Where to start… I am stressed out already. I’ve been back from Florida for a total of about 10 hours and already I’m feeling “the pressure”. The pressure to be good, the pressure to be thoughtful, the pressure to not let things slip through the cracks, the pressure not to disappoint, the pressure to get things done, the pressure to clean the house from top to bottom, the pressure to keep up with everything I need to keep up with, the pressure to keep my husband happy, the pressure to say the right things…
Life is too hard these days. Getting from A to B is difficult to do without aggravation. Why do people have to be so irritated and so disappointed all the time? Why can’t people just be nice and kind to one another? Go with the flow, let things slide, and not have to point out every single flaw? Be more forgiving and help each other out when they need it instead of being so selfish? Life is already such a struggle and then on top of it you have to deal with struggles within your own life/your own inner circle. Perhaps this is why people cut themselves off from the world – because they’ve just become so tired trying to be so … fucking perfect. Even when you try your hardest, or have the best intentions, someone somewhere is going to be irritated/pissed off/annoyed/disappointed.
So I guess I’m having one of those days…where here I am back in Toronto and thinking about how hectic it all is and wondering if I have the strength to do it…
Started the injections and I feel nauseated from the BCP’s…maybe that is why I am so upset today. Seems all this pre-crap never quite gets us anywhere. Maybe I’m depressed because I recognize that we’ve been down this path before and it leads to nothing but disappointment. I know this time that all the variables have changed, but still I can’t help but be terrified at the same time. Can I handle another BFN? I just don’t know…
The world seems stacked against, and well, having babies isn’t easy. Oh, haha that’s funny because how the hell would I know? You see? I can’t win. I guess when you can get pregnant easily you don’t have much time to ponder such things…you just go with the flow and I’m sure there’s worry there too, but when you have this much time, and this much disappointment, I guess its hard not to think that this too will be just as hard. I just wonder when things will become easier, lighter, less crowded and hectic…more calm. I just want to go to a log cabin in the mountains and sit there…and stare and let my brain go to mush.
Moving on now – got that off my chest and all I can do is hope tomorrow feels better.
1 day ago
1 comment:
This is a good way to get all the sh** out in the open and off your chest. But at the same time I am thinking it's the drug regimen that is making you feel this way. This is not the normal chirpy blog we wait for in anticipation of being amused and transported to your world. This is a cry for help, and I sincerely hope people can rally round and get you through this. I know most people will say - think positive, keep your spirits up, don't dwell on the bad stuff, but it's not them going through it, it's you. Nobody knows what it is like to be inside your head. The thing is, you will pull yourself together, you will feel more positive tomorrow, time is the great healer in all aspects of life. Seems trite but it is true. Just keep taking baby steps (see even people who mean well can say the wrong damn thing!) Only thing to say, is cheer up, things could change in a heart beat.
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