I Kinda Like Shoes

I bought these today in the event that I might,some day, be invited to something fabulous...like a wedding. I can't really wear them for downtown summer dinners, because Toronto streets are ankle breakers at the best of times, nevermind 5" heels, and I can't wear them to the elusive Garden Party I've been talking about for 10 years beause I'll sink into the grass and hurt myself, or complain the entire time which would literally be the end of my marriage...and I can't wear them to a friend's house because the girls will laugh at me and call me a midget on stilts...so yep it has to be a wedding. I need one of my friend to get divorced right now and find a new man before platforms become the trend that never quite was.

Whatever it is, make sure you give me enough time to find a dress, because I have got nothing to go with these beauties.


Oh how I love them so.

Conversations in Hell

For anyone who knows me in real life, they would probably admit that I'm a fairly friendly person with an open type personality. I like to chat with people, and I’ve made a lot of friends over the years. This is a good thing, I can’t deny it, but having worked in this building for 10 years, occassionally you bump into someone you haven't seen in a long time, and the awkward conversation begins.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, what have you been up to?”

See…the thing about women with children, or soon-to-be-mothers, is that they can always default to their kids as a topic of conversation. Answers to the above question often go like this…

“Well the kids are getting soooo big now – Joey’s starting pre-school ½ days this year and Sandra has her first tooth!”

Or

“Just waiting to see what this little one’s going to be.” (rubs belly and smiles)

Or

“The kids are both enrolled in hockey, so I’ve become one of those annoying hockey mom’s. Hahahaaa!”

I hear it ALL the time. It’s an easy way out of a conversation when you have nothing of much interest to say about yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do it myself – happily – because that’s life…eventually your world becomes all about the kids and THANK GOD for that because otherwise what the hell would you have to talk about? Admit it – you do it – especially when you’re annoyed that you have to have this conversation in the first place…after all, all you really wanted was to just get yourself a chai latte.

I found myself faced with this conversation the other day, and I might add for flavour, that it was a mere 20 minutes after I’d gotten the dreaded BFN phone call. It was unexpected (as they usually are) and the question was thrown at me like I was center stage with a spot light on me. And nothing…I’ve got nothing. Blanco de Mayo. I suppose my conversations could go like this…”

“Well we’ve just finished a SEVENTH fertility procedure…and I just found out it was negative!”

Or

“Well yesterday…let’s see what did I do yesterday…oh that’s right I spent the day on the couch because everything was clean and there’s no kids to take care of…so…”

Or

“My husband and I are very depressed these days, so we don’t really do much…plus we’re always broke from failed fertility treatments. You?”

Talking about planning a trip to New York or the Caribbean or enrolling in a course in the spring just sounds like you’re trying too hard (and would have been a lie) …so what I actually said was, “Oh, not a whole lot, what about you?” (deflection)

Now being a woman in her late 50’s I expected to hear stories of Florida or the Caribbean, about how they were buying a cottage up north, or something to do with work. Her reply?

“Well!!! I just became a grandmother for the first time!!!”

Urgh. Seriously? WTF Universe?

BFN

I know you are all waiting for a post...so I thought I should put you out of your misery. Yep, its a negative...quite the shock really, considering this is supposed to WORK. But there you have it. Life isn't always a box of chocolates.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support...it is hard to get through this, but so much easier with the amazing support of everyone - my family, my friends and my Peaches.

Love to you all.
xo

Butterflies

I can't handle this feeling in my stomach. It is flipping over and over and over as I watch the clock and realize my entire world could change within a few moments.

My entire torso is locked and heated...my face is flush and my palms sweaty. I think I'm having a heart attack. This is the problem with this type of thing...there is so much build up and so much at stake.

I feel like the world is waiting.

Don't get too excited...ok?

Today I'm a shining example of a woman who is clearly pre-menstrual. I'm feeling fat and bloated, I'm irritated by everyone, I have cramps, my back hurts and I'm burning up...which I *think* means my temperature dropped...that would make sense right? I think I've had this before - really hot, like an overheated feeling right before getting my period. I think I will probably get it tomorrow, if my theory is correct. But then I'm not sure about that because when you have a fever, you get the chills - oh wait, yes, that makes sense...but then sometimes mom will say, "you're burning up." So what the hell? Someone answer my damn question!! Why am I literally roasting when its -5 outside?

I really miss Cleo. Normal routine things that she was a part of are what's upsetting me the most. Like when I'd shower in the morning she'd always be in the bathroom with me. It was our washing up time...I would use a sponge and she would use her tongue. If she missed the window of opportunity to get inside before I shut the door, she would wait outside and then give me a really irritated meow. I'd just shrug...gotta show up on time - no time for tardy kittens.

She loved the heat in there...and would plant herself in front of the vent. And when I blowdried my hair, she'd get a 5 second blast all over her body. That was her fave. I miss routine stuff like that...now I'm all alone (YES, Chris lives here, but this is my alone time...which was always spent with her). I hate that I just came home to an empty house...she would always greet me in the kitchen. I'm realizing today just how much I talked to her, like she was a person.

Sigh. I don't think I'm pregnant so I'm warning you all now. I'm not trying to be Neggy Nelly, I'm just being realistic. And I don't want anyone getting too upset (me included). I don't like to dwell on awlful things, I like to move on...so move on with me - quickly.

An Egg Donation Child

I stumbled upon this video and just had to post it. I think this girl has an amazing attitude and I love how she feels unique. I'm glad I found this today...and I hope it's a sign.

My Cleo

Today I had to say goodbye and it was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. You were my baby from the minute I got you from the cat rescue. I was promised to another kitten, but she was not well...so they changed last minute to you. I remember being so upset at the time, because until that moment, my heart belonged to the other cat, but you took to me instantly, and I fell in love.

The only time you got mad at me, was when I stopped massaging you...you hated it when I stopped (understandable). I'm happy that we spent a lot of our time watching TV together, you in my lap.

I'm sorry that the day you fell off the roof on Merton Avenue, I couldn't find you. I looked and looked for days, and posted signs...but nothing. On the day I was giving up all hope, I walked around the building one last time. I remember it was so hot - one of those scorching Toronto summer days, and the wind was so strong and hot that it felt like a hairdryer. I called out for you but I couldn't hear anything but the sound of the wind and the trees clashing together. For one tiny second, it all calmed and I heard your tiny meow calling out to me. I carried you home and I remember such a sense of relief. You purred as soon as you were inside and safe.

I'm sorry that for 10 months I had a boyfriend who pressured me to keep you off the bed, and I'm sorry that was a struggle between us. It was a loft with no doors, and your instict was to sleep with me. I'm sorry I shut you out to accommodate him...and I'm sorry his demands caused me to be frustrated with you. I wish I could turn back time and ask him to leave.

But we had a very happy life together you and me. You followed me around like a dog and were always available for a cuddle. You loved me and I loved you so much in return.

I hope you are in kitten heaven now, with a young body, a bowl of cream and some fresh catnip.

I love you Bubby.

EPS or just Progesterone?

Well its Monday…4 more sleeps until we find out if my potential little people seeds (hereinafter referred to as “PLPS”) burrowed in for the night + 270 give or take a day or two.

This 2WW doesn’t feel any different than any other 2WW – whether it was TTC naturally, or with an IVF. Pretty much the same symptoms, which can be attributed to, no doubt, the trickiest of all hormones…PROGESTERONE. When a woman becomes pregnant naturally, she produces more progesterone – it is the lifeline for an embryo…without it an embryo can’t thrive… During the IVF process, all systems are shut down…so once the transfer happens, progesterone has to be pumped in manually to keep those little PLPS kickin’. Aaaand of course the progesterone related symptoms are the ones that make you feel pregnant…like sore boobs, crampy feelings, dizziness, etc.

So really, when you do IVF you can’t know AT ALL (other than intuition) if you are pregnant or not. Oh, and trust me I don’t have the intuition gene because I have convinced myself “this could be it!” far too many a time to count. Clearly I have no idea.

So we wait…

Goodbye S

Salla's part of this journey has come to an end.

Part of me feels a bit of loss...because she's been such an incredible part of my life for the past few months. But this was the nature of our arrangement...that it would only be for a brief moment in time. It's just not in my nature to stop being friends with people I care about...and that's exactly what this feels like.

I didn't realize it would be so hard.

I miss her. But I know she needs to get on with her life, as do I. I want her to know that even though a distance will grow between us, she will always be my friend.

Transfer

It was a bit of a reality check. My lining is nosogood. The doctor suspected it would NOT have increased from last week and he was mostly right. However, there were some measurements on the monitor (Chris was watching like a hawk) that indicated a lining of 9 something - but the initial count was 6.5. I think its different depending on where you are in the uterus - some parts will be more plush and some thinner.

The discussion was about whether or not to optimize our chances by putting in 3 great embryos, or to try 2, see what happens, and know that there are AT LEAST 6 MORE TRANSFERS!!

The procedure he wants to do (if this fails) he says he has very good luck with. Basically he D&C's the lining, and inserts a high quality inverted triangle shaped balloon that keeps the edges of the uterus from caving in as it heals. (Yes, I had one from the hospital but it was round and he says hospitals use the cheapest things they can get...so his version would work a lot better.) So transfer 3 and optimize our chances?? BUT then potentially lose 3 great 8-cell Grade 1 embryos...or transfer 2, see what happens, and then we have the other 5 that are being frozen today, in addition to the 16 we have frozen from Day 1. All of the embryos seem to be very good.

So...we decided to transfer 2 of the very best 8-cell Grade 1 embryos. They were surprised the uterus was as open as it was - it looked more round today than the narrow shape it has been before - so he was pleasantly surprised by that. Chances are ok...great embryos, but my lining unfortunately, decreases my chances.

So that's the latest! I have to go in on Friday so they can check all of my levels. Embryo(s) should be implanting about Friday so they want to make sure I have a good balance of estrogen/progesterone.

I'm going to laze around today but I'm not going to be overly cautious. I was really relaxed in the transfer room, and I just want to feel that way about everything...and I want to get up and make a cup of tea if I want... So I'm going to just take it easy and then tomorrow back to normal!

"All 7 are dividing nicely and are of good quality."

What more can you say about that? Things are really looking good!

Transfer is tomorrow at 9:30. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 10 days!! Omg the suspense!

Fertilization Report

I am so scared to write anything positive for fear I might jinx the entire thing, but I can't deny that things have taken a turn for the better. I find myself asking "Is my luck finally turning around?" but then I quickly shake the thought out of my head for fear it will come back to haunt me. This is how 4 years of infertility affects the psyche. 4 years of awful and invasive treatment. 4 years of watching everyone I know announce their pregnancies with such excitement. 4 years of being left out. 4 years of cold hearted nurses who couldn't care less. 4 years of disappointment. 4 years of putting every ounce of energy I have towards this cause. For this reason it's hard for me to get excited. Chris said to me the other day, "37 honey - why don't you seem very excited about this?" I felt bad because although I was very pleased, I probably wasn't celebrating that small victory like I should have been, but there's so many hurdles to get through in this process...this is just the beginning.

I'm happy to report, however, that of the 37 follicles retrieved from S on Sunday, 28 of them were mature!!! Of those 28 mature eggs, 23 fertilized normally. Of those 23 that fertilized normally, 16 were automatically frozen, for possible future use...which leaves us with 7 little fighters in the here and now.

We'll know more today about the quality of our 7 little embies and when the transfer will be...so stay tuned!

I feel like the collective hope of my friends and family, the prayers, the Novenas, the lighting of the candles...it's all helping to move things along...from one step to the next. I can't express to you how much you've all helped me through. I can't imagine going through this alone. I think about women 40 years ago who had no options and had to fight infertility in silence. And of course it was "her" fault... These thoughts break my heart because I've been so lucky to have had such amazing support.

Thank you.

My Donor had her Egg Retrieval Today - and she was Amazing

(yes I changed the title...the more I looked at it the more I felt it was not me...even though it was a complete joke...and I thought it felt a bit jinx-y, so I changed it...because now is not the time to get cocky.

My kickass donor had her ER today and produced an applause-worthy 37 follicles!! She did say from the beginning that she wanted her eggs to be the best! Well I think she might have just won the Gold Medal in the 2010 Donor Olympics.

We want to send S all the love in the world...so please tell her how wonderful she is, and let's hope she gets better very soon. I know she will have to be careful over the next week and I plan to watch her like a hawk. I don't want her getting sick or ending up in the hospital...so speedy recovery wishes welcome!

Tomorrow we'll see how many eggs were in those follicles, and how many fertilized. The staff at the clinic are talking to me in "batches". "The first batch will be frozen tomorrow, and the 2nd batch will be frozen on Day 3, and the 3rd batch will be frozen on Day 5..."

I feel like I've won the lottery, and if I never get pregnant, I will remember this as a triumphant day.

Retrieval Day!

Omigosh I can't believe this day is finally here. Chris is on his way down to the clinic to make his deposit, and S should be having her procedure as I type this. I can only hope that they have given her enough drugs to make the whole thing bearable...after all, the clinics here insist on having you awake for the procedure...I dunno, beats me.

To be honest with you, today will be a surprise, not only for you, but for me. I have NOT A CLUE on the number of follicles that they are hoping to retrieve. Not a clue. It could be 2 (unlikely) it could be 5 - 8 - 10??? I honestly have no idea whatsoever. I've decided to take a practical approach and get double digits out of my head and hope for greater than 5. Two nice embies and a couple to freeze would be all a girl could hope for.. Of course I want more...but we all know my past...so let's just stay cautious.

Wish us luck!!!

Allergic Reaction...Must Be The Meds

As you all know I'm gearing up for a donor embryo transfer...so I've been taking a double dose of Estrace because my lining really needs the boost. The doctor told me it might make me sick, because its more than the norm. I have felt mild dizziness but that's about it - and I have managed to continue on doing what I do.

Yesterday Nicole and I went to the gym to do a bit of a workout since we haven't been doing much lately. We normally run outside, but she's 7 months pregnant and needs to dial it back a bit. So we hit the treadmill and were power walking uphill. I noticed my hands started to get really itchy, but figured it was from swinging them while walking - too much blood to that area, but whatever... continued on, and then we decided we would do some weights, lunges, etc., nothing too strenuous. Well I eventually had to stop because my hands were really red and they were starting to swell. By the time I got home my hands were like balloons but I kept an eye on them and they eventually calmed down.

So today I have a massage booked to try to calm me down because the nurse at the clinic makes my blood boil every time I speak to her, and I need to be relaxed (come to think of it, I should send her the bill). Anyway, I'm lying on the massage table with my face in that little donut thing getting my back massaged. I noticed some tingling in my lips and figured it was just blood rushing to my face having it stuffed through this little hole. She eventually flips me over and I feel swollen, but I can't see myself...and I say "I must be retaining water or something from the drugs I'm on." She finishes up the massage and leaves the room. I'm getting dressed but something's wrong...so I head to the tiny mirror they have beside the door and flip on the light. To my horror, I am looking at someone unrecognizable. My face has completely swollen up - my eyes are two little peas and my eyelids are buried. The corners of the inside of my eyes where my tear ducts are can't be seen, and are flush with my nose...my lips are huge. I wonder how on earth I'm going to get out of here without someone I work with seeing me in the lobby (yes I realize I'm more concerned with my looks than anaphylactic shock.)

I call Chris from the little room (we work in the same building) and tell him he has to help me...and to bring icepacks. He comes in and says "you're having an allergic reaction." On our way home, I said to Chris, "you know, I have just waiting for this day to come because my mother started to have reactions when she was about this age. She had a severe reaction when she went to a salon and used..." and as the words were coming out of my mouth, the blood drained from my face...OMG MY MOTHER HAD A REACTION TO WHEAT GERM SHAMPOO!!! I have been taking 2 huge liquid gels of wheat germ oil for 2 weeks now because it is known to increase the thickness of your lining. Ok now picture Chris's face as it changed from the look of concern to OMG you are so dumb.

It all makes sense now doesn't it? I'm having a reaction to the very thing my mother did. It's weird that I didn't make that connection, but that is most definitely the reason for this reaction, and it's just been slowly building up in my system.

DOH!!!

Donor Egg IVF Treatment Package

Thank you for your interest in the Donor Egg IVF Treatment Package. This package has been specially designed for those women who find themselves unable to conceive their own biological children. We realize that some of our patients may have endured years of pain and failed IVF attempts, and we want to ensure you are given a final kick, while you’re down. Our treatment includes some of the most negative attitudes and moods you will experience during your cycle. We will ensure you feel like you are the most unimportant person at the clinic…after all the needs of our patients come last.

Although our staff will have nothing to do with any of the logistics with respect to finding a donor and completing the psych counselling and legal paperwork, we will act as if we have done all the work for you, and will act annoyed when you ask any questions with respect to how things are progressing. We will turn a blind eye to the amount of commitment, both financially and emotionally you have invested into this one attempt, and will ensure you are kept in the dark.

With fresh feelings of grief and loss, you can rest assured our staff will make you feel like you don’t exist and that this treatment is a burden for all of us. We know you will be delighted with this Package that the staff here at the clinic have designed especially for you. We are here for you…and you can count on us.

Disclaimer: this by no stretch of the imagination includes my doctor who I think is the bomb…it is a select few at the clinic and the rest are lovely.

This is all about me...so why do I feel so left out?

Something is going on here...but I'm not sure what it is. I love my clinic, I really do, but getting information is like pulling teeth. I'm paying a kabillion dollars for this cycle, you'd think I'd be in on the details, but I feel like they are acting like telling me information is something they shouldn't be doing, or that its confidential to S?? Maybe??? But do they realize that I am paying the bill here? Do they realize that S and I have emailed almost every day since I met her back in November?? Do they not realize that we tell each other everything? HELLO!! I AM THE AGENT. I placed the ad, I interviewed the girls, I organized the physical and bloodwork, I contracted my lawyer and the lawyer for S, I scheduled her psych eval...I should know EVERYTHING. AND I'm also the person paying for this entire party AND if this was my own cycle, I would know everything....so as the agent AND the recipient, don't I have the right to know? I feel like they are acting like my donor IVF is causing them to be too busy to be catering to my every whim. But but but...I did all the work (shrug).

I feel so left out.

S went to the clinic on Friday for bloodwork & ultrasound, you know, the ushe. In the past when I have gone to the clinic, they have called me about 1:00 to give me the results, i.e., "your ovaries suck, you have 1, 11mm follicle on the right, and 1, 18mm follicle on the left, which spells C.A.N.C.E.L." But now that S is going into the clinic, I don't get an update? She is me. I am her. She is my stand in...she is my stunt double. I'm not even sure they are telling her anything other than "you're doing well."

They had NO intention of calling me on Friday, they only called because they couldn't get in touch with S - and this was at 4:00pm. She said "I'm really sorry to bother you hon, but we've been trying to get in touch with S all afternoon." (turns out there was something wrong with S's phone but she was waiting for the call). But its clear they wouldn't have called me. Before she hung up, I said "um, A? Can I ask how things went with S today? like can you tell me anything about follicles??" She said hesitantly, "ummm, sure honey...uh well we can't tell you about follicles because we don't measure them until they reach 10mm, but her estrogen level rose nicely."

S goes into the clinic today - we'll see if I get a call, and if I don't, I'm going to talk to the doctor about updates. As far as I'm concerned there only needs to be one phone call - and that's to me unless S needs to change her meds...and then in that case 2 phone calls need to be made.

Am I crazy? Can those of you who have done donor eggs tell me if they updated you while your donor was stimulating? Am I being unreasonable?

DAY, er. TWO!!!

Yesterday was to be a big “post” day – it was Day 1, and I was to write a big fun something-or-other to mark the beginning of an exciting chapter. But it was also the first day to purge myself of anything that might adversely affect my treatment…and by 3:00pm I had to lie down my head was pounding so hard. I wondered what on earth could have given me this kind of evil headache…and then I remembered…lack of caffeine.

I have ONE cup of Tetley tea a day. ONE cup…so I find it odd that my body would have pins and needle pains, soreness and headache just because I decided to have a decaf instead. Yet, it’s the only thing I can peg it to.

Anyway, Day 2! Here we are!

Tomorrow both S and I will go to the clinic for blood work and ultrasounds. She’ll leave with stimulation drugs and I will leave with Estrace to build my lining up for the transfer. Other than the stress involved with this cycle, the financial strain and the lack of control, it will be a fairly easy cycle for me. I basically ride it out until the transfer…which is a snap. It’s the upside of having an egg donor I suppose…well there are several actually… but there should be, because to get here, you have to have dealt with a lot of crap.

Analogy of an Egg Donation: Cake

As you can imagine, my mind is spinning out of control these days. I think about a baby, I think about twins. I think about happy baby showers where I get to be the guest of honor. I think about pregnancy tests and getting fat and maternity clothes and butterfly mobiles. I think about Chris and what a great dad he’ll be. I think about lawyers and stimulation drugs and when I will get my damn period. My head is constantly swirling with thoughts, about how this baby will turn out, and if it will be at all like me.

Then I started to think about cake…

A cook book will have a recipe for Cake. It will list, with specific measurement, the ingredients to be used, and give clear instructions on how to prepare it. The pan will be greased, the oven will be set, the ingredients mixed…but will the cake turn out the same every single time? If 50 women from around the world all baked this cake, would it taste the same?

Of course it wouldn’t…

An extra pinch of salt, the varying degrees of each oven…eggs produced by chickens who feed from different grain… Yes, the ingredients are all the same. There is flour, and milk and eggs and all the things necessary to make the batter rise, but there’s something about each individual cake that set’s it apart from the rest, and it boils down to one simple difference. The baker.

While we take this short break...

Let's talk SLAP CHOP!


My brother got me this for Xmas. I could not have been happier - I think I squealed like a little girl - my reaction may have even been a little embarrassing, but I could not contain my excitement. I mean have you SEEN Vince in action? He makes it look so easy. I often find myself in the "As Seen on TV" shop in the mall, mesmerized by this product. "Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini!"

Let's see if this mother works...

I started with onion - you know "the skin comes right off!" I needed to put this to the test. Yes, it does separate from the onion, but not as easily as it does in the infomercial, some half-cut onion comes with it...


























Its ok - I gave it another couple of slaps, and things worked out nicely.

Onto halved tomatos, seeds removed. It doesn't work. It won't cut it at all - like trying to cut leather. But if you cut it down a little into chunks it dices up quite easily...just one more little step there...















































Can it do Cilantro? Yes it can!
























Et voila! The final product...perfect fresh Salsa!

Now, is it all it's cracked up to be? Hmmmm...perhaps not. When I watch Vince do it, things slice apart a little too easily - like his own personal Slap Chop has diamond blades or something. But it's a fun product and the salsa turned out great!