Tammy's Ancient "Disc of Conception"

Well, if you're following along, you know that this is our last month before attempting another expensive and emotionally taxing IVF. An IVF represents such hope, but also comes with its fair share of potential disappointment. For most women, an IVF works...and they get on with their lives. For some it is the ultimate gamble. Can you imagine being at a table in Las Vegas, not knowing what you're doing and throwing down $15,000 on one hand? No-one in their right mind would do that...unless it got them a kid (or they had a really bad gambling problem!) Can I just take a moment here to talk about what a big fat rip-off it is? Can someone please explain to me why an IUI, which requires daily monitoring, doctors, ultrasounds, specialists, etc. etc. costs between $200-400 and an IVF costs TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS (drugs being the additional $5,000)???? How do you go from $200 to TEN THOUSAND in one leap? That's a major difference that I can only chalk up to the fact that a while ago some Big Wig RE must have said out the side of his wryly grin, "we can really make a buck here and charge through the nose because these women are DES-PER-ATE!" Snickers of agreement from around the boardroom table... Men with dollar bills for eyes like the cartoons.

Zoooop! Back to reality...sorry went on a tangent, once again. Anyway, in an effort to avoid all of the above mentioned crapoola, Chris and I knocked boots at the exact right time...well, according to Tammy's Ancient "Disc of Conception". Its this disc with rings and rings of dates and information...its like the Cryptex from the Da Vinci Code - if you line up the right dates, voila!, you get a baby! I forgot to take it with me when I left, so now my mother is the disc interpreter...wonder how many times she's studied it this month.

I refer to it as "Ancient" because I believe modern pregnancy tests can detect a pergnancy much sooner than the Disc of Conception suggests. It says I should test on September 12, when really I should know by about the 4th...and that's LATER than when most of my fellow TTCers test. Anyway, time will tell... will the magic numbers line up? Stay tuned...

An Apology...to all mothers

Ok so I'm not above apologizing when I'm wrong and in this case I am. For years now my fertile friends have been spewing forth life from their loins - little things that spin until they can spin no longer...one might say they are running on perpetual motion...and fish crackers. Well today we acquired one...her name is Quinn and she is my niece. She was dropped off with much enthusiasm by her father early this morning. I couldn't even finish asking my long list of questions before seeing the trail of smoke left down the path, like the Road Runner. That was 8:30. The point of all this is that now its 2:00pm and we have just put the Mighty Quinn down for her nap...and it could not have come sooner.

I remember trying to make plans with mothers, only to be rudely interrupted by the inevitable..."noooo, that won't work, so and so naps at that time.' Rolling my eyes I used to think, "GOD! Who's the boss here - the parent or the kid?" Well today I understand...the nap is not really FOR the kid, its for the parents, and it is NOT to be messed with. To just have a moment to tidy up a little from the monsoon that has passed through the house, or to re-stock the fridge with sweaty cheese and soggy Cheerios left over from the water park...and mostly, to just stare into space. You earned it...you deserve it.

So to all of those mothers who put nap time before anything else, I now completely understand...and I'm sorry I rolled my eyes!

Dear Ruler of the Universe,

If you haven’t already been advised, and with all due respect, I’m kinda ticked. See…I was supposed to have a baby by now, but for whatever reason you felt I needed to be taught a lesson. Maybe a lesson in hardship? Ok that’s fine…I get it. I suppose maybe you felt things came too easily to me (not so sure about this one but we’ll roll with it), or maybe you felt I needed to learn that “good things come to those who wait”. Or maybe you thought I was too smug, or that I’d floated along and hadn’t experienced my fair share of life crises, or that I didn’t “appreciate” enough, or that I was impatient and unforgiving. Whatever the reason is, I feel I have now passed the test. Enough's enough don't you agree? And its not just me who’s suffering either – there are other people at stake here. Not to mention the financial hardship this has put on Chris and myself.

I can assure you, dear Ruler of said universe, that I have risen to the challenge and have learned from the test. Not only do I no longer feel things come easily to me, I am no longer smug about much, and I feel this is a pretty substantial life crises to have to manage. I have learned about tolerance and forgiveness - I have had to throw my pride out the window…and forget about me being competitive…I have completely lost the race and I am not a sore loser. So please, if you could just find it within yourself to cut me some freakin’ slack I would appreciate it.

So first things first. I know a woman with “normal fertility” could be pregnant if she were in my situation. I’m not asking for a miracle here, just to have the same chance as everyone else…to have my shot at conceiving naturally before we have to go and spend another $20,000. Think of it like a bit of payback…for all the money we’ve had to spend on treatments, trips and lawyers. Sounds fair, no?

Barring that, if you could just let this next IVF work, I would be forever grateful. I don’t care if it’s a boy, a girl, two boys, two girls, or a boy and a girl (ok that’s best case scenario) but just a baby or two of any gender – that would be really great.

So please, over the next 2-3 months if you could just keep an eye on me and help me a along a little?? Please?? Trust me, I won’t ever forget the lesson.

Bikini's - Think Outside the Bathingsuit Box

I just read some posts on my girl's/baby/IF/community/anything goes site. The "not-so-itty-bitty" club were commenting on the horrifying and traumatic reality of trying to purchase a bathing suit, which got my wheels turning. Being probably way too conscious and borderline obsessive with my weight (and lack of height in combination)I can completely relate. They might not be able to relate to me, being that I know I am slim to most, but I do understand looking in the mirror and being shocked and awed...and not in a good way. Just yesterday, I shopped for a bikini top and realized that I was trying on tops intended for 20 year old boobs...not unruly, shapeless out-of-control boobs. The stores generally have dim-lit pot lighting (very clever but I'm no dummy) and although its dim, it shows every lump and bump on the way down. Now, replace that dimly lit source of light with the largest source of light known to man, and you've got yourself some serious problems.

This is why I work out so much...and not having had babies, I have had the luxury of time to do so. Had my life's taken the more normal route of easy conception, I may not be as fit as I am today.

I do, however, think there are 2 separate neuroses when it comes to putting it all out there in the noon day sun. The obvious one being weight, but the other one, not given nearly enough credit, is age. There is no question I can fit into a bikini and look good...in candlelight...and my friend L (a member of the "not-so-itty-bitty club") probably wants to smack me right across my face when I whine, which I shouldn't, but I think the issue for me, these days, is not so much about weight, but the fact that I am FORTY.

FORTY year olds, unless they are Ursula or Jennifer Aniston, should not be wearing bikinis. There's just no reason for it. Plus, you scrutinize yourself in a bathing suit (as mentioned above) in front of your bedroom skinny mirror with a "warm-yellow" 40-watt light bulb far off in the distant corner of the room, and think, "I can pull it off." And "yes you can!"...if its 8:00pm or later.

Which brings me to my bathing suit solution: the Lululemon "speedy" short. It has a soft smooth band of Lycra type material right below the bellybutton, a built-in undie, and a very short short. Its skimpy enough to pass as a bathing suit, but not so skimpy that your dimply butt is hanging out for everyone to see. You could pair it with a bra-like bikini top, or if your stomach is an issue, you can wear a tankini top. The only thing they don't recommend is swimming in chlorine, as obviously these are shorts and aren't tested for pools. Its really not a pool look as the intention with a pool is to go for a swim, but if you are at the beach, or simply watching the kiddos by the pool, I think this is a great solution.

So what does everyone else think?? Does it work for you and your lifestyle?

SHG: The New Water Boarding

Yesterday's Sonohystogram wasn't the slightest bit pleasant...I mean, we all know going in that spreading your legs, having a speculum inserted (always an extra special treat) and liquid shot through your tubes isn't going to compare to say, a day at the spa, but generally its pretty quick. In my case, however, and don't be jealous, I get the balloon treatment. Sounds like fun right? Its a balloon on the end of a catheter, shoved up and over your cervix and into your uterus, and then - and here's where it gets good stay with me - they BLOW IT UP so they can stretch out your uterus and have a look. I'm telling you its gotta be worse than water boarding - too bad men don't have uteruses because I'm pretty sure this could be an effective torture tactic. The pain is searing, its like period cramps gone wrong. There's more.. My uterus is narrow and doesn't like foreign objects obnoxiously shoved into it...it expels the balloon - slips it out and says NO! NO WANT BALLOON RIGHT NOW! and assumes the fisty-cuffs position. FOUR TIMES PEOPLE FOUR TIMES I had to have this procedure repeated because my uterus (who I need to have a serious talk with) once again decided to misbehave. My new doc, who yesterday I wanted to backhand right from the stirrups position, was very apologetic and later called to make sure I was alright. He said what we did today must have been very traumatic, and wondered if I had any serious pain, fever, etc. I lied and said I was feeling ok...and then spent the night writhing with stomach pain from the 4 heavy duty anti-biotic pills I had to take all at once to stave off any future infection...like a hydrosalpinx.

I'm glad I stuck it out because there was no way I was coming back to try it again another day. I was determined to potentially put SHG's behind me forever. But to be honest, if that balloon had slipped out a 4th time, I wouldn't have been able to continue. It was becoming unbearable, it had been an hour and a half of this, and I was verging tears. I have to say that this whole baby making business is so barbaric and awful - how can anyone endure this type of constant prodding and poking...only to end up disappointed over and over again. I know many women who can't handle the process and give up - live a life without fertility treatments and choose another path. I can now understand how they come to that decision. Sometimes it's all just too unbearable.

Having said all that, things look ok...my uterus is narrow, and small, but once again my mother made my day with her unknowing hilarity...she said "Lisa, MIDGETS have babies." lol - well ok then.

Today my new fert doc did something no other person has been able to do...

Restore my hope.

I was really just going through the motions...doing what the doctor said, taking the vits, getting the operation, floating along like a zombie towards what felt like an unattainable, impossible goal. I have felt this way for a long time, and even though I would shake off the negative thoughts, I was sure they'd be back - ready to seize and destroy any glimmer of hope. I've been conditioned this way - its programmed in now... Hope had left the building...until today.

See, by doing another round of IVF it kept me from having to accept the awful and inevitable direction my life was going to take. A life without children. Not even adoption, with all those beautiful children, abused children, abandoned children out there who would be so loved and cared for by us, were ever going to come our way. It was, by all counts, 100% hopeless...until today.

My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and the Peaches have been a life saver for me, supporting me through every failed attempt, cheering me on again and again, but even they may have a seed of doubt in their minds...with all that has happened so far, is there any hope?

I'm happy to report that there is - there finally is some hope! Everyone can feel hopeful...and here's why.

We had a long talk with our fertility doc today. We were called into discuss the post operative report - they had had a cancellation so we seized the opportunity. Unlike previous visits, his demeanor was softer, kinder, and most importantly, he was feeling very optimistic. He told us that he would be very disappointed if we did not try again with our own egg/sperm. It may not work, but at least we would have no regrets. He told us that now my uterus should be in great shape, and that is half the battle. I said, "of course", but what I really thought was "what's the point - sure - great uterus, shit eggs...what's the point?" I asked him "how can we get better quality eggs? Isn't that the main issue?" He said that its a numbers game and that Lifequest chose to do something he would NEVER do on someone my age...start with BCP. (MOTHER YOU CAN GLOAT NOW - SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT ONE IOTA AND IT BUGGED THE CRAP OUT OF HER - SHE KEPT QUESTIONING IT - SAYING IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.) He said eliminating that is the key...it did nothing but suppress my follicle growth, and at my age it is too much to recover from. He said the more the better, and we wait for a good month. We look at Day 1 - check the bloods - check the LH, no good - cancel. We try again the next month...LH ok? Good - go forward...Day 3 good follicle # - keep moving...Day 7 good follicle growth? Hmmm, not as good as expected - cancel. I thought to myself...wow, you won't waste valuable money on drugs ($300/day) going for something that was never meant to be. I like that idea.

There was so much to the conversation that was positive...we talked about donor eggs/donor embryos, legislation and how its not as intimidating as we think - easy once all the paperwork is signed off on... We wrapped up and I said "ok...well this sounds good...I have to admit I don't have a lot of hope left in me - its been a long haul and..." he cut me off and said "what?" I said, "well it just seems...impossible." He said with a big smile on his face, "why??!!! You have everything to be hopeful for. This is a new direction for you. Don't forget you could have put a 20 year old's embryos in you before your operation and it WOULD NOT HAVE WORKED. EVER. It just would not have worked...so think about it - you put in your eggs that are not such great quality into a toxic environment - you just have no chance. Your uterus should be optimal, there is no endo, your lining is good, you've lost the toxic tube. And if you've already decided on donor eggs/embryos ...forget it!!! You don't need to feel hopeless any more - you WILL BE PREGNANT. There is no question in my mind - our stats are 90% + for donor eggs...YOU WILL GET PREGNANT."

I look at Chris...he says with a smile on his face "oh no...here we go...she's gonna blow!" I BURST into tears...it was impossible for me not to and I hated the fact that I did because I thought this doctor would want none of it...I just couldn't hold it any longer...I just completely broke down...Chris said "don't worry - let it go - its VERY EMOTIONAL!!!" He always lets me cry when I need to - he's sooo understanding that way...I love him for that. I am still breaking down just thinking about it. I WILL BE PREGNANT EVERYONE!!! I am going to have a baby.

Love to you all,
xo

Surgery Sucks

Let’s face it, it isn’t a good time. Despite a much needed reprieve from work, it has been a rough week of recovery. The surgery itself went well according to Dr. Satkunarantnam (say that fast 10 times) and everything that needed to be fixed was fixed to the best of his ability. My left tube was removed, as promised (or at least we hope it was – anyone watch Oprah yesterday?) and the right one remained untouched as it was “perfect” – a laughable description considering we’re referring to my reproductive organs. The septum was also removed and to minimize scarring from all this nipping and tucking, I have an intrauterine catheter up my hoo-haw. Can’t picture it? Let me see if I can shed some light… The uterus has a balloon in it…to keep it open and taught and to minimize scarring. Attached to this balloon is what I like to refer to as a “jaggedy-arsed twig” and this jaddedy-arsed twig is sticking out of my hoo-haw. It moves a half an inch or so up and down depending on how cramped, or relaxed my uterus is at the moment…it tends to relax after fighting to expel the jaggedy-arsed twig and balloon for a good couple of hours. I also refer to it as the "stir stick" as it has a similar level of flexibility. What's really fun is when it sticks out further than normal and gets caught on my knickers or skin...that's fun...or it hinders how I walk. I must have explained to at least 8 office employees today “put my back out” (shrug)…little do they know what's happening south of the border.

BUT it’s all part of the master plan and hopefully it will help to make a difference. We all know it is only one/one thousandth of the process…there are so many other things that need to line up, things that most people (i.e., “Ferts”) take for granted, but every little bit helps.

Next appointment with Dr. A is August 18. Now that the surgery is done, I can heal up, and enjoy the summer!

Table and Chairs...As Promised...

Filler Posts...for the down times...

Its hard being a perfectionist...isn't it dad?

Yes, I'm blaming you - you made me this way because you're so damn precise yourself. I have expectations to live up to, I can't be slapping things together all willy nilly...it has to be done right. I'm certain the 50 calls I have put into my father, woodworker extroidinare, has completely irritated him, but that is the job of "dad" so suck it up.

It all began when we decided to grow up and get rid of our IKEA bouncy chairs - yes the adult version of the baby bouncy. They have no business being in our living room, and for years I have threatened to get rid of them. So began the search for replacement chairs - ones that both Chris and I liked, fit into that tiny space without overtaking it, and were within the budget. Good luck. 5 years later and I have found the chairs. Oh no wait, I found the chairs last year but they were from Thomasville and were $1,400 each...but you know, we are not dripping in diamonds. But I found a really cheap replica...like in In Style magazine or House and Home where they have the richy rich version, the average version and then the cheapy IKEA version. Well these are the average version. So...$349 US, to be delivered from the States, but after factoring in shipping, taxes, duty, brokerage, mood and time of month, they are actually costing us one million dollars. Well no, they are ending up to be $750 each. But blimey how did that happen?

After much discussion, the husband and I decided that grown up people make hard decisions and have to spend money (and feel sick) sometimes. So we pushed the "purchase" button and are now waiting for our magic chairs...that will mostly likely suck and be completely uncomfortable. The end. Oh no wait, I was getting to the story of the table. Well the table was purchased for me by my mother when I first moved here to Toronto. It was a good solid piece in a light color - IKEA yes, but not particle board - a good/nice coffee table - substantial and it wasn't cheap. I am staining it dark to align more with the chairs. It is a good size too and works well in the living room. I was at a friends house for brunch today and we talked about mixing expensive pieces with cheap pieces - being "eclectic" in decoration, which is exactly what we're doing, although not by choice, by default because now we don't have the money for even a cheap coffee table, or food for that matter. Anyway, I have, for 2 weeks now, been sanding, conditioning, resanding, staining, shellacking, sanding, fixing, etc. etc. I am done with it and I don't even know if it will work in the room. I have also spent a small fortune on conditioner, sanding papers, stain, brushes and shellac.

We shall see.

Stay tuned for before/after pics.

This n' That

I kindof wish sometimes Chris was head over heels in love with me, like worshiped the ground I walked on. But then when I think about it, and if that were the case, I would never have married him. I would have been irritated. THANKFULLY Chris is consistently unimpressed by me, so you need not worry.

I kid - we get along, mostly. We seem to have a fun thing going on, but at the same time we are so totally opposite! Night and day. When I have the most energy, he has the least...and when he has the most, I have the least. He's a night owl, I'm a morning girl. He turns right, I turn left. I want bacon, he wants a sticky bun. He wants to be alone, I want to socialize. He drives me nuts and I'm certain I drive him nuts back. Can this kind of love be enduring? Who knows? Is YOUR love "enduring"? I do know that there's always something about Chris that keeps me coming back for more. He's kindof handsome, we'll give him that...he's quite charming really, and he's funny as hell! I don't think people realize how funny he is because if he's not 100% comfortable, he's more "polite" but there is something he does every single day that makes me almost pee my pants.

Enough with the Cmac Adoration Society already, this blog is about me and its been a long time in coming.

The surgery is still scheduled for June 4 but I have put in a call to "Shirley" the coordinator to see if it can be moved up a little. I don't mind the timing of things really, but I am twiddling my thumbs for 2 months and the sooner I recover the faster we can move onto an IVF. I feel like things aren't going fast enough - I'm getting twitchy again. One can't fully understand what its like to have NOTHING going on each month, especially at my age. 2 months feels like 2 years when you're 40 and trying to get knocked up.

So surgery in June, possibly sooner...IVF September? October? I am to heal as best as possible before attempting an IVF. Also, My FSH levels will be checked before starting stims and if my levels for that month are crapola then no IVF that month. I like that idea.

Sometimes, however, I think to myself that this is like gardening. You can have the best soil possible - ready to go and rich with nutrients, but a bad seed is a bad seed. It does worry me - all this uterus landscaping is great - but my eggs still suck. I really hope this new doc really meant what he said and that he really CAN DO BETTER with the drug protocol. He said he could - I hope he wasn't just being cocky "I am god" doc to get our business. I would like to see a couple of embryos thrive - that's not asking too much is it? Maybe even one or two to freeze? Ok now I'm pushing my luck.

Heaven and Hell

So we are off to Maui in less than 3 weeks and I am SALIVATING at the thought. Its been a long time in coming. I booked this trip at least 4 months ago - like back in October or something, so I've definitely been looking forward to it for a loooong time. The weather here in Ontario is insulting. Its rude, and obnoxious and has absolutely no place in this world. We are reduced to living in parkas and fluffy boots...braving early morning temperatures fit for places like Alaska, or Russia. What were our settlers thinking? Why didn't they say "fuck this noise - keep moving!!!" Did they invite everyone in the spring so they'd get a false sense of security - only to be assaulted by winter come December? Did they outright LIE about it all? Did they honestly think they could just turn a blind eye and expect no one to notice??

Meanwhile back in Hawaii, the smells of Gardenia and Plumeria are fresh in the morning breeze. The ocean and sky resemble the color of jewels and the green grass is lush from the overnight rain. Coconuts and pineapples call you for breakfast and the parrots speak to you in island whispers.

Ok so I'm a little excited...can you tell? Toronto...Maui..Toronto...Maui...heaven...hell...heaven...hell...

It was Ambitious

...starting my diet so soon. Exercising like a madwoman with my homey Nicole...thinking I could "keep it up" until Maui. We started before Xmas...and I've been obsessed with eating healthy and exercising 3 times a week since then. And where has it gotten me? Nowhere! I stepped on the scale this morning to find I am right back to my good old 131 (I was a 125 last week). Why does my weight fluctuate so badly, and why can I not stop thinking about potato chips and Chocolate Rice Crispy Squares? Seriously these things are a valuable commodity in this household. We actually do our negotiating with them. I get a rice crispy square, he gets out of cleaning the bathroom. What.? It is SOOO worth it. Shit - maybe I should just buy them and make him do the bathroom. Note to self.

I know I am PMSing - I know I'm not pregnant (snort). I want to eat fattening things, and cakes and cookies and deep fried crispy goodness.

I am insatiable.

God help me - I jumped on my bed yesterday so I could get a full length vision of what it might look like to wear a bikini in the noon day sun (I used my ceiling light as a direct downward fat seeker tool). I stood in shock looking in the mirror. My knees resemble stacks of butter crepes. I've never been fortunate with the knees - there's lots of fat and skin all folding over itself in a fight for the floor...

In fact I give up. Its too hard and its too all consuming. I am SUPPOSED to be a fat girl.

Oooh the liberation - the freedom!!!

So today was yet another step towards the Big and Final IVF. Met with Dr. S. who is the guy who's going to landscape my uterus. There is serious work to be done my friends... Firstly they need to go in near my belly button - "up to 4 small incisions". All I can say is thank god this isn't happening prior to our trip to Maui...one last searing of my semi-decent 40 year old curves... I also would feel much better going into a surgery with a golden tan and a fresh bikini wax...call me crazy. Anyhoo, they need to do many things...including:

1. remove left fallopian tube.
2. potentially remove right fallopian tube
(I'm rooting for this because then I'll be "insured")
3. assess & clean up scar tissue
4. remove septum
5. leave in catheter (apparently this helps heal uterus with less scar tissue)

Honestly, is it any wonder I can't get pregnant with all this business going on? Its a freakin' yard sale down there. Who knew? Not me. Oh! Apparently ``Lifequest`` knew but we`ll deal with them later. We WILL deal with them later. (I sound scary but I`m really not. Put it this way, if I get pregnant, I`ll put all this behind me. If I don`t and we wasted precious years and countless dollars, I WILL DEAL WITH THEM LATER. Note it.)

So there ya go. Oh, surgery date is JUNE FREAKIN` 4TH! Chris has reminded me that he doesn`t care how much the surgery hurts, he will be expecting a full on organized birthday party the next day complete with full dinner and tier cake... Its not June 5th yet, so we'll see, but for now I've told him where he can stuff a tier.

They told me they often get cancellations and that my surgery might be moved up. I honestly feel quite confident this will happen, although its not a biggie if it doesn`t I suppose - June will be here before we know it...and to be 100% honest, since this is our last kick at the IVF can, I`m not particularly in a rush to get it over with. With a future IVF there`s promise, there`s a plan, there`s hope. Without any of that and no babies...well...it will bring a host of unwanted and needing-to-be-dealt-with emotions, of which I am not ready for. So I`m ok with June 4.

Your Life Lesson For Today

When I sat down to write this post, my initial thought was that 2008 was a waste of time because here we are a year later and we are no closer to getting a baby. But it doesn't take long for me these days to see how wrong I am. I got lots of sleep - there's something I won't get back after kids. I went to San Francisco, Florida and Kelowna...all fun trips (although difficult at times for obvious reasons, but still adventuresome). We continued to be proactive with respect to adoption and our upcoming fertility treatments... This is all a step in the right direction. Without this past year, we wouldn't be where we are today...allow me to explain...

I've had a bit of a revelation lately...and I'm not an idiot, I know there will come a time in the near future where I will feel sorry for myself again, but for now I am feeling very very lucky. There are really, so so many things to be thankful for...all this pouting and "woe is me" just ain't my thing. How can I do that when there are kids starving in the world, kids being abused by their very own parents, people struggling to find a warm place to sleep, lonely people, misunderstood people, victimized people, people with cancer, children with cancer... How can I fucking complain?? I can't - that's the point. And if YOU are none of the above mentioned things then you'd better start counting your blessings too.

Do I sounds harsh? Good. We all get a little forgetful of how good things are for us. Sit back and think about how your life REALLY is - compare it to the rest of the world and you'll quickly understand. This is the new me. Sure, Chris and I have gone through a few rough years, but we are stronger for it. I have learned so much about things like integrity, pity (and how much I hate it), and pride.

I feel stronger than ever - how bout you?

Ooops

Forgot to mention - I got the call (bout bloody time). My consult is on Jan 26. Lolita at my clinic said one can safely assume a 2 month wait between consult and surgery, but that works out well actually. I'll have the consult, we'll go to Maui, I'll return and have the surgery, rest and then we're on for another IVF! Its exciting, but a word of advice for you hopefuls...don't get them up too high!

THANKS FOR READING

Just wanted to give everyone here a big THANK YOU for all your heart felt comments...and most of the time I can tell who you are! I soooo appreciate every single word - there's nothing like getting comments to posts...its like a mini-Christmas every time I log on to find one! I love what everyone has to say...I adored the last one, it was honest and open.

So thanks for being honest - that's important!! And please keep participating - and posting whatever you want. It doesn't have to be in reply to a specific post...just say what you want to say. Anytime.

So thanks to family and friends - its been rough, no question, but you've all been so supportive and I couldn't have gotten through it all without you.

xo

ps don't forget to laugh every day! I do!
(good for the endorphins)

A more serious post...

You know, you try to come to terms with certain things - why things come easily to some, the behavior of others in relation to what you're going through, etc. etc., and sometimes you just feel lost - like no one sees or understands what you are going through because they're just getting on with their lives...and you can't blame them, THEY don't live with infertility EVERY SINGLE DAY. And then you talk to others in your exact situation and they make it make sense...you know? I was feeling like people were forgetting what I was going through, and that this situation I find myself in has become normal and that I'm just fine because I'm not bursting into tears every time I see a baby. But I don't want people to forget, because then it seems like they've given up on me too. I need people to stay on top of me...to ask me...to talk to me about it...but in a way that is kind, and considerate of what I've experienced...in other words, don't pretend to know what I'm going through. You have NO idea. Just listen and be supportive and don't talk out your ass. There are few people who know what I'm going through and one of them is B from the Peach. She and her husband have been struggling with infertility for 4 years, although her story is much more painful IMO for reasons I won't discuss here as its HER story... She's a wonderfully caring person and has such an amazing talent for exploring and breaking down the emotions related to infertility. I vented about the stupid things people say and she responded...

"...with short-term health crises, the problem happens, you talk to other people about it, they give you support, then the problem is resolved and people move on. Because the affected person is talking about the problem, people are on best behavior (or at least they try to be). People try to say the right things, they ask about it, they listen, they expect you to talk about it.

But with long term infertility, this dynamic gets messed up. I know from my own experience, I got to a point where I didn't want to talk about it much, because I started to feel like people would see me as a "Debbie Downer" all the time. I worried that people would be tired of hearing about it. Heck, I get tired of talking about it. So you stop talking about it, which gives others the impression that maybe you're doing A-OK or that it's not an issue anymore, and so maybe they start to talk off the cuff more in ways that can be hurtful."

Bingo.

There was more to the post, but I thought this part was worth posting here, because it is so well said. Thanks again B!

Don't think you're lucky? Think again...

I used to think people who got pregnant right away were so lucky!
And then I thought, wow, people who got pregnant within a year are so lucky!
And then I thought DEFINITELY women who got pregnant on their first IVF attempt are so lucky!
And then I thought if you can get pregnant within 3 IVF's then you are definitely lucky!
Then I thought people who adopt are so lucky!

Now I think if I ever get a baby through adoption I will be so lucky! HA!

So if you take are walking around like a zombie because your kids kept you up all night, or you have throwup on your best sweater, or you need to make 8 dozen cookies for the bakesale tomorrow, or you have a household full of phlegmmy kids...you know what I say?

YOU ARE SO LUCKY!

Here we are in Limboland again...where nothing happens and the hope starts to fade. I have officially become the obnoxious caller. The one everyone wishes would just go away. I email Blugerman adoption jokes which I'm sure he rolls his eyes at, and the nurses at the clinic are tired, I'm sure, of telling me to "be patient". How long does it take to book an effing appointment? You open the book, you run your finger down to the next available spot and you write down a name. Easy peasy right? So what on earth is the holdup?

Every day I am bombarded with pics of newborns, and pregnancy announcements. Its difficult. Facebook is brutal!! Its a constant barrage of squirming newborns, eyes half open, wrapped in soft fleece and smelling like baby. I never thought I'd be the type to say this, but maybe I should stay away for a while. I've always enjoyed other people's babies, but right now...well, it really stings.

I hate whining but its all I can muster these days. But that's the nature of the blog...you have to hear the bad too...and right now its officially...BAD.

Moaning Lisa

Wake up and wonder what aches and pains today will bring.
Reach over to turn off alarm that Chris sleeps through daily and realize my shoulder is still frozen.
Wince with pain.
Get up slowly, no more wrenching myself up to the sitting position – recipe for disaster.
Roll to one side, use right arm to prop self up, keeping neck straight, slowly lower legs. Ok, nothing “pinched”. So far so good. Moving on…
Head to the washroom.
Recall sciatic pain down right leg…remember that limping is easier - limp to the washroom.
Look in mirror. Stare with utter disbelief.
?
?
?
Wonder how on earth face could look so puffy. Recall enjoying large bag of Miss Vicki’s chips the night prior.
Notice grey taking over brown. Wonder if growing out grey would look chic or shitty.
Pee while petting 2 cats.
Worry that new cat (who we have very recently adopted and haven’t gotten a litter for yet because we’re lazy…fingers crossed) will hear sounds of flowing water which will then trigger uncontrollable urge to pee himself. (Does this happen to you?)
Figure he must be bursting by now and tell new cat to hang on kitty, just hang on.
Forget and walk past bursting new cat and head for scales in office. As suspected gain yet another pound. Fat or water retention? Who the hell knows.
Brace self at top of stairs while old and new cat do figure 8’s around feet. With only one eye open, try to navigate my way down without a) killing a cat or b) breaking neck. It’s a miracle I make to the main floor in one piece. Make note to clean walls of hand prints.
Let new cat out for the day, feed old cat her kibble.
Strain neck lowering water dish to the floor.
Take fertility pills (this is where you slap your knee and laugh…good one).
Wonder secretly if fertility vitamins the undiscovered "fountain of youth."
Take a 2nd look at grey hair in toaster.
Eat cereal.
Check email (with one hand over eye for clearer vision).
Sneeze. Pull lower back muscle.
Return to upstairs to begin anti puffiness process…

Make mental note to search internet at work for new miracle potion.

Sigh.