Allergic Reaction...Must Be The Meds

As you all know I'm gearing up for a donor embryo transfer...so I've been taking a double dose of Estrace because my lining really needs the boost. The doctor told me it might make me sick, because its more than the norm. I have felt mild dizziness but that's about it - and I have managed to continue on doing what I do.

Yesterday Nicole and I went to the gym to do a bit of a workout since we haven't been doing much lately. We normally run outside, but she's 7 months pregnant and needs to dial it back a bit. So we hit the treadmill and were power walking uphill. I noticed my hands started to get really itchy, but figured it was from swinging them while walking - too much blood to that area, but whatever... continued on, and then we decided we would do some weights, lunges, etc., nothing too strenuous. Well I eventually had to stop because my hands were really red and they were starting to swell. By the time I got home my hands were like balloons but I kept an eye on them and they eventually calmed down.

So today I have a massage booked to try to calm me down because the nurse at the clinic makes my blood boil every time I speak to her, and I need to be relaxed (come to think of it, I should send her the bill). Anyway, I'm lying on the massage table with my face in that little donut thing getting my back massaged. I noticed some tingling in my lips and figured it was just blood rushing to my face having it stuffed through this little hole. She eventually flips me over and I feel swollen, but I can't see myself...and I say "I must be retaining water or something from the drugs I'm on." She finishes up the massage and leaves the room. I'm getting dressed but something's wrong...so I head to the tiny mirror they have beside the door and flip on the light. To my horror, I am looking at someone unrecognizable. My face has completely swollen up - my eyes are two little peas and my eyelids are buried. The corners of the inside of my eyes where my tear ducts are can't be seen, and are flush with my nose...my lips are huge. I wonder how on earth I'm going to get out of here without someone I work with seeing me in the lobby (yes I realize I'm more concerned with my looks than anaphylactic shock.)

I call Chris from the little room (we work in the same building) and tell him he has to help me...and to bring icepacks. He comes in and says "you're having an allergic reaction." On our way home, I said to Chris, "you know, I have just waiting for this day to come because my mother started to have reactions when she was about this age. She had a severe reaction when she went to a salon and used..." and as the words were coming out of my mouth, the blood drained from my face...OMG MY MOTHER HAD A REACTION TO WHEAT GERM SHAMPOO!!! I have been taking 2 huge liquid gels of wheat germ oil for 2 weeks now because it is known to increase the thickness of your lining. Ok now picture Chris's face as it changed from the look of concern to OMG you are so dumb.

It all makes sense now doesn't it? I'm having a reaction to the very thing my mother did. It's weird that I didn't make that connection, but that is most definitely the reason for this reaction, and it's just been slowly building up in my system.

DOH!!!

Donor Egg IVF Treatment Package

Thank you for your interest in the Donor Egg IVF Treatment Package. This package has been specially designed for those women who find themselves unable to conceive their own biological children. We realize that some of our patients may have endured years of pain and failed IVF attempts, and we want to ensure you are given a final kick, while you’re down. Our treatment includes some of the most negative attitudes and moods you will experience during your cycle. We will ensure you feel like you are the most unimportant person at the clinic…after all the needs of our patients come last.

Although our staff will have nothing to do with any of the logistics with respect to finding a donor and completing the psych counselling and legal paperwork, we will act as if we have done all the work for you, and will act annoyed when you ask any questions with respect to how things are progressing. We will turn a blind eye to the amount of commitment, both financially and emotionally you have invested into this one attempt, and will ensure you are kept in the dark.

With fresh feelings of grief and loss, you can rest assured our staff will make you feel like you don’t exist and that this treatment is a burden for all of us. We know you will be delighted with this Package that the staff here at the clinic have designed especially for you. We are here for you…and you can count on us.

Disclaimer: this by no stretch of the imagination includes my doctor who I think is the bomb…it is a select few at the clinic and the rest are lovely.

This is all about me...so why do I feel so left out?

Something is going on here...but I'm not sure what it is. I love my clinic, I really do, but getting information is like pulling teeth. I'm paying a kabillion dollars for this cycle, you'd think I'd be in on the details, but I feel like they are acting like telling me information is something they shouldn't be doing, or that its confidential to S?? Maybe??? But do they realize that I am paying the bill here? Do they realize that S and I have emailed almost every day since I met her back in November?? Do they not realize that we tell each other everything? HELLO!! I AM THE AGENT. I placed the ad, I interviewed the girls, I organized the physical and bloodwork, I contracted my lawyer and the lawyer for S, I scheduled her psych eval...I should know EVERYTHING. AND I'm also the person paying for this entire party AND if this was my own cycle, I would know everything....so as the agent AND the recipient, don't I have the right to know? I feel like they are acting like my donor IVF is causing them to be too busy to be catering to my every whim. But but but...I did all the work (shrug).

I feel so left out.

S went to the clinic on Friday for bloodwork & ultrasound, you know, the ushe. In the past when I have gone to the clinic, they have called me about 1:00 to give me the results, i.e., "your ovaries suck, you have 1, 11mm follicle on the right, and 1, 18mm follicle on the left, which spells C.A.N.C.E.L." But now that S is going into the clinic, I don't get an update? She is me. I am her. She is my stand in...she is my stunt double. I'm not even sure they are telling her anything other than "you're doing well."

They had NO intention of calling me on Friday, they only called because they couldn't get in touch with S - and this was at 4:00pm. She said "I'm really sorry to bother you hon, but we've been trying to get in touch with S all afternoon." (turns out there was something wrong with S's phone but she was waiting for the call). But its clear they wouldn't have called me. Before she hung up, I said "um, A? Can I ask how things went with S today? like can you tell me anything about follicles??" She said hesitantly, "ummm, sure honey...uh well we can't tell you about follicles because we don't measure them until they reach 10mm, but her estrogen level rose nicely."

S goes into the clinic today - we'll see if I get a call, and if I don't, I'm going to talk to the doctor about updates. As far as I'm concerned there only needs to be one phone call - and that's to me unless S needs to change her meds...and then in that case 2 phone calls need to be made.

Am I crazy? Can those of you who have done donor eggs tell me if they updated you while your donor was stimulating? Am I being unreasonable?

DAY, er. TWO!!!

Yesterday was to be a big “post” day – it was Day 1, and I was to write a big fun something-or-other to mark the beginning of an exciting chapter. But it was also the first day to purge myself of anything that might adversely affect my treatment…and by 3:00pm I had to lie down my head was pounding so hard. I wondered what on earth could have given me this kind of evil headache…and then I remembered…lack of caffeine.

I have ONE cup of Tetley tea a day. ONE cup…so I find it odd that my body would have pins and needle pains, soreness and headache just because I decided to have a decaf instead. Yet, it’s the only thing I can peg it to.

Anyway, Day 2! Here we are!

Tomorrow both S and I will go to the clinic for blood work and ultrasounds. She’ll leave with stimulation drugs and I will leave with Estrace to build my lining up for the transfer. Other than the stress involved with this cycle, the financial strain and the lack of control, it will be a fairly easy cycle for me. I basically ride it out until the transfer…which is a snap. It’s the upside of having an egg donor I suppose…well there are several actually… but there should be, because to get here, you have to have dealt with a lot of crap.

Analogy of an Egg Donation: Cake

As you can imagine, my mind is spinning out of control these days. I think about a baby, I think about twins. I think about happy baby showers where I get to be the guest of honor. I think about pregnancy tests and getting fat and maternity clothes and butterfly mobiles. I think about Chris and what a great dad he’ll be. I think about lawyers and stimulation drugs and when I will get my damn period. My head is constantly swirling with thoughts, about how this baby will turn out, and if it will be at all like me.

Then I started to think about cake…

A cook book will have a recipe for Cake. It will list, with specific measurement, the ingredients to be used, and give clear instructions on how to prepare it. The pan will be greased, the oven will be set, the ingredients mixed…but will the cake turn out the same every single time? If 50 women from around the world all baked this cake, would it taste the same?

Of course it wouldn’t…

An extra pinch of salt, the varying degrees of each oven…eggs produced by chickens who feed from different grain… Yes, the ingredients are all the same. There is flour, and milk and eggs and all the things necessary to make the batter rise, but there’s something about each individual cake that set’s it apart from the rest, and it boils down to one simple difference. The baker.

While we take this short break...

Let's talk SLAP CHOP!


My brother got me this for Xmas. I could not have been happier - I think I squealed like a little girl - my reaction may have even been a little embarrassing, but I could not contain my excitement. I mean have you SEEN Vince in action? He makes it look so easy. I often find myself in the "As Seen on TV" shop in the mall, mesmerized by this product. "Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini!"

Let's see if this mother works...

I started with onion - you know "the skin comes right off!" I needed to put this to the test. Yes, it does separate from the onion, but not as easily as it does in the infomercial, some half-cut onion comes with it...


























Its ok - I gave it another couple of slaps, and things worked out nicely.

Onto halved tomatos, seeds removed. It doesn't work. It won't cut it at all - like trying to cut leather. But if you cut it down a little into chunks it dices up quite easily...just one more little step there...















































Can it do Cilantro? Yes it can!
























Et voila! The final product...perfect fresh Salsa!

Now, is it all it's cracked up to be? Hmmmm...perhaps not. When I watch Vince do it, things slice apart a little too easily - like his own personal Slap Chop has diamond blades or something. But it's a fun product and the salsa turned out great!

If you've just logged on and you're reading this post, at this moment, perched atop the edge of your seat, biting your nails with anticipation, waiting for those fateful words we all want to hear…you might as well get up and go make a cup of tea or something, because apparently I’m not even close. My instructions are to “come back in a week”. Talk about deflating. I even have a terrible headache and cramps which USUALLY MEANS AF is near, but apparently the universe is not finished kicking my ass just yet…

Fine – bring it. Like I give a rat's ass at this point.

So off you all go – go and enjoy your fertile and happy lives, but report back here in one week…and don’t be late.

ps I realize my post is curt…but I am full of bile today. It can’t be helped.

pps WAIT – it’s possible I might write another post in the interim…so make sure to check in…then come back in a week too.

ppps I would REALLY like more comments on my blog…every other blog I go to has “13 responses!” Just sayin’.

Rant over.

Time goes by...so slowly. Time goes by...so slowly.

So...no period in sight. They told me that once I stopped taking the Superfact, I would get a period "within 3-5 days". Well today is Day 5 and there's no sign in sight...but I KNEW this...I somehow knew this wouldn't bring on a period. It's only been a couple of weeks since my last one. My body is, if nothing else, reliable...and for the past 28 years I've had a period every 28/29 days...not 17...not 22. I know drugs do miraculous things...but this time I just have a feeling.

This isn't happening.

Then there's S. How do we know she isn't half way through a cycle by now? It's been a few weeks since she's been monitored. And as far as I know she won't even be monitored on Tuesday when she goes in for her injection class. What if things have kicked in for her and we've missed the mark?

I'll call the clinic tomorrow from work and tell them it's Day 6 and still no period as promised. I just don't feel comfortable calling the clinic these days. I feel like they see me as this total pain in the ass control freak, which I know is a stretch but I'm a paranoid type person and there's nothing worse to me than having to depend on someone else for information. It doesn't seem to matter how relaxed and "ha-ha-ha I'm so chilled out - see?" I am when I call, I always get a sense that they are annoyed to be hearing from me at all...that ONCE AGAIN I am calling them before I need to be.

Can you blame a girl for being anxious? I just don't see how the timing works out... I've asked so many times, but yet I don't seem to get an answer that satisfies my worry. I can't keep asking the same questions...I feel like they are rolling their eyes behind my back.

I have to ask myself though, is it similar to those people who call me up asking about their pay? They sound so flustered and confused, yet to me it is simple. I often I feel like saying (although I never would), "Are YOU trained in human resources and payroll? No you aren't - so just let me do my job."

Is this what the clinic is doing to me? Have I become an unbearable member of the team? Surely there are women (picture CEO's VP's, etc.) who demand control and bark orders at the staff... Surely I'm not the most annoying infert to ever cross their path.

Why do I even care? CLEARLY I have way too much limbo time...

Doubt has this way...

So the process is in motion, the psych complete and the legal paperwork well underway. Things are definitely in motion and by Tuesday we will have crossed our t's and dotted our i's. So why do I feel, once again, so completely hopeless? Is it only natural? After 5 years of struggling with fertility treatments, disappointment, negative pregnancy tests, and canceled IVF's, can this really be the answer? I'm sure I am a perfect candidate for a psychologist..."of course you feel this way - you've been programmed to expect negatives."

Everyone is so optimistic, the doctors, our support system...even the stats are optimistic...so why can't I feel that way? I do and I don't. Part of me wants to be excited - to expect that this SHOULD work, because it has been the answer for so many women who have lived a similar fate. But the other side of me feels that if this fails, then there is no hope. If I can't host a perfectly good embryo, then there's no more point in trying. We jumped to this point, some may feel, prematurely because of all we have suffered...but what if even this won't work?

Where will this leave us? I don't know the answer to this question, and it scares me to no end...but all I can do is keep on believing.

Keep on breathing. Keep on trying.

Raise your hand if you think your head might explode

How can I buckle down and work when I have so much swimming around in my head? Appointments and lawyers and psych evals and documents to sign and contracts and payments and ultrasounds and OMG my head is literally going to explode.

So as I mentioned, I wanted to discuss with S first about the new plan. It’s not much different than the old plan, other than the timing of things. I thought we would have to wait for S to have yet another cycle and I was concerned about timing. But after a long discussion with the doc, he's told me that he knows everything he needs to about S at this point, and we can get right on it. So we hope to have legal and psych ready within a week or so because S will start her injections within about 2 weeks!! Then she has 16 days of stims to her egg retrieval, and then her work is done. Thank you S. And from that point it's up to Chris’s little swimmers to make the magic happen.

A Revised Plan of Action

Well! Wasn't today's meeting with Dr. Auyeung a great one! We have a new plan, one I think S will be really happy with and one that I am really excited about...if all goes according to plan. I can't tell you what it is yet, because I want to discuss it with S first, but she has been so sick, I want to give the poor girl a few days to get better.

I'm so happy to have met this doctor, he's so flexible and willing to work with all the pieces of the puzzle. Definitely feeling more optimistic today!

Today I'm feeling so down. The process I'm going through is so stressful and hard...because it's not just about me, it's dependent on so many other things. But I have to carry on...I have to keep the faith and hope that this will all work out. It has always been just Chris and me, fighting this battle, but needing outside help has been a whole new lesson in patience - one I thought I had already had to learn the hard way... but apparently 5 years of infertility wasn't quite enough. I have to ask myself... why am I doing this? Are we trying to put a square peg into a round hole?

My dad said everything always works itself out...he's absolutely right - and I know this...but its hard to see it when you are smack dab in the middle of it all.

Please keep us in your thoughts, as we get through the next few months. I am trying so hard to make the right decisions, having no experience in any of this.

I never thought this would be so hard.

Yesterday I lost it. I officially lost it.

It started out innocently enough. But I was stressed. I was stressed about a lot of things, but mostly about S, and the news that she will have to return to Finland. Of course, having coped with IF for the past 5 years, my mind instantly went into "worst-case-scenario" mode...that way anything other than plain ol' screwed is gravy, right? Suddenly I felt doomed, like all of this effort, regardless of the fact that it was 100% genuine and enjoyable on my part, was all for nothing. The beginning of the end. I found myself having conversations in my head to the tune of "it was too good to be true...dammit Lisa, I TOLD YOU!"

So I started writing an email... And I couldn't spit out the words in the way that I wanted to, and I didn't want to sound mean, because we all know that's not me, and I didn't want to sound desperate, and I didn't want to sound harsh, but I needed to be firm... I also didn't want anything to be misinterpreted... So I wrote a rough draft, and then tweaked it so that it was a little less ... raw. A little more refined. Insert a couple of happy faces - et voila!

And then what did I do next?

Somehow I manage to send BOTH emails at the exact same time - the original one being all long and choppy and random thoughts and cut and paste and god knows what...and the nicey nicey version. If Chris had let me get to a toilet, I would have put my head it in and flushed.

Say it with me..."What an IDIOT!" (laughtrack)

We're hoping S has a great sense of humor because, when these things happen, they are devastating uh-huh, but afterwards they're quite hilarious. Its hilarious right?

More Donor IVF Ramblings...

So its January 2, and I cannot quite contain my excitement for the upcoming months. Yesterday I answered some questions the lawyer needed in order to draft the contract, and today I firmed up an appointment for S to see the psychologist. I should have these 2 things completed within a couple of weeks. Then we have everything in place to go forward with the procedure.

S is to go to the clinic again on Tuesday. Turns out she didn't really have her "true" period - it was a fake one brought on by the drugs the doc gave her to induce a period. Kindof defeats the purpose if you ask me, but what do I know? Sort of a wasted appointment for her, and an extra expense for us, but I guess you gotta roll with the punches.

S will also have her psych eval on Thursday. Do you remember the movie "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle?" It was a suspense-thriller in the early 90's when that was all you got...all these movies with real people, living normal lives...until that one fateful day when things started to unravel... I think those movies are 100% responsible for our over-the-top paranoia... I don't know about you but "Fatal Attraction" taught me you NEVER EVER have an affair. Not if you don't want bunny stew for supper. I guess it's better to be safe than sorry, but I'm certain the doctor will size S up in about one minute and see that she is nothing more than plain old sugar n' spice.

Happy sigh....could 5 years of struggling to have a family finally happen for us this year? It's mind boggling, exciting and utterly terrifying all at the same time. I can't deny that I will still be in complete and utter shock if it works, despite the high statistics for donor egg IVF's. Do you know what it might feel like to struggle to get pregnant for 5 years, only to finally see that positive test?

I think it will be - hands down - the most exciting moment of my life.

Hold on S...just Hold on...

Poor S. What a crummy couple of week's she's had. I won't go into details because it's her life, but suffice it to say that she's had her fair share of kick-you-in-the-gut type moments. Being the choked up ball of empathy, in combination with my McGiver-like tendencies, I can't help but want to fix it all for her...but this is out of my control. Nor has she asked for a single bit of help and quite rightfully she could...as we are bound and contracted to each other...but she continues to surprise me with her total fucking awesome-ness.

And she's 25 years old people...it's inspiring.

But I remember being 25 and how unsettled my life was. I was dating men I didn't really want to be dating, doing a job I couldn't stand, ignoring bills and ruining my credit ... Most importantly, I didn't treat my friends the way I would treat them now...I wish that had been different... I was a different person then, one I can't say I was too proud of.

But S is different. We were both expected at the clinic today, and she told me she was going to go early. I was aiming to go early as well, but I could not get a grip this morning and ended up being quite late. As I walked into the clinic, my heart sank a little...as from a distance I could see that the sign-in sheet had only 3 names on it. I froze for a second, and said to myself...oh please let S's name be there.

It was...it was there.

She's my little life saver right now. Even if this doesn't work...I will always remember her as the girl who came into my life when I needed someone the most.

My 2010 New Year’s Resolution is...

To stop being UN-pregnant.

I totally think I can pull it off don’t you? I have always had “the will”, but this year…this magical 2010 year, I have “the way”. It comes in the form of a beautiful 25 year old Fin with an abundance of what I’m missing. Fertility.

Here’s where the shivers run down the spine. For whatever strange reason, I missed a period...for like the very first time in my long and successful career in menstruating. This happened about the time I met “S”. Now SHE had just moved here from Finland, and hadn’t had a period in weeks! During her physical we discovered that her body was in shut down mode – that it was confused by the environmental change, and needed to be kick started…so we gave her a medication to induce a period. Would you believe that the very day her period started, mine started as well? I mean is that a sign or what??? I really don’t know if it holds much significance in the grand scheme of things, but given my dismal set of circumstances over the past 5 years, this just seemed like an “Aha!” moment, you know? I mean, honestly, what are the chances??

So this month, the month of January, the clinic will monitor S to see what her body produces naturally. Then next month, if all goes well, we go for it!

So ok, this is very very exciting, yes. I agree there is no “logical” reason to be pessimistic…other than the fact that I am such an underachiever in this department. I can’t help but wonder if I will screw this up too. I mean, my god, it’s not for lack of trying. But is it like watching a gymnast miss the vault and injure herself every--single--time? Eventually you have to look away, because you KNOW she’s just not cut out for it. I wonder if that’s what’s at work here… I don’t like to think that way, because other people make it happen all the time… but it's hard not to.

Just tell me my 6mm uterus will accept this embryo. Please, just tell me this is going to work.

I'm sorry! I really am!

Its been a busy busy time...and every day I think good god, I need to write something down for my peeps. Tomorrow...I promise tomorrow I will buckle down...

Unless I get really busy at work and then throw that out the window.

The Donor World is a Lonely Place

So...I know its been a while, but I guess I've been a little stuck at the keyboard. The writer's block happened as a result of fear - How much can I say, how much should I say? It's not that I'm too proud or that it's "too weird" to talk openly about our need for an egg donor - no, that part I am 100% ok with and actually I'm thankful that this is an option available to me, because let's face it I need the help! It's all the messed up legalities that seem to linger behind it all, and the fact that this is fairly uncharted territory for women like me...who are doing this all on their own with no agency guidance or government backing - just me treading water on my own.

I do have some help. I, of course, have a wonderful husband, and parents who absolutely support this move, and a great couple of friends who have practially fought the fight with me...along my side every step of the way. Then there is another friend who did donor eggs through an agency, and her experience and advice has been invaluable. So although it is me alone, I have some great life support.

As you know we found a great donor. We'll call her "S". It's almost crazy that we lucked into such a willing donor right off the bat. I keep waiting for the ball to drop because it was too easy, and she is too lovely. All I can do is hope that the "powers that be" have been holding their breath waiting for me to make this decision, and once I did they let out a big sigh of relief, high-five'd each other, said "finally!!" and handed me S. That is how I'm processing this - that all this pain and suffering - all of this fight for us to have a family, needed to come down to this final decision, and that they were all just waiting for me to realize it.

Currently she (and in this case "we") are waiting for her period so we can begin the testing required to ensure she is a suitable candidate. She will have blood work drawn to test for all STD's, among other things, a full physical workup, and an ultra sound to ensure that she is producing enough follicles for me. Then we hope that the doctor will give us the green light and then we wait again, for her next period. At that point it would be just like I was doing an IVF, except that she will be doing the egg production part of it. They will "sync" us up so that our bodies are in tune, and she will do the stimulation drugs (injections) to produce as many good follicles as she can. She will have the egg retrieval (bless her heart) and then her part of the puzzle is done. They will then take her healthy 25 year old eggs and fertilize them with Chris's sperm...3-5 days later, they put them back in me and then we begin the dreaded 2WW (two week wait).

BUT one step at a time...for now we wait - we wait for S's period.

You're probably asking yourself, when will all of this happen? Well, if S completes her testing in December, then the IVF can begin in January. I know, it is crazy fast! I can't begin to explain to you how exciting this is for me. This might just work! I really might just work!!

The Search for "The One"

It has been a very busy week indeed and with the help of a few friends I’ve learned an incredible amount about the process of finding a suitable egg donor. You may or may not be aware that egg donation within Canada is perfectly legal. I was surprised by this too, but it’s not the obtaining of the eggs that is illegal, it is the purchasing of the eggs that is illegal. One can, however, pay for the expenses incurred by an egg donor, because while they are doing this altruistically, they still need to be compensated for their incidentals…

At least that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

It’s somewhat understandable in a sense, as under law eggs are considered “body parts” and we can’t start trading body parts for money. Imagine, “Perfectly good ticker goes to the highest bidder!” It makes sense…but then what is sperm considered??…because it’s perfectly legal to buy sperm. What is the difference? Where’s the equality?

Why do the powers that be in this country always manage to screw everything up?

Now as a result, we Canadian women have to skulk around, wheeling and dealing like a couple of two bit criminals, whispering nervously and sliding figures across the table on dinner napkins. I kid you not – have you seen this? http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/pregnancy/article/728915--hatching-babies-our-black-market-in-human-eggs
Front page of the Toronto Star last Saturday, I seriously just about DIED.

How can we not be looking over our shoulders, waiting for the Men in Black to bust in?

But back to the art of finding an egg donor…I was extremely fortunate. I placed an ad and had an overwhelming response – in part, due to the article as it brought a lot of focus to the subject. At least 5 women mentioned it, and all of them understood my plight. There truly are women out there who just want to help a couple like us start a family. I find it incredible.

Most of the women were great, but one of them stood out from the rest…I can’t quite put my finger on what it was that led me to want her and only her…but it was overwhelming. We have since become connected, and probably will be for life. I think a lot of people think a donor should come and go quietly, never to be seen again, but everything I’ve learned, from the mandatory counseling we’ve had to have to the week long adoption training we’ve taken, has prepared me for “openness”. I want my children to know everything, as early as possible…and I want them to be able to explore their options, later in life if they wish to. I think people are so scared that their child will run off with the donor…it is absurd. Think about it. Nothing can replace the mother who nurtured you from birth, tucked you into bed and read you a story every night of your life, wiped your tears when you fell off your bike, made tacos on Friday and held you tight, until your fever broke.

But I can understand the curiosity that goes along with wanting to know why your eyes are a certain color, and why your skin is a certain tone… curiosity is built-in – we can’t deny it. So why would we? Go, explore, discover…and then come home to me.

What Would MacGyver do?

Well, its been an interesting week to say the least. One thing you may not know about me, is that I'm impulsive. I don't sit and contemplate and think of pros and cons and consider all options like most smart people, I jump in with both feet and usually with my eyes closed. I guess I work from the heart.

The thing is, the quicker I jump in, the less overwhelming the task seems. Until I sit down and actually DO it, its a big unknown that eats away at me...a big overwhelming nagging feeling that won't lift until I get started.

I've learned a lot in a week. First of all, I decided to investigate egg donor agencies...just to get the ball rolling. It seemed a less daunting, albeit expensive endeavor, to be able to put the in's and out's of egg donation into the hands of the professionals. The agency would take care of everything, from legal documents right down to flights, hotels and meals. I wouldn't have to manage any of that. Sounded good to me...until I discovered that my doctor's office won't deal with agencies. Great. Another road block. (Is someone maniacally laughing at me right now? Seriously people.) I was quite upset with this newest glitch having gotten used to the idea of an agency donation, and doing some on-line donor shopping. It was so nice to be able to see all of the donors and to be able to narrow it down to someone with Scottish heritage, brown hair and grey/green eyes. There were a handful of donors I would have been entirely happy to choose...but to do this I would need to change doctors...a-gain. Dr. A. simply won't budge on the issue.

After much discussion with my trusted Peaches, and against my initial inclination, I decided to just try to see if I could find an independent donor - someone local. So I posted a couple of ads in local on-line classifieds to see what was out there in the world of private donation. Not really the path I wanted to go down, but this is how it's done here...this is how people find donors. I've had one response so far and I very quickly learned that "measuring up" goes both ways...I have to measure up for her...so we'll see how this plays out.

I find it incredible this road I'm on - this road to finding a baby we can call our own...absolutely incredible. I don't know a single other person in my life (other than the Peaches) who has had to fight the way I've had to. It used to make me crazy, but now I just realize that this is my "big challenge" ...this is my life exam. Will I pass? Well, who knows...but the fact that I've gotten this far and haven't yet thrown in the towel leads me to believe I will. I have a nickname for myself. It's MacGyver. It's MacGyver because I've always been able to come up with a solution.

The MacGyver in me will figure out a way.