Sunday, January 31, 2010

This is all about why do I feel so left out?

Something is going on here...but I'm not sure what it is. I love my clinic, I really do, but getting information is like pulling teeth. I'm paying a kabillion dollars for this cycle, you'd think I'd be in on the details, but I feel like they are acting like telling me information is something they shouldn't be doing, or that its confidential to S?? Maybe??? But do they realize that I am paying the bill here? Do they realize that S and I have emailed almost every day since I met her back in November?? Do they not realize that we tell each other everything? HELLO!! I AM THE AGENT. I placed the ad, I interviewed the girls, I organized the physical and bloodwork, I contracted my lawyer and the lawyer for S, I scheduled her psych eval...I should know EVERYTHING. AND I'm also the person paying for this entire party AND if this was my own cycle, I would know as the agent AND the recipient, don't I have the right to know? I feel like they are acting like my donor IVF is causing them to be too busy to be catering to my every whim. But but but...I did all the work (shrug).

I feel so left out.

S went to the clinic on Friday for bloodwork & ultrasound, you know, the ushe. In the past when I have gone to the clinic, they have called me about 1:00 to give me the results, i.e., "your ovaries suck, you have 1, 11mm follicle on the right, and 1, 18mm follicle on the left, which spells C.A.N.C.E.L." But now that S is going into the clinic, I don't get an update? She is me. I am her. She is my stand in...she is my stunt double. I'm not even sure they are telling her anything other than "you're doing well."

They had NO intention of calling me on Friday, they only called because they couldn't get in touch with S - and this was at 4:00pm. She said "I'm really sorry to bother you hon, but we've been trying to get in touch with S all afternoon." (turns out there was something wrong with S's phone but she was waiting for the call). But its clear they wouldn't have called me. Before she hung up, I said "um, A? Can I ask how things went with S today? like can you tell me anything about follicles??" She said hesitantly, "ummm, sure honey...uh well we can't tell you about follicles because we don't measure them until they reach 10mm, but her estrogen level rose nicely."

S goes into the clinic today - we'll see if I get a call, and if I don't, I'm going to talk to the doctor about updates. As far as I'm concerned there only needs to be one phone call - and that's to me unless S needs to change her meds...and then in that case 2 phone calls need to be made.

Am I crazy? Can those of you who have done donor eggs tell me if they updated you while your donor was stimulating? Am I being unreasonable?


Kirsten, Chris, Jacob and Sarah said...

Are you being unreasonable? No. Whatever you need, that's reasonable. However, I will admit that during our donor cycle we did not receive any updates except to tell us when the retrieval was going to be and how many eggs were retrieved. That said I am not a question asker and if I had told them I wanted updates I would have received them. As far as I was concerned we were paying them to look after our donor and it's their job to make it work, I only expected a call if there was a problem, as long as everything was hunky dory I didn't expect a call. No news was good news!!

I think every person is different and it's up to you to let the clinic know exactly what you expect. My clinic knows me too well, they know I don't care for the day to day stuff, just the big picture.

I'm rooting for you!!

Eggs said...

Thanks for your response Kristen! Maybe I'm just not aware of how donor eggs is done. Did you go through an agency? I think what's bugging me most, is that if this were me being stimulated, I would be getting a call...I did at my old clinic, and I did in my past 2 cycles at this why is it different now that its donor eggs? If there was an agent, wouldn't they be letting the agency know how things are going?

I know I probably sound like a control freak, but I decided to let things go once all of the logistics had been worked out, but not getting an update call on how S is progressing is not a lot to ask. I think I will just ask them why they are not updating me. I just don't really like the coordinator right now - she makes me feel like I am asking too much and I am not demanding WHATSOEVER. There must be other people much more demanding and controlling than me, or people who demand a certain level of service...after all we're the paying customer. I dunno...

Thanks for your post though - food for thought!

Kirsten, Chris, Jacob and Sarah said...

Yes we did go through an agency, but honesty, once the agency matches the donor to you they really step back and have no more involvement. I have been the one updating the agency to let them know how sucessful their donor has been (and so they could pass information back to the donor for us).

I think it's just a little different when you are the egg giver since the contact during the cycle is usually just to tell you what medication to take.

At the end of the day I don't think it really matters what the "normal protocol" is, what is important is what you, as the checkbook holder want to know!!

Eggs said...

That's really interesting...I thought for sure the agency would have updates on the donors...and liaise between donor and recipient. I suppose if I had gone though an agency I would know this... haha - but its just me.

Ok I'll ride it out a few more days and see what information comes my IS completely out of my control anyway...maybe that's how they see it - its out of the recipient's hands, so let us do our job and we'll let you know when to come in.

Thanks you've been a big help Kristen.

Anonymous said...

I personally would be livid. I"m not involved in your cycle right now in any shape or form and it's killing me that i don't have an update on how she is doing. WTF ???? Your money, your baby, your right to know. These are not the donor's medical secrets. I guess it depends on the personality. Are you seeing the doctor tomorrow ? I would def talk about this.


leslie said...

yeah...i didnt get updates really, either, however, i didnt ask many questions. it was the only ivf cycle i was every involved with, so i dont think i really was as "aware" as you are, you know? like kirsten said, i think that if there had been a problem, id have doctor himself called me to say the 2nd donor we chose was not an ideal candidate. as long as things went well, they didnt call.

regardless, if you WANT regular updates, then you should totally push for them. This is a life-changing procedure. You deserve as much reassurance, verification,validation, and plain ol' information that you need. So what if the coordinator thinks youre a pain (and she might not..she might just be one of "those" people who always seems put out). youre gonna be done with her soon, honeybuns.


Tabitha said...

Never done a donor cycle, but I don't think your being unreasonable at all. If I were you, I'd demand information!!!