After my monitoring appointment, and at the request of my husband, I found myself in the lineup of a very packed MacDonalds. In front of me was a mother with an infant and a toddler at her side...I would guess about three years of age. This child...this child was... well I'm not sure I can describe just how awful he was. He spun like a top, grunting and spinning about, lifting up his shirt and bellowing, "RHHAAAAAAAAAH RHAAAAAAAAH RHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" to his mother, who was visibly annoyed AND ignoring him. He then decided to run at her, hitting her purse and swinging it off her arm. He did this 4 or 5 times, until his mother finally said firmly, "stop." At that point he figured his magic was working on mom and started snapping "I WON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!! OK MOM? I WON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!! OKAAAY MOM?" Guess what happened next. Yep - attack of the purse, but this time he pushed it so hard that it flew out of her hand and spilled onto the floor. Resigned, she silently picked up her belongings while devil child tried to push her off her crouch...and for one tiny moment I thought to myself...
I'M GLAD THAT MY IVF WAS CANCELED.
Ok not really, but it WAS perfect timing. With the possibility of this IVF working and becoming a mother, someone was showing me that it's not always all it's cracked up to be. It gave me a moment of relief...that I would not yet be burdened with a child I'm not entirely sure I could love.
Then I realized that my child wouldn't be that child - he was someone else's child. And of course she loves her child - any mother would love their child no matter what. But it did give me a bit of comic relief and given the timing, I thought it was a nice little gift from the heavens above...like they were winking at me saying "are you SUUUUURE???"
I finally said to her, "it's gonna be a looong day huh? Nap time soon?" which I guess is just totally fucking annoying if you're a mom on the cusp of a nervous breakdown...but if she knew my situation, she might have had a bit of a sense of humor. A dirty glare was all I got...and I just shrugged and thought "good luck with that."
THE IVF was canceled because I no longer have 3 and 4 follicles, but only 2 on my left side...yeah, the side with no fallopian tube. Thanks. Lot of good that'll do me. I met with the doc in his office and we both agreed that this cycle was a bust.
But to finish off the cycle, I am to take one more dose of Gonal F tonight. This will grow the follicles up, and then I'll trigger on Tuesday so that they can release and not become cysts.
What's next? I have no idea... but I am leaning towards something radically different.
4 comments:
am laughing outloud about THAT child as it could quite easily have been one of mine - have had that situation on very recently - yeah perhaps it was a sign from his holyness but yes, regardless how they behave we mothers still have the ability to love them very much. Now, your turn is still to come but it can't all be over yet - surely not!? So what could be totally radically different - surrogacy is the only thing I can think of......?
Oh darling, I just was catching up on my blogs and read this post, and my heart is breaking for you. I'm so very sorry for your cancelled cycle, and I'm praying the Lord guides you in your next steps!!
Great post Lisa ... yes, **that** child surely cannot be yours but guess what, a child like that will be yours one day soon. That mom is probably pulling all her hair out. Parenthood ain't easy that's for sure. Nonetheless, we want a baby for you.
Love ya girl
L
LOL! Definitely one of mine. But I would have loved your comment.
I can't wait to hear your stories, she will be a mini you and will drive you crazy! See, I already have her pictured.
Janet
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