Here we are in Limboland again...where nothing happens and the hope starts to fade. I have officially become the obnoxious caller. The one everyone wishes would just go away. I email Blugerman adoption jokes which I'm sure he rolls his eyes at, and the nurses at the clinic are tired, I'm sure, of telling me to "be patient". How long does it take to book an effing appointment? You open the book, you run your finger down to the next available spot and you write down a name. Easy peasy right? So what on earth is the holdup?

Every day I am bombarded with pics of newborns, and pregnancy announcements. Its difficult. Facebook is brutal!! Its a constant barrage of squirming newborns, eyes half open, wrapped in soft fleece and smelling like baby. I never thought I'd be the type to say this, but maybe I should stay away for a while. I've always enjoyed other people's babies, but right now...well, it really stings.

I hate whining but its all I can muster these days. But that's the nature of the blog...you have to hear the bad too...and right now its officially...BAD.

Moaning Lisa

Wake up and wonder what aches and pains today will bring.
Reach over to turn off alarm that Chris sleeps through daily and realize my shoulder is still frozen.
Wince with pain.
Get up slowly, no more wrenching myself up to the sitting position – recipe for disaster.
Roll to one side, use right arm to prop self up, keeping neck straight, slowly lower legs. Ok, nothing “pinched”. So far so good. Moving on…
Head to the washroom.
Recall sciatic pain down right leg…remember that limping is easier - limp to the washroom.
Look in mirror. Stare with utter disbelief.
?
?
?
Wonder how on earth face could look so puffy. Recall enjoying large bag of Miss Vicki’s chips the night prior.
Notice grey taking over brown. Wonder if growing out grey would look chic or shitty.
Pee while petting 2 cats.
Worry that new cat (who we have very recently adopted and haven’t gotten a litter for yet because we’re lazy…fingers crossed) will hear sounds of flowing water which will then trigger uncontrollable urge to pee himself. (Does this happen to you?)
Figure he must be bursting by now and tell new cat to hang on kitty, just hang on.
Forget and walk past bursting new cat and head for scales in office. As suspected gain yet another pound. Fat or water retention? Who the hell knows.
Brace self at top of stairs while old and new cat do figure 8’s around feet. With only one eye open, try to navigate my way down without a) killing a cat or b) breaking neck. It’s a miracle I make to the main floor in one piece. Make note to clean walls of hand prints.
Let new cat out for the day, feed old cat her kibble.
Strain neck lowering water dish to the floor.
Take fertility pills (this is where you slap your knee and laugh…good one).
Wonder secretly if fertility vitamins the undiscovered "fountain of youth."
Take a 2nd look at grey hair in toaster.
Eat cereal.
Check email (with one hand over eye for clearer vision).
Sneeze. Pull lower back muscle.
Return to upstairs to begin anti puffiness process…

Make mental note to search internet at work for new miracle potion.

Sigh.

WOW! Doc’s office just phoned to tell me I definitely ovulated this month! This is great because we were “on board” if you catch my drift. Oh…but wait a second…I’m pretty sure I ovulate every month…and I’m pretty sure I’ve ovulated every month, for the past 48 months…and I’m pretty sure that I ovulate CD 16-18, which is when we have been..."on board"...without complaining about it even. Yet nothing seems to come of our efforts (roll eyes). Oh boy…who knew this TTC business would be so tricky! Seems like everyone is doing their share, showing up on time, working their full 8 hours, gettin’ things done…but the business is bombing. Scratch head. It doesn’t make any sense, yet here we are. Well! Miracles do happen, right? Pfffft. Please.

Next step is Monday’s meeting with Dr. G.O.H. to review our findings.

Ain’t this fun?!!

Hydro-Monster Be Gone!

So...if you're following along, Dr. G. has us doing a "diagnostics cycle" - which means we are getting a baseline of what my body naturally does - all on its own without fertility drugs. Smart idea now that I think of it (2.5 years later). Anyhoo! Doc's office calls to tell me that I have a very lovely looking follicle on the right side - not the left where the dreaded hydrosalpinx is - waiting to strike dead any living thing inside me. The Hydro Monster!! BRAAAAAAAH! THOU SHALT NOT LIVE! (that's Hydro Monster's voice...in case you hadn't figured that out. Please refer to scary monster picture shown above). So back to the point of the phone call, doc says to "get busy" over the next few days...you know, give it a go. I'll have to break the news to Chris gently...he doesn't like being told what to do...ok Chris I am laughing right now - you are absolutely fuming no doubt. Well you know...get your own blog... (love you!)

Anyway, I have to have Hydro Monster removed from my innerds before any IVF can happen. That means surgery. I am waiting for a surgery date...real patiently I might add...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...

There are 2 girls on the Peach who found out TODAY they are pregnant. A long road for them - very very long road with lots of IVF attempts. I am over the moon for both of them - for the obvious reasons, as well as hope for myself. I think we are all in for about $40,000+ each (not that we give a crapola about the money spent, but just to give you an approximate idea of the level of fuckedness). The only thing that differentiates us is that they both have had pregnancies. For one a miscarriage, for the other a chemical. I beg the powers that be to let them continue to be pregnant and have happy healthy squiggly pudgy pink babies. Twins would be heaven sent, but I won't push my luck.

I really do feel like the last man standing...and its kinda weird since Chris and I don't really have a diagnosis other than the hydrosalpinx and possible DNA fragmentation in his sperm, or old eggs, etc. Good grief it really does seem hopeless...I have to say. I cannot envision a pregnancy at this point, yet I have to stay hopeful because it happens for women all the time. Those who truly thought they'd never ever get pregnant...it does happen. I can't be that screwed can I? Where I never get to have a baby, and I never get to adopt either? WTF?

Anyway, bottom line my ladies got knocked up - and for this moment we'll say, if it happened for them, it can happen for us.

I don't know what it is about writing...sometimes you feel like getting it all down, and other times you just can't bring yourself to do it. Lately, to be perfectly honest, its been more of a case of "I can't be bothered." Horrible attitude huh? Well it comes with the territory I suppose. There are long months of nothingness...just continuing on with no irons in the fire...it makes me crazy and panicked.

I don't know how it happened, but something inside my head clicked on and there it was...my plan. Clear as mud but a plan nonetheless. I have to switch doctors and try another IVF. I don't know at what point I need to give up on the whole project, but it ain't at the ripe old age of 39...that's for shizzle. So here we are - on the cusp of another shot...

The new doc, we'll call Dr. Glimmer of Hope, does things much differently than the old doc, we'll call Dr. Crapola over at the old clinic, we'll call Deathquest. His process is the antithesis of Dr. Crapola's where everyone appears to get the same breakfast, lunch and dinner. And he takes his time, spends hours explaining things, talks things out. The most time I ever spent with Dr. Crapola in a room was approx. 2 minutes (other than the retrieval which I'm sure he feels takes up way too much of his precious time). Dr. G. spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS looking at my girl pipes the other day...TWO AND A HALF HOURS PEOPLE. He had a damn good look and discovered some scary, but fixable things. Dr. G. thinks that if we eliminate these things that could be lowering my chances, and boost up my egg quality, we have a fair shot.

So there it is in a nutshell. Dr. G. called me angry and for the sake of this latest attempt, I am going to put all of my ill feelings about Deathquest behind me and move forward.

Oh, and on Thursday, Chris and I signed the final adoption homestudy papers...we are DONE! We are officially in a position to receive that phone call saying we've been chosen. That's very exciting.

TWO irons in the fire.

(ps thanks N for reminding me to WRITE!!)