CD1 of IVF # 6...

Seriously 6? Soon I'll be in double digits.

Today's the start of the most promising cycle to date...other than San Francisco which I thought would be a sure thing. Maybe just this once things will go smoothly. Maybe I'll have an explosion of follicles - like 12 - that would be an explosion of epic proportions in my world.

Lets face it - numbers is where its at this round. I need LOTS to put back...not just one (which I hate to say is more likely than anything) - but 4 or 5 or 6... So come on ovaries don't fail me this time! MAKE. ME. PROUD.

The "Announcement"

We've all been there. It starts out innocently enough...a nice dinner, a walk in the park, a phone call, only to be blindsided by the news of a pregnancy. As difficult as it is for me to admit, or explain, this is probably the most painful part of the TTC process.

Most women don't have to endure never-ending announcements because they too, eventually become pregnant. Maybe even a SuperFert with a killer competitive streak might have experienced the twinge of jealousy by someone TTCing at the very same time. They won. The beat you to the punch. Ouch right? I figure most women actively TTC will probably feel a pinch of sadness for themselves - even if they know it's just a matter of time.

For people like me, announcements bring all kinds of miserable emotions to the surface. Its such a hard place to be because I don't want the person to think I'm not happy for them. OF COURSE I'M HAPPY FOR THEM. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. Four years ago I would plaster on the happiest face I could muster and pray I wasn't being transparent. Then I got really good at it - and really good at PREDICTING it. I basically assumed everyone was pregnant and everyone would announce. That way I wouldn't be blindsided - it was absolute self-preservation. I even would tell someone "I bet ____ is pregnant." so I could later hear, "you called it!" Somehow this lessened the blow...

I've played the game for years now, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling my throat close shut and my stomach squeeze tight while I slap a smile across my face, wishing the ground would swallow me whole. I'm tired of choking back tears and wishing for it all to be over so we can move onto talking about something else. I'm tired of being the only person who can't talk about her pregnancy or brag about her kids. And I'm really tired of putting my friends in a position where they can't really talk freely about their lives, for fear of hurting my feelings. I wouldn't blame them if they secretly all wanted to get together without me...although I know they never would. It must be difficult for them too, wondering how to be around me, praying they don't say something wrong.

I never wanted anyone to walk on eggshells around me - I figured it would be the fastest way to isolate myself and I know I'm right. For the most part I think I've accomplished this by being an open book about infertility and for not taking offense to anything. I try my very best to feel genuine happiness when someone announces their pregnancy, but on the rare PMSy, planets-not-aligned, lack of sleep occasion I just can't do it. I guess this post is to explain that someone like me would never want to appear a spoil sport over someone else's blessing. Don't take it personally, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with someone like me going through something like this. I say this now because I've decided I can't keep pretending I'm OK all the time. Announcements kill me. Sorry - but you have to know and understand this. So if you announce a pregnancy to me, just expect me to be upset, and I'm sorry in advance if I've ruined your happy moment - trust me I never wanted to be in this situation.

Just know that I'm not upset because you're pregnant, I'm upset because I'm not.

Love to all my friends and family,
xo

Drama Queen

I tend to be dramatic - its a good thing. It makes me more interesting. No that's not me in the picture although I wish it were. She has fabulous hair and is probably ripe with fertility.

I think the only person who doesn't appreciate my dramatic flair is Chris (for obvious reasons) ...and maybe my dad...although thankfully the days of storming off in a teenage sized rage and using a foot to slam the bedroom door are long behind me.

I get worked up see...and that's when things get out of hand. I thought that the doctor was pulling a fast one on me...that he might be all talk and no action. The more I thought about it, the more I compared this experience to the one I had at Lifequest. You have to agree that this last IVF attempt was a bit of a shitshow. Nothing worked, I didn't have a good response, I didn't feel like things were any different, and it got canceled. Not a very good first impression after a year of hearing "we can do better."

So we had the meeting with the doc and I was prepared to get to the bottom of this...demand some answers. I started out strong, tough, but I quickly realized I was way out of my league...that I am not a medical genius, rather I am a college educated fashionista who rarely reads the newspaper. I sensed an irritation from the doctor (one thing I am VERY good at is reading people - they don't teach THAT in school) and backed right off. I turned my bulleted list of zingers into concerns which ended up a much more effective approach. Turns out I was really quite off-base about a lot of things and that there is a lot more finesse and consideration. It's the part we don't see... the "how much effort is the doctor putting towards us, and only us?" part. I guess I am a little jaded having just come from the Lifequest Assembly Line.

The bottom line is that I am 40, and the doctor can only do so much with what my body is willing to offer. We're hoping I will "trend" like I did at Lifequest and that this next IVF will be much more fruitful after a priming cycle. Last time I got 13 follicles after a priming cycle...wouldn't that be great?! Go ovaries go!

The Five Stages of Grief

I was pleasantly surprised and just a little embarrassed to discover that people are still checking my site on a regular basis. How do I know this? It’s a fancy little program called Google Analytics. It tells me on any given day just how many people have popped their heads in. You’ll be interested (and perhaps relieved) to know it does not tell me who...all I know is that yesterday 25 people logged on while I stared into space and picked my teeth.

Sssssssorry.

Clearly, I have let my faithful followers down by not giving them an IVF update, or at least something to read when they can’t stand to do another moment of work. It’s just that these downtimes are necessary for me to put closure on the past and to gear-up for the future. Think of it like the 5 stages of grief…

Denial
What do you mean I’m not pregnant? I totally am – I can feel it kicking.

Anger
WTF I’m not pregnant? Chris this is all your fault.

Bargaining
If I was pregnant, I swear I would never EVER raise my voice to it. (pffft…ok.)

Depression
I’m old…I’m barren…God, I REALLY hate my new haircut…blaaa blaaa blaaa

Acceptance
Chris: What’s for dinner?
Lisa: Chardonnay.


Tomorrow we have a “follow up” meeting to review last month’s debacle-turned-IUI/lets call it a “primer” cycle that has me a little twisted in the knickers. I want to know lots of things…but mostly I want to know what was so different about this protocol? There was so much talk about how Lifequest dropped the ball, and so much assurance that "they could do better" ...but when it got right down to it, nothing was very much different at all. And the part that really annoyed me, was that when it came time to talk “uterus lining”, which is of utmost importance to an implanting embryo, it was “too thin”. How the eff did that happen? We get to the very end and then the uterus isn’t ready? No. This is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Tomorrow we’ll be needing some answers, or this will all be called off.

Wish us luck.

Raising Arizona

“Her loins were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.”

Aaah Raising Arizona... A classic comedy about a couple’s unstoppable desire for family, no matter what the stakes. But strangely enough, infertility never crossed my mind..until last night when I watched it again for the first time in 20 years. “Ed”, played brilliantly by Holly Hunter, is deemed “barren” by her doctor and spirales into an abyss of depression. Then there’s the part I remember – they steal one of a set of quintuplets with the notion that they have more baby than they can handle, and surely they wouldn't notice if one went missing (a win-win no?)

I recall watching this movie in Grade 12, and I probably glazed over the word “barren” without giving it a second thought. I’m not even sure I would have known what it meant. It’s amazing how blind we are to things that don’t affect us personally. They cease to exist in our tiny little bubbles - until they do - and then it's like we’re the only person to ever have fallen victim.

But at the stupid (and fertile) age of 17, I thought nothing of it. It didn’t exist in my tiny world of happiness, hormones and boys…and I was too pleased with my own existence to ponder any future possibilities. I’m not even sure I could have felt empathy for someone who may have struggled from it, and felt the loss I currently feel every day. It just wasn’t something I could relate to. Now I watch that movie with a whole new set of eyes wide open… It's an over-exaggerated, campy and hilarious version of what Chris and I are currently going through. Unfortunately for Ed and Hi, their fertility options were slim to none, forcing them to take matters into their own hands. Thank god for 22 years, modern medicine and a decent income…the *legal* options are a lot broader.

Nothing of Consequence

Well….this is awkward. What to say…what…to…say…

I have three weeks before starting up the next IVF, but surely I can come up with some witty and non-follicle related tidbits to tide you over… I have been literally FROZEN at the keyboard, void of thought, void of anything newsy or noteworthy. I thought, well I’ll write about fashion, but what more is there to say about fashion other than apparently pants are out? There’s a whole bottoms-are-not-required movement right now courtesy of La Lohan and other L.A. trashionistas. I like to consider myself atop of the trends, but crotchless ensembles just don’t fly when a) you work in an office and b) you’re 40.

I thought about discussing photography, but meh… I’m uninspired. What about cooking? Well even the dinner party I have grand designs for might be replaced with a quick order from Pizza Hut and a desire to just get shitfaced (oh relax I won’t, although secretly I know the guests wouldn’t mind)… So anyway, the point is that it doesn’t leave much to quip about… I could gossip about the people in my life, but unless I want to stir up a big old bag of mess, and lose my measley, but loyal readership, I’d best not.

I think I need to spare you from my mind running amuck and stick to the subject at hand. So hang in there…just a few more weeks and we’re back in (baby) business!

Plan P.1.c.

Ok...so back to the drawing board. Our next plan of attack is IVF AFTER a priming cycle. That's what we're calling this past month - a primer...and I better be primed and ready like I've never been before, because otherwise I think my head might explode.

Our next cycle will start beginning of November. Our friends P&N invited us to Vegas for her 40th birthday. We were on board - we didn't care about the money because we are in over our heads as it is. We felt like this was a one-shot opportunity to do Vegas, in style, and with friends. Bit of a dream for me (except that I've missed my opportunity to see Celine Dion. Don't judge me.)

Anyway, turns out that I will be on injections and needing to be monitored when we are to be in Vegas and this just doesn't work. Plus I want to be able to have a glass of wine with dinner, or a drink by the pool, or get all exhausted saying up dancing til god knows when, or come home as the sun is rising - you know, Vegas stuff...but it is not to be. We can't even suspend the IVF because we'll lose the effects of the priming cycle. Believe me I've thought through all the options.

So, instead of Vegas we stay home for another round of full-filled injections. I wish IVF were more of a sure thing...like winning money in Vegas.

The Silver Lining

So its only been 24 hours since the news and apparently I am moving on quicker than I thought. I might even have a bit of a kick in my step. I chalk it up to the raging hormonal nightmare one can be near the end of a medicated TWW - inconsolable, unreasonable, intolerable…and although AF is the last thing you want to see, it also brings a certain peace and balance – it snaps you from one personality to another. It’s the silver lining in a not so good turn of events.

I can’t bring myself to be upset. Life’s too short for misery and even if I moped around the office, looking forlorn and defeated, I would find myself cracking up at my own attempt…because it’s just not me. Maybe its because I’ve spent so much time being upset over negatives that I’ve realized its just a big fat waste of time. I hope the people in my life will really hear this and realize that it’s ok for them to be ok too – and to trust I am no where even close to being depressed. Sure, I have my moments, but they are so fleeting and tend to be aligned with the things I can’t control – like hormones. But I don’t want anyone being upset by anything I go through, ALRIGHT? I am one tough cookie and can handle this stuff, don’t think I can’t.

So, don't cry for me Argentina...(you know who you are).

The Fat Lady is Back Stage, Warming Up

I hope she trips on a cord and falls on her face before she makes it to center stage. I’d love that.

Today is 12 dpo and it started – red spotting. Whether its “spotting” or “period” is beyond me. It’s red if that’s any help. I, of course, feel miserably defeated. I was told to call the clinic if I were to “spot” before October 1…so I did. She told me to come on up and get a blood test (2 days early). She said they would be able to tell by today anyway, and that if I were pregnant they could get a jumpstart on fixing the bleeding by adjusting or supplementing my progesterone intake…

So we wait. 2 hours…

I hate this part.

UPDATE:
1 hour has elapsed and with each passing minute AF gets stronger and angrier...super duper.

UPDATE UPDATE:
The fat lady made it to center stage and is belting out her best aria...confirmed by bloodwork. Thank you to everyone who chimed in or just read along - I really appreciate everyone's support. xo

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Ok I GET that everyone is pregnant or off on mat leave…and I GET that I am a popular person around the work place…and I GET that people are genuinely happy for my friends who are (I'll repeat) ALL OFF ON MAT LEAVE , but what I don’t get is that I am constantly being questioned about everyone’s whereabouts. Here is a typical example of a conversation between me and a work acquaintance…

(note this is no one in particular)

Heeeey Lisa, how's it going?
Oh I'm fine, how are...
So, where’s ****?
Oh, she’s off on mat leave.
She is? OMG I didn’t even know she was pregnant! Wow…when did she have her baby?
Um…it was in the summer sometime.
OMG!! Really – that’s terrific! What did she have?
A boy.
A boy!! What a miracle! What did they name him?
Hitler
What a BEE-EAUTIFUL name. Where did they get that from?
(OH I don’t effing know…honestly why would I know this? Make something up…) I think it was her grandfather’s name.
Oooh (sigh) it’s lovely to keep the names in the family don’t you think? What about ***** - where is she these days?
Um, yep she’s off on mat leave.
Oh wonderful! So they can get together and have play dates!
Yyyep.
And what about that other girl in HR…what was her name again? ****? Whatever happened to her?
She’s off on mat leave.
OMG YOU’RE JOKING! Wow – don’t drink the water around here!!! BWAAAHAHAHAHAA!!!
“ha… ha-ha.” (Trust me it doesn’t work)

This goes on for what seems like an eternity. Trust me when I say I am not a poor sport – I think its great that they are all pregnant and off and enjoying their little ones…but does it have to always be me that gets grilled as to the whereabouts of my fertile work friends? Talk about rubbing salt in a wound!

Beta, Baby

I guess I haven’t been clear about when I will be testing so here it is …OCTOBER 1. October 1 is the big fat day…lets hope it’s a big fat something else.

One Week and Counting

Of course all of my Peaches-in-waiting will be secretly wishing I would POAS as they will be tripping over themselves with excitement. I understand it completely, and no one wants this more for me than them, BUT I have decided why bother when I have to be tested at the clinic anyway? There’s no point. Say I tested early, and it’s a negative…I STILL have to go to that insulting blood test knowing full well its only going to confirm what we already know. Its like a double whammy of negatives. Home testing is for ferts, I've determined. For me? Well here's what happens:

Me: Chris...I think we have a shot this month!
Chris: I hope so hon.
Me: Do you think I should test?
Chris: If you want.
Me: Wouldn't it just be freakin' amazing?
Chris: Sure would.
Me: I'm gonna do it - I mean why not? It will put me out of my misery.
Chris: Okay if you think so.

(Tinkle Tinkle...wait...pace...)

Me: M*THER F*CKER!

We’ve learned our lesson…many many times. So, let it be like ripping off a Band-Aid – sharp but quick. No point in pulling up the corners.

The Thing about Blogging…

Is that in order for your readers to keep coming back for more, you have to capture them. You have to make it impossible for them to miss what’s going to happen next. It has to be entertaining, dynamic, funny, different… This blog is absolutely about showing you the lighter side of infertility, if such a thing exists.

So what happens when it’s not so funny? Is it still entertaining? I don’t think so, so I find myself more often than not finding the humour in something, even on a bad day. Well today I can’t find the humour in anything. I went to the clinic. Blood Wench was nice – told me I “looked pretty”. Fine, no blog fodder from her today. The ultrasound was the most depressing part because the tech said, “oooh, lining isn’t good.” I asked what it was and she said that it was 6mm, and it needed to be at least 7mm (I think best case scenario is a thick n’ juicy 10mm). When did I become such an under-achiever? This is just another bloody thing…now if I have any struggling embryos floating around, gasping for life, they don’t stand a chance burrowing into my weak and wilting uterus. It’s like “Tent City” in there. A pathetic and undesirable place to live.

Real funny stuff.

Snap Crackle Pop - OOOOOWE!!

I've always had ovulation cramping - sometimes so intense I can feel it happening. Well its happening right now except I'm ovulating X 5. I have 5-6 follicles that are breaking free...as much as this pleases me, I'm a doubled-over yard sale.

Nurse Bi-Polar was there during the IUI. She was all smiley, nice and concerned. I think I was staring at her funny because she said "are you ok?" I wanted to ask her "What happened? Are you being nice because the doctor is right there? Or is it that you are just not a morning person? Or did you read my blog and have realized you're a freakin' yo-yo?" But what came out was "cramps."

The procedure was a snap other than the searing pain down below from the cramping. It took no more than a couple of minutes. The doctor said "nice cervix!" and I was like "oh stop you! You're making me blush!", not that he could see my face.

Alright then - report back over the next few days for "IPS" (imaginary pregnancy symptoms).

The Grand Decision

So, received a call from Kyle, the IVF nurse (let it be duly noted that she is quite pleasant and I have taken a liking to her). She spoke to the doctor and he does not recommend going forward with the IVF this cycle. Its ok...this is what I predicted and what I have mentally prepared for. In a couple of months we shoot for a better cycle - a better response to the drugs and hopefully go forward with an IVF then. This just wasn't the right time.

But we're doing an IUI - first time I've been turkey basted...the odds aren't as good as an IVF, but you never know!

1. We have 3 follicles on the right - that's like 3 months worth of chances right there.
2. Chris is having a sperm wash - so they'll get rid of all the junk and keep the good ones.
3. The timing is perfect. I'm to take the "trigger" tonight. This will mean that within 36 hours my little follies will release...to be met by Chris's washed up n' spiffy sperm...complete with corsage.

That's a whole boat load better than just winging it ourselves...so fingers crossed this could be it!

Hate is a strong word…

...but when you’re pumping in injectible hormones, “not overly fond of” becomes “hatred”. The blood wench at the clinic has an aura of negativity around her. I can count the number of times she has voluntarily started a conversation, and it usually leads to a comment about how she hates her job. Really? Never would have guessed. Today was no exception…when I told her that I would be at work between 8 and 4 to receive a phone call, she said, “hmmm, must be nice.” You know what’s not nice? My never-ending state of infertility, doom and depression. I win.

Today is Day 13 and we are likely heading towards an IUI, so on Sunday when I chatted with the doc, I asked him if we could possibly avoid buying another $500 cartridge of Gonal(bar)F and use the “overfill” from the pens, even if it didn’t reach 450ius. He said “sure sure.” HE understands, why can’t blood wench? She said “you need GonalF for tonight” slapping through the pages of my chart, no eye contact. I thought to myself, here she goes again, talking out of her angry, over-confident (not to mention large) ass. I, personally, think tonight might be trigger night, therefore no GonalF would be required. And perhaps if I have to go another night the doctor will say “just use the overfill”. So I said to her, sweetly “it would be nice if I could avoid buying another $500 dosage. That stuff is so expensive and we’re probably not doing an IVF anyway.” Her response: “It is what it is.”
Why is she such a douche-bag? What’s wrong with saying “yeah, I hear that…the stuff is expensive. We’ll see what the doctor says.” I cannot get passed how she one-ups me every single time – it’s like we’re in a competition but I didn’t get the memo! I did not speak a word after that comment – not even a thank you and I pride myself on always being polite. I got up and walked out of the room…walked into the busy waiting room where all eyes were on me…and said “CLEARLY I’m not in a very good mood today” and plunked myself down in a huff.

So here I am, at my work, between the hours of 8-4 (kiss this), waiting for the call that will FINALLY determine the outcome of this IVF#5.

My Sister's Keeper

Do NOT read the last few chapters of "My Sister's Keeper" in the IVF waiting room when you're hopped up on GonalF. Just don't. It is a recipe for disaster. It started with a quiver of the sides of the mouth...then the eyes welled up. I coughed a little and rubbed my eye (to try to give the impression it was allergy related) but it was too late...all eyes were on me...well not really ON me, but the darting eye trick you get from people who want to STARE but don't want to be gauche. The high pitched clearing of the throat didn't help much either. Anyway...just a warning.

Today's appointment did not go too well. I now have only 4 follicles that will reach the right size come retrieval...the other ones are too small. The doctor sat with me for 15 minutes and told me that we will need to make this decision. Either we go for it with very few follicles and possibly less mature eggs, or we convert to an IUI. We will lose the follicles on the left hand side (because we removed that tube...remember...) but I think it is our best option at this point. I will still take the drugs to the end, I will still do the trigger shot to give a precise window of when I will ovulate, and Chris will do a sperm wash. Trust him to make a joke about WHEN the sperm wash will take place, "before or after deposit?" Har har. He should count his lucky stars that it's after.

The doctor also talked about this being a "priming" cycle. My body didn't respond well to the drugs, and ONCE AGAIN MY MOTHER HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD: My body needed a kick start. Its been 2 years since the last round of drugs and my body is in shut down mode. Sometimes it takes a cycle to get things moving again. The doctor is hoping my body will respond more readily to the drugs in a month or two - he keeps repeating, "we can do better."

I think at this point we have to be reasonable and maximize our "borrowed" dollars. No point spending $10,000 on an IVF when we can convert this not-so-good cycle to a $500 IUI. There is still a good chance it could work...doctor gave us a 15% POP.

To continue?...or not to continue?

Continue.

Chris and I have both gotten it into our heads that one of these 5 little follicles might just grow up to be a professional hockey player and get us out of this surmounting debt. Its worth the gamble don't you think?

The nurse called back and assured us that the doctor is very aware of our history and is not making any decision lightly - and that he feels we should continue because the quality of these 5 follicles might be the difference. Sometimes a different drug protocol is what it takes, and the motto of this IVF#5 is "It only takes one." Its what's keeping us going...and the future wealth of our amazingly talented hockey family.

Speaking of wealth...which we don't have a chance to acquire since we are constantly spending huge sums of money...last night Chris counted out loud as he injected the liquid gold into my leg..."one hundred! two hundred! three hundred! four hundred!....aaaaand 500 hundred dollars!

Sigh. Talk about extortion.

Today’s Outlook: Poor

I am at work now, after my early morning monitoring, and my blood is starting to boil. The more I think about what’s happening here, the more irritated I get. WHY am I in this boat again? “Wow, you’re really slow to respond to the drugs”, said the pessimistic blood work girl who never fails to put me in a bad mood. I guess there’s always one at each clinic…a tone or an attitude or something that makes you feel like she kind of enjoys seeing you squirm. I can’t help but think she gets a small amount of satisfaction when things aren’t up to snuff…she tends to mention the bad things more often than celebrate the good.

I’m usually sickly nice and non-problematic, but enough is enough. I said “why am I here then? Why am I continuing with this IVF if I’m not responding as I should?” I was under the very distinct impression that this doc was going to be different – that he was going to monitor me as we go along, and pull the plug should it not be the best possible set of circumstances. I don’t want to be toying with cancellation – that’s what I’ve always done in the past. I feel like I’ve been fucked again. She immediately started back peddling, she said “well today your numbers might be up, and then we’ll be having a completely different conversation.” Thanks for nothing.

Then I happened upon my horoscope on the subway…

“Something will happen today that shocks you, but looking back you will realize that you should have seen it coming.”

Need I say more?

IVF Waiting Room "Types"

Got to the clinic today at 7:15 to find five women in line before me. DAMN! I am usually #1 or 2, but I guess they are onto me...and now I have to wait. Good thing I had my book, even though I read the same page over and over again. There is too much to watch, study, judge, wonder... everyone has a story and dammit I want to know. There are the "commenters" - these are the quick one-liners, i.e., "its slow today don't you think?" They don't really want you to comment back - they just want to put in their two cents and then get out. Heaven forbid they should encounter a "talker". The "talkers" will glom onto any "commenter" who will then wish they had never opened their big mouth in the first place. Then there are the "readers" - they are always prepared with book in face, or they will head straight for the magazine table and avoid any and all eye contact. They do not speak to anyone and you should not attempt to engage one in conversation, you will be disappointed. Finally there are the "zoners" - they just stare at one spot and glaze over. Zoners are sitting ducks for "talkers" especially since they appear dumb or void of thought.

I'm a reader through and through. I don't want to talk - its 7:15 for god's sake!!! I am generally a chipper person, but I lack the conversation gene that early in the morning. Some people got it, some people don't. I don't.

So today's numbers met the criteria. I don't believe they were on the "way to go!" side of the spectrum, they were more on the "you just squeaked by kid" side. It will have to do - the doc is keeping me in the game. It is still very early and I am pumping in 450ml of Gonal F at a fast and furious rate. I can practically hear the growth in my ovaries... Things are brewing down there.

Stay tuned for Friday's results!