The Search for "The One"

It has been a very busy week indeed and with the help of a few friends I’ve learned an incredible amount about the process of finding a suitable egg donor. You may or may not be aware that egg donation within Canada is perfectly legal. I was surprised by this too, but it’s not the obtaining of the eggs that is illegal, it is the purchasing of the eggs that is illegal. One can, however, pay for the expenses incurred by an egg donor, because while they are doing this altruistically, they still need to be compensated for their incidentals…

At least that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

It’s somewhat understandable in a sense, as under law eggs are considered “body parts” and we can’t start trading body parts for money. Imagine, “Perfectly good ticker goes to the highest bidder!” It makes sense…but then what is sperm considered??…because it’s perfectly legal to buy sperm. What is the difference? Where’s the equality?

Why do the powers that be in this country always manage to screw everything up?

Now as a result, we Canadian women have to skulk around, wheeling and dealing like a couple of two bit criminals, whispering nervously and sliding figures across the table on dinner napkins. I kid you not – have you seen this? http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/pregnancy/article/728915--hatching-babies-our-black-market-in-human-eggs
Front page of the Toronto Star last Saturday, I seriously just about DIED.

How can we not be looking over our shoulders, waiting for the Men in Black to bust in?

But back to the art of finding an egg donor…I was extremely fortunate. I placed an ad and had an overwhelming response – in part, due to the article as it brought a lot of focus to the subject. At least 5 women mentioned it, and all of them understood my plight. There truly are women out there who just want to help a couple like us start a family. I find it incredible.

Most of the women were great, but one of them stood out from the rest…I can’t quite put my finger on what it was that led me to want her and only her…but it was overwhelming. We have since become connected, and probably will be for life. I think a lot of people think a donor should come and go quietly, never to be seen again, but everything I’ve learned, from the mandatory counseling we’ve had to have to the week long adoption training we’ve taken, has prepared me for “openness”. I want my children to know everything, as early as possible…and I want them to be able to explore their options, later in life if they wish to. I think people are so scared that their child will run off with the donor…it is absurd. Think about it. Nothing can replace the mother who nurtured you from birth, tucked you into bed and read you a story every night of your life, wiped your tears when you fell off your bike, made tacos on Friday and held you tight, until your fever broke.

But I can understand the curiosity that goes along with wanting to know why your eyes are a certain color, and why your skin is a certain tone… curiosity is built-in – we can’t deny it. So why would we? Go, explore, discover…and then come home to me.

What Would MacGyver do?

Well, its been an interesting week to say the least. One thing you may not know about me, is that I'm impulsive. I don't sit and contemplate and think of pros and cons and consider all options like most smart people, I jump in with both feet and usually with my eyes closed. I guess I work from the heart.

The thing is, the quicker I jump in, the less overwhelming the task seems. Until I sit down and actually DO it, its a big unknown that eats away at me...a big overwhelming nagging feeling that won't lift until I get started.

I've learned a lot in a week. First of all, I decided to investigate egg donor agencies...just to get the ball rolling. It seemed a less daunting, albeit expensive endeavor, to be able to put the in's and out's of egg donation into the hands of the professionals. The agency would take care of everything, from legal documents right down to flights, hotels and meals. I wouldn't have to manage any of that. Sounded good to me...until I discovered that my doctor's office won't deal with agencies. Great. Another road block. (Is someone maniacally laughing at me right now? Seriously people.) I was quite upset with this newest glitch having gotten used to the idea of an agency donation, and doing some on-line donor shopping. It was so nice to be able to see all of the donors and to be able to narrow it down to someone with Scottish heritage, brown hair and grey/green eyes. There were a handful of donors I would have been entirely happy to choose...but to do this I would need to change doctors...a-gain. Dr. A. simply won't budge on the issue.

After much discussion with my trusted Peaches, and against my initial inclination, I decided to just try to see if I could find an independent donor - someone local. So I posted a couple of ads in local on-line classifieds to see what was out there in the world of private donation. Not really the path I wanted to go down, but this is how it's done here...this is how people find donors. I've had one response so far and I very quickly learned that "measuring up" goes both ways...I have to measure up for her...so we'll see how this plays out.

I find it incredible this road I'm on - this road to finding a baby we can call our own...absolutely incredible. I don't know a single other person in my life (other than the Peaches) who has had to fight the way I've had to. It used to make me crazy, but now I just realize that this is my "big challenge" ...this is my life exam. Will I pass? Well, who knows...but the fact that I've gotten this far and haven't yet thrown in the towel leads me to believe I will. I have a nickname for myself. It's MacGyver. It's MacGyver because I've always been able to come up with a solution.

The MacGyver in me will figure out a way.

Day-dreaming in Donorville

Do you find it ironic that I have a carton of expired eggs in my fridge? I do. Yesterday around dinner time, I found Chris with his head in the fridge mumbling “what to eat…what…to...eat…” Since there was nothing that came encased in cellophane and with a twist tie, in a box or a can, in a “baked goods” container, a jar, or from Kraft, I knew there would be nothing of interest. He concluded, “nuthin’ to eat but old eggs.”

Would you eat an expired egg? I wouldn’t. In fact, I think I might head to Loblaws after work and disassemble the egg section until I find the best possible “best before” date. I shall then come home and carefully place the eggs into my fridge. I’m not even sure I’ll eat them – but will find peace in knowing they are there and “fresh” and available for use.

Are you smellin' what I'm frying?

I find myself dreaming of becoming pregnant - and soon…and this dream has everything to do with using someone else’s eggs. I can’t help but become excited, just thinking about flipping through pictures in a Donor Book, not unlike flipping through the pages of a magazine and finding the right “pair of genes”. Maybe my uncanny ability to find the best (and usually most expensive) item du jour has prepared me for this final shopping task.

I’m tired of not having a family to call my own and I don’t have much faith in my own ability to conceive… I’m not 100% there yet, but I’m pretty damn close. I think we need to stop day-dreaming, and start living in reality…don’t you?

An Angel

A fairly good weekend. What made it so great was my visit with Elizabeth. She's my chubby, stylish, always-in-a-good-mood friend. Even when she has a fever and her cheeks are pomegranate red, I can always get a smile out of her just by saying "Hi!". She's 5 months old and I AAAADOOOOORE her.

So yeah, good weekend!

Other People's Kids

After my monitoring appointment, and at the request of my husband, I found myself in the lineup of a very packed MacDonalds. In front of me was a mother with an infant and a toddler at her side...I would guess about three years of age. This child...this child was... well I'm not sure I can describe just how awful he was. He spun like a top, grunting and spinning about, lifting up his shirt and bellowing, "RHHAAAAAAAAAH RHAAAAAAAAH RHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" to his mother, who was visibly annoyed AND ignoring him. He then decided to run at her, hitting her purse and swinging it off her arm. He did this 4 or 5 times, until his mother finally said firmly, "stop." At that point he figured his magic was working on mom and started snapping "I WON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!! OK MOM? I WON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!! OKAAAY MOM?" Guess what happened next. Yep - attack of the purse, but this time he pushed it so hard that it flew out of her hand and spilled onto the floor. Resigned, she silently picked up her belongings while devil child tried to push her off her crouch...and for one tiny moment I thought to myself...

I'M GLAD THAT MY IVF WAS CANCELED.

Ok not really, but it WAS perfect timing. With the possibility of this IVF working and becoming a mother, someone was showing me that it's not always all it's cracked up to be. It gave me a moment of relief...that I would not yet be burdened with a child I'm not entirely sure I could love.

Then I realized that my child wouldn't be that child - he was someone else's child. And of course she loves her child - any mother would love their child no matter what. But it did give me a bit of comic relief and given the timing, I thought it was a nice little gift from the heavens above...like they were winking at me saying "are you SUUUUURE???"

I finally said to her, "it's gonna be a looong day huh? Nap time soon?" which I guess is just totally fucking annoying if you're a mom on the cusp of a nervous breakdown...but if she knew my situation, she might have had a bit of a sense of humor. A dirty glare was all I got...and I just shrugged and thought "good luck with that."

THE IVF was canceled because I no longer have 3 and 4 follicles, but only 2 on my left side...yeah, the side with no fallopian tube. Thanks. Lot of good that'll do me. I met with the doc in his office and we both agreed that this cycle was a bust.

But to finish off the cycle, I am to take one more dose of Gonal F tonight. This will grow the follicles up, and then I'll trigger on Tuesday so that they can release and not become cysts.

What's next? I have no idea... but I am leaning towards something radically different.

The Definition of Insanity

So it begins.

I can’t say that I am doing back flips over the results of our first blood work/ultrasound appointment. My FSH level came in at 10.5 (booooooohissssssss) and there are 3 follicles on the left and 3-4 on the right. I think, once again, I am producing a borderline cycle – which means this IVF is going to suck the life out of me…or just plain SUCK. It feels like another cancellation in the making, or the transfer of maybe one crappy struggling embryo. Sorry I hate to be Debbie Downer, but I’m just about done with all this IVF business. As my good friend Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.