is to you my dear, and your open heart. May the generosity you have shown your fellow Canadians ;-) come back to you in unbelievable ways. And times 100.

I love shopping...

But I am definitely out of my element here. As our babies continue to grow in the lovely Nickole's belly, I find myself sneaking onto the internet to see what's out there in the world of baby. Note to self - start something, ANYTHING, baby and make an absolute fortune.

Here is what I've discovered so far. Necessities range from regular expensive to holy crap expensive, and there's not a whole lot in between. And I probably don't need to mention that I'm drawn to the most expensive because that's just how I roll. The first stroller I liked was $595... I thought that was the most expensive one, or at least it must be close to the most expensive one right? No, it's fairly standard actually...middle of the road. I'm wondering if I can get a "stroller loan", similar to how one gets a car loan. And one crib I clicked on that looked very decent and not really that unlike the other three hundred I viewed was $5,500. That's when I started to sweat. Thankfully I have seen much more reasonable cribs...because for a second there I thought they all cost that much. I thought well if that's the case they can share a crib until they are 13. Infant car seats that apparently click in and out of everything - that will run you another $400... oh and don't forget to double everything!

We can easily drop a few grand in the next little while. You think I'm complaining don't you? I'm not, I'm excited! These are not purchases I need to justify, like a 3rd pair of strappy wedges (which I really do need by the way)...these are mandatory things my babies need.

And what baby wants, baby gets.

Here is a picture of a room I fell in love with - we're trying to create a cute gender neutral space for our babies, because their sexes will be a surprise for everyone...us included. I just love the look and I think we can pull it together nicely.

Tales from the "Been There Done That"...er 40 years ago

Here's my favorite American Dad telling on his 4 year old grandson...What a hilarious account...I couldn't help but share.

"Daughter in law left for Chicago this am on business, but left instructions on how to handle the kids (can't be done). I was given the keys to an Infinity, but it has 100,000 miles on it, and as many buttons. The little boy tells me he goes to McDonald's all the time...so to kill time I take him. Have no idea where it is, but he tells me. Have no idea how to order anything at McD's except a senior coffee. He gets that order which costs $8 but has some kind of a toy in it, which i have no idea how to assemble. Decide to take him to the library and tell him it's ok to run and shout inside there. He tells me he's going to tell his mother on me. Home we head - have no idea where I am, but am too embarrassed to ask the 4 year old for directions. Finally find our way home and I tell him it's nap time. He says he "doesn't take 'cause he's a big boy". I check my watch and it's only noon and not 5PM."

Amac and Bmac...of course...

We thought long and hard about what we would call our little pumpkins while they are chilling out in Nickole's "Spa d'Uterus"...and came up with Thing One and Thing Two, which is fun and works because we won't know the sex...I'LL REPEAT THAT WE WILL NOT BE FINDING OUT THE SEXES!...but a friend of mine called today and she referred to Baby A and Baby B (which is what the clinics refer to them as) as Amac and Bmac. Well of COURSE they are Amac and Bmac! I am Lmac, and the man who started it all is Cmac.

So...Amac and Bmac are doing great! Amac is measuring 8 weeks and 5 days, with a heartbeat of 168 and Bmac is measuring 8 weeks and 4 days, with a heartbeat of 158. All is well and we could not be happier!!!

Thank you to Salla and Nickole for your generous hearts, and making our dreams of a family a reality.
xoxo

I think I Need to Go on Birth Control

Oh you laugh, but you weren't me, walking briskly towards home with a pregnancy test in fist (cheapest one I could find because really...who are we kidding?) I find it (only slightly) amusing that for the first time in my life I LITERALLY was praying that it wouldn't be positive...because you hear the stories all the time don't you? Stories of incredible odds after years of struggle...like, "Oh, my friend? She was done with fertility treatments, and decided to just live her life, and then BOOM, she got pregnant JUST LIKE THAT." Or my favorite, "our friends adopted a baby, and then 2 months later found out they were pregnant!" These stories are fascinating to the fertile, and ANNOYING to the infertile...especially when you know that's never going to be you. And what's even stranger, is that everyone knows someone like that!!! lol - You'd think being immersed in a world of women who blog about infertility on a DAILY BASIS, I'd know one!

In any event, I had to rule out a pregnancy because I like wine.

I don't think I need to announce the results.

And I don't think I need to say that I'm very much enjoying this chardonnay.

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 2

Hello everyone in blogging land,

Just a quick update form the nesting place… On Tuesday March 8th we found out that Lisa and Chris are going to be the parents of 2 wee ones ..all cozy side by side for the long haul in their little jelly bean looking water beds.

THE NEST IS NOW FULL

OMG I was so happy it was ONLY two….. I mean wow one would be easy come on I have done that one three times before, but hopefully having 2 in there will be about the same. Uncomplicated!

I guess this time labor and delivery will be the different factor. This is where having twins terrifies me…. C-section :-( ...weeks after delivery of living on the main floor of my home so as not to pop stitches.

How will I care for my family? More importantly …how will I rule the roust if I can’t even climb to the top??? Hummmm sounds like problem solving time.

When it’s all said and done it will all be well worth it to have helped Lisa and Chris complete their family.

I could not be happier that the universe put Lisa and Chris and myself on colliding paths they are the perfect people to take a journey with. They are by far the perfect example of the statement, "if at first you don’t succeed TRY, TRY again", and I love that.

As of right now I am feeling about the same as normal hungry enough to eat an entire breakfast buffet in the morning and too full to move in the evening …… lol not sure that will ever change.

I feel like I am expanding at an alarming rate however to look at me you would not say so…..my pants would say different ….. thank goodness pants can’t talk!

Thanks for reading!

Thing One and Thing Two...

OMG twins! We found out yesterday that Nickole is carrying two of our little bubs...all cozy up and comfy in her perfect little space. Seeing the heartbeat flicker on the monitor made me so excited I could have thrown up. That's the best way to describe it...and no, it's not very romantic or mother-like, but I'm just tellin' it like it is. It was the excitement and shock running through my body. It was like butterflies that felt like boulders...combined with a rush of excitement and the end of 6 years of disappointment. I can't deny I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop... But no this is going to work! The babies are growing right on target, and at exactly the same rate, with good strong heartbeats. I'm a very proud mummy right now.

Chris and I just watched a segment on the news about baby monitors and it's as if the report was made for us. I said, "omg, how are we going to DO this?" (joking of course) and his quick reply was, "I DON'T KNOW - WE'RE SCREWED!" lolol - he was joking too of course and said, "we're going to be awesome, we're 40!" lol - okaaay... Pros and cons I suppose.

Who would have thunk it? Me and Chris with 2 babies just like that. Enter Nickole, our little baby savior. Just so easy like, "meh, I get knocked up real quick y'all." Ok that's Britney Spears talking, not Nickole, but she's just as fertile. Our luck may suck when it comes to my body, but I sure did knock it out of the park when it came to the wonderful people we recruited to help make this happen. Yay team.

We have another ultrasound with Dr. A's clinic in 2 weeks and then we will be released to a high risk doctor at Credit Valley Hospital. This brings me great comfort, knowing that a high risk doctor will know exactly how to keep not only our babies safe, but Nickole, and will most likely be familiar with IVF and PERHAPS (if we're lucky) surrogacy. I hope that we have a doctor who can be a little more kind and empathetic than the doctors we've dealt with lately. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and had Dr. A. even mumbled, quietly, under his breath, the word "congratulations", I would have sung his praises. But he chose not to look me in the eye, be in one of his "moods" and talk to Nickole like I didn't exist. Oh, and this has nothing to do with Nickole...I love her for what she's doing for us, and that's the end of the story. But why is Dr. A such a Douche-bag? Why can't he just say, "congratulations...I know it's been a long and sometimes painful journey for you and Christopher." For god's sake - we have a surrogate and donor eggs - this doesn't warrant a little clinic celebration? To what lengths do people have to go to get a little "congrats" from him?

Like I said, I would love to be grateful for everything he's done for us, but at the same time, this success probably has little to do with this particular clinic, and everything to do with our lovely young donor, and wonderfully fertile surrogate...and we'll give a shout out to the endocrinologist, who did a bang-up job.

Oh wow...where did I go? This is supposed to be my shiny happy post...so I'm going to stay here, in the moment, and enjoy every little bit of it. I just had to get that off my chest...and I know it's early to be talking smack, and I hope I don't jinx it all, but I just thought it was important to stay honest, and speak my mind. This is my blog after all.

Nickole & Jon...well what can I say? They're the bomb. We could not have picked easier people to do this with - just so easy, and as I've said this a million times to describe Nickole, CHILL! She's like super chill and what could be better for my bubs, than to be in super chill tummy. Imagine Thing One and Thing Two in my boulder size butterfly tummy? See where I'm going with this? Not good... but we'll be good and ready to catch those babies, and we'll make the best parents EVER!

Can't wait...I just can't wait!

Oh, 40 weeks will be October 27th (sorry mum - a day off yours!!) but twins will likely be earlier than that. Hoping we can go as long as possible, but what will be will be.

Nickole has informed me that she's writing a blog report - so make sure to leave her some comments please!!! I know she'd love it.

I’ve been quiet recently, partly because I didn’t want to jinx anything, and partly because I am STUNNED! It’s a strange thing to have something finally work…it’s a strange high, and then you have to just get on with it. I think people were more excited than I was - or it might have appeared that way, but it was a protection thing. With everyone knowing at such an early stage, it was like, “Yes, I’m over the moon, but WAIT…’cause we’re not in the clear yet!!” I know it’s not a positive way to think, but remember where we’re coming from.

On Tuesday we accompany Nickole to the heartbeat ultra sound, and I think from that point, chances will be pretty good that we’re well on our way. I’m excited to know if it’s one or two! I know the chances of two are greater because of Nickole’s high numbers. I’d be beside myself with either option – I think Chris would prefer one…but he’s definitely up for the challenge of two…or let’s put it this way – he doesn’t have a choice!

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it a thing of beauty?!

Sorry it's taken me since Monday to post... Nickole called me early Monday morning after reading my "must wipe the counter tops again" post. She decided she would give it a shot, and low and behold, it came up good and strong and positive RIGHT AWAY! She's so cute - she texted me several times at 6:30 am, worried she would wake us up before the alarm. I wouldn't have cared if she called at 2am. She said she was up so early she didn't quite know what to do with herself...and then wrote, "call me, I have some questions."

I have to admit, I was hoping she had POAS, but I wasn't expecting it either because we had talked about when we would. We KNEW she could test on Monday, but it still might have been early...so I said it was up to her, but not to mention if she did, and she tested negative. She told me she just wouldn't POAS...problem solved.

But you see, Nickole has this uncanny ability to KNOW she's pregnant, and let's not forget that she's FERTILE AS ALL GET OUT, so she probably had a hunch, and went with it.

Anyway, I called her right away and she said "what are you doing right now?" I said I was "doing my eyebrows" lol - and she said, ok take the stick away from your eyes...because I have something to tell you." POSITIVE... OMG IT'S POSITIVE!!!! I screamed - like literally screamed...I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.. but then again, it's Nickole and she was like "shrug, I'm pregnant." Like easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Chris and I are OVER THE MOON!!!! And my emotions have taken me on an incredible journey. The emails, congratulations and support have been absolutely overwhelming, and I KNOW this is early days, but I decided a long time ago, to be an open book on this by having this blog, so no 12 week wait for us... how can I hold out on you now?

Ok sorry this is a real ramble of a post, but I just wanted you to know that we are absolutely overjoyed by this, and can't even believe it! We're going to be parents! And this unbelievable fact is something I thought might never happen.

We love our Nickole - she has been so incredible and supportive and excited...she feels like part of our family now...and forever will be.

More soon... but I just wanted to let you know the great news!

Please pray for Nickole and for us, that this pregnancy will thrive and our baby(ies) will grow and heartbeats will be seen, and fingers, toes, and everything else will come easily!

Love to you all!

This is Torture.

I guess I'll go wipe the kitchen counter tops again.

Yesterday Sucked

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally even though I didn't quite realize it until it was all but done. Just an off day, with a series of events that left me feeling pretty damn useless (like taking a huge mouthful of boiling water forgetting it wasn't cold and burning my entire mouth, to dropping just about everything I picked up). The girls at worked joked that I should just go home, wrap myself in bubble wrap, and call it a day. I guess as much as I tried to put all of this out of my mind to concentrate on work, it loomed somewhere behind the surface... Fortunately my work does not involve danger... just ugly carpet and padded cubicles.

Today is a brand new day though and I don't have to work! And I'm proud to announce that a tiny morsel of me thinks, this could really be happening! I feel terrible for posting negative thoughts, but such is life. I can't always be expected to be chippy and optimistic...

Just another day closer to the big test... Today I can't deny it, it's exciting.

The Game of Emotions

I've gotten so many great emails - you are all so excited and can't contain yourselves, and I am so grateful for the support.

I know this is such a great shot...I KNOW this, but you have to understand that I have had nothing but disappointment for 6 long years. And as much as I want to jump on the "OMG THIS IS IT!" bandwagon, I can't...because I just can't. I know the chances are good. I know that putting 25 year old embryos into a surrogate with a perfect uterus bumps our chances substantially, but falling on the "wrong side of the stats" for so many years has ruined my ability to be optimistic.

I hate to sound so down about it all. I hope that when Nickole reads this she understands...it has nothing to do with being grateful, for which I am incredibly...it's just that this infertility disappointment shit gets in the way. I'm officially broken down by it.

But I do know, outside of me and my mind, that our chances are good - BETTER than 50/50, but 50/50 is where I stay...kindof like roulette. It's either red or black, red or black.

Transfer Day!

Well today went really well. We arrived at the clinic on time, even though Dr. A was 45 minutes late. Poor Nickole had a full bladder and was becoming more and more uncomfortable...but she is such a trooper. She was told she could "go a little" if she needed to, but joked that after having 3 kids, if she let the floodgates go, there was no turning back. Eventually she had to just try, and Dr. A said not to worry about it too much. I know what it's like to "half pee" - its almost worse, but it does alleviate a little bit of pressure.

We finally got taken to the room, where Dr. A explained the embryo situation. The top and bottom embryos are good blasts, the bottom one being the stronger of the two. I am officially saying that bottom embie is a boy and top embie is a girl. The two in the middle (one on top of the other) Dr. A said were likely not going to make it, and the outer two he wanted to put in as well, for a total of 4! Nickole and I agreed that 3 was enough thank you very much, because we did not want our own reality show, so we said, no, let's stick with 3 and so Dr. A. told the embryologist to pick the stronger of the 2 (outer ones). Chris was happy we made this decision as well because we had discussed it at length...So 3 it is! Nickole was a trooper throughout the transfer, which I know can be a little uncomfortable, but she is never a complainer...I guess after delivering 3 kids, this is a walk in the park!

Very relieved and very thankful to be on this side of the transfer! It's been a long haul, and I so hope this will finally be the route we were meant to take!

Nickole is to start progesterone suppositories now (sorry Nickole) and on Thursday she goes for a progesterone check - to make sure she has enough to sustain the pregnancy...and then 9 days from now (next Thursday) she can take the blood test. I have left her in charge of testing...if she wants to test at home, she can, if she doesn't want to, and would rather wait for the bloodwork, that's fine too. I've told her if she DOES want to test at home, to only call me if it's positive lol! ...but I think she wants to wait... or at least that's what she's telling me for now...so I don't think "oh no, she's not calling because it's negative." Anyway, it is what it is at this point...it will either work or it won't - so no point wringing our hands for a week...although I know we all will!!

Tales from The Nesting Place - Chapter 1

Okay So I am not too familiar with posting blogs for everyone in the world to read but here it goes….

The Cole's notes version

Tomorrow I will embark on a journey of epic proportions (for some) that will hopefully change lives forever.

I LOVE BEING A MOM.it is by far my greatest accomplishment, Every day is fun an exciting you never know what’s going to happen, ONE BIG ADVENTURE!!!!!

They are just so darn CUTE..

All of my pregnancy’s were as enjoyable as being trapped with a giant beach ball attached to the front of you could be. But worth every min of itchy skin, back ache, leg pins and needles .etc……..(typical preggo stuff)

After my husband and I had our cutie pie M 4 years ago I told him that being a surrogate was something I would really like to do, I just thought I have such an easy time of it and I truly consider it a gift and gifts were meant to be shared.

We together decided to complete our own family before taking the idea of being a surrogate under consideration.

We decided to go ahead in October of 2010, so over the last few months I have had my insides view more time’s than ever before……. I did not even know that they had internal ultrasounds….. EAKKK NOT FUN but a necessary evil . AND blood work……omg. maybe the clinic is really a blood bank reserve for vampires…. (LOL just kidding)

I am so excited and frightened at the same time LIKE riding a roller coaster so excited to get aboard then wait in limbo as the cart moves along the track….. as you reach the peak (where it fun begins ) your heart, stomach and anything that felt the need to migrate north are now in your throat.

TOMORROW is my PEAK DAY!

I will apologize in advance that I am not nearly as entertaining in my writing as Lisa but I will try….from time to time.

Please Stay tuned form time to time for updates from…..

THE NESTING PLACE.

GREAT NEWS FROM THE PITRI DISH!

So...as it turns out, The Great Thaw of 2011 happened on Friday, not Thursday as we had thought. Got a call this morning from Marissa who happily gave us the news... here are the stats...

2 strains of embryos were thawed (3 embryos each)

2 of them are 8 cell, Grade 1 (you can't get any better than this)
3 of them are 8 cell, Grade 2 (still very very good)
1 of them is 7 cell, Grade 1 (excellent still!)

GO EMBIES GO!

Chris and I really can't contain our excitement and did a little happy dance in the kitchen after the call. Let's just say he's proud of his boys.

I just really hope this is the start of something wonderful.

Check back for more!!

No Fert Results...

No big surprise here.

The clinic said "after we defreeze the embryos, you will receive daily reports on how they are progressing." That would mean that after they took them out on Thursday, that FRIDAY I would receive the first report. It would have been an important milestone...to see if they survived the thaw and were thriving as they should be...but nope...no report yesterday. Like I said, no big surprise.

Hoping today will bring us some good news... and here's hoping I don't have to call them.

In other news, I have asked Nickole if she would be interested in writing a few words from her perspective. A friend of mine did this on her blog, and it was nice to read about the experience from the surrogate's point of view. So stay tuned for an update from Nickole. I think she is planning one for the transfer day. Can't wait to read it!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE HERE! OHMIGOSH

Nickole and I met yesterday at Union Station for her pre-transfer ultrasound and blood work. She decided to bring the kids in to the appointment, and as excited as I was to see them, I did have some butterflies knowing that I would be babysitting for the duration of Nickole's ultrasound. I pictured a really crowded waiting room full of bitter infertiles (they hate it when kids go to fertility clinics) and I pictured E in tears, screaming for his mommy, and M asking in a really loud voice, "WHY IS MOMMY HAVING YOU A BABY?" I can't lie, I was up at 3am running scenarios through my mind, like, "because my tummy is broken, but mummy's tummy works really good!" You know, it gets a little tricky sometimes... and kids just keep asking "why?" You know, "Why is it snowing?" "Because it's cold." "Why is it cold?" "Because it's winter time." "Why is it winter time?" "Because we have 4 seasons, and right now it's winter." "Why do we have seasons........" and so on and so on and so on. I am just glad that M was more interested in playing games, than being the first little person to ask questions.

I was super relieved when we ended up being the only people at the clinic. I shut the door to the waiting room and let them run around...in circles, with heavy boots on, until Dr. A came storming in and said "what's going on in here!?" M & E shrieked with delight, thinking Dr. A was having fun with them... but I think he was misunderstood... lol. Loves it. Just try and yell at me in front of them!

So let's get down to the nitty gritty. Nickole's ultrasound and blood work came back VERY good. Her lining is 13mm and it has the triple stripe pattern. What's that you ask? Who the hell knows, I just know you want it! She's also set to surge tomorrow which means tomorrow they will un-freeze 5 or 6 of our frozen embryos to grow them out to 5-day blastocysts. This is officially when the roller coaster of emotions kicks in, wondering from day to day if our babies will survive the thaw. Thankfully I am not all crazy and hopped up on Gonal-(bar)F like I have been in the past...although I am expecting my period any day now, so I shouldn't make promises I can't keep. I will be eating my way through this weekend.

Emotional update: Feeling cautiously optimistic.

Transfer Date - February 7, 2011

Day 3 with Nickole went very well. Picked her up at the Spadina subway and we walked to the clinic together... She had the usual blood drawn, and a vaginal ultrasound to see how things are looking, and apparently things are looking good. In the meantime, I had a chat with the doc. He said that a day 3 embryo transfer normally happens on Day 18 of a cycle, but because we are doing a Day 5 blastocyst transfer, it would occur on Day 20 (2 days later). That brings us to February 7th. Nickole did some blog digging to see what I was doing last year around this time, and discovered that the egg retrieval with Salla happened on February 7th. She wondered if this was a good sign... funny how it will be a year to almost the exact day... I'm glad that my transfer date last year doesn't land on the same date this year... just 'cause...well we know how that played out! I am not one for superstition or levels of luck anymore, I have to throw all of that out the window because luck does not appear to be on my side, and if I rely on it, it will give it more power. But for now I remain hopeful that with my body out of the picture, things will just happen as they should...and we'll finally get our pregnancy.

Don't get your knickers in a twist...

I realize now that the last post was perhaps a touch misleading. It dawned on me when droves of congratulatory emails started flooding in…ok really there was only one, but I should clarify…

No one is pregnant. I repeat. No one is pregnant...yet. I was just having innocent fun with a pregnancy calculator. Since we knew what Nickole’s potential "first day of last period" was (because God willing it might just be) I plugged it in to calculate a potential due date. See? Innocent fun, and kinda dumb. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

This is what being overly eager gets you...a world of confusion.

BUT please stand by because a transfer is looming. We probably won't know if we can pop the champagne (I can do that see - the upside of surrogacy) until a week or so into Feb...so keep your fingers and toes crossed for us please!!

My baby will be born on or around October 25th!

At least that's what the Pregnancy Due Date Calculator is telling me. Nickole is supposed to have a visit with AF today and if she does, then we're having a late October baby...or maybe late September twins?!!

Ps - although I would agree that buying an infant onsie, or an adorable pair of Robeez' to mark this occasion would feel like a complete and utter jinx, the due date calculator seems an innocent enough peek into the future, without getting cocky.

Things are about to get pretty freakin' crazy around here. Only about a week now until Nickole starts her cycle. Does anyone else feel like this limbo period has lasted an ice age?

I think everyone's been a little on edge. The waiting, the anticipation, the potential for over-the-moon elation, and also the potential for total disaster... Because I've always been an open book to anyone who's interested, everyone knows... and because of that, I sometimes feel like I'm in a stadium and all of you are the fans...waiting anxiously for that single moment when we score a goal...but game after game, you leave the stadium disappointed and in a not-so-celebratory mood - which sucks for you and sucks for me. I want, for once, the fans to go NUTS and leave the stadium like we've just won the playoffs.

Wouldn't that be nice? For a change?

And throw in the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Ok that one is even more lofty than my dream... let's leave that one for now.