The Silver Lining

So its only been 24 hours since the news and apparently I am moving on quicker than I thought. I might even have a bit of a kick in my step. I chalk it up to the raging hormonal nightmare one can be near the end of a medicated TWW - inconsolable, unreasonable, intolerable…and although AF is the last thing you want to see, it also brings a certain peace and balance – it snaps you from one personality to another. It’s the silver lining in a not so good turn of events.

I can’t bring myself to be upset. Life’s too short for misery and even if I moped around the office, looking forlorn and defeated, I would find myself cracking up at my own attempt…because it’s just not me. Maybe its because I’ve spent so much time being upset over negatives that I’ve realized its just a big fat waste of time. I hope the people in my life will really hear this and realize that it’s ok for them to be ok too – and to trust I am no where even close to being depressed. Sure, I have my moments, but they are so fleeting and tend to be aligned with the things I can’t control – like hormones. But I don’t want anyone being upset by anything I go through, ALRIGHT? I am one tough cookie and can handle this stuff, don’t think I can’t.

So, don't cry for me Argentina...(you know who you are).

The Fat Lady is Back Stage, Warming Up

I hope she trips on a cord and falls on her face before she makes it to center stage. I’d love that.

Today is 12 dpo and it started – red spotting. Whether its “spotting” or “period” is beyond me. It’s red if that’s any help. I, of course, feel miserably defeated. I was told to call the clinic if I were to “spot” before October 1…so I did. She told me to come on up and get a blood test (2 days early). She said they would be able to tell by today anyway, and that if I were pregnant they could get a jumpstart on fixing the bleeding by adjusting or supplementing my progesterone intake…

So we wait. 2 hours…

I hate this part.

UPDATE:
1 hour has elapsed and with each passing minute AF gets stronger and angrier...super duper.

UPDATE UPDATE:
The fat lady made it to center stage and is belting out her best aria...confirmed by bloodwork. Thank you to everyone who chimed in or just read along - I really appreciate everyone's support. xo

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Ok I GET that everyone is pregnant or off on mat leave…and I GET that I am a popular person around the work place…and I GET that people are genuinely happy for my friends who are (I'll repeat) ALL OFF ON MAT LEAVE , but what I don’t get is that I am constantly being questioned about everyone’s whereabouts. Here is a typical example of a conversation between me and a work acquaintance…

(note this is no one in particular)

Heeeey Lisa, how's it going?
Oh I'm fine, how are...
So, where’s ****?
Oh, she’s off on mat leave.
She is? OMG I didn’t even know she was pregnant! Wow…when did she have her baby?
Um…it was in the summer sometime.
OMG!! Really – that’s terrific! What did she have?
A boy.
A boy!! What a miracle! What did they name him?
Hitler
What a BEE-EAUTIFUL name. Where did they get that from?
(OH I don’t effing know…honestly why would I know this? Make something up…) I think it was her grandfather’s name.
Oooh (sigh) it’s lovely to keep the names in the family don’t you think? What about ***** - where is she these days?
Um, yep she’s off on mat leave.
Oh wonderful! So they can get together and have play dates!
Yyyep.
And what about that other girl in HR…what was her name again? ****? Whatever happened to her?
She’s off on mat leave.
OMG YOU’RE JOKING! Wow – don’t drink the water around here!!! BWAAAHAHAHAHAA!!!
“ha… ha-ha.” (Trust me it doesn’t work)

This goes on for what seems like an eternity. Trust me when I say I am not a poor sport – I think its great that they are all pregnant and off and enjoying their little ones…but does it have to always be me that gets grilled as to the whereabouts of my fertile work friends? Talk about rubbing salt in a wound!

Beta, Baby

I guess I haven’t been clear about when I will be testing so here it is …OCTOBER 1. October 1 is the big fat day…lets hope it’s a big fat something else.

One Week and Counting

Of course all of my Peaches-in-waiting will be secretly wishing I would POAS as they will be tripping over themselves with excitement. I understand it completely, and no one wants this more for me than them, BUT I have decided why bother when I have to be tested at the clinic anyway? There’s no point. Say I tested early, and it’s a negative…I STILL have to go to that insulting blood test knowing full well its only going to confirm what we already know. Its like a double whammy of negatives. Home testing is for ferts, I've determined. For me? Well here's what happens:

Me: Chris...I think we have a shot this month!
Chris: I hope so hon.
Me: Do you think I should test?
Chris: If you want.
Me: Wouldn't it just be freakin' amazing?
Chris: Sure would.
Me: I'm gonna do it - I mean why not? It will put me out of my misery.
Chris: Okay if you think so.

(Tinkle Tinkle...wait...pace...)

Me: M*THER F*CKER!

We’ve learned our lesson…many many times. So, let it be like ripping off a Band-Aid – sharp but quick. No point in pulling up the corners.

The Thing about Blogging…

Is that in order for your readers to keep coming back for more, you have to capture them. You have to make it impossible for them to miss what’s going to happen next. It has to be entertaining, dynamic, funny, different… This blog is absolutely about showing you the lighter side of infertility, if such a thing exists.

So what happens when it’s not so funny? Is it still entertaining? I don’t think so, so I find myself more often than not finding the humour in something, even on a bad day. Well today I can’t find the humour in anything. I went to the clinic. Blood Wench was nice – told me I “looked pretty”. Fine, no blog fodder from her today. The ultrasound was the most depressing part because the tech said, “oooh, lining isn’t good.” I asked what it was and she said that it was 6mm, and it needed to be at least 7mm (I think best case scenario is a thick n’ juicy 10mm). When did I become such an under-achiever? This is just another bloody thing…now if I have any struggling embryos floating around, gasping for life, they don’t stand a chance burrowing into my weak and wilting uterus. It’s like “Tent City” in there. A pathetic and undesirable place to live.

Real funny stuff.

Snap Crackle Pop - OOOOOWE!!

I've always had ovulation cramping - sometimes so intense I can feel it happening. Well its happening right now except I'm ovulating X 5. I have 5-6 follicles that are breaking free...as much as this pleases me, I'm a doubled-over yard sale.

Nurse Bi-Polar was there during the IUI. She was all smiley, nice and concerned. I think I was staring at her funny because she said "are you ok?" I wanted to ask her "What happened? Are you being nice because the doctor is right there? Or is it that you are just not a morning person? Or did you read my blog and have realized you're a freakin' yo-yo?" But what came out was "cramps."

The procedure was a snap other than the searing pain down below from the cramping. It took no more than a couple of minutes. The doctor said "nice cervix!" and I was like "oh stop you! You're making me blush!", not that he could see my face.

Alright then - report back over the next few days for "IPS" (imaginary pregnancy symptoms).

The Grand Decision

So, received a call from Kyle, the IVF nurse (let it be duly noted that she is quite pleasant and I have taken a liking to her). She spoke to the doctor and he does not recommend going forward with the IVF this cycle. Its ok...this is what I predicted and what I have mentally prepared for. In a couple of months we shoot for a better cycle - a better response to the drugs and hopefully go forward with an IVF then. This just wasn't the right time.

But we're doing an IUI - first time I've been turkey basted...the odds aren't as good as an IVF, but you never know!

1. We have 3 follicles on the right - that's like 3 months worth of chances right there.
2. Chris is having a sperm wash - so they'll get rid of all the junk and keep the good ones.
3. The timing is perfect. I'm to take the "trigger" tonight. This will mean that within 36 hours my little follies will release...to be met by Chris's washed up n' spiffy sperm...complete with corsage.

That's a whole boat load better than just winging it ourselves...so fingers crossed this could be it!

Hate is a strong word…

...but when you’re pumping in injectible hormones, “not overly fond of” becomes “hatred”. The blood wench at the clinic has an aura of negativity around her. I can count the number of times she has voluntarily started a conversation, and it usually leads to a comment about how she hates her job. Really? Never would have guessed. Today was no exception…when I told her that I would be at work between 8 and 4 to receive a phone call, she said, “hmmm, must be nice.” You know what’s not nice? My never-ending state of infertility, doom and depression. I win.

Today is Day 13 and we are likely heading towards an IUI, so on Sunday when I chatted with the doc, I asked him if we could possibly avoid buying another $500 cartridge of Gonal(bar)F and use the “overfill” from the pens, even if it didn’t reach 450ius. He said “sure sure.” HE understands, why can’t blood wench? She said “you need GonalF for tonight” slapping through the pages of my chart, no eye contact. I thought to myself, here she goes again, talking out of her angry, over-confident (not to mention large) ass. I, personally, think tonight might be trigger night, therefore no GonalF would be required. And perhaps if I have to go another night the doctor will say “just use the overfill”. So I said to her, sweetly “it would be nice if I could avoid buying another $500 dosage. That stuff is so expensive and we’re probably not doing an IVF anyway.” Her response: “It is what it is.”
Why is she such a douche-bag? What’s wrong with saying “yeah, I hear that…the stuff is expensive. We’ll see what the doctor says.” I cannot get passed how she one-ups me every single time – it’s like we’re in a competition but I didn’t get the memo! I did not speak a word after that comment – not even a thank you and I pride myself on always being polite. I got up and walked out of the room…walked into the busy waiting room where all eyes were on me…and said “CLEARLY I’m not in a very good mood today” and plunked myself down in a huff.

So here I am, at my work, between the hours of 8-4 (kiss this), waiting for the call that will FINALLY determine the outcome of this IVF#5.

My Sister's Keeper

Do NOT read the last few chapters of "My Sister's Keeper" in the IVF waiting room when you're hopped up on GonalF. Just don't. It is a recipe for disaster. It started with a quiver of the sides of the mouth...then the eyes welled up. I coughed a little and rubbed my eye (to try to give the impression it was allergy related) but it was too late...all eyes were on me...well not really ON me, but the darting eye trick you get from people who want to STARE but don't want to be gauche. The high pitched clearing of the throat didn't help much either. Anyway...just a warning.

Today's appointment did not go too well. I now have only 4 follicles that will reach the right size come retrieval...the other ones are too small. The doctor sat with me for 15 minutes and told me that we will need to make this decision. Either we go for it with very few follicles and possibly less mature eggs, or we convert to an IUI. We will lose the follicles on the left hand side (because we removed that tube...remember...) but I think it is our best option at this point. I will still take the drugs to the end, I will still do the trigger shot to give a precise window of when I will ovulate, and Chris will do a sperm wash. Trust him to make a joke about WHEN the sperm wash will take place, "before or after deposit?" Har har. He should count his lucky stars that it's after.

The doctor also talked about this being a "priming" cycle. My body didn't respond well to the drugs, and ONCE AGAIN MY MOTHER HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD: My body needed a kick start. Its been 2 years since the last round of drugs and my body is in shut down mode. Sometimes it takes a cycle to get things moving again. The doctor is hoping my body will respond more readily to the drugs in a month or two - he keeps repeating, "we can do better."

I think at this point we have to be reasonable and maximize our "borrowed" dollars. No point spending $10,000 on an IVF when we can convert this not-so-good cycle to a $500 IUI. There is still a good chance it could work...doctor gave us a 15% POP.

To continue?...or not to continue?

Continue.

Chris and I have both gotten it into our heads that one of these 5 little follicles might just grow up to be a professional hockey player and get us out of this surmounting debt. Its worth the gamble don't you think?

The nurse called back and assured us that the doctor is very aware of our history and is not making any decision lightly - and that he feels we should continue because the quality of these 5 follicles might be the difference. Sometimes a different drug protocol is what it takes, and the motto of this IVF#5 is "It only takes one." Its what's keeping us going...and the future wealth of our amazingly talented hockey family.

Speaking of wealth...which we don't have a chance to acquire since we are constantly spending huge sums of money...last night Chris counted out loud as he injected the liquid gold into my leg..."one hundred! two hundred! three hundred! four hundred!....aaaaand 500 hundred dollars!

Sigh. Talk about extortion.

Today’s Outlook: Poor

I am at work now, after my early morning monitoring, and my blood is starting to boil. The more I think about what’s happening here, the more irritated I get. WHY am I in this boat again? “Wow, you’re really slow to respond to the drugs”, said the pessimistic blood work girl who never fails to put me in a bad mood. I guess there’s always one at each clinic…a tone or an attitude or something that makes you feel like she kind of enjoys seeing you squirm. I can’t help but think she gets a small amount of satisfaction when things aren’t up to snuff…she tends to mention the bad things more often than celebrate the good.

I’m usually sickly nice and non-problematic, but enough is enough. I said “why am I here then? Why am I continuing with this IVF if I’m not responding as I should?” I was under the very distinct impression that this doc was going to be different – that he was going to monitor me as we go along, and pull the plug should it not be the best possible set of circumstances. I don’t want to be toying with cancellation – that’s what I’ve always done in the past. I feel like I’ve been fucked again. She immediately started back peddling, she said “well today your numbers might be up, and then we’ll be having a completely different conversation.” Thanks for nothing.

Then I happened upon my horoscope on the subway…

“Something will happen today that shocks you, but looking back you will realize that you should have seen it coming.”

Need I say more?

IVF Waiting Room "Types"

Got to the clinic today at 7:15 to find five women in line before me. DAMN! I am usually #1 or 2, but I guess they are onto me...and now I have to wait. Good thing I had my book, even though I read the same page over and over again. There is too much to watch, study, judge, wonder... everyone has a story and dammit I want to know. There are the "commenters" - these are the quick one-liners, i.e., "its slow today don't you think?" They don't really want you to comment back - they just want to put in their two cents and then get out. Heaven forbid they should encounter a "talker". The "talkers" will glom onto any "commenter" who will then wish they had never opened their big mouth in the first place. Then there are the "readers" - they are always prepared with book in face, or they will head straight for the magazine table and avoid any and all eye contact. They do not speak to anyone and you should not attempt to engage one in conversation, you will be disappointed. Finally there are the "zoners" - they just stare at one spot and glaze over. Zoners are sitting ducks for "talkers" especially since they appear dumb or void of thought.

I'm a reader through and through. I don't want to talk - its 7:15 for god's sake!!! I am generally a chipper person, but I lack the conversation gene that early in the morning. Some people got it, some people don't. I don't.

So today's numbers met the criteria. I don't believe they were on the "way to go!" side of the spectrum, they were more on the "you just squeaked by kid" side. It will have to do - the doc is keeping me in the game. It is still very early and I am pumping in 450ml of Gonal F at a fast and furious rate. I can practically hear the growth in my ovaries... Things are brewing down there.

Stay tuned for Friday's results!

Gonal F is Nasty

Eeeewee (shudder)...blech. Injected the stuff yesterday to instantly taste it in the back of my mouth/nose - just like when I had an IV at the hospital and could taste the saline that was being pumped through my veins . Most people put nice tastes INTO their mouths, we're not so used to being assaulted from behind.

A friend suggested chocolate to neutralize the taste... so gonna get me a Cadbury Fruit and Nut for tonight...not that I need an excuse.

Grow follies grow!

L.O.L.

Which one do you think I am?

How NOT to have a baby

Do the people in the picture above realize that their passion might fall fruitless? Chris and I looked this way once…although Chris’s legs are less hairy, but we did I swear… – we thought this was how you made a baby. We have now been enlightened, and have come to terms with the fact that our juices need to be forced together in a petri dish by some nameless science geek in a white labcoat. It’s so romantic!

Day 2 of IVF# 5 (Jaysus!)

Today’s numbers are lookin’ good! My FSH is 7.1 which is not a record for me (6.4 in July if I may brag a moment) but it means we’re good to go (the lower the number the better – I believe 10+ is problematic, 25+ and its not looking good.)

I start injections tonight – YAY ME! Chris is good and pissed off at me for many many reasons, so he will enjoy tonight’s torture…perhaps he’ll put the needle in nice and slow, and then STAB the plunger down as fast as it will go. Hmmm…maybe I should start apologizing now …its 12:46…6 hours to go… Naaah, I’ll just do the injection myself thanks.
(insert rude smileyface here)

What am I, a Moron?

Why did I PEE ON THAT STICK? Why? And today of all days. Woke up and absolutely no AF…even after a digging excavation. Good! So figured, lets just get this sorted out one way or another. Let’s wrap this baby up...scuze the pun.

Negative…like DUH.

And the kicker is that the MINUTE I had finished staring at the stick, with disgust, AF showed up. Can you friggin’ believe that? Seriously, is someone laughing at me right now?...because this shit ain’t funny!

Then I stubbed my toe on the chair,
Spilled oj down the front of my blouse after changing 14 times,
Wrestled with the key which got stuck in the lock on the way out and had mini temper tantrum on back deck,
Walked my face through a spiderweb (my personal favorite)
Turned my ankle on a rock going down the back alley,
Ran and missed the bus (I think I saw the driver grinning in the rearview mirror)
Got milk instead of cream in my coffee…

What’s next? Gristle in my chicken? An impromptu “work performance” meeting??? A Collections Bill in the mail?