Friday, January 15, 2010

Doubt has this way...

So the process is in motion, the psych complete and the legal paperwork well underway. Things are definitely in motion and by Tuesday we will have crossed our t's and dotted our i's. So why do I feel, once again, so completely hopeless? Is it only natural? After 5 years of struggling with fertility treatments, disappointment, negative pregnancy tests, and canceled IVF's, can this really be the answer? I'm sure I am a perfect candidate for a psychologist..."of course you feel this way - you've been programmed to expect negatives."

Everyone is so optimistic, the doctors, our support system...even the stats are why can't I feel that way? I do and I don't. Part of me wants to be excited - to expect that this SHOULD work, because it has been the answer for so many women who have lived a similar fate. But the other side of me feels that if this fails, then there is no hope. If I can't host a perfectly good embryo, then there's no more point in trying. We jumped to this point, some may feel, prematurely because of all we have suffered...but what if even this won't work?

Where will this leave us? I don't know the answer to this question, and it scares me to no end...but all I can do is keep on believing.

Keep on breathing. Keep on trying.

1 comment:

Mom Genes said...

How I wish I had the answers for you, but it does sound like you are on the right track. You've had a long road and it's no surprise that letting go of fear is really difficult if not impossible. I'm sure everyone wouldn't fill you up with false hope. I'm betting they're so optimistic is because it really will work! Try to focus on that.