It's Official! I'm a Nutbar!

Excuse my inner ramblings, but does anyone know that commercial - the Pedigree Dog Food commercial with "Max"? He was the cute little dog in the pound who didn't have an owner, put his little nose between the barbed wire fence and the narrator says "My name is Max...and I'm a good dog." Well they have Part 2 where Max is adopted - and it shows him being taken out of the pound by a little girl, with her mother behind her with some dog stuff...and then they say "this is Max now!" and you see him jumping on the bed, and in the car with his (dog) buddy and frolicking in the laundry hamper - the music's all happy and fun. I CANNOT CONTROL THE TEARS WHEN I SEE THIS COMMERCIAL. Someone please campaign to get it taken off the air before I have a breakdown. I can't take it. I'm just so damn happy for Max. Why is it happy things are what get me the most. Like when Kerri Strug won the American team the Gold Medal when she aced the vault with a broken ankle...that kind of stuff makes me BURST into tears. I know...pretty nutty stuff. I think that's why I'm so well matched with Chris. Where any other guy might say "you're a nutbar!" He says "I KNOW! Its VERY emotional stuff! Let it out!!" (and then he kinda laughs at me)

He's good stuff that Cmac.

Sprrrrring has Sprrrrrrung!

So…I’ve been taking a bit of a break…if you haven’t already noticed…just to clear the headspace. I also got quite sick with the flu and have spent the last 3 days moaning on the couch. I am on the mend though.

Spring is here in a big bad way – 18 degrees today! Toronto is like a new place…not like the City of Hell it has seemed like for the past 6 months…one can actually go outside and enjoy a bit of sunshine…imagine. Torontonians are like no other species when it comes to spring and the events that follow… People are friendlier – flip flops are worn – patios prematurely set up. There is drinking and laughter…sunscreen, etc. If anyone has earned the right to be over the top on the first sight of spring…it’s us.

Its good timing actually. If this 4th failed IVF had happened, say, November, I think I wouldn’t have felt so…level headed about things.

Speaking of level headed…and I am very level headed (most of the time)…I have been doing a lot of soul searching…what is it recently that makes this process tolerable? I recall a time when I would be completely and utterly gutted to get this latest news, and an “announcement” would put me over the edge…so why now do I feel so ok with things? And then it dawned on me. Sweep #2 is going to happen once the girls are all back at work… I have been living in a constant state of “out of sight out of mind”. All of the girls are out of sight and to be honest its kindof saved me a little. I am now, for the most part, surrounded by men and older women…and there are NO surprises. When the girls get back and start announcing #2 my world will likely be turned upside down again…

But for now I’m ok.

I was thinking about how some women, in my situation, would have lost it by now - completely gone over the edge. I can think of one, in particular, who would NEVER have made it to this stage without needing a straight jacket - and she was much much younger than me and ended up getting pregnant fairly easily! She would have been the one you’d see on the 6 o’clock news on a hospital surveillance video…”this woman, last seen at Toronto General, took the baby at approximately 10:00pm…she was dressed in pink hospital scrubs and is believed to be ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT CRAZY.” Ok…so a little harsh, but I’m just sayin’ – some women go completely nutty when they can’t conceive. And being that we are not living in poverty, we have options…I can’t imagine what its like for women who can’t afford even IUI on a monthly basis. Or a sperm wash or whatever. DAMN CANADA NEEDS TO GET A FRIGGIN GRIP ON FERTILITY ISSUES. Did you know that France pays for FOUR IVF’s!! FOUR. I’d be a lot richer right now if I lived there.

So…the plan is this. Take a little breather…enjoy life as it should be enjoyed…day to day, not consumed by anything…and in about (or exactly lol) 3 weeks time, call the adoption facilitator for a consult.

Just want to say thank you so much to everyone who posted such lovely comments on the blog. It was really helpful to get so much love and support after such a let down…it made me stay strong knowing that I was supported by so many people, and that in some cases, maybe I’ve helped a little by telling the story. So thanks for reading, thanks for supporting and thanks for leaving comments – it means more than you know.

READ THIS PLEASE!

Don't EVER click on a link in the "comments" section of the Blog. You should never have to go to another page to see a comment. These are advertising scams...

Thank you,

The Management

12 Days Post Transfer

What.


So today’s stick showed no promise of pregnancy. Not a stitch although I did eventually get that tiny faint little strip – but even more faint than the first...so I think I’m out gals. I’m pretty sure it’s a design flaw with that kind of stick. I’m sure tomorrow I will waste yet another $15 by using the First Response...might as well – I mean who cares at this point! Its actually fun playing around with the Jiffy Pen.
Beta is Monday so it’s not quite over – not until the fat lady sings. Don’t get your hopes up...something for sure would have shown up today if I were preggers...I think, unfortunately, this didn’t work out. Although what a wonderful story it would have made.
Fear not...I am currently researching adoption...so if this blog interests you it will not stop until someone puts a screaming baby in my arms...
Thanks for hanging out...watching, listening, and your prayers and support...means EVERYTHING to me...specially those Peaches...they have been a lifesaver.
Lots of Love,
Me.

10 Days Post 3 Day Transfer

So woke up at 6:20 – like clockwork to pee and thought...hmmmm...today I should have enough HcG in my urine to detect on a home pregnancy test...right? I mean, I could put myself out of my misery with all this wait and wonder. I could test today and it would be a pretty good predictor of the final result...right? Wrong. I am more confused than ever.
Pee’d on the damn stick to find a complete and utter negative line...devastation ensued. Tears, sobbing, calling into work...can’t come in...can’t speak... Time elapsed and then Chris and I decided we’d go back to bed for a bit – chill out...well it was about 20 minutes later and I grabbed the stick for another glimpse at my childless future...what’s this now? I see something...I kinda sorta see something. But are my eyes playing tricks on me? I have to squint...tilt the stick...go towards the light, etc. But its there...I think. Could it just be too early to detect anything? Or could the test be bum. I know you are not supposed to rely on the results after the instructed time frame (which is 10 minutes) but there’s an effing line!! But don't get your hopes up...it didn't come up right away.
The Peaches. The Peaches make me cry. I just finished reading a couple of posts after apologizing for being such a drama queen and hogging the forum...they made me cry. They are so caring and so awesome...I never thought belonging to this on-line community would mean so much to me. They are EVERYTHING to me. I love them all. Since posting this morning – and showing evidence of the stick in question, they have digitally enhanced the picture for me to show the blue line, they have INVERTED the colors kinda like infrared FBI shit to show that the line, in fact, does exist. They have all cheered over this stick, but too are cautiously optimistic...we all agree. A follow test must be done.
Stupidly, I sped-walked to the Shoppers Drug Mart for more Stix. Came home and immediately pee’d in a cup...Chris's favorite cup for good luck - JUUUUUST KIDDING - held the stick there for 5 and then waited. Nothing but one pink line. I could not even tell you where the 2nd line would appear...a definite negative. No doubt about it...waited 20 minutes...still very negative.
It might be because it wasn’t first morning urine...although it was looking like a good sample – I didn’t drink too much after the first pee... I dunno – it’s all very...uncertain.
I asked Chris – what is your GUT telling you? He said he was optimistic...but cautiously. We laughed because I said “no – give me your TRUE gut feeling” – which clearly he didn’t want to do because his responses then became:
“I’m not sure...it could go either way.”
“I’d say its 50/50 at this point.”
“It’s going to go one way...or the other.”
At least he makes me laugh.

So we wait...we skip tomorrow because LISA NEEDS TO GET HER ASS TO WORK BEFORE SHE GETS THE BOOT, and test on Saturday. If indeed that was a faint positive, it will show up stronger on Saturday. Beta (blood test) is on Monday...it is not unheard of to get a false negative on a home pregnancy test and a positive beta...but rare. There’s still hope...don’t give up hope.

9 Days Post Transfer

I KNOW I can POAS now…but I am far too scared to. I really am such a chicken – I feel that an answer today or tomorrow would 80% be the final result… Some might say, it may be too early to test…but we all know that it’s probably not and if I am truly pregnant it would show up now.

I’m not ready for the answer…if it’s negative. I’m just not ready. I think it would crush me at this point. It’s possible I’ve told too many people…and now I am feeling the pressure. Not the Peach gang – they get to know everything, and not family, but “others” that maybe I shouldn’t have made privy.

There’s good and bad to so many people being “in the loop”. The good is so much positive energy and prayer (if you believe). It certainly cannot hurt the cause. I know that everyone I’ve told is gunning for us – they care so much and that has made my life! The bad is that wow…what a let down for so many people. I know everyone is waiting – watching – hoping – praying… Everyone wants this so bad for me (it’s a nice feeling – trust me)…but a lot of pressure.

I think if things don’t swing our way I am done with trying to make a baby happen inside me. It’s too hard on me…physically and mentally – and I think Chris needs to move on as well and find a solution with a bit more certainty. When I think back to when I was in my 20’s – I remember, because I came from a small family and had a brother who was older and had his own thing going on, I wanted a large family. I used to always talk about 6…that way everyone would have a buddy…but it just wasn’t in the cards. Shame because I am missing family in my life…and right now it feels like it’s the only thing that’s important…the only thing that matters.

Ok…today’s sympts…

Nothing really – just tired…big sore boobs...sore toosh (see below!)

8 Days Post Transfer

This is your ass on drugs.


Anyone comes near this side of my anatomy with a needle and I cannot be held responsible for how I might react...Ninja like reflexes and a needle through your temple... The other side is fine though...strange huh? Its really grim - its itchy and hard and sore...and no longer the once shapely bum used to flaunt. This better be worth it dammit!!

Well I'm sure its the 2cc's of progesterone that is making me want to be horizontal with my eyes closed the entire day. Work was hell - I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the week (not like I'm getting a lot done with my head buzzing the way it is). Isn't this cruel and unusual punishment? Make it end already!

When I came home I said to Chris I really don't feel well - my upper back is really strained and I feel like I'm getting sick. I went directly to couch and slept for 2 hours...and I could go to bed for the night now. I do feel better though...I think this process is taking its toll, not only drug-wise, but stress wise. Promising not to stress too much though...what's done is done and all I can do is hope.