Uh…yes, hello? Is it ok if I come in? Sorry I’m late. Oh, uuuh…you look a little… irritated…tapping your foot like that, but I got held up with a lot of stuff…some emotional stuff too.
It’s been a busy busy summer, and even though I thought fall would never come, it arrived in a flash because we have not stopped for months. Since the beginning of April we have been preparing for twins,, but not just the kind where you put two cribs together, we have been demo-ing the house and rebuilding it. The basement was gutted to the bones, and rebuilt into a cozy basement with entertainment center, plush carpet and open space. A brand new bathroom was also created with gorgeous tiled shower and space for washer/dryer. God do we love that new space. On the heels of completing that work, we put in new carpet upstairs on the top floor - the bedroom floor. One would think it’s no big deal and that they can install carpet in a few hours, but it’s the preparation before and after that’s exhausting. Everything had to be off the floor, off the walls, doors removed, closets emptied to 4 feet high. Everything was piled up downstairs in our livingroom…and stayed there for weeks making me feel like I could be on an episode of “Hoarders: Buried Alive”. I could have put it all back together fairly easily, but it was a great opportunity to start from scratch and put only what we wanted back upstairs. Plus we were creating a new room upstairs – a twin nursery. Once I have the room more or less done (although no doubt finally knowing the genders will influence the final look/colors of the room) I will take a few pictures.
I think I may have had a bit of depression over the summer. Part of me thinks the reno’s kept me busy, but part of me thinks it might have been better for me to have had this time to grieve the end of a 6 year battle with IF. Yes, we fought hard. Yes, we overcame. Yes, we are about to finally have the family we have always dreamed of … but it all came with a price. I didn’t get pregnant ever. We spent thousands and thousands of dollars on failed treatments. I never carried a child. I won’t have a child who shares my genetics. Despite spending 5 months preparing for adoption, we never ever received a phone call…which hurt me tremendously. All of these emotions that have been slowly simmering over the years I have had to put out of mind to focus on what’s next. Every time something failed, I would pick my chin up and move forward. There wasn’t any time to pout or process…we needed to keep moving forward, and this helped by giving me something to focus on, other than failure. But once we finally succeeded, I was not filled with elation. There were a lot of sad feelings there… I’m sure the people closest to me thought I was nuts – that this should be the happiest time of my life! What’s wrong with you?!! I didn’t feel that way at times…I wanted to cry when people talked excitedly about it. And I understand people’s excitement – we have had so many people cheering us on for so many years it could only have been expected that our entire world would be cheering and jumping up and down for us. But I couldn’t expect people to understand that despite this incredible joy, six years of fight fight fight was brought to an end …and with that came an overwhelming flooding of emotions and sadness I could no longer ignore...or hide.
I’m feeling good though… I feel like I’ve worked through it on my own, although I probably could have used professional assistance!!! But walking by the babies’ room and inhaling that baby detergent smell on their fresh clean sheets has me melting at the thought of two little babies, MY babies, coming home to their beds. I am so excited to meet these little ones that I have worked so hard on bringing into this world. I am so proud of what we have created for ourselves and our families. I am an IF survivor.
Nickole has been the best surrogate a couple like us could possibly ask for. There is not a shred of doubt in my mind that she wasn’t the perfect person for this role. Not only has she given us the greatest gift of all, she has also given us peace of mind that these babies have been given the healthiest possible start to their lives. Nickole is the picture of health and has handled this pregnancy like a champ, even though I know the days are rough for her, and the nights rougher. She has been having trouble sleeping. Amac likes to party in her ribs at night and Bmac likes to torture her with what feels like “Indian Rug Burn”. She has been sleeping on the couch, propped up – that is what she finds most comfortable to get a few quick zzzzz’s. It can’t help that 4 year old, M thinks it’s morning and time to play…at 4:30am.
The babies (at 31 weeks give or take a day) were measuring an impressive 3.5 lb’s each and the hope is that for the next 6 weeks they will grow .5 lb per week, resulting in a birth weight of 6.5 lb’s. That would be absolutely fantastic…and I keep everything crossed that the babies and Nickole can make it to 38 weeks. I believe the doc mentioned that he would not take Nickole beyond 38 weeks as there is no benefit at that point, only risk.
Ok so there is your official update! Thank you so much to those of you who have been “prodding” me for an update. I appreciate your curiosity and concern and feel so loved when I get a reminder update. Promise to post more as we hope to be finished everything this weekend and can just relax and rest up before the chaos hits! I can’t wait!
