BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it a thing of beauty?!

Sorry it's taken me since Monday to post... Nickole called me early Monday morning after reading my "must wipe the counter tops again" post. She decided she would give it a shot, and low and behold, it came up good and strong and positive RIGHT AWAY! She's so cute - she texted me several times at 6:30 am, worried she would wake us up before the alarm. I wouldn't have cared if she called at 2am. She said she was up so early she didn't quite know what to do with herself...and then wrote, "call me, I have some questions."

I have to admit, I was hoping she had POAS, but I wasn't expecting it either because we had talked about when we would. We KNEW she could test on Monday, but it still might have been early...so I said it was up to her, but not to mention if she did, and she tested negative. She told me she just wouldn't POAS...problem solved.

But you see, Nickole has this uncanny ability to KNOW she's pregnant, and let's not forget that she's FERTILE AS ALL GET OUT, so she probably had a hunch, and went with it.

Anyway, I called her right away and she said "what are you doing right now?" I said I was "doing my eyebrows" lol - and she said, ok take the stick away from your eyes...because I have something to tell you." POSITIVE... OMG IT'S POSITIVE!!!! I screamed - like literally screamed...I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.. but then again, it's Nickole and she was like "shrug, I'm pregnant." Like easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Chris and I are OVER THE MOON!!!! And my emotions have taken me on an incredible journey. The emails, congratulations and support have been absolutely overwhelming, and I KNOW this is early days, but I decided a long time ago, to be an open book on this by having this blog, so no 12 week wait for us... how can I hold out on you now?

Ok sorry this is a real ramble of a post, but I just wanted you to know that we are absolutely overjoyed by this, and can't even believe it! We're going to be parents! And this unbelievable fact is something I thought might never happen.

We love our Nickole - she has been so incredible and supportive and excited...she feels like part of our family now...and forever will be.

More soon... but I just wanted to let you know the great news!

Please pray for Nickole and for us, that this pregnancy will thrive and our baby(ies) will grow and heartbeats will be seen, and fingers, toes, and everything else will come easily!

Love to you all!

This is Torture.

I guess I'll go wipe the kitchen counter tops again.

Yesterday Sucked

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally even though I didn't quite realize it until it was all but done. Just an off day, with a series of events that left me feeling pretty damn useless (like taking a huge mouthful of boiling water forgetting it wasn't cold and burning my entire mouth, to dropping just about everything I picked up). The girls at worked joked that I should just go home, wrap myself in bubble wrap, and call it a day. I guess as much as I tried to put all of this out of my mind to concentrate on work, it loomed somewhere behind the surface... Fortunately my work does not involve danger... just ugly carpet and padded cubicles.

Today is a brand new day though and I don't have to work! And I'm proud to announce that a tiny morsel of me thinks, this could really be happening! I feel terrible for posting negative thoughts, but such is life. I can't always be expected to be chippy and optimistic...

Just another day closer to the big test... Today I can't deny it, it's exciting.

The Game of Emotions

I've gotten so many great emails - you are all so excited and can't contain yourselves, and I am so grateful for the support.

I know this is such a great shot...I KNOW this, but you have to understand that I have had nothing but disappointment for 6 long years. And as much as I want to jump on the "OMG THIS IS IT!" bandwagon, I can't...because I just can't. I know the chances are good. I know that putting 25 year old embryos into a surrogate with a perfect uterus bumps our chances substantially, but falling on the "wrong side of the stats" for so many years has ruined my ability to be optimistic.

I hate to sound so down about it all. I hope that when Nickole reads this she understands...it has nothing to do with being grateful, for which I am incredibly...it's just that this infertility disappointment shit gets in the way. I'm officially broken down by it.

But I do know, outside of me and my mind, that our chances are good - BETTER than 50/50, but 50/50 is where I stay...kindof like roulette. It's either red or black, red or black.

Transfer Day!

Well today went really well. We arrived at the clinic on time, even though Dr. A was 45 minutes late. Poor Nickole had a full bladder and was becoming more and more uncomfortable...but she is such a trooper. She was told she could "go a little" if she needed to, but joked that after having 3 kids, if she let the floodgates go, there was no turning back. Eventually she had to just try, and Dr. A said not to worry about it too much. I know what it's like to "half pee" - its almost worse, but it does alleviate a little bit of pressure.

We finally got taken to the room, where Dr. A explained the embryo situation. The top and bottom embryos are good blasts, the bottom one being the stronger of the two. I am officially saying that bottom embie is a boy and top embie is a girl. The two in the middle (one on top of the other) Dr. A said were likely not going to make it, and the outer two he wanted to put in as well, for a total of 4! Nickole and I agreed that 3 was enough thank you very much, because we did not want our own reality show, so we said, no, let's stick with 3 and so Dr. A. told the embryologist to pick the stronger of the 2 (outer ones). Chris was happy we made this decision as well because we had discussed it at length...So 3 it is! Nickole was a trooper throughout the transfer, which I know can be a little uncomfortable, but she is never a complainer...I guess after delivering 3 kids, this is a walk in the park!

Very relieved and very thankful to be on this side of the transfer! It's been a long haul, and I so hope this will finally be the route we were meant to take!

Nickole is to start progesterone suppositories now (sorry Nickole) and on Thursday she goes for a progesterone check - to make sure she has enough to sustain the pregnancy...and then 9 days from now (next Thursday) she can take the blood test. I have left her in charge of testing...if she wants to test at home, she can, if she doesn't want to, and would rather wait for the bloodwork, that's fine too. I've told her if she DOES want to test at home, to only call me if it's positive lol! ...but I think she wants to wait... or at least that's what she's telling me for now...so I don't think "oh no, she's not calling because it's negative." Anyway, it is what it is at this point...it will either work or it won't - so no point wringing our hands for a week...although I know we all will!!

Tales from The Nesting Place - Chapter 1

Okay So I am not too familiar with posting blogs for everyone in the world to read but here it goes….

The Cole's notes version

Tomorrow I will embark on a journey of epic proportions (for some) that will hopefully change lives forever.

I LOVE BEING A MOM.it is by far my greatest accomplishment, Every day is fun an exciting you never know what’s going to happen, ONE BIG ADVENTURE!!!!!

They are just so darn CUTE..

All of my pregnancy’s were as enjoyable as being trapped with a giant beach ball attached to the front of you could be. But worth every min of itchy skin, back ache, leg pins and needles .etc……..(typical preggo stuff)

After my husband and I had our cutie pie M 4 years ago I told him that being a surrogate was something I would really like to do, I just thought I have such an easy time of it and I truly consider it a gift and gifts were meant to be shared.

We together decided to complete our own family before taking the idea of being a surrogate under consideration.

We decided to go ahead in October of 2010, so over the last few months I have had my insides view more time’s than ever before……. I did not even know that they had internal ultrasounds….. EAKKK NOT FUN but a necessary evil . AND blood work……omg. maybe the clinic is really a blood bank reserve for vampires…. (LOL just kidding)

I am so excited and frightened at the same time LIKE riding a roller coaster so excited to get aboard then wait in limbo as the cart moves along the track….. as you reach the peak (where it fun begins ) your heart, stomach and anything that felt the need to migrate north are now in your throat.

TOMORROW is my PEAK DAY!

I will apologize in advance that I am not nearly as entertaining in my writing as Lisa but I will try….from time to time.

Please Stay tuned form time to time for updates from…..

THE NESTING PLACE.

GREAT NEWS FROM THE PITRI DISH!

So...as it turns out, The Great Thaw of 2011 happened on Friday, not Thursday as we had thought. Got a call this morning from Marissa who happily gave us the news... here are the stats...

2 strains of embryos were thawed (3 embryos each)

2 of them are 8 cell, Grade 1 (you can't get any better than this)
3 of them are 8 cell, Grade 2 (still very very good)
1 of them is 7 cell, Grade 1 (excellent still!)

GO EMBIES GO!

Chris and I really can't contain our excitement and did a little happy dance in the kitchen after the call. Let's just say he's proud of his boys.

I just really hope this is the start of something wonderful.

Check back for more!!

No Fert Results...

No big surprise here.

The clinic said "after we defreeze the embryos, you will receive daily reports on how they are progressing." That would mean that after they took them out on Thursday, that FRIDAY I would receive the first report. It would have been an important milestone...to see if they survived the thaw and were thriving as they should be...but nope...no report yesterday. Like I said, no big surprise.

Hoping today will bring us some good news... and here's hoping I don't have to call them.

In other news, I have asked Nickole if she would be interested in writing a few words from her perspective. A friend of mine did this on her blog, and it was nice to read about the experience from the surrogate's point of view. So stay tuned for an update from Nickole. I think she is planning one for the transfer day. Can't wait to read it!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE HERE! OHMIGOSH

Nickole and I met yesterday at Union Station for her pre-transfer ultrasound and blood work. She decided to bring the kids in to the appointment, and as excited as I was to see them, I did have some butterflies knowing that I would be babysitting for the duration of Nickole's ultrasound. I pictured a really crowded waiting room full of bitter infertiles (they hate it when kids go to fertility clinics) and I pictured E in tears, screaming for his mommy, and M asking in a really loud voice, "WHY IS MOMMY HAVING YOU A BABY?" I can't lie, I was up at 3am running scenarios through my mind, like, "because my tummy is broken, but mummy's tummy works really good!" You know, it gets a little tricky sometimes... and kids just keep asking "why?" You know, "Why is it snowing?" "Because it's cold." "Why is it cold?" "Because it's winter time." "Why is it winter time?" "Because we have 4 seasons, and right now it's winter." "Why do we have seasons........" and so on and so on and so on. I am just glad that M was more interested in playing games, than being the first little person to ask questions.

I was super relieved when we ended up being the only people at the clinic. I shut the door to the waiting room and let them run around...in circles, with heavy boots on, until Dr. A came storming in and said "what's going on in here!?" M & E shrieked with delight, thinking Dr. A was having fun with them... but I think he was misunderstood... lol. Loves it. Just try and yell at me in front of them!

So let's get down to the nitty gritty. Nickole's ultrasound and blood work came back VERY good. Her lining is 13mm and it has the triple stripe pattern. What's that you ask? Who the hell knows, I just know you want it! She's also set to surge tomorrow which means tomorrow they will un-freeze 5 or 6 of our frozen embryos to grow them out to 5-day blastocysts. This is officially when the roller coaster of emotions kicks in, wondering from day to day if our babies will survive the thaw. Thankfully I am not all crazy and hopped up on Gonal-(bar)F like I have been in the past...although I am expecting my period any day now, so I shouldn't make promises I can't keep. I will be eating my way through this weekend.

Emotional update: Feeling cautiously optimistic.

Transfer Date - February 7, 2011

Day 3 with Nickole went very well. Picked her up at the Spadina subway and we walked to the clinic together... She had the usual blood drawn, and a vaginal ultrasound to see how things are looking, and apparently things are looking good. In the meantime, I had a chat with the doc. He said that a day 3 embryo transfer normally happens on Day 18 of a cycle, but because we are doing a Day 5 blastocyst transfer, it would occur on Day 20 (2 days later). That brings us to February 7th. Nickole did some blog digging to see what I was doing last year around this time, and discovered that the egg retrieval with Salla happened on February 7th. She wondered if this was a good sign... funny how it will be a year to almost the exact day... I'm glad that my transfer date last year doesn't land on the same date this year... just 'cause...well we know how that played out! I am not one for superstition or levels of luck anymore, I have to throw all of that out the window because luck does not appear to be on my side, and if I rely on it, it will give it more power. But for now I remain hopeful that with my body out of the picture, things will just happen as they should...and we'll finally get our pregnancy.

Don't get your knickers in a twist...

I realize now that the last post was perhaps a touch misleading. It dawned on me when droves of congratulatory emails started flooding in…ok really there was only one, but I should clarify…

No one is pregnant. I repeat. No one is pregnant...yet. I was just having innocent fun with a pregnancy calculator. Since we knew what Nickole’s potential "first day of last period" was (because God willing it might just be) I plugged it in to calculate a potential due date. See? Innocent fun, and kinda dumb. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

This is what being overly eager gets you...a world of confusion.

BUT please stand by because a transfer is looming. We probably won't know if we can pop the champagne (I can do that see - the upside of surrogacy) until a week or so into Feb...so keep your fingers and toes crossed for us please!!

My baby will be born on or around October 25th!

At least that's what the Pregnancy Due Date Calculator is telling me. Nickole is supposed to have a visit with AF today and if she does, then we're having a late October baby...or maybe late September twins?!!

Ps - although I would agree that buying an infant onsie, or an adorable pair of Robeez' to mark this occasion would feel like a complete and utter jinx, the due date calculator seems an innocent enough peek into the future, without getting cocky.

Things are about to get pretty freakin' crazy around here. Only about a week now until Nickole starts her cycle. Does anyone else feel like this limbo period has lasted an ice age?

I think everyone's been a little on edge. The waiting, the anticipation, the potential for over-the-moon elation, and also the potential for total disaster... Because I've always been an open book to anyone who's interested, everyone knows... and because of that, I sometimes feel like I'm in a stadium and all of you are the fans...waiting anxiously for that single moment when we score a goal...but game after game, you leave the stadium disappointed and in a not-so-celebratory mood - which sucks for you and sucks for me. I want, for once, the fans to go NUTS and leave the stadium like we've just won the playoffs.

Wouldn't that be nice? For a change?

And throw in the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Ok that one is even more lofty than my dream... let's leave that one for now.

As I write a baby shower card, "enjoy your LAST Christmas before the chaos!" I wonder to myself, could this be MY last Christmas before the chaos? It's strange at this point to project forward to actually picturing a baby in our lives. Is it still possible? Seems IMpossible. Yet here we go, once again. I've always pictured myself with a baby, hell a family, but the stars never seemed to align and year after year, it was just me and Chris, Chris and me. I wonder why I continue to fight this fight. Is it because I'm competitive by nature? Is it because I won't take no for an answer? Is it because I rightfully WANT a family? Is it because I want to prove the universe wrong? Or do I just want a pipsqueak to call my own? I don't really know the answer anymore...all I know is that I want a freakin' pipsqueak.

Beyond words... and so much so I have exhausted all but one option. And so this is it my friends... the last hurrah, if I may be dramatic.

Does anyone read this blog anymore? Well if you do, please send your thoughts in whatever way you wish, for 2011 to be the year that we have a baby to call our own. Please write to this post... send me a little encouragement...I need it.

Happy Holidays to my wonderful family and all of my supportive friends!

Ok don't judge me - I can't help that I'm a sucker for reality TV. Just the other day I was on the bus and thinking, man, I would really have enjoyed watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians" (I never really knew what channel it was on)...and for a brief moment thought this might be a great Christmas gift idea, if it wasn't the most embarrassing thing to have to ask for.

You all know me - I grew up a tomboy, but I do like all things glammy, even if I can't afford any of it. Being a voyeur to 3 fabulous Armenians with endless access to money, clothes, makeup and accessories, I couldn't help but get a giddy up in my step when they announced there would be a "E Hollywood weekend marathon".

And me, with nothing to do but lie around and eat Doritos.

It's ridiculous dialog - you know, nothing of much consequence, but Bruce Jenner, my new favorite Olympic dad, just spent an episode freaking out about his youngest daughter, who is 12 and wearing enough kohl to embarrass Cleopatra... but he said this and I thought about my own poor dad, who I grew up thinking was the BOMB, only to eventually rebel against his STRICT AND CONTROLLING ways.

I'm not apologizing for my disgusting behavior, simply showing that ALL girls go through this...and that it was nothing personal.

Bruce said,

"I think the toughest thing for any dad is to watch their little girl grow up.. You know, when they start off they just love their dad, they wanna hang with dad, and then all of a sudden the hormones hit, and you become the enemy...and you know, it's tough on a dad."

Pretty much sums it up!

The Mighty Nickole

Well here we go - barring some unforeseen catastrophe, Nickole's our girl! Wish we could just get on with it, but a little thing we call Xmas gets in the way...so it looks like it will be a late January transfer. Seems so far away, but I know it will be here before we know it.

I've met Nickole twice now and I can't tell you how happy I am that things with Amber fell through. It was just so easy and comfortable, right off the bat, and our phone conversations seem endless, like we could talk for hours. She's as cute as a button, all 5'1&3/4", 108 lb's of her...but don't be fooled by her stature, I get the impression she's small but mighty...kindof like me...Mighty Mouse.

Nothing we've thrown at her yet has phased her...and I think her personality is perfect for this monumental a task. She seems impossible to annoy, and gets a kick out of just about everything. Her first visit to the clinic involved endless paperwork and a vaginal ultrasound. I assumed she would just go in herself, assumed she would need or want privacy, but nope...she wanted me in there which was GREAT - I really want to be a part of everything, and she is completely on board with that. The second visit involved a bit more of an invasive exam, which included inserting a catheter up and over her cervix (not the most comfortable thing in the world) into her uterus with a little balloon on the end so they could see on the monitor what her uterus looked like... perfect so far - nothing inhospitable about it. She joked her way through it, and didn't complain once. With her legs spread wide in stirrups, she asked that the doctor warn her before doing anything that might hurt, and said something along the lines of, you'd better, or you might find me sitting in your lap. Just the visual of that was enough to make me laugh out loud. Even the doc, who was very different with me and who often seemed to have little to no patience, was amused by her constant sarcasm and quips. You can't not love this girl - she's unique to say the least....and entertaining.

Chris and I went for our counseling session with the psychologist, and although she was great, I left there feeling very overwhelmed. Until this point, I've been thinking a pregnancy is the end goal...and well right now it is - just to get to that point would be a miracle, but of course the psychologist is there to virtually walk us through the entire process. I hadn't thought about birth plans and midwives...and was completely wrong about thinking I had to "adopt" the baby from Nickole, as she is the birth mother, and legally I thought the birth mother was the official mother until adoption, but that's not the case. We are to get a "Declaration of Parentage" through the courts. Apparently this involves our lawyer going before a judge with DNA from all of us, and paperwork that proves our intention to be the parents, and this is how we are granted rights to the baby. Chris is obviously the genetic father, but I am not genetically connected... but I think this would have to occur even if it was my own genetics...this is just the process. Something I hadn't heard about before, so I was a bit caught off guard. But this will be the way of the next 10 months - I'm sure there's going to be a lot that will catch me off guard having never done this before. I'm going to have to stay calm and roll with it all.

So things are looking really good. The only thing we have to finalize now is the legal agreement, and I have a first draft that Chris and I have to review and send back to the lawyer, which I hope to do this weekend.

Chris and I will meet Nickole and her family on December 12th for a little get together at a childrens indoor playground...that way the kids can run around while we have a good chat. I'm really looking forward to meeting all of them!

A Bad Day, and I'm CRANKY

You'd think with all the psych evaluations Chris and I have had to do and the 5-month long invasive $5,000 adoption home study, complete with police reports, we'd be cleared to adopt little baby aliens should their leaders decide to land themselves on earth. But now with surrogacy, we find ourselves needing to do yet ANOTHER psych evaluation. I am beyond FURIOUS. It's a cash grab at this point, to the tune of 800 dollars! That's for N and for us. Both of us...$400 each. Please.

FU-RI-OUS.

So let me get this straight...in addition to the thousands of dollars we have had to fork over for fertility treatments, to no avail I might add, we now have to prove ONCE GAIN, that we are fit to parent, when teenagers with no income and no sense and no experience can get pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat?? I'm not SAYING that teenagers should have licenses to have babies, I'm simply asking, why do WE have to?? Chris and I are decent human beings, others can attest to this. We have good jobs, live in a nice house fit for a family...Why do we have to be evaluated??! Seriously pisses me off people!

I'm tired.

One door SLAMS, another flings open...

I feel like I'm repeating myself. I'm almost certain I've posted a similar title, but it seems to be the way of my life. Last week I sent Amber a chilly "take care" with nothing to it. I didn't want to email back my disappointment or anger, and give her an easy out, or have her continue the conversation. I think my lack of response was good. I'm sure she could care less anyway, now that she's got something else to move onto.

So I emailed Pagent that we needed to begin another search, and she said she had already been looking "just in case". Maybe she had a sense about Amber that I just couldn't see, but was too professional or polite to mention. I mean what could she say at the time?,"I don't think this is going to work out so I'll keep looking."

I didn't expect things to happen so quickly, but she said in her email back to me that she was interviewing a woman from Mississauga that evening on the phone. She gave me a brief description, and I waited for her follow up. She said that N (should I be using people's names??? I don't know...)was definitely interested and that she would be expecting an email from me. Now not more than a week later, this is fairly wrapped up. I spoke to N yesterday, and had a great chat with her - she's really easy to talk to, funny way about her, nice voice, completely open to talking about anything. She seems the perfect match so far. She has 3 children, and has been married to her husband for 10 years. She turns 31 in a few weeks. Her husband has had a vasectomy, which was music to my ears.

N wants to get moving as quickly as possible, which is a-ok by me. She's returned the intake form to Pagent, who will take it to Dr. A's office for preliminary approval. Then I would imagine she'll have some tests and ultrasounds to ensure she's a good candidate. We've agreed to a flat rate, and of course there are other potential expenses - should she be pregnant with twins, if she needs to stop working as a result of the pregnancy, etc. I'm confident we'll come up with something that feels comfortable for everyone.

I'm cautiously excited... and fairly confident (assuming Dr. A will approve her) that things will at least get to the transfer stage. Both N and I are pushing for a December transfer, but for all I know the timing around this could be impossible. Pagent was thinking January, and this might end up being the case and that's fine too.

Just another little step forward...

Twenty Five Year Olds

I'm sorry to all 25 year olds who think they are emotionally mature, and I'm sure there a few of you who TRULY might just be, but there are always one or two who ruin it for the rest. If you're 25 and reading this post, and have your back up...here are a few words for you. I DON'T CARE.

I tried to give A the benefit of the doubt, although in hind sight, when I spoke to her on the phone, she did not seem to speak like a 25 year old - much older in fact, and it didn't quite ring true. It reminded me of a young person trying to appear like a woman who had her shit together.

Why do I sound so angry at the 25 year olds of the world? Because not only did she shatter my dreams of a surrogacy arrangement going smoothly, but she double-whammied me with a pregnancy announcement. The girl went off the pill FOR ME, and proceeded to have sex without protection, even though I joked (not really) to "wear a condom!" the weekend she was getting together with her boyfriend. Ergo, 25 year olds simply cannot be trusted to take a matter so incredibly important, seriously.

The funny part about the newsy email I received from A, was one line in particular, "Please don't get discouraged by this... maybe this was a way for you to bring up your confidence that this is going to happen for you." Did she really just write that this experience should boost my confidence? lol

So there you have it. Yet another door slammed in my face.

FFS

...stay tuned.

I've Become Lame

Chris just read my post and said "good babe". I said, "I used to be funny." which he...found funny.

I'm trying to bring back the sense of humor to these posts, because it's way more the way I want to write. It's just hard sometimes to find the lighter side of things...especially when the posts are more about logistics. I need to get back into the thick of things. BLOODWENCH...now SHE made for some good material, and...well I can't deny I'm a little excited to get back to the clinic for some good ol' fashioned abuse. Maybe Dr. A will yell at me again!