I'm having one of those nights...

I finish work, I walk to the gym, I work out, I head home, I make dinner. I'm in automatic pilot.

Until it hits me.

I'm going to be a mom.

I don't know what it's like for women who decide to have a family and become pregnant easily. I think although it would be wonderful to them, and exciting to them, it might be slightly less dramatic and a little bit more, "great - things are going according to plan."

For me it was months of negatives, years of horrible fertility treatments, a "blip" with adoption, and the sinking feeling being a mom was not in the cards. And I've felt that way for years...especially as I watched every single person I've ever known run circles around me. You know those commercials where you see the person in the middle, almost as if in slow motion, while the world spins frantically around them? That was me for 5 years. And sure 5 years may not seem so long when you're 30, but we weren't - we were 36-41...and options were closing in.

It's the strangest thing. Someone might say, "you NEVER gave up!" but I did... Sure I went through the motions, but I honestly never thought a pregnancy would occur and that we'd be taking a baby home. My mind just wouldn't go there anymore...it seemed impossible. Our efforts were waning.

Yet here we are. And I find it absolutely surreal. Does everyone else feel that way? Or is it just me? I can't believe family is becoming my reality...even as I type this, they grow exponentially...into our little babies...our family. What will they be like? What sexes will they be? What color will their hair be, their eyes? Will they look alike, will their personalities be opposite?

I never thought this would happen for us...and it is...it's really happening! And it's happening in a doubly wonderful way.

I can't wait to meet our brand new family.

Donor Egg Experiences

When you finally muster the strength to go the donor egg route, you expect, or at the very least, HOPE that your young and fruitful donor will provide you with an army of strong mature eggs. I'm learning more and more that this is not always the case, in fact, I hear more horror stories than success stories.

Is it that in the US they have legalized egg donation and that more and more agencies are cashing in? Do they do their due diligence with respect to testing and monitoring of the donors? Do IP's put all their hopes and dreams into one single cycle, and WHY do we do that? We all know that any woman regardless of age can have an "off" cycle. I hear more and more the price of "good "donors rising, in some cases to the sum of $20,000 - all for one batch of good eggs...you hope. I think we're all in agreement that this is simply extortion. And unfortunately there's no guarantees. But more and more I hear about how the cycle was a "bust". That they retrieved 15 eggs, but only 8 of them were mature, and only 1 of them survived. For the amount of emotional energy, money and hope that goes into a donor cycle, that is a devastating loss. And the more I read about these nightmare stories, the more I appreciate our experience.

To my lovely donor S, we love you, and think of you often. You have given us so very much, and for that we will be forever grateful. Here is to you my dear, and your open heart. May the generosity you have shown your fellow Canadians ;-) come back to you in unbelievable ways. And times 100.

I love shopping...

But I am definitely out of my element here. As our babies continue to grow in the lovely Nickole's belly, I find myself sneaking onto the internet to see what's out there in the world of baby. Note to self - start something, ANYTHING, baby and make an absolute fortune.

Here is what I've discovered so far. Necessities range from regular expensive to holy crap expensive, and there's not a whole lot in between. And I probably don't need to mention that I'm drawn to the most expensive because that's just how I roll. The first stroller I liked was $595... I thought that was the most expensive one, or at least it must be close to the most expensive one right? No, it's fairly standard actually...middle of the road. I'm wondering if I can get a "stroller loan", similar to how one gets a car loan. And one crib I clicked on that looked very decent and not really that unlike the other three hundred I viewed was $5,500. That's when I started to sweat. Thankfully I have seen much more reasonable cribs...because for a second there I thought they all cost that much. I thought well if that's the case they can share a crib until they are 13. Infant car seats that apparently click in and out of everything - that will run you another $400... oh and don't forget to double everything!

We can easily drop a few grand in the next little while. You think I'm complaining don't you? I'm not, I'm excited! These are not purchases I need to justify, like a 3rd pair of strappy wedges (which I really do need by the way)...these are mandatory things my babies need.

And what baby wants, baby gets.

Here is a picture of a room I fell in love with - we're trying to create a cute gender neutral space for our babies, because their sexes will be a surprise for everyone...us included. I just love the look and I think we can pull it together nicely.

Tales from the "Been There Done That"...er 40 years ago

Here's my favorite American Dad telling on his 4 year old grandson...What a hilarious account...I couldn't help but share.

"Daughter in law left for Chicago this am on business, but left instructions on how to handle the kids (can't be done). I was given the keys to an Infinity, but it has 100,000 miles on it, and as many buttons. The little boy tells me he goes to McDonald's all the time...so to kill time I take him. Have no idea where it is, but he tells me. Have no idea how to order anything at McD's except a senior coffee. He gets that order which costs $8 but has some kind of a toy in it, which i have no idea how to assemble. Decide to take him to the library and tell him it's ok to run and shout inside there. He tells me he's going to tell his mother on me. Home we head - have no idea where I am, but am too embarrassed to ask the 4 year old for directions. Finally find our way home and I tell him it's nap time. He says he "doesn't take 'cause he's a big boy". I check my watch and it's only noon and not 5PM."

Amac and Bmac...of course...

We thought long and hard about what we would call our little pumpkins while they are chilling out in Nickole's "Spa d'Uterus"...and came up with Thing One and Thing Two, which is fun and works because we won't know the sex...I'LL REPEAT THAT WE WILL NOT BE FINDING OUT THE SEXES!...but a friend of mine called today and she referred to Baby A and Baby B (which is what the clinics refer to them as) as Amac and Bmac. Well of COURSE they are Amac and Bmac! I am Lmac, and the man who started it all is Cmac.

So...Amac and Bmac are doing great! Amac is measuring 8 weeks and 5 days, with a heartbeat of 168 and Bmac is measuring 8 weeks and 4 days, with a heartbeat of 158. All is well and we could not be happier!!!

Thank you to Salla and Nickole for your generous hearts, and making our dreams of a family a reality.
xoxo

I think I Need to Go on Birth Control

Oh you laugh, but you weren't me, walking briskly towards home with a pregnancy test in fist (cheapest one I could find because really...who are we kidding?) I find it (only slightly) amusing that for the first time in my life I LITERALLY was praying that it wouldn't be positive...because you hear the stories all the time don't you? Stories of incredible odds after years of struggle...like, "Oh, my friend? She was done with fertility treatments, and decided to just live her life, and then BOOM, she got pregnant JUST LIKE THAT." Or my favorite, "our friends adopted a baby, and then 2 months later found out they were pregnant!" These stories are fascinating to the fertile, and ANNOYING to the infertile...especially when you know that's never going to be you. And what's even stranger, is that everyone knows someone like that!!! lol - You'd think being immersed in a world of women who blog about infertility on a DAILY BASIS, I'd know one!

In any event, I had to rule out a pregnancy because I like wine.

I don't think I need to announce the results.

And I don't think I need to say that I'm very much enjoying this chardonnay.

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 2

Hello everyone in blogging land,

Just a quick update form the nesting place… On Tuesday March 8th we found out that Lisa and Chris are going to be the parents of 2 wee ones ..all cozy side by side for the long haul in their little jelly bean looking water beds.

THE NEST IS NOW FULL

OMG I was so happy it was ONLY two….. I mean wow one would be easy come on I have done that one three times before, but hopefully having 2 in there will be about the same. Uncomplicated!

I guess this time labor and delivery will be the different factor. This is where having twins terrifies me…. C-section :-( ...weeks after delivery of living on the main floor of my home so as not to pop stitches.

How will I care for my family? More importantly …how will I rule the roust if I can’t even climb to the top??? Hummmm sounds like problem solving time.

When it’s all said and done it will all be well worth it to have helped Lisa and Chris complete their family.

I could not be happier that the universe put Lisa and Chris and myself on colliding paths they are the perfect people to take a journey with. They are by far the perfect example of the statement, "if at first you don’t succeed TRY, TRY again", and I love that.

As of right now I am feeling about the same as normal hungry enough to eat an entire breakfast buffet in the morning and too full to move in the evening …… lol not sure that will ever change.

I feel like I am expanding at an alarming rate however to look at me you would not say so…..my pants would say different ….. thank goodness pants can’t talk!

Thanks for reading!

Thing One and Thing Two...

OMG twins! We found out yesterday that Nickole is carrying two of our little bubs...all cozy up and comfy in her perfect little space. Seeing the heartbeat flicker on the monitor made me so excited I could have thrown up. That's the best way to describe it...and no, it's not very romantic or mother-like, but I'm just tellin' it like it is. It was the excitement and shock running through my body. It was like butterflies that felt like boulders...combined with a rush of excitement and the end of 6 years of disappointment. I can't deny I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop... But no this is going to work! The babies are growing right on target, and at exactly the same rate, with good strong heartbeats. I'm a very proud mummy right now.

Chris and I just watched a segment on the news about baby monitors and it's as if the report was made for us. I said, "omg, how are we going to DO this?" (joking of course) and his quick reply was, "I DON'T KNOW - WE'RE SCREWED!" lolol - he was joking too of course and said, "we're going to be awesome, we're 40!" lol - okaaay... Pros and cons I suppose.

Who would have thunk it? Me and Chris with 2 babies just like that. Enter Nickole, our little baby savior. Just so easy like, "meh, I get knocked up real quick y'all." Ok that's Britney Spears talking, not Nickole, but she's just as fertile. Our luck may suck when it comes to my body, but I sure did knock it out of the park when it came to the wonderful people we recruited to help make this happen. Yay team.

We have another ultrasound with Dr. A's clinic in 2 weeks and then we will be released to a high risk doctor at Credit Valley Hospital. This brings me great comfort, knowing that a high risk doctor will know exactly how to keep not only our babies safe, but Nickole, and will most likely be familiar with IVF and PERHAPS (if we're lucky) surrogacy. I hope that we have a doctor who can be a little more kind and empathetic than the doctors we've dealt with lately. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and had Dr. A. even mumbled, quietly, under his breath, the word "congratulations", I would have sung his praises. But he chose not to look me in the eye, be in one of his "moods" and talk to Nickole like I didn't exist. Oh, and this has nothing to do with Nickole...I love her for what she's doing for us, and that's the end of the story. But why is Dr. A such a Douche-bag? Why can't he just say, "congratulations...I know it's been a long and sometimes painful journey for you and Christopher." For god's sake - we have a surrogate and donor eggs - this doesn't warrant a little clinic celebration? To what lengths do people have to go to get a little "congrats" from him?

Like I said, I would love to be grateful for everything he's done for us, but at the same time, this success probably has little to do with this particular clinic, and everything to do with our lovely young donor, and wonderfully fertile surrogate...and we'll give a shout out to the endocrinologist, who did a bang-up job.

Oh wow...where did I go? This is supposed to be my shiny happy post...so I'm going to stay here, in the moment, and enjoy every little bit of it. I just had to get that off my chest...and I know it's early to be talking smack, and I hope I don't jinx it all, but I just thought it was important to stay honest, and speak my mind. This is my blog after all.

Nickole & Jon...well what can I say? They're the bomb. We could not have picked easier people to do this with - just so easy, and as I've said this a million times to describe Nickole, CHILL! She's like super chill and what could be better for my bubs, than to be in super chill tummy. Imagine Thing One and Thing Two in my boulder size butterfly tummy? See where I'm going with this? Not good... but we'll be good and ready to catch those babies, and we'll make the best parents EVER!

Can't wait...I just can't wait!

Oh, 40 weeks will be October 27th (sorry mum - a day off yours!!) but twins will likely be earlier than that. Hoping we can go as long as possible, but what will be will be.

Nickole has informed me that she's writing a blog report - so make sure to leave her some comments please!!! I know she'd love it.

I’ve been quiet recently, partly because I didn’t want to jinx anything, and partly because I am STUNNED! It’s a strange thing to have something finally work…it’s a strange high, and then you have to just get on with it. I think people were more excited than I was - or it might have appeared that way, but it was a protection thing. With everyone knowing at such an early stage, it was like, “Yes, I’m over the moon, but WAIT…’cause we’re not in the clear yet!!” I know it’s not a positive way to think, but remember where we’re coming from.

On Tuesday we accompany Nickole to the heartbeat ultra sound, and I think from that point, chances will be pretty good that we’re well on our way. I’m excited to know if it’s one or two! I know the chances of two are greater because of Nickole’s high numbers. I’d be beside myself with either option – I think Chris would prefer one…but he’s definitely up for the challenge of two…or let’s put it this way – he doesn’t have a choice!