Hold on S...just Hold on...

Poor S. What a crummy couple of week's she's had. I won't go into details because it's her life, but suffice it to say that she's had her fair share of kick-you-in-the-gut type moments. Being the choked up ball of empathy, in combination with my McGiver-like tendencies, I can't help but want to fix it all for her...but this is out of my control. Nor has she asked for a single bit of help and quite rightfully she could...as we are bound and contracted to each other...but she continues to surprise me with her total fucking awesome-ness.

And she's 25 years old people...it's inspiring.

But I remember being 25 and how unsettled my life was. I was dating men I didn't really want to be dating, doing a job I couldn't stand, ignoring bills and ruining my credit ... Most importantly, I didn't treat my friends the way I would treat them now...I wish that had been different... I was a different person then, one I can't say I was too proud of.

But S is different. We were both expected at the clinic today, and she told me she was going to go early. I was aiming to go early as well, but I could not get a grip this morning and ended up being quite late. As I walked into the clinic, my heart sank a little...as from a distance I could see that the sign-in sheet had only 3 names on it. I froze for a second, and said to myself...oh please let S's name be there.

It was...it was there.

She's my little life saver right now. Even if this doesn't work...I will always remember her as the girl who came into my life when I needed someone the most.

My 2010 New Year’s Resolution is...

To stop being UN-pregnant.

I totally think I can pull it off don’t you? I have always had “the will”, but this year…this magical 2010 year, I have “the way”. It comes in the form of a beautiful 25 year old Fin with an abundance of what I’m missing. Fertility.

Here’s where the shivers run down the spine. For whatever strange reason, I missed a period...for like the very first time in my long and successful career in menstruating. This happened about the time I met “S”. Now SHE had just moved here from Finland, and hadn’t had a period in weeks! During her physical we discovered that her body was in shut down mode – that it was confused by the environmental change, and needed to be kick started…so we gave her a medication to induce a period. Would you believe that the very day her period started, mine started as well? I mean is that a sign or what??? I really don’t know if it holds much significance in the grand scheme of things, but given my dismal set of circumstances over the past 5 years, this just seemed like an “Aha!” moment, you know? I mean, honestly, what are the chances??

So this month, the month of January, the clinic will monitor S to see what her body produces naturally. Then next month, if all goes well, we go for it!

So ok, this is very very exciting, yes. I agree there is no “logical” reason to be pessimistic…other than the fact that I am such an underachiever in this department. I can’t help but wonder if I will screw this up too. I mean, my god, it’s not for lack of trying. But is it like watching a gymnast miss the vault and injure herself every--single--time? Eventually you have to look away, because you KNOW she’s just not cut out for it. I wonder if that’s what’s at work here… I don’t like to think that way, because other people make it happen all the time… but it's hard not to.

Just tell me my 6mm uterus will accept this embryo. Please, just tell me this is going to work.

I'm sorry! I really am!

Its been a busy busy time...and every day I think good god, I need to write something down for my peeps. Tomorrow...I promise tomorrow I will buckle down...

Unless I get really busy at work and then throw that out the window.

The Donor World is a Lonely Place

So...I know its been a while, but I guess I've been a little stuck at the keyboard. The writer's block happened as a result of fear - How much can I say, how much should I say? It's not that I'm too proud or that it's "too weird" to talk openly about our need for an egg donor - no, that part I am 100% ok with and actually I'm thankful that this is an option available to me, because let's face it I need the help! It's all the messed up legalities that seem to linger behind it all, and the fact that this is fairly uncharted territory for women like me...who are doing this all on their own with no agency guidance or government backing - just me treading water on my own.

I do have some help. I, of course, have a wonderful husband, and parents who absolutely support this move, and a great couple of friends who have practially fought the fight with me...along my side every step of the way. Then there is another friend who did donor eggs through an agency, and her experience and advice has been invaluable. So although it is me alone, I have some great life support.

As you know we found a great donor. We'll call her "S". It's almost crazy that we lucked into such a willing donor right off the bat. I keep waiting for the ball to drop because it was too easy, and she is too lovely. All I can do is hope that the "powers that be" have been holding their breath waiting for me to make this decision, and once I did they let out a big sigh of relief, high-five'd each other, said "finally!!" and handed me S. That is how I'm processing this - that all this pain and suffering - all of this fight for us to have a family, needed to come down to this final decision, and that they were all just waiting for me to realize it.

Currently she (and in this case "we") are waiting for her period so we can begin the testing required to ensure she is a suitable candidate. She will have blood work drawn to test for all STD's, among other things, a full physical workup, and an ultra sound to ensure that she is producing enough follicles for me. Then we hope that the doctor will give us the green light and then we wait again, for her next period. At that point it would be just like I was doing an IVF, except that she will be doing the egg production part of it. They will "sync" us up so that our bodies are in tune, and she will do the stimulation drugs (injections) to produce as many good follicles as she can. She will have the egg retrieval (bless her heart) and then her part of the puzzle is done. They will then take her healthy 25 year old eggs and fertilize them with Chris's sperm...3-5 days later, they put them back in me and then we begin the dreaded 2WW (two week wait).

BUT one step at a time...for now we wait - we wait for S's period.

You're probably asking yourself, when will all of this happen? Well, if S completes her testing in December, then the IVF can begin in January. I know, it is crazy fast! I can't begin to explain to you how exciting this is for me. This might just work! I really might just work!!