As I write a baby shower card, "enjoy your LAST Christmas before the chaos!" I wonder to myself, could this be MY last Christmas before the chaos? It's strange at this point to project forward to actually picturing a baby in our lives. Is it still possible? Seems IMpossible. Yet here we go, once again. I've always pictured myself with a baby, hell a family, but the stars never seemed to align and year after year, it was just me and Chris, Chris and me. I wonder why I continue to fight this fight. Is it because I'm competitive by nature? Is it because I won't take no for an answer? Is it because I rightfully WANT a family? Is it because I want to prove the universe wrong? Or do I just want a pipsqueak to call my own? I don't really know the answer anymore...all I know is that I want a freakin' pipsqueak.

Beyond words... and so much so I have exhausted all but one option. And so this is it my friends... the last hurrah, if I may be dramatic.

Does anyone read this blog anymore? Well if you do, please send your thoughts in whatever way you wish, for 2011 to be the year that we have a baby to call our own. Please write to this post... send me a little encouragement...I need it.

Happy Holidays to my wonderful family and all of my supportive friends!

Ok don't judge me - I can't help that I'm a sucker for reality TV. Just the other day I was on the bus and thinking, man, I would really have enjoyed watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians" (I never really knew what channel it was on)...and for a brief moment thought this might be a great Christmas gift idea, if it wasn't the most embarrassing thing to have to ask for.

You all know me - I grew up a tomboy, but I do like all things glammy, even if I can't afford any of it. Being a voyeur to 3 fabulous Armenians with endless access to money, clothes, makeup and accessories, I couldn't help but get a giddy up in my step when they announced there would be a "E Hollywood weekend marathon".

And me, with nothing to do but lie around and eat Doritos.

It's ridiculous dialog - you know, nothing of much consequence, but Bruce Jenner, my new favorite Olympic dad, just spent an episode freaking out about his youngest daughter, who is 12 and wearing enough kohl to embarrass Cleopatra... but he said this and I thought about my own poor dad, who I grew up thinking was the BOMB, only to eventually rebel against his STRICT AND CONTROLLING ways.

I'm not apologizing for my disgusting behavior, simply showing that ALL girls go through this...and that it was nothing personal.

Bruce said,

"I think the toughest thing for any dad is to watch their little girl grow up.. You know, when they start off they just love their dad, they wanna hang with dad, and then all of a sudden the hormones hit, and you become the enemy...and you know, it's tough on a dad."

Pretty much sums it up!