The Thing about Blogging…

Is that in order for your readers to keep coming back for more, you have to capture them. You have to make it impossible for them to miss what’s going to happen next. It has to be entertaining, dynamic, funny, different… This blog is absolutely about showing you the lighter side of infertility, if such a thing exists.

So what happens when it’s not so funny? Is it still entertaining? I don’t think so, so I find myself more often than not finding the humour in something, even on a bad day. Well today I can’t find the humour in anything. I went to the clinic. Blood Wench was nice – told me I “looked pretty”. Fine, no blog fodder from her today. The ultrasound was the most depressing part because the tech said, “oooh, lining isn’t good.” I asked what it was and she said that it was 6mm, and it needed to be at least 7mm (I think best case scenario is a thick n’ juicy 10mm). When did I become such an under-achiever? This is just another bloody thing…now if I have any struggling embryos floating around, gasping for life, they don’t stand a chance burrowing into my weak and wilting uterus. It’s like “Tent City” in there. A pathetic and undesirable place to live.

Real funny stuff.

Snap Crackle Pop - OOOOOWE!!

I've always had ovulation cramping - sometimes so intense I can feel it happening. Well its happening right now except I'm ovulating X 5. I have 5-6 follicles that are breaking free...as much as this pleases me, I'm a doubled-over yard sale.

Nurse Bi-Polar was there during the IUI. She was all smiley, nice and concerned. I think I was staring at her funny because she said "are you ok?" I wanted to ask her "What happened? Are you being nice because the doctor is right there? Or is it that you are just not a morning person? Or did you read my blog and have realized you're a freakin' yo-yo?" But what came out was "cramps."

The procedure was a snap other than the searing pain down below from the cramping. It took no more than a couple of minutes. The doctor said "nice cervix!" and I was like "oh stop you! You're making me blush!", not that he could see my face.

Alright then - report back over the next few days for "IPS" (imaginary pregnancy symptoms).

The Grand Decision

So, received a call from Kyle, the IVF nurse (let it be duly noted that she is quite pleasant and I have taken a liking to her). She spoke to the doctor and he does not recommend going forward with the IVF this cycle. Its ok...this is what I predicted and what I have mentally prepared for. In a couple of months we shoot for a better cycle - a better response to the drugs and hopefully go forward with an IVF then. This just wasn't the right time.

But we're doing an IUI - first time I've been turkey basted...the odds aren't as good as an IVF, but you never know!

1. We have 3 follicles on the right - that's like 3 months worth of chances right there.
2. Chris is having a sperm wash - so they'll get rid of all the junk and keep the good ones.
3. The timing is perfect. I'm to take the "trigger" tonight. This will mean that within 36 hours my little follies will release...to be met by Chris's washed up n' spiffy sperm...complete with corsage.

That's a whole boat load better than just winging it ourselves...so fingers crossed this could be it!

Hate is a strong word…

...but when you’re pumping in injectible hormones, “not overly fond of” becomes “hatred”. The blood wench at the clinic has an aura of negativity around her. I can count the number of times she has voluntarily started a conversation, and it usually leads to a comment about how she hates her job. Really? Never would have guessed. Today was no exception…when I told her that I would be at work between 8 and 4 to receive a phone call, she said, “hmmm, must be nice.” You know what’s not nice? My never-ending state of infertility, doom and depression. I win.

Today is Day 13 and we are likely heading towards an IUI, so on Sunday when I chatted with the doc, I asked him if we could possibly avoid buying another $500 cartridge of Gonal(bar)F and use the “overfill” from the pens, even if it didn’t reach 450ius. He said “sure sure.” HE understands, why can’t blood wench? She said “you need GonalF for tonight” slapping through the pages of my chart, no eye contact. I thought to myself, here she goes again, talking out of her angry, over-confident (not to mention large) ass. I, personally, think tonight might be trigger night, therefore no GonalF would be required. And perhaps if I have to go another night the doctor will say “just use the overfill”. So I said to her, sweetly “it would be nice if I could avoid buying another $500 dosage. That stuff is so expensive and we’re probably not doing an IVF anyway.” Her response: “It is what it is.”
Why is she such a douche-bag? What’s wrong with saying “yeah, I hear that…the stuff is expensive. We’ll see what the doctor says.” I cannot get passed how she one-ups me every single time – it’s like we’re in a competition but I didn’t get the memo! I did not speak a word after that comment – not even a thank you and I pride myself on always being polite. I got up and walked out of the room…walked into the busy waiting room where all eyes were on me…and said “CLEARLY I’m not in a very good mood today” and plunked myself down in a huff.

So here I am, at my work, between the hours of 8-4 (kiss this), waiting for the call that will FINALLY determine the outcome of this IVF#5.

My Sister's Keeper

Do NOT read the last few chapters of "My Sister's Keeper" in the IVF waiting room when you're hopped up on GonalF. Just don't. It is a recipe for disaster. It started with a quiver of the sides of the mouth...then the eyes welled up. I coughed a little and rubbed my eye (to try to give the impression it was allergy related) but it was too late...all eyes were on me...well not really ON me, but the darting eye trick you get from people who want to STARE but don't want to be gauche. The high pitched clearing of the throat didn't help much either. Anyway...just a warning.

Today's appointment did not go too well. I now have only 4 follicles that will reach the right size come retrieval...the other ones are too small. The doctor sat with me for 15 minutes and told me that we will need to make this decision. Either we go for it with very few follicles and possibly less mature eggs, or we convert to an IUI. We will lose the follicles on the left hand side (because we removed that tube...remember...) but I think it is our best option at this point. I will still take the drugs to the end, I will still do the trigger shot to give a precise window of when I will ovulate, and Chris will do a sperm wash. Trust him to make a joke about WHEN the sperm wash will take place, "before or after deposit?" Har har. He should count his lucky stars that it's after.

The doctor also talked about this being a "priming" cycle. My body didn't respond well to the drugs, and ONCE AGAIN MY MOTHER HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD: My body needed a kick start. Its been 2 years since the last round of drugs and my body is in shut down mode. Sometimes it takes a cycle to get things moving again. The doctor is hoping my body will respond more readily to the drugs in a month or two - he keeps repeating, "we can do better."

I think at this point we have to be reasonable and maximize our "borrowed" dollars. No point spending $10,000 on an IVF when we can convert this not-so-good cycle to a $500 IUI. There is still a good chance it could work...doctor gave us a 15% POP.

To continue?...or not to continue?

Continue.

Chris and I have both gotten it into our heads that one of these 5 little follicles might just grow up to be a professional hockey player and get us out of this surmounting debt. Its worth the gamble don't you think?

The nurse called back and assured us that the doctor is very aware of our history and is not making any decision lightly - and that he feels we should continue because the quality of these 5 follicles might be the difference. Sometimes a different drug protocol is what it takes, and the motto of this IVF#5 is "It only takes one." Its what's keeping us going...and the future wealth of our amazingly talented hockey family.

Speaking of wealth...which we don't have a chance to acquire since we are constantly spending huge sums of money...last night Chris counted out loud as he injected the liquid gold into my leg..."one hundred! two hundred! three hundred! four hundred!....aaaaand 500 hundred dollars!

Sigh. Talk about extortion.

Today’s Outlook: Poor

I am at work now, after my early morning monitoring, and my blood is starting to boil. The more I think about what’s happening here, the more irritated I get. WHY am I in this boat again? “Wow, you’re really slow to respond to the drugs”, said the pessimistic blood work girl who never fails to put me in a bad mood. I guess there’s always one at each clinic…a tone or an attitude or something that makes you feel like she kind of enjoys seeing you squirm. I can’t help but think she gets a small amount of satisfaction when things aren’t up to snuff…she tends to mention the bad things more often than celebrate the good.

I’m usually sickly nice and non-problematic, but enough is enough. I said “why am I here then? Why am I continuing with this IVF if I’m not responding as I should?” I was under the very distinct impression that this doc was going to be different – that he was going to monitor me as we go along, and pull the plug should it not be the best possible set of circumstances. I don’t want to be toying with cancellation – that’s what I’ve always done in the past. I feel like I’ve been fucked again. She immediately started back peddling, she said “well today your numbers might be up, and then we’ll be having a completely different conversation.” Thanks for nothing.

Then I happened upon my horoscope on the subway…

“Something will happen today that shocks you, but looking back you will realize that you should have seen it coming.”

Need I say more?

IVF Waiting Room "Types"

Got to the clinic today at 7:15 to find five women in line before me. DAMN! I am usually #1 or 2, but I guess they are onto me...and now I have to wait. Good thing I had my book, even though I read the same page over and over again. There is too much to watch, study, judge, wonder... everyone has a story and dammit I want to know. There are the "commenters" - these are the quick one-liners, i.e., "its slow today don't you think?" They don't really want you to comment back - they just want to put in their two cents and then get out. Heaven forbid they should encounter a "talker". The "talkers" will glom onto any "commenter" who will then wish they had never opened their big mouth in the first place. Then there are the "readers" - they are always prepared with book in face, or they will head straight for the magazine table and avoid any and all eye contact. They do not speak to anyone and you should not attempt to engage one in conversation, you will be disappointed. Finally there are the "zoners" - they just stare at one spot and glaze over. Zoners are sitting ducks for "talkers" especially since they appear dumb or void of thought.

I'm a reader through and through. I don't want to talk - its 7:15 for god's sake!!! I am generally a chipper person, but I lack the conversation gene that early in the morning. Some people got it, some people don't. I don't.

So today's numbers met the criteria. I don't believe they were on the "way to go!" side of the spectrum, they were more on the "you just squeaked by kid" side. It will have to do - the doc is keeping me in the game. It is still very early and I am pumping in 450ml of Gonal F at a fast and furious rate. I can practically hear the growth in my ovaries... Things are brewing down there.

Stay tuned for Friday's results!

Gonal F is Nasty

Eeeewee (shudder)...blech. Injected the stuff yesterday to instantly taste it in the back of my mouth/nose - just like when I had an IV at the hospital and could taste the saline that was being pumped through my veins . Most people put nice tastes INTO their mouths, we're not so used to being assaulted from behind.

A friend suggested chocolate to neutralize the taste... so gonna get me a Cadbury Fruit and Nut for tonight...not that I need an excuse.

Grow follies grow!

L.O.L.

Which one do you think I am?

How NOT to have a baby

Do the people in the picture above realize that their passion might fall fruitless? Chris and I looked this way once…although Chris’s legs are less hairy, but we did I swear… – we thought this was how you made a baby. We have now been enlightened, and have come to terms with the fact that our juices need to be forced together in a petri dish by some nameless science geek in a white labcoat. It’s so romantic!

Day 2 of IVF# 5 (Jaysus!)

Today’s numbers are lookin’ good! My FSH is 7.1 which is not a record for me (6.4 in July if I may brag a moment) but it means we’re good to go (the lower the number the better – I believe 10+ is problematic, 25+ and its not looking good.)

I start injections tonight – YAY ME! Chris is good and pissed off at me for many many reasons, so he will enjoy tonight’s torture…perhaps he’ll put the needle in nice and slow, and then STAB the plunger down as fast as it will go. Hmmm…maybe I should start apologizing now …its 12:46…6 hours to go… Naaah, I’ll just do the injection myself thanks.
(insert rude smileyface here)

What am I, a Moron?

Why did I PEE ON THAT STICK? Why? And today of all days. Woke up and absolutely no AF…even after a digging excavation. Good! So figured, lets just get this sorted out one way or another. Let’s wrap this baby up...scuze the pun.

Negative…like DUH.

And the kicker is that the MINUTE I had finished staring at the stick, with disgust, AF showed up. Can you friggin’ believe that? Seriously, is someone laughing at me right now?...because this shit ain’t funny!

Then I stubbed my toe on the chair,
Spilled oj down the front of my blouse after changing 14 times,
Wrestled with the key which got stuck in the lock on the way out and had mini temper tantrum on back deck,
Walked my face through a spiderweb (my personal favorite)
Turned my ankle on a rock going down the back alley,
Ran and missed the bus (I think I saw the driver grinning in the rearview mirror)
Got milk instead of cream in my coffee…

What’s next? Gristle in my chicken? An impromptu “work performance” meeting??? A Collections Bill in the mail?

Tammy's Ancient "Disc of Conception"

Well, if you're following along, you know that this is our last month before attempting another expensive and emotionally taxing IVF. An IVF represents such hope, but also comes with its fair share of potential disappointment. For most women, an IVF works...and they get on with their lives. For some it is the ultimate gamble. Can you imagine being at a table in Las Vegas, not knowing what you're doing and throwing down $15,000 on one hand? No-one in their right mind would do that...unless it got them a kid (or they had a really bad gambling problem!) Can I just take a moment here to talk about what a big fat rip-off it is? Can someone please explain to me why an IUI, which requires daily monitoring, doctors, ultrasounds, specialists, etc. etc. costs between $200-400 and an IVF costs TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (drugs being the additional $5,000)???? How do you go from $200 to TEN THOUSAND in one leap? That's a major difference that I can only chalk up to the fact that a while ago some Big Wig RE must have said out the side of his wryly grin, "we can really make a buck here and charge through the nose because these women are DES-PER-ATE!" Snickers of agreement from around the boardroom table... Men with dollar bills for eyes like the cartoons.

Zoooop! Back to reality...sorry went on a tangent, once again. Anyway, in an effort to avoid all of the above mentioned crapoola, Chris and I knocked boots at the exact right time...well, according to Tammy's Ancient "Disc of Conception". Its this disc with rings and rings of dates and information...its like the Cryptex from the Da Vinci Code - if you line up the right dates, voila!, you get a baby! I forgot to take it with me when I left, so now my mother is the disc interpreter...wonder how many times she's studied it this month.

I refer to it as "Ancient" because I believe modern pregnancy tests can detect a pergnancy much sooner than the Disc of Conception suggests. It says I should test on September 12, when really I should know by about the 4th...and that's LATER than when most of my fellow TTCers test. Anyway, time will tell... will the magic numbers line up? Stay tuned...

An Apology...to all mothers

Ok so I'm not above apologizing when I'm wrong and in this case I am. For years now my fertile friends have been spewing forth life from their loins - little things that spin until they can spin no longer...one might say they are running on perpetual motion...and fish crackers. Well today we acquired one...her name is Quinn and she is my niece. She was dropped off with much enthusiasm by her father early this morning. I couldn't even finish asking my long list of questions before seeing the trail of smoke left down the path, like the Road Runner. That was 8:30. The point of all this is that now its 2:00pm and we have just put the Mighty Quinn down for her nap...and it could not have come sooner.

I remember trying to make plans with mothers, only to be rudely interrupted by the inevitable..."noooo, that won't work, so and so naps at that time.' Rolling my eyes I used to think, "GOD! Who's the boss here - the parent or the kid?" Well today I understand...the nap is not really FOR the kid, its for the parents, and it is NOT to be messed with. To just have a moment to tidy up a little from the monsoon that has passed through the house, or to re-stock the fridge with sweaty cheese and soggy Cheerios left over from the water park...and mostly, to just stare into space. You earned it...you deserve it.

So to all of those mothers who put nap time before anything else, I now completely understand...and I'm sorry I rolled my eyes!

Dear Ruler of the Universe,

If you haven’t already been advised, and with all due respect, I’m kinda ticked. See…I was supposed to have a baby by now, but for whatever reason you felt I needed to be taught a lesson. Maybe a lesson in hardship? Ok that’s fine…I get it. I suppose maybe you felt things came too easily to me (not so sure about this one but we’ll roll with it), or maybe you felt I needed to learn that “good things come to those who wait”. Or maybe you thought I was too smug, or that I’d floated along and hadn’t experienced my fair share of life crises, or that I didn’t “appreciate” enough, or that I was impatient and unforgiving. Whatever the reason is, I feel I have now passed the test. Enough's enough don't you agree? And its not just me who’s suffering either – there are other people at stake here. Not to mention the financial hardship this has put on Chris and myself.

I can assure you, dear Ruler of said universe, that I have risen to the challenge and have learned from the test. Not only do I no longer feel things come easily to me, I am no longer smug about much, and I feel this is a pretty substantial life crises to have to manage. I have learned about tolerance and forgiveness - I have had to throw my pride out the window…and forget about me being competitive…I have completely lost the race and I am not a sore loser. So please, if you could just find it within yourself to cut me some freakin’ slack I would appreciate it.

So first things first. I know a woman with “normal fertility” could be pregnant if she were in my situation. I’m not asking for a miracle here, just to have the same chance as everyone else…to have my shot at conceiving naturally before we have to go and spend another $20,000. Think of it like a bit of payback…for all the money we’ve had to spend on treatments, trips and lawyers. Sounds fair, no?

Barring that, if you could just let this next IVF work, I would be forever grateful. I don’t care if it’s a boy, a girl, two boys, two girls, or a boy and a girl (ok that’s best case scenario) but just a baby or two of any gender – that would be really great.

So please, over the next 2-3 months if you could just keep an eye on me and help me a along a little?? Please?? Trust me, I won’t ever forget the lesson.

Bikini's - Think Outside the Bathingsuit Box

I just read some posts on my girl's/baby/IF/community/anything goes site. The "not-so-itty-bitty" club were commenting on the horrifying and traumatic reality of trying to purchase a bathing suit, which got my wheels turning. Being probably way too conscious and borderline obsessive with my weight (and lack of height in combination)I can completely relate. They might not be able to relate to me, being that I know I am slim to most, but I do understand looking in the mirror and being shocked and awed...and not in a good way. Just yesterday, I shopped for a bikini top and realized that I was trying on tops intended for 20 year old boobs...not unruly, shapeless out-of-control boobs. The stores generally have dim-lit pot lighting (very clever but I'm no dummy) and although its dim, it shows every lump and bump on the way down. Now, replace that dimly lit source of light with the largest source of light known to man, and you've got yourself some serious problems.

This is why I work out so much...and not having had babies, I have had the luxury of time to do so. Had my life's taken the more normal route of easy conception, I may not be as fit as I am today.

I do, however, think there are 2 separate neuroses when it comes to putting it all out there in the noon day sun. The obvious one being weight, but the other one, not given nearly enough credit, is age. There is no question I can fit into a bikini and look good...in candlelight...and my friend L (a member of the "not-so-itty-bitty club") probably wants to smack me right across my face when I whine, which I shouldn't, but I think the issue for me, these days, is not so much about weight, but the fact that I am FORTY.

FORTY year olds, unless they are Ursula or Jennifer Aniston, should not be wearing bikinis. There's just no reason for it. Plus, you scrutinize yourself in a bathing suit (as mentioned above) in front of your bedroom skinny mirror with a "warm-yellow" 40-watt light bulb far off in the distant corner of the room, and think, "I can pull it off." And "yes you can!"...if its 8:00pm or later.

Which brings me to my bathing suit solution: the Lululemon "speedy" short. It has a soft smooth band of Lycra type material right below the bellybutton, a built-in undie, and a very short short. Its skimpy enough to pass as a bathing suit, but not so skimpy that your dimply butt is hanging out for everyone to see. You could pair it with a bra-like bikini top, or if your stomach is an issue, you can wear a tankini top. The only thing they don't recommend is swimming in chlorine, as obviously these are shorts and aren't tested for pools. Its really not a pool look as the intention with a pool is to go for a swim, but if you are at the beach, or simply watching the kiddos by the pool, I think this is a great solution.

So what does everyone else think?? Does it work for you and your lifestyle?

SHG: The New Water Boarding

Yesterday's Sonohystogram wasn't the slightest bit pleasant...I mean, we all know going in that spreading your legs, having a speculum inserted (always an extra special treat) and liquid shot through your tubes isn't going to compare to say, a day at the spa, but generally its pretty quick. In my case, however, and don't be jealous, I get the balloon treatment. Sounds like fun right? Its a balloon on the end of a catheter, shoved up and over your cervix and into your uterus, and then - and here's where it gets good stay with me - they BLOW IT UP so they can stretch out your uterus and have a look. I'm telling you its gotta be worse than water boarding - too bad men don't have uteruses because I'm pretty sure this could be an effective torture tactic. The pain is searing, its like period cramps gone wrong. There's more.. My uterus is narrow and doesn't like foreign objects obnoxiously shoved into it...it expels the balloon - slips it out and says NO! NO WANT BALLOON RIGHT NOW! and assumes the fisty-cuffs position. FOUR TIMES PEOPLE FOUR TIMES I had to have this procedure repeated because my uterus (who I need to have a serious talk with) once again decided to misbehave. My new doc, who yesterday I wanted to backhand right from the stirrups position, was very apologetic and later called to make sure I was alright. He said what we did today must have been very traumatic, and wondered if I had any serious pain, fever, etc. I lied and said I was feeling ok...and then spent the night writhing with stomach pain from the 4 heavy duty anti-biotic pills I had to take all at once to stave off any future infection...like a hydrosalpinx.

I'm glad I stuck it out because there was no way I was coming back to try it again another day. I was determined to potentially put SHG's behind me forever. But to be honest, if that balloon had slipped out a 4th time, I wouldn't have been able to continue. It was becoming unbearable, it had been an hour and a half of this, and I was verging tears. I have to say that this whole baby making business is so barbaric and awful - how can anyone endure this type of constant prodding and poking...only to end up disappointed over and over again. I know many women who can't handle the process and give up - live a life without fertility treatments and choose another path. I can now understand how they come to that decision. Sometimes it's all just too unbearable.

Having said all that, things look ok...my uterus is narrow, and small, but once again my mother made my day with her unknowing hilarity...she said "Lisa, MIDGETS have babies." lol - well ok then.

Today my new fert doc did something no other person has been able to do...

Restore my hope.

I was really just going through the motions...doing what the doctor said, taking the vits, getting the operation, floating along like a zombie towards what felt like an unattainable, impossible goal. I have felt this way for a long time, and even though I would shake off the negative thoughts, I was sure they'd be back - ready to seize and destroy any glimmer of hope. I've been conditioned this way - its programmed in now... Hope had left the building...until today.

See, by doing another round of IVF it kept me from having to accept the awful and inevitable direction my life was going to take. A life without children. Not even adoption, with all those beautiful children, abused children, abandoned children out there who would be so loved and cared for by us, were ever going to come our way. It was, by all counts, 100% hopeless...until today.

My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and the Peaches have been a life saver for me, supporting me through every failed attempt, cheering me on again and again, but even they may have a seed of doubt in their minds...with all that has happened so far, is there any hope?

I'm happy to report that there is - there finally is some hope! Everyone can feel hopeful...and here's why.

We had a long talk with our fertility doc today. We were called into discuss the post operative report - they had had a cancellation so we seized the opportunity. Unlike previous visits, his demeanor was softer, kinder, and most importantly, he was feeling very optimistic. He told us that he would be very disappointed if we did not try again with our own egg/sperm. It may not work, but at least we would have no regrets. He told us that now my uterus should be in great shape, and that is half the battle. I said, "of course", but what I really thought was "what's the point - sure - great uterus, shit eggs...what's the point?" I asked him "how can we get better quality eggs? Isn't that the main issue?" He said that its a numbers game and that Lifequest chose to do something he would NEVER do on someone my age...start with BCP. (MOTHER YOU CAN GLOAT NOW - SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT ONE IOTA AND IT BUGGED THE CRAP OUT OF HER - SHE KEPT QUESTIONING IT - SAYING IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.) He said eliminating that is the key...it did nothing but suppress my follicle growth, and at my age it is too much to recover from. He said the more the better, and we wait for a good month. We look at Day 1 - check the bloods - check the LH, no good - cancel. We try again the next month...LH ok? Good - go forward...Day 3 good follicle # - keep moving...Day 7 good follicle growth? Hmmm, not as good as expected - cancel. I thought to myself...wow, you won't waste valuable money on drugs ($300/day) going for something that was never meant to be. I like that idea.

There was so much to the conversation that was positive...we talked about donor eggs/donor embryos, legislation and how its not as intimidating as we think - easy once all the paperwork is signed off on... We wrapped up and I said "ok...well this sounds good...I have to admit I don't have a lot of hope left in me - its been a long haul and..." he cut me off and said "what?" I said, "well it just seems...impossible." He said with a big smile on his face, "why??!!! You have everything to be hopeful for. This is a new direction for you. Don't forget you could have put a 20 year old's embryos in you before your operation and it WOULD NOT HAVE WORKED. EVER. It just would not have worked...so think about it - you put in your eggs that are not such great quality into a toxic environment - you just have no chance. Your uterus should be optimal, there is no endo, your lining is good, you've lost the toxic tube. And if you've already decided on donor eggs/embryos ...forget it!!! You don't need to feel hopeless any more - you WILL BE PREGNANT. There is no question in my mind - our stats are 90% + for donor eggs...YOU WILL GET PREGNANT."

I look at Chris...he says with a smile on his face "oh no...here we go...she's gonna blow!" I BURST into tears...it was impossible for me not to and I hated the fact that I did because I thought this doctor would want none of it...I just couldn't hold it any longer...I just completely broke down...Chris said "don't worry - let it go - its VERY EMOTIONAL!!!" He always lets me cry when I need to - he's sooo understanding that way...I love him for that. I am still breaking down just thinking about it. I WILL BE PREGNANT EVERYONE!!! I am going to have a baby.

Love to you all,
xo

Surgery Sucks

Let’s face it, it isn’t a good time. Despite a much needed reprieve from work, it has been a rough week of recovery. The surgery itself went well according to Dr. Satkunarantnam (say that fast 10 times) and everything that needed to be fixed was fixed to the best of his ability. My left tube was removed, as promised (or at least we hope it was – anyone watch Oprah yesterday?) and the right one remained untouched as it was “perfect” – a laughable description considering we’re referring to my reproductive organs. The septum was also removed and to minimize scarring from all this nipping and tucking, I have an intrauterine catheter up my hoo-haw. Can’t picture it? Let me see if I can shed some light… The uterus has a balloon in it…to keep it open and taught and to minimize scarring. Attached to this balloon is what I like to refer to as a “jaggedy-arsed twig” and this jaddedy-arsed twig is sticking out of my hoo-haw. It moves a half an inch or so up and down depending on how cramped, or relaxed my uterus is at the moment…it tends to relax after fighting to expel the jaggedy-arsed twig and balloon for a good couple of hours. I also refer to it as the "stir stick" as it has a similar level of flexibility. What's really fun is when it sticks out further than normal and gets caught on my knickers or skin...that's fun...or it hinders how I walk. I must have explained to at least 8 office employees today “put my back out” (shrug)…little do they know what's happening south of the border.

BUT it’s all part of the master plan and hopefully it will help to make a difference. We all know it is only one/one thousandth of the process…there are so many other things that need to line up, things that most people (i.e., “Ferts”) take for granted, but every little bit helps.

Next appointment with Dr. A is August 18. Now that the surgery is done, I can heal up, and enjoy the summer!

Table and Chairs...As Promised...