Bikini's - Think Outside the Bathingsuit Box

I just read some posts on my girl's/baby/IF/community/anything goes site. The "not-so-itty-bitty" club were commenting on the horrifying and traumatic reality of trying to purchase a bathing suit, which got my wheels turning. Being probably way too conscious and borderline obsessive with my weight (and lack of height in combination)I can completely relate. They might not be able to relate to me, being that I know I am slim to most, but I do understand looking in the mirror and being shocked and awed...and not in a good way. Just yesterday, I shopped for a bikini top and realized that I was trying on tops intended for 20 year old boobs...not unruly, shapeless out-of-control boobs. The stores generally have dim-lit pot lighting (very clever but I'm no dummy) and although its dim, it shows every lump and bump on the way down. Now, replace that dimly lit source of light with the largest source of light known to man, and you've got yourself some serious problems.

This is why I work out so much...and not having had babies, I have had the luxury of time to do so. Had my life's taken the more normal route of easy conception, I may not be as fit as I am today.

I do, however, think there are 2 separate neuroses when it comes to putting it all out there in the noon day sun. The obvious one being weight, but the other one, not given nearly enough credit, is age. There is no question I can fit into a bikini and look good...in candlelight...and my friend L (a member of the "not-so-itty-bitty club") probably wants to smack me right across my face when I whine, which I shouldn't, but I think the issue for me, these days, is not so much about weight, but the fact that I am FORTY.

FORTY year olds, unless they are Ursula or Jennifer Aniston, should not be wearing bikinis. There's just no reason for it. Plus, you scrutinize yourself in a bathing suit (as mentioned above) in front of your bedroom skinny mirror with a "warm-yellow" 40-watt light bulb far off in the distant corner of the room, and think, "I can pull it off." And "yes you can!"...if its 8:00pm or later.

Which brings me to my bathing suit solution: the Lululemon "speedy" short. It has a soft smooth band of Lycra type material right below the bellybutton, a built-in undie, and a very short short. Its skimpy enough to pass as a bathing suit, but not so skimpy that your dimply butt is hanging out for everyone to see. You could pair it with a bra-like bikini top, or if your stomach is an issue, you can wear a tankini top. The only thing they don't recommend is swimming in chlorine, as obviously these are shorts and aren't tested for pools. Its really not a pool look as the intention with a pool is to go for a swim, but if you are at the beach, or simply watching the kiddos by the pool, I think this is a great solution.

So what does everyone else think?? Does it work for you and your lifestyle?

SHG: The New Water Boarding

Yesterday's Sonohystogram wasn't the slightest bit pleasant...I mean, we all know going in that spreading your legs, having a speculum inserted (always an extra special treat) and liquid shot through your tubes isn't going to compare to say, a day at the spa, but generally its pretty quick. In my case, however, and don't be jealous, I get the balloon treatment. Sounds like fun right? Its a balloon on the end of a catheter, shoved up and over your cervix and into your uterus, and then - and here's where it gets good stay with me - they BLOW IT UP so they can stretch out your uterus and have a look. I'm telling you its gotta be worse than water boarding - too bad men don't have uteruses because I'm pretty sure this could be an effective torture tactic. The pain is searing, its like period cramps gone wrong. There's more.. My uterus is narrow and doesn't like foreign objects obnoxiously shoved into it...it expels the balloon - slips it out and says NO! NO WANT BALLOON RIGHT NOW! and assumes the fisty-cuffs position. FOUR TIMES PEOPLE FOUR TIMES I had to have this procedure repeated because my uterus (who I need to have a serious talk with) once again decided to misbehave. My new doc, who yesterday I wanted to backhand right from the stirrups position, was very apologetic and later called to make sure I was alright. He said what we did today must have been very traumatic, and wondered if I had any serious pain, fever, etc. I lied and said I was feeling ok...and then spent the night writhing with stomach pain from the 4 heavy duty anti-biotic pills I had to take all at once to stave off any future infection...like a hydrosalpinx.

I'm glad I stuck it out because there was no way I was coming back to try it again another day. I was determined to potentially put SHG's behind me forever. But to be honest, if that balloon had slipped out a 4th time, I wouldn't have been able to continue. It was becoming unbearable, it had been an hour and a half of this, and I was verging tears. I have to say that this whole baby making business is so barbaric and awful - how can anyone endure this type of constant prodding and poking...only to end up disappointed over and over again. I know many women who can't handle the process and give up - live a life without fertility treatments and choose another path. I can now understand how they come to that decision. Sometimes it's all just too unbearable.

Having said all that, things look ok...my uterus is narrow, and small, but once again my mother made my day with her unknowing hilarity...she said "Lisa, MIDGETS have babies." lol - well ok then.

Today my new fert doc did something no other person has been able to do...

Restore my hope.

I was really just going through the motions...doing what the doctor said, taking the vits, getting the operation, floating along like a zombie towards what felt like an unattainable, impossible goal. I have felt this way for a long time, and even though I would shake off the negative thoughts, I was sure they'd be back - ready to seize and destroy any glimmer of hope. I've been conditioned this way - its programmed in now... Hope had left the building...until today.

See, by doing another round of IVF it kept me from having to accept the awful and inevitable direction my life was going to take. A life without children. Not even adoption, with all those beautiful children, abused children, abandoned children out there who would be so loved and cared for by us, were ever going to come our way. It was, by all counts, 100% hopeless...until today.

My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and the Peaches have been a life saver for me, supporting me through every failed attempt, cheering me on again and again, but even they may have a seed of doubt in their minds...with all that has happened so far, is there any hope?

I'm happy to report that there is - there finally is some hope! Everyone can feel hopeful...and here's why.

We had a long talk with our fertility doc today. We were called into discuss the post operative report - they had had a cancellation so we seized the opportunity. Unlike previous visits, his demeanor was softer, kinder, and most importantly, he was feeling very optimistic. He told us that he would be very disappointed if we did not try again with our own egg/sperm. It may not work, but at least we would have no regrets. He told us that now my uterus should be in great shape, and that is half the battle. I said, "of course", but what I really thought was "what's the point - sure - great uterus, shit eggs...what's the point?" I asked him "how can we get better quality eggs? Isn't that the main issue?" He said that its a numbers game and that Lifequest chose to do something he would NEVER do on someone my age...start with BCP. (MOTHER YOU CAN GLOAT NOW - SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT ONE IOTA AND IT BUGGED THE CRAP OUT OF HER - SHE KEPT QUESTIONING IT - SAYING IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.) He said eliminating that is the key...it did nothing but suppress my follicle growth, and at my age it is too much to recover from. He said the more the better, and we wait for a good month. We look at Day 1 - check the bloods - check the LH, no good - cancel. We try again the next month...LH ok? Good - go forward...Day 3 good follicle # - keep moving...Day 7 good follicle growth? Hmmm, not as good as expected - cancel. I thought to myself...wow, you won't waste valuable money on drugs ($300/day) going for something that was never meant to be. I like that idea.

There was so much to the conversation that was positive...we talked about donor eggs/donor embryos, legislation and how its not as intimidating as we think - easy once all the paperwork is signed off on... We wrapped up and I said "ok...well this sounds good...I have to admit I don't have a lot of hope left in me - its been a long haul and..." he cut me off and said "what?" I said, "well it just seems...impossible." He said with a big smile on his face, "why??!!! You have everything to be hopeful for. This is a new direction for you. Don't forget you could have put a 20 year old's embryos in you before your operation and it WOULD NOT HAVE WORKED. EVER. It just would not have worked...so think about it - you put in your eggs that are not such great quality into a toxic environment - you just have no chance. Your uterus should be optimal, there is no endo, your lining is good, you've lost the toxic tube. And if you've already decided on donor eggs/embryos ...forget it!!! You don't need to feel hopeless any more - you WILL BE PREGNANT. There is no question in my mind - our stats are 90% + for donor eggs...YOU WILL GET PREGNANT."

I look at Chris...he says with a smile on his face "oh no...here we go...she's gonna blow!" I BURST into tears...it was impossible for me not to and I hated the fact that I did because I thought this doctor would want none of it...I just couldn't hold it any longer...I just completely broke down...Chris said "don't worry - let it go - its VERY EMOTIONAL!!!" He always lets me cry when I need to - he's sooo understanding that way...I love him for that. I am still breaking down just thinking about it. I WILL BE PREGNANT EVERYONE!!! I am going to have a baby.

Love to you all,
xo