This is all about me...so why do I feel so left out?

Something is going on here...but I'm not sure what it is. I love my clinic, I really do, but getting information is like pulling teeth. I'm paying a kabillion dollars for this cycle, you'd think I'd be in on the details, but I feel like they are acting like telling me information is something they shouldn't be doing, or that its confidential to S?? Maybe??? But do they realize that I am paying the bill here? Do they realize that S and I have emailed almost every day since I met her back in November?? Do they not realize that we tell each other everything? HELLO!! I AM THE AGENT. I placed the ad, I interviewed the girls, I organized the physical and bloodwork, I contracted my lawyer and the lawyer for S, I scheduled her psych eval...I should know EVERYTHING. AND I'm also the person paying for this entire party AND if this was my own cycle, I would know everything....so as the agent AND the recipient, don't I have the right to know? I feel like they are acting like my donor IVF is causing them to be too busy to be catering to my every whim. But but but...I did all the work (shrug).

I feel so left out.

S went to the clinic on Friday for bloodwork & ultrasound, you know, the ushe. In the past when I have gone to the clinic, they have called me about 1:00 to give me the results, i.e., "your ovaries suck, you have 1, 11mm follicle on the right, and 1, 18mm follicle on the left, which spells C.A.N.C.E.L." But now that S is going into the clinic, I don't get an update? She is me. I am her. She is my stand in...she is my stunt double. I'm not even sure they are telling her anything other than "you're doing well."

They had NO intention of calling me on Friday, they only called because they couldn't get in touch with S - and this was at 4:00pm. She said "I'm really sorry to bother you hon, but we've been trying to get in touch with S all afternoon." (turns out there was something wrong with S's phone but she was waiting for the call). But its clear they wouldn't have called me. Before she hung up, I said "um, A? Can I ask how things went with S today? like can you tell me anything about follicles??" She said hesitantly, "ummm, sure honey...uh well we can't tell you about follicles because we don't measure them until they reach 10mm, but her estrogen level rose nicely."

S goes into the clinic today - we'll see if I get a call, and if I don't, I'm going to talk to the doctor about updates. As far as I'm concerned there only needs to be one phone call - and that's to me unless S needs to change her meds...and then in that case 2 phone calls need to be made.

Am I crazy? Can those of you who have done donor eggs tell me if they updated you while your donor was stimulating? Am I being unreasonable?

DAY, er. TWO!!!

Yesterday was to be a big “post” day – it was Day 1, and I was to write a big fun something-or-other to mark the beginning of an exciting chapter. But it was also the first day to purge myself of anything that might adversely affect my treatment…and by 3:00pm I had to lie down my head was pounding so hard. I wondered what on earth could have given me this kind of evil headache…and then I remembered…lack of caffeine.

I have ONE cup of Tetley tea a day. ONE cup…so I find it odd that my body would have pins and needle pains, soreness and headache just because I decided to have a decaf instead. Yet, it’s the only thing I can peg it to.

Anyway, Day 2! Here we are!

Tomorrow both S and I will go to the clinic for blood work and ultrasounds. She’ll leave with stimulation drugs and I will leave with Estrace to build my lining up for the transfer. Other than the stress involved with this cycle, the financial strain and the lack of control, it will be a fairly easy cycle for me. I basically ride it out until the transfer…which is a snap. It’s the upside of having an egg donor I suppose…well there are several actually… but there should be, because to get here, you have to have dealt with a lot of crap.

Analogy of an Egg Donation: Cake

As you can imagine, my mind is spinning out of control these days. I think about a baby, I think about twins. I think about happy baby showers where I get to be the guest of honor. I think about pregnancy tests and getting fat and maternity clothes and butterfly mobiles. I think about Chris and what a great dad he’ll be. I think about lawyers and stimulation drugs and when I will get my damn period. My head is constantly swirling with thoughts, about how this baby will turn out, and if it will be at all like me.

Then I started to think about cake…

A cook book will have a recipe for Cake. It will list, with specific measurement, the ingredients to be used, and give clear instructions on how to prepare it. The pan will be greased, the oven will be set, the ingredients mixed…but will the cake turn out the same every single time? If 50 women from around the world all baked this cake, would it taste the same?

Of course it wouldn’t…

An extra pinch of salt, the varying degrees of each oven…eggs produced by chickens who feed from different grain… Yes, the ingredients are all the same. There is flour, and milk and eggs and all the things necessary to make the batter rise, but there’s something about each individual cake that set’s it apart from the rest, and it boils down to one simple difference. The baker.

While we take this short break...

Let's talk SLAP CHOP!


My brother got me this for Xmas. I could not have been happier - I think I squealed like a little girl - my reaction may have even been a little embarrassing, but I could not contain my excitement. I mean have you SEEN Vince in action? He makes it look so easy. I often find myself in the "As Seen on TV" shop in the mall, mesmerized by this product. "Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini!"

Let's see if this mother works...

I started with onion - you know "the skin comes right off!" I needed to put this to the test. Yes, it does separate from the onion, but not as easily as it does in the infomercial, some half-cut onion comes with it...


























Its ok - I gave it another couple of slaps, and things worked out nicely.

Onto halved tomatos, seeds removed. It doesn't work. It won't cut it at all - like trying to cut leather. But if you cut it down a little into chunks it dices up quite easily...just one more little step there...















































Can it do Cilantro? Yes it can!
























Et voila! The final product...perfect fresh Salsa!

Now, is it all it's cracked up to be? Hmmmm...perhaps not. When I watch Vince do it, things slice apart a little too easily - like his own personal Slap Chop has diamond blades or something. But it's a fun product and the salsa turned out great!

If you've just logged on and you're reading this post, at this moment, perched atop the edge of your seat, biting your nails with anticipation, waiting for those fateful words we all want to hear…you might as well get up and go make a cup of tea or something, because apparently I’m not even close. My instructions are to “come back in a week”. Talk about deflating. I even have a terrible headache and cramps which USUALLY MEANS AF is near, but apparently the universe is not finished kicking my ass just yet…

Fine – bring it. Like I give a rat's ass at this point.

So off you all go – go and enjoy your fertile and happy lives, but report back here in one week…and don’t be late.

ps I realize my post is curt…but I am full of bile today. It can’t be helped.

pps WAIT – it’s possible I might write another post in the interim…so make sure to check in…then come back in a week too.

ppps I would REALLY like more comments on my blog…every other blog I go to has “13 responses!” Just sayin’.

Rant over.

Time goes by...so slowly. Time goes by...so slowly.

So...no period in sight. They told me that once I stopped taking the Superfact, I would get a period "within 3-5 days". Well today is Day 5 and there's no sign in sight...but I KNEW this...I somehow knew this wouldn't bring on a period. It's only been a couple of weeks since my last one. My body is, if nothing else, reliable...and for the past 28 years I've had a period every 28/29 days...not 17...not 22. I know drugs do miraculous things...but this time I just have a feeling.

This isn't happening.

Then there's S. How do we know she isn't half way through a cycle by now? It's been a few weeks since she's been monitored. And as far as I know she won't even be monitored on Tuesday when she goes in for her injection class. What if things have kicked in for her and we've missed the mark?

I'll call the clinic tomorrow from work and tell them it's Day 6 and still no period as promised. I just don't feel comfortable calling the clinic these days. I feel like they see me as this total pain in the ass control freak, which I know is a stretch but I'm a paranoid type person and there's nothing worse to me than having to depend on someone else for information. It doesn't seem to matter how relaxed and "ha-ha-ha I'm so chilled out - see?" I am when I call, I always get a sense that they are annoyed to be hearing from me at all...that ONCE AGAIN I am calling them before I need to be.

Can you blame a girl for being anxious? I just don't see how the timing works out... I've asked so many times, but yet I don't seem to get an answer that satisfies my worry. I can't keep asking the same questions...I feel like they are rolling their eyes behind my back.

I have to ask myself though, is it similar to those people who call me up asking about their pay? They sound so flustered and confused, yet to me it is simple. I often I feel like saying (although I never would), "Are YOU trained in human resources and payroll? No you aren't - so just let me do my job."

Is this what the clinic is doing to me? Have I become an unbearable member of the team? Surely there are women (picture CEO's VP's, etc.) who demand control and bark orders at the staff... Surely I'm not the most annoying infert to ever cross their path.

Why do I even care? CLEARLY I have way too much limbo time...

Doubt has this way...

So the process is in motion, the psych complete and the legal paperwork well underway. Things are definitely in motion and by Tuesday we will have crossed our t's and dotted our i's. So why do I feel, once again, so completely hopeless? Is it only natural? After 5 years of struggling with fertility treatments, disappointment, negative pregnancy tests, and canceled IVF's, can this really be the answer? I'm sure I am a perfect candidate for a psychologist..."of course you feel this way - you've been programmed to expect negatives."

Everyone is so optimistic, the doctors, our support system...even the stats are optimistic...so why can't I feel that way? I do and I don't. Part of me wants to be excited - to expect that this SHOULD work, because it has been the answer for so many women who have lived a similar fate. But the other side of me feels that if this fails, then there is no hope. If I can't host a perfectly good embryo, then there's no more point in trying. We jumped to this point, some may feel, prematurely because of all we have suffered...but what if even this won't work?

Where will this leave us? I don't know the answer to this question, and it scares me to no end...but all I can do is keep on believing.

Keep on breathing. Keep on trying.

Raise your hand if you think your head might explode

How can I buckle down and work when I have so much swimming around in my head? Appointments and lawyers and psych evals and documents to sign and contracts and payments and ultrasounds and OMG my head is literally going to explode.

So as I mentioned, I wanted to discuss with S first about the new plan. It’s not much different than the old plan, other than the timing of things. I thought we would have to wait for S to have yet another cycle and I was concerned about timing. But after a long discussion with the doc, he's told me that he knows everything he needs to about S at this point, and we can get right on it. So we hope to have legal and psych ready within a week or so because S will start her injections within about 2 weeks!! Then she has 16 days of stims to her egg retrieval, and then her work is done. Thank you S. And from that point it's up to Chris’s little swimmers to make the magic happen.

A Revised Plan of Action

Well! Wasn't today's meeting with Dr. Auyeung a great one! We have a new plan, one I think S will be really happy with and one that I am really excited about...if all goes according to plan. I can't tell you what it is yet, because I want to discuss it with S first, but she has been so sick, I want to give the poor girl a few days to get better.

I'm so happy to have met this doctor, he's so flexible and willing to work with all the pieces of the puzzle. Definitely feeling more optimistic today!

Today I'm feeling so down. The process I'm going through is so stressful and hard...because it's not just about me, it's dependent on so many other things. But I have to carry on...I have to keep the faith and hope that this will all work out. It has always been just Chris and me, fighting this battle, but needing outside help has been a whole new lesson in patience - one I thought I had already had to learn the hard way... but apparently 5 years of infertility wasn't quite enough. I have to ask myself... why am I doing this? Are we trying to put a square peg into a round hole?

My dad said everything always works itself out...he's absolutely right - and I know this...but its hard to see it when you are smack dab in the middle of it all.

Please keep us in your thoughts, as we get through the next few months. I am trying so hard to make the right decisions, having no experience in any of this.

I never thought this would be so hard.

Yesterday I lost it. I officially lost it.

It started out innocently enough. But I was stressed. I was stressed about a lot of things, but mostly about S, and the news that she will have to return to Finland. Of course, having coped with IF for the past 5 years, my mind instantly went into "worst-case-scenario" mode...that way anything other than plain ol' screwed is gravy, right? Suddenly I felt doomed, like all of this effort, regardless of the fact that it was 100% genuine and enjoyable on my part, was all for nothing. The beginning of the end. I found myself having conversations in my head to the tune of "it was too good to be true...dammit Lisa, I TOLD YOU!"

So I started writing an email... And I couldn't spit out the words in the way that I wanted to, and I didn't want to sound mean, because we all know that's not me, and I didn't want to sound desperate, and I didn't want to sound harsh, but I needed to be firm... I also didn't want anything to be misinterpreted... So I wrote a rough draft, and then tweaked it so that it was a little less ... raw. A little more refined. Insert a couple of happy faces - et voila!

And then what did I do next?

Somehow I manage to send BOTH emails at the exact same time - the original one being all long and choppy and random thoughts and cut and paste and god knows what...and the nicey nicey version. If Chris had let me get to a toilet, I would have put my head it in and flushed.

Say it with me..."What an IDIOT!" (laughtrack)

We're hoping S has a great sense of humor because, when these things happen, they are devastating uh-huh, but afterwards they're quite hilarious. Its hilarious right?

More Donor IVF Ramblings...

So its January 2, and I cannot quite contain my excitement for the upcoming months. Yesterday I answered some questions the lawyer needed in order to draft the contract, and today I firmed up an appointment for S to see the psychologist. I should have these 2 things completed within a couple of weeks. Then we have everything in place to go forward with the procedure.

S is to go to the clinic again on Tuesday. Turns out she didn't really have her "true" period - it was a fake one brought on by the drugs the doc gave her to induce a period. Kindof defeats the purpose if you ask me, but what do I know? Sort of a wasted appointment for her, and an extra expense for us, but I guess you gotta roll with the punches.

S will also have her psych eval on Thursday. Do you remember the movie "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle?" It was a suspense-thriller in the early 90's when that was all you got...all these movies with real people, living normal lives...until that one fateful day when things started to unravel... I think those movies are 100% responsible for our over-the-top paranoia... I don't know about you but "Fatal Attraction" taught me you NEVER EVER have an affair. Not if you don't want bunny stew for supper. I guess it's better to be safe than sorry, but I'm certain the doctor will size S up in about one minute and see that she is nothing more than plain old sugar n' spice.

Happy sigh....could 5 years of struggling to have a family finally happen for us this year? It's mind boggling, exciting and utterly terrifying all at the same time. I can't deny that I will still be in complete and utter shock if it works, despite the high statistics for donor egg IVF's. Do you know what it might feel like to struggle to get pregnant for 5 years, only to finally see that positive test?

I think it will be - hands down - the most exciting moment of my life.