Transfer Date - February 7, 2011

Day 3 with Nickole went very well. Picked her up at the Spadina subway and we walked to the clinic together... She had the usual blood drawn, and a vaginal ultrasound to see how things are looking, and apparently things are looking good. In the meantime, I had a chat with the doc. He said that a day 3 embryo transfer normally happens on Day 18 of a cycle, but because we are doing a Day 5 blastocyst transfer, it would occur on Day 20 (2 days later). That brings us to February 7th. Nickole did some blog digging to see what I was doing last year around this time, and discovered that the egg retrieval with Salla happened on February 7th. She wondered if this was a good sign... funny how it will be a year to almost the exact day... I'm glad that my transfer date last year doesn't land on the same date this year... just 'cause...well we know how that played out! I am not one for superstition or levels of luck anymore, I have to throw all of that out the window because luck does not appear to be on my side, and if I rely on it, it will give it more power. But for now I remain hopeful that with my body out of the picture, things will just happen as they should...and we'll finally get our pregnancy.

Don't get your knickers in a twist...

I realize now that the last post was perhaps a touch misleading. It dawned on me when droves of congratulatory emails started flooding in…ok really there was only one, but I should clarify…

No one is pregnant. I repeat. No one is pregnant...yet. I was just having innocent fun with a pregnancy calculator. Since we knew what Nickole’s potential "first day of last period" was (because God willing it might just be) I plugged it in to calculate a potential due date. See? Innocent fun, and kinda dumb. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

This is what being overly eager gets you...a world of confusion.

BUT please stand by because a transfer is looming. We probably won't know if we can pop the champagne (I can do that see - the upside of surrogacy) until a week or so into Feb...so keep your fingers and toes crossed for us please!!

My baby will be born on or around October 25th!

At least that's what the Pregnancy Due Date Calculator is telling me. Nickole is supposed to have a visit with AF today and if she does, then we're having a late October baby...or maybe late September twins?!!

Ps - although I would agree that buying an infant onsie, or an adorable pair of Robeez' to mark this occasion would feel like a complete and utter jinx, the due date calculator seems an innocent enough peek into the future, without getting cocky.

Things are about to get pretty freakin' crazy around here. Only about a week now until Nickole starts her cycle. Does anyone else feel like this limbo period has lasted an ice age?

I think everyone's been a little on edge. The waiting, the anticipation, the potential for over-the-moon elation, and also the potential for total disaster... Because I've always been an open book to anyone who's interested, everyone knows... and because of that, I sometimes feel like I'm in a stadium and all of you are the fans...waiting anxiously for that single moment when we score a goal...but game after game, you leave the stadium disappointed and in a not-so-celebratory mood - which sucks for you and sucks for me. I want, for once, the fans to go NUTS and leave the stadium like we've just won the playoffs.

Wouldn't that be nice? For a change?

And throw in the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Ok that one is even more lofty than my dream... let's leave that one for now.

As I write a baby shower card, "enjoy your LAST Christmas before the chaos!" I wonder to myself, could this be MY last Christmas before the chaos? It's strange at this point to project forward to actually picturing a baby in our lives. Is it still possible? Seems IMpossible. Yet here we go, once again. I've always pictured myself with a baby, hell a family, but the stars never seemed to align and year after year, it was just me and Chris, Chris and me. I wonder why I continue to fight this fight. Is it because I'm competitive by nature? Is it because I won't take no for an answer? Is it because I rightfully WANT a family? Is it because I want to prove the universe wrong? Or do I just want a pipsqueak to call my own? I don't really know the answer anymore...all I know is that I want a freakin' pipsqueak.

Beyond words... and so much so I have exhausted all but one option. And so this is it my friends... the last hurrah, if I may be dramatic.

Does anyone read this blog anymore? Well if you do, please send your thoughts in whatever way you wish, for 2011 to be the year that we have a baby to call our own. Please write to this post... send me a little encouragement...I need it.

Happy Holidays to my wonderful family and all of my supportive friends!

Ok don't judge me - I can't help that I'm a sucker for reality TV. Just the other day I was on the bus and thinking, man, I would really have enjoyed watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians" (I never really knew what channel it was on)...and for a brief moment thought this might be a great Christmas gift idea, if it wasn't the most embarrassing thing to have to ask for.

You all know me - I grew up a tomboy, but I do like all things glammy, even if I can't afford any of it. Being a voyeur to 3 fabulous Armenians with endless access to money, clothes, makeup and accessories, I couldn't help but get a giddy up in my step when they announced there would be a "E Hollywood weekend marathon".

And me, with nothing to do but lie around and eat Doritos.

It's ridiculous dialog - you know, nothing of much consequence, but Bruce Jenner, my new favorite Olympic dad, just spent an episode freaking out about his youngest daughter, who is 12 and wearing enough kohl to embarrass Cleopatra... but he said this and I thought about my own poor dad, who I grew up thinking was the BOMB, only to eventually rebel against his STRICT AND CONTROLLING ways.

I'm not apologizing for my disgusting behavior, simply showing that ALL girls go through this...and that it was nothing personal.

Bruce said,

"I think the toughest thing for any dad is to watch their little girl grow up.. You know, when they start off they just love their dad, they wanna hang with dad, and then all of a sudden the hormones hit, and you become the enemy...and you know, it's tough on a dad."

Pretty much sums it up!

The Mighty Nickole

Well here we go - barring some unforeseen catastrophe, Nickole's our girl! Wish we could just get on with it, but a little thing we call Xmas gets in the way...so it looks like it will be a late January transfer. Seems so far away, but I know it will be here before we know it.

I've met Nickole twice now and I can't tell you how happy I am that things with Amber fell through. It was just so easy and comfortable, right off the bat, and our phone conversations seem endless, like we could talk for hours. She's as cute as a button, all 5'1&3/4", 108 lb's of her...but don't be fooled by her stature, I get the impression she's small but mighty...kindof like me...Mighty Mouse.

Nothing we've thrown at her yet has phased her...and I think her personality is perfect for this monumental a task. She seems impossible to annoy, and gets a kick out of just about everything. Her first visit to the clinic involved endless paperwork and a vaginal ultrasound. I assumed she would just go in herself, assumed she would need or want privacy, but nope...she wanted me in there which was GREAT - I really want to be a part of everything, and she is completely on board with that. The second visit involved a bit more of an invasive exam, which included inserting a catheter up and over her cervix (not the most comfortable thing in the world) into her uterus with a little balloon on the end so they could see on the monitor what her uterus looked like... perfect so far - nothing inhospitable about it. She joked her way through it, and didn't complain once. With her legs spread wide in stirrups, she asked that the doctor warn her before doing anything that might hurt, and said something along the lines of, you'd better, or you might find me sitting in your lap. Just the visual of that was enough to make me laugh out loud. Even the doc, who was very different with me and who often seemed to have little to no patience, was amused by her constant sarcasm and quips. You can't not love this girl - she's unique to say the least....and entertaining.

Chris and I went for our counseling session with the psychologist, and although she was great, I left there feeling very overwhelmed. Until this point, I've been thinking a pregnancy is the end goal...and well right now it is - just to get to that point would be a miracle, but of course the psychologist is there to virtually walk us through the entire process. I hadn't thought about birth plans and midwives...and was completely wrong about thinking I had to "adopt" the baby from Nickole, as she is the birth mother, and legally I thought the birth mother was the official mother until adoption, but that's not the case. We are to get a "Declaration of Parentage" through the courts. Apparently this involves our lawyer going before a judge with DNA from all of us, and paperwork that proves our intention to be the parents, and this is how we are granted rights to the baby. Chris is obviously the genetic father, but I am not genetically connected... but I think this would have to occur even if it was my own genetics...this is just the process. Something I hadn't heard about before, so I was a bit caught off guard. But this will be the way of the next 10 months - I'm sure there's going to be a lot that will catch me off guard having never done this before. I'm going to have to stay calm and roll with it all.

So things are looking really good. The only thing we have to finalize now is the legal agreement, and I have a first draft that Chris and I have to review and send back to the lawyer, which I hope to do this weekend.

Chris and I will meet Nickole and her family on December 12th for a little get together at a childrens indoor playground...that way the kids can run around while we have a good chat. I'm really looking forward to meeting all of them!

A Bad Day, and I'm CRANKY

You'd think with all the psych evaluations Chris and I have had to do and the 5-month long invasive $5,000 adoption home study, complete with police reports, we'd be cleared to adopt little baby aliens should their leaders decide to land themselves on earth. But now with surrogacy, we find ourselves needing to do yet ANOTHER psych evaluation. I am beyond FURIOUS. It's a cash grab at this point, to the tune of 800 dollars! That's for N and for us. Both of us...$400 each. Please.

FU-RI-OUS.

So let me get this straight...in addition to the thousands of dollars we have had to fork over for fertility treatments, to no avail I might add, we now have to prove ONCE GAIN, that we are fit to parent, when teenagers with no income and no sense and no experience can get pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat?? I'm not SAYING that teenagers should have licenses to have babies, I'm simply asking, why do WE have to?? Chris and I are decent human beings, others can attest to this. We have good jobs, live in a nice house fit for a family...Why do we have to be evaluated??! Seriously pisses me off people!

I'm tired.

One door SLAMS, another flings open...

I feel like I'm repeating myself. I'm almost certain I've posted a similar title, but it seems to be the way of my life. Last week I sent Amber a chilly "take care" with nothing to it. I didn't want to email back my disappointment or anger, and give her an easy out, or have her continue the conversation. I think my lack of response was good. I'm sure she could care less anyway, now that she's got something else to move onto.

So I emailed Pagent that we needed to begin another search, and she said she had already been looking "just in case". Maybe she had a sense about Amber that I just couldn't see, but was too professional or polite to mention. I mean what could she say at the time?,"I don't think this is going to work out so I'll keep looking."

I didn't expect things to happen so quickly, but she said in her email back to me that she was interviewing a woman from Mississauga that evening on the phone. She gave me a brief description, and I waited for her follow up. She said that N (should I be using people's names??? I don't know...)was definitely interested and that she would be expecting an email from me. Now not more than a week later, this is fairly wrapped up. I spoke to N yesterday, and had a great chat with her - she's really easy to talk to, funny way about her, nice voice, completely open to talking about anything. She seems the perfect match so far. She has 3 children, and has been married to her husband for 10 years. She turns 31 in a few weeks. Her husband has had a vasectomy, which was music to my ears.

N wants to get moving as quickly as possible, which is a-ok by me. She's returned the intake form to Pagent, who will take it to Dr. A's office for preliminary approval. Then I would imagine she'll have some tests and ultrasounds to ensure she's a good candidate. We've agreed to a flat rate, and of course there are other potential expenses - should she be pregnant with twins, if she needs to stop working as a result of the pregnancy, etc. I'm confident we'll come up with something that feels comfortable for everyone.

I'm cautiously excited... and fairly confident (assuming Dr. A will approve her) that things will at least get to the transfer stage. Both N and I are pushing for a December transfer, but for all I know the timing around this could be impossible. Pagent was thinking January, and this might end up being the case and that's fine too.

Just another little step forward...

Twenty Five Year Olds

I'm sorry to all 25 year olds who think they are emotionally mature, and I'm sure there a few of you who TRULY might just be, but there are always one or two who ruin it for the rest. If you're 25 and reading this post, and have your back up...here are a few words for you. I DON'T CARE.

I tried to give A the benefit of the doubt, although in hind sight, when I spoke to her on the phone, she did not seem to speak like a 25 year old - much older in fact, and it didn't quite ring true. It reminded me of a young person trying to appear like a woman who had her shit together.

Why do I sound so angry at the 25 year olds of the world? Because not only did she shatter my dreams of a surrogacy arrangement going smoothly, but she double-whammied me with a pregnancy announcement. The girl went off the pill FOR ME, and proceeded to have sex without protection, even though I joked (not really) to "wear a condom!" the weekend she was getting together with her boyfriend. Ergo, 25 year olds simply cannot be trusted to take a matter so incredibly important, seriously.

The funny part about the newsy email I received from A, was one line in particular, "Please don't get discouraged by this... maybe this was a way for you to bring up your confidence that this is going to happen for you." Did she really just write that this experience should boost my confidence? lol

So there you have it. Yet another door slammed in my face.

FFS

...stay tuned.

I've Become Lame

Chris just read my post and said "good babe". I said, "I used to be funny." which he...found funny.

I'm trying to bring back the sense of humor to these posts, because it's way more the way I want to write. It's just hard sometimes to find the lighter side of things...especially when the posts are more about logistics. I need to get back into the thick of things. BLOODWENCH...now SHE made for some good material, and...well I can't deny I'm a little excited to get back to the clinic for some good ol' fashioned abuse. Maybe Dr. A will yell at me again!

Introducing the Project Team...The "Group of Seven"

For most people, having a baby takes two. In our case, it takes seven. Chris and I are the obvious first - the Project Managers of this team. The Coordinator, Pat, will help pull all the pieces of the together within the allotted time frame. Dr. Auyeung, the Engineer, will use a technique known as IVF to help us achieve our goal of success. S & A have been critical Team Players, dedicating their time and effort to the project with unquestioned determination. We also have Sponsors, who have been instrumental in allowing us to continue to achieve our goals and stay within budget.

This is how it feels right now. Like a project we are far from completing.

BUT, this is is how we continue to scramble our way out of what feels like a sinking ship. For me right now, this is a job - ensuring all the pieces of the puzzle are in place and that everyone is ready to get down to work.

.......................................................

Thanksgiving Monday

In just a few hours I'll be speaking with A. It will be our first phone chat and I hope that it goes smoothly. She has committed 100% to us, and has had her phone consult with Pat, the Agent. Pat relayed that she agrees - she is the ideal person to be a surrogate. A's never done this before, but she doesn't seem to have any fear or anxiety or anything about it at all...she just seems excited and wants to get on with it. When I (sheepishly) told her about progesterone suppositories, hoping I wasn't going to scare her off, she replied, "Lisa, nothing is going to scare me away." She is determined it would seem and again, I just can't believe my luck in finding good people. At least that's something!

Maybe I should become an agent. Who better to represent a company than someone who has gone what I've gone through? But let's not get ahead of ourselves, there are no guarantees here...just a little more hope.

What is it about Gospel Music?

Years ago, my roommate Brian and I visited Janice in San Francisco...she had moved there a couple of years earlier and had invited us down for a week to see the sights. On Sunday morning she said she had a surprise for us. She dragged us out of bed, across the city and to this unassuming building in the middle of downtown where with great satisfaction she announced, "we're going to CHURCH!" - the Glide Memorial Church, actually. None of us being particularly religious, I wondered what on earth she was up to...but then the choir sang, and IT WAS INCREDIBLE. I can't remember if I bawled on the outside, but I remember being completely choked up on the inside and truth be told, a little embarrassed by my reaction. After all, everyone else was clapping and swinging and singing and there I was a bubbling mass of emotion. There was just something about the collective energy, the amazing voices, the acoustics. I was so moved by it all... She knew I would be.

To this day, I can't listen to gospel without getting choked up... I love the stuff and I'm proud to admit it.

(And YES, I just watched Glee...and that's what reminded me of that story. So what.)

Close your Eyes and Jump

So as you know, I contacted an agent to help me search for a surrogate - that was about a month ago. She had some vacation planned, and we had some vacation planned...so she would touch base with us when she returned from her trip. She contacted me to tell me she had a potential surrogate, but that this surrogate couldn't start until next June. As you can imagine, this wasn't really what I wanted to hear. I asked her to continue her search, and I haven't heard anything since.

Before I contacted the agent, I joined a "surrogate mom's" online forum, mostly to see what the deal was...what people were talking about, what was out there in the way of surrogates, and information about compensation, if any. I immediately received a PM from a woman who lived in NS, but our criteria didn't align. She wished me well, and vice versa, and for a month I didn't hear a thing. With the agent actively searching on our behalf, I put my faith in her and didn't go back to the surrogates online forum.

Mere minutes after receiving the email from my agent about the woman who couldn't start in June, and feeling really quite discouraged about it all, I received an email from a woman on the online forum. She asked me if I was still interested in GS, and if so to read her information page. At first glance she seemed perfect, other than the fact that she didn't live in Toronto...BUT she isn't far either. Keep in mind this forum, and most of them, are across Canada and the US, and in some cases overseas...so to find someone who is just a short plane ride away, and within our province, is pretty good in the grand scheme of things. I contacted her right away and told her we were still looking, and she said to send her an email with our "story". Ugh...lol... I said in the email I would give her the "Coles Notes" version, but of course I am long winded and rambly, so it ended up a novel. It was worth it because it was cathartic, and anyway, I wanted her to know our story from the beginning. Actually considering all we've been through, it was fairly brief - even if it was a novel!

Within a day she emailed me back - and just like S, I got instantly excited that I may have found the right person. Her email was warm, empathetic, fun, energetic, excited, full of passion to want to do this for a couple who can't. I couldn't believe how much she was like me in her writing style, completely open, LONG AND RAMBLY, and putting it all out there. Since that first interaction, we have emailed back and forth enough for a small book, and I can't believe my luck in finding good people! Wish that luck would extend to other parts of my life, but we'll start with this.

She lives in Thunder Bay, Ontario, which is a small town on the north end of Lake Superior. A long drive north (about 17 hours), but a fairly quick and reasonable flight (about $300). She got pregnant with her first child at the age of 19, and shortly thereafter got married. During her marriage, she had a 2nd child, and has since been divorced. She and her ex have a good relationship and raise the kids together. She wants to be a nurse and is attending Lakehead University. She's 25. She loved being pregnant, and has always wanted to be a gestational surrogate for a couple like us...or a gay couple or a single woman...she was open to all arrangements, but needed it to "feel right". I think we feel AMAZING so far, about our connection and what we're about to do. She's excited, I'm excited (and a tad scared to death)... Chris...well he deals with things differently than I do, and certainly isn't against it, but he just needs a bit more time to get his head around it all. I'm the organizer, in constant search, and so fully immersed in it all... so to him it may feel quick, and I understand that. On the other hand, if we're doing this, we need to move quickly to secure our arrangement. Keep in mind that A is the PERFECT surrogate at glance, and that there are likely other couples vying for her...in fact I know this by looking on the site - there is a lot of interest.

There are still many things to discuss, some which may be deal-breakers, but it seems to be falling into place. It does have a ring of "too good to be true" about it, but I'm going to stay positive and hope everything will align.

Her one concrete stipulation is that both (or one) of us lives in Thunder Bay for the final month of the pregnancy. Actually, she wants "final trimester, or at least 6-8 weeks", but I hope we can agree to a month. I doubt both of us will be able to go, but I see Chris flying in the last week or so, to ensure he's there for the delivery. These things are non-negotiable, so if we want to go in this direction, we have to make this work.

It's not going to be easy, but I think it's going to be amazing.

Fingers crossed.

WTH you sick bastard?!

When this “meeting reminder” popped up on my screen, I think I was in shock for a second or two...staring, frozen, trying to make SENSE of it all? Who would do this kind of thing? How could someone be so cruel? But I soon realized that only a dummy like me could have done something so complete stupid and ...“optimistic”. As you’ve probably realized by now, I thought it would be “neat-o” to do a meeting notice for 10 years from that date, to see where we all stood, and how many kids we all had.

Another brilliant idea.

I’m actually laughing about it now. A few years ago this type of thing might have sent me to the bathroom to collect myself, but now I just think its freakin’ hilarious – I mean, this type of thing couldn’t happen to anyone but me!

So hat’s off to you sick karmic joker – you got me good!

When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens

It's been a long time my friends.

My apologies for not keeping up with the blog, but it IS a fertility related blog, and until now there has been little to report. As you all know, our last donor egg transfer didn't work...a complete and utter blow for both of us. Four perfectly good embryos from a 26 year old body, and not a glimmer of life. Since then I've been wondering WHAT IS THE POINT in continuing to transfer these quality embryos to me, if my body is just not up to the task? There IS no point...and my biggest fear was that I would potentially squander away the life of these 15 remaining embryos - my frozen little bubbies - on my busted up and pissed-off-at-the-world uterus. No. I won't do it.

My fears were only confirmed when we visited the doctor for our FU followup (for those who aren't familiar with the verbiage, yes, FU means what you think it does). He told us that my uterus was just not responding...that regardless of the textbook levels of estrogen in my body, my uterus wasn't budging...it wasn't thickening...and that there's really nothing to do at this point. Part of me was upset, of course, but a bigger part of me was relieved. I didn't really WANT the doctor to say, "let's throw another shrimp on the barbie!" And I really thought he would due to the fact that we have all of these embryos, but I would have needed him to CONVINCE me that there was something else to try...some other wonder-drug, or something drastic and hopeful. I didn't want to go through the motions, once again, only to be disappointed, ONCE AGAIN.

To be honest, I'm a little relieved for the closure. I knew it wasn't happening with my body...its fairly obvious at this point, and after 6 years of disappointment, 9 IVF's, 2 of which were donor egg and 4 surgeries later, I'm ready for the next option: Surrogacy.

GOD, can you believe me? I mean, what is wrong with me that I can't stop this merry-go-round, except it's not merry at all, it's shitty...I'm on a shitty-go-round. But I'm so determined and I can't quit now. How can I quit after 6 years of making this my ultimate goal? To everyone else it comes so easy, sure, but for me it has been a constant and unrelenting battle, and to give up now? I just can't do it people - it would be a waste of 6 years... I need to continue this path until I have absolutely ZERO options left.

But right now we have 15 frozen embryos, and would you believe there are women out there (with fluffy n' pink uterus's) who desire to carry a baby for people like us? Sounds like a solution to me.

So please cheer us on and give us your full support as we begin the journey towards surrogacy.

Week in Review

Well as you know I started a “diet plan” – well I guess you could call it that, although it doesn’t much feel like a diet - probably because I haven’t starved in any way shape or form, and I’ve enjoyed all of my meals. I can’t say that Chris’s dinner of Sour Cream and Onion chips and Coffee Crisp Mini’s didn’t chant my name (overpowering the tv), but I managed to pull through with a couple of bites of his dessert...Nibs.

The day goes sort of like this... I start with a bowl of oatmeal – just the quickies you buy in the packets, you know, the reduced fat ones. The maple and brown sugar one is delicious and often people come around and ask if I’m baking a cake...it smells that good. I throw banana slices which at first I thought would be disgusting, but it was delicious. For a snack I have some almonds and some cherries, or a 70cal Special K bar – also delicious – the Almond and Peanuts is my favourite, but they also have Chocolate Crunch which I save for a chocolate craving. At 11:30 or so I have a fruit salad from downstairs. Then around 12:30 when I start to get really hungry, I have a couple of eggs, or some chicken cooked the night before, some salad...whatever kind... Another snack of whatever – fruit, almonds, maybe a yogurt... and then to the gym. For dinner I have either some brown rice pasta with a tomato sauce, or a piece of protein, (i.e. steak, chicken, pork, fish) and baked tomatoes with cheese, or asparagus on the BB, or butternut squash with a touch of honey. Dessert often is no-fat plain yogurt (and I add in a swirl of honey) over some pinapple/cherries/strawberries/blueberries – whatever you can throw in a small dish. Seems to satisfy the sweet craving I get after dinner.

Et voila – quite good – lots of choices – eating well, eating WHOLE foods, basically – little to no sauces, nothing processed, stay away from the bad carbs.

Monday, June 14. 127lb.

(holy sh*t!)

Wee House

I don't care if my house is teeny weeny, or not sophisticated, or "shabby chic", we both love it, and so do our guests. We're very proud of this little dwelling and have worked hard to make it feel nice, despite it's age.

Problem is we'll eventually grow out of it.

See "George" was a laborer, an immigrant from Scotland, and he worked at Casa Loma. George had 2 pairs of work pants, 2 sets of longjohns, 2 shirts, 1 jacket and 1 ever-so-beaten pair of work boots. Hence the closets in bedrooms, which are suitable for a dude like George. Afterall, why on earth would George need a walk in? (God rest his soul.)

Our bedroom closet, clearly a design flaw, has not allowed for my (I-won't-go-into-how-much-there-really-is) wardrobe.

But oh, I do love it.

If Chris was a Woman, he'd be 500 pounds...

Stepped on the scale this morning, and was left agasp.

I haven’t been exercising, actually I went to buy new running shoes about a month ago because my Achilles was really a mess and figured it was because my running shoes were 2.5 years old!!! You think??? But I haven’t been out since. Some of you know I slipped in an embryo transfer. It didn’t work – I don’t want to talk about it - let’s move on. Clearly, un-blogging about it didn’t have any kind of karmic twist or impact, so I’ll write about the next one…for those of you who love to read about train wrecks.

I have been eating whatever…especially this last weekend because when I asked Chris what he wanted to do for his birthday, he simply said,“I want cake, and I want to eat like a king." (Henry VIII that is) So from Friday night until Saturday night, I spent most of the time cooking horribly delicious things in the kitchen. I said to Chris, “the icing is good, but I feel like I’m biting into chocolate flavoured butter.” His response was, “and the problem with that would be…???”

It’s no wonder the scale read 135 this morning. I did the early morning quick rub of the eyes for clarity… still 135. This can’t be. Repeat steps, reset scale, step back on…136 – GAAAH! In under 20 seconds I gained another lb? This is an outrage!

It does appear hopeless, but fear not, on the subway this morning the hunger to lose weight began to build, which is all it takes for me to get serious. Time to get moving again.

By the time I stepped off the subway platform (and I’m sure I felt the subway rear back to its level position) I knew I needed to lose 10 lb’s. Damn…where is that Steven King gypsy to make me thinner ? Maybe instead of caressing my face and saying “thinner” and ultimately causing my demise, he could rub my face and say “slightly thinner, in the manner of 10-15 lb’s.”

Today’s menu has so far consisted of black decaf (I know…), a huge bowl of delicious fruit from Onorios which I swear is the best deal in town. The fruit is always ripe and perfect, no hard bits or too much rind of anything. Everything is so fresh and juicy – and there’s a HUGE amount of it…for $4.00. Best deal ever. For lunch I had spinach salad more or less dry save the one tablespoon of dressing, sunflower seeds, and 2 hard boiled eggs.

Off to a good start.

I called the dumb gym downstairs to re-activate my account. It’s dumb because its small and has next to nothing in it. But see, I have a hard time going home and going back out. For a while there I would force myself to go directly upstairs and put on my gear. I had to stay very focussed - just eyes forward so as to not distract myself with Miss Vicky’s chips left out on the counter, or the mail that has to be brought in, or the flowers that need to be watered, or sparkly pretty things… but it wasn’t easy and often by the time I reached the top step I was out of breath and talking myself out of it.

Let me tell you that 3 weeks of that attitude and we’ve got ourselves a situation…and not the Jersey Shore kind. I’ll never be skinny and I don’t want to be, but I want to appear as firm as possible. The fat rarely budges these days, but the muscle underneath can be toned… not to mention the health aspect of eating clean and forcing your heart to pump.

Monday, June 7. 135lb.

Lilac

I can't deny my passion for all things floral - especially when they are lavender color and easy on the eyes as well as the senses. These stolen gems have filled our house with the aroma of spring and a sense of calm...

(No I am not the thief, that would be my neighbor who came over last night with a smile and a suspicious handful of lilac. Who am I to judge? Love thy neighbor and all that...)