So today was yet another step towards the Big and Final IVF. Met with Dr. S. who is the guy who's going to landscape my uterus. There is serious work to be done my friends... Firstly they need to go in near my belly button - "up to 4 small incisions". All I can say is thank god this isn't happening prior to our trip to Maui...one last searing of my semi-decent 40 year old curves... I also would feel much better going into a surgery with a golden tan and a fresh bikini wax...call me crazy. Anyhoo, they need to do many things...including:

1. remove left fallopian tube.
2. potentially remove right fallopian tube
(I'm rooting for this because then I'll be "insured")
3. assess & clean up scar tissue
4. remove septum
5. leave in catheter (apparently this helps heal uterus with less scar tissue)

Honestly, is it any wonder I can't get pregnant with all this business going on? Its a freakin' yard sale down there. Who knew? Not me. Oh! Apparently ``Lifequest`` knew but we`ll deal with them later. We WILL deal with them later. (I sound scary but I`m really not. Put it this way, if I get pregnant, I`ll put all this behind me. If I don`t and we wasted precious years and countless dollars, I WILL DEAL WITH THEM LATER. Note it.)

So there ya go. Oh, surgery date is JUNE FREAKIN` 4TH! Chris has reminded me that he doesn`t care how much the surgery hurts, he will be expecting a full on organized birthday party the next day complete with full dinner and tier cake... Its not June 5th yet, so we'll see, but for now I've told him where he can stuff a tier.

They told me they often get cancellations and that my surgery might be moved up. I honestly feel quite confident this will happen, although its not a biggie if it doesn`t I suppose - June will be here before we know it...and to be 100% honest, since this is our last kick at the IVF can, I`m not particularly in a rush to get it over with. With a future IVF there`s promise, there`s a plan, there`s hope. Without any of that and no babies...well...it will bring a host of unwanted and needing-to-be-dealt-with emotions, of which I am not ready for. So I`m ok with June 4.

Your Life Lesson For Today

When I sat down to write this post, my initial thought was that 2008 was a waste of time because here we are a year later and we are no closer to getting a baby. But it doesn't take long for me these days to see how wrong I am. I got lots of sleep - there's something I won't get back after kids. I went to San Francisco, Florida and Kelowna...all fun trips (although difficult at times for obvious reasons, but still adventuresome). We continued to be proactive with respect to adoption and our upcoming fertility treatments... This is all a step in the right direction. Without this past year, we wouldn't be where we are today...allow me to explain...

I've had a bit of a revelation lately...and I'm not an idiot, I know there will come a time in the near future where I will feel sorry for myself again, but for now I am feeling very very lucky. There are really, so so many things to be thankful for...all this pouting and "woe is me" just ain't my thing. How can I do that when there are kids starving in the world, kids being abused by their very own parents, people struggling to find a warm place to sleep, lonely people, misunderstood people, victimized people, people with cancer, children with cancer... How can I fucking complain?? I can't - that's the point. And if YOU are none of the above mentioned things then you'd better start counting your blessings too.

Do I sounds harsh? Good. We all get a little forgetful of how good things are for us. Sit back and think about how your life REALLY is - compare it to the rest of the world and you'll quickly understand. This is the new me. Sure, Chris and I have gone through a few rough years, but we are stronger for it. I have learned so much about things like integrity, pity (and how much I hate it), and pride.

I feel stronger than ever - how bout you?