Thursday, March 31, 2011

I'm having one of those nights...

I finish work, I walk to the gym, I work out, I head home, I make dinner. I'm in automatic pilot.

Until it hits me.

I'm going to be a mom.

I don't know what it's like for women who decide to have a family and become pregnant easily. I think although it would be wonderful to them, and exciting to them, it might be slightly less dramatic and a little bit more, "great - things are going according to plan."

For me it was months of negatives, years of horrible fertility treatments, a "blip" with adoption, and the sinking feeling being a mom was not in the cards. And I've felt that way for years...especially as I watched every single person I've ever known run circles around me. You know those commercials where you see the person in the middle, almost as if in slow motion, while the world spins frantically around them? That was me for 5 years. And sure 5 years may not seem so long when you're 30, but we weren't - we were 36-41...and options were closing in.

It's the strangest thing. Someone might say, "you NEVER gave up!" but I did... Sure I went through the motions, but I honestly never thought a pregnancy would occur and that we'd be taking a baby home. My mind just wouldn't go there seemed impossible. Our efforts were waning.

Yet here we are. And I find it absolutely surreal. Does everyone else feel that way? Or is it just me? I can't believe family is becoming my reality...even as I type this, they grow exponentially...into our little babies...our family. What will they be like? What sexes will they be? What color will their hair be, their eyes? Will they look alike, will their personalities be opposite?

I never thought this would happen for us...and it's really happening! And it's happening in a doubly wonderful way.

I can't wait to meet our brand new family.


Brenda said...

I love this post; you sound so happy, so hopeful!! When we found out that we were pregnant w/ twins (after years of fertility tx and then using DE), I wasn't sure if it was all really happening. Enjoy every minute of it!! :D

Anonymous said...

You deserve to be happy, you have worked for it and earned the right! You should take this blog and write a book, it would be a best seller! Of course if you don't do it now, you won't be able to do it for the next 20 years or so, and maybe not even then!!! LOL

leslie said...

yep yep yep..this post resonated with me...all of it. i can remember feeling jealous of potential moms who while maybe struggling with infertility issues still had the benefit of time. Not that youre "there" but i feel ya. (Im a lot older than you and I was decidedly "There" lol)

not sure if i made sense..but just know that i totally get you and am unbelievably excited for you and what to you might still feel so unreal.

luv you!!

Jill said...

Hi- I can't remember if I've ever posted on your blog but I have been following for a couple of months. Huge congrats! Our twins (through a surrogate) are 16 months now and I seriously ask myself everyday "is this real? - this can't really be happening - not to me!"

Yes, this can and does happen to people like us! :)

It's a wonderful thing- so happy for you!

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