So today was yet another step towards the Big and Final IVF. Met with Dr. S. who is the guy who's going to landscape my uterus. There is serious work to be done my friends... Firstly they need to go in near my belly button - "up to 4 small incisions". All I can say is thank god this isn't happening prior to our trip to Maui...one last searing of my semi-decent 40 year old curves... I also would feel much better going into a surgery with a golden tan and a fresh bikini wax...call me crazy. Anyhoo, they need to do many things...including:

1. remove left fallopian tube.
2. potentially remove right fallopian tube
(I'm rooting for this because then I'll be "insured")
3. assess & clean up scar tissue
4. remove septum
5. leave in catheter (apparently this helps heal uterus with less scar tissue)

Honestly, is it any wonder I can't get pregnant with all this business going on? Its a freakin' yard sale down there. Who knew? Not me. Oh! Apparently ``Lifequest`` knew but we`ll deal with them later. We WILL deal with them later. (I sound scary but I`m really not. Put it this way, if I get pregnant, I`ll put all this behind me. If I don`t and we wasted precious years and countless dollars, I WILL DEAL WITH THEM LATER. Note it.)

So there ya go. Oh, surgery date is JUNE FREAKIN` 4TH! Chris has reminded me that he doesn`t care how much the surgery hurts, he will be expecting a full on organized birthday party the next day complete with full dinner and tier cake... Its not June 5th yet, so we'll see, but for now I've told him where he can stuff a tier.

They told me they often get cancellations and that my surgery might be moved up. I honestly feel quite confident this will happen, although its not a biggie if it doesn`t I suppose - June will be here before we know it...and to be 100% honest, since this is our last kick at the IVF can, I`m not particularly in a rush to get it over with. With a future IVF there`s promise, there`s a plan, there`s hope. Without any of that and no babies...well...it will bring a host of unwanted and needing-to-be-dealt-with emotions, of which I am not ready for. So I`m ok with June 4.

Your Life Lesson For Today

When I sat down to write this post, my initial thought was that 2008 was a waste of time because here we are a year later and we are no closer to getting a baby. But it doesn't take long for me these days to see how wrong I am. I got lots of sleep - there's something I won't get back after kids. I went to San Francisco, Florida and Kelowna...all fun trips (although difficult at times for obvious reasons, but still adventuresome). We continued to be proactive with respect to adoption and our upcoming fertility treatments... This is all a step in the right direction. Without this past year, we wouldn't be where we are today...allow me to explain...

I've had a bit of a revelation lately...and I'm not an idiot, I know there will come a time in the near future where I will feel sorry for myself again, but for now I am feeling very very lucky. There are really, so so many things to be thankful for...all this pouting and "woe is me" just ain't my thing. How can I do that when there are kids starving in the world, kids being abused by their very own parents, people struggling to find a warm place to sleep, lonely people, misunderstood people, victimized people, people with cancer, children with cancer... How can I fucking complain?? I can't - that's the point. And if YOU are none of the above mentioned things then you'd better start counting your blessings too.

Do I sounds harsh? Good. We all get a little forgetful of how good things are for us. Sit back and think about how your life REALLY is - compare it to the rest of the world and you'll quickly understand. This is the new me. Sure, Chris and I have gone through a few rough years, but we are stronger for it. I have learned so much about things like integrity, pity (and how much I hate it), and pride.

I feel stronger than ever - how bout you?

Ooops

Forgot to mention - I got the call (bout bloody time). My consult is on Jan 26. Lolita at my clinic said one can safely assume a 2 month wait between consult and surgery, but that works out well actually. I'll have the consult, we'll go to Maui, I'll return and have the surgery, rest and then we're on for another IVF! Its exciting, but a word of advice for you hopefuls...don't get them up too high!

THANKS FOR READING

Just wanted to give everyone here a big THANK YOU for all your heart felt comments...and most of the time I can tell who you are! I soooo appreciate every single word - there's nothing like getting comments to posts...its like a mini-Christmas every time I log on to find one! I love what everyone has to say...I adored the last one, it was honest and open.

So thanks for being honest - that's important!! And please keep participating - and posting whatever you want. It doesn't have to be in reply to a specific post...just say what you want to say. Anytime.

So thanks to family and friends - its been rough, no question, but you've all been so supportive and I couldn't have gotten through it all without you.

xo

ps don't forget to laugh every day! I do!
(good for the endorphins)

A more serious post...

You know, you try to come to terms with certain things - why things come easily to some, the behavior of others in relation to what you're going through, etc. etc., and sometimes you just feel lost - like no one sees or understands what you are going through because they're just getting on with their lives...and you can't blame them, THEY don't live with infertility EVERY SINGLE DAY. And then you talk to others in your exact situation and they make it make sense...you know? I was feeling like people were forgetting what I was going through, and that this situation I find myself in has become normal and that I'm just fine because I'm not bursting into tears every time I see a baby. But I don't want people to forget, because then it seems like they've given up on me too. I need people to stay on top of me...to ask me...to talk to me about it...but in a way that is kind, and considerate of what I've experienced...in other words, don't pretend to know what I'm going through. You have NO idea. Just listen and be supportive and don't talk out your ass. There are few people who know what I'm going through and one of them is B from the Peach. She and her husband have been struggling with infertility for 4 years, although her story is much more painful IMO for reasons I won't discuss here as its HER story... She's a wonderfully caring person and has such an amazing talent for exploring and breaking down the emotions related to infertility. I vented about the stupid things people say and she responded...

"...with short-term health crises, the problem happens, you talk to other people about it, they give you support, then the problem is resolved and people move on. Because the affected person is talking about the problem, people are on best behavior (or at least they try to be). People try to say the right things, they ask about it, they listen, they expect you to talk about it.

But with long term infertility, this dynamic gets messed up. I know from my own experience, I got to a point where I didn't want to talk about it much, because I started to feel like people would see me as a "Debbie Downer" all the time. I worried that people would be tired of hearing about it. Heck, I get tired of talking about it. So you stop talking about it, which gives others the impression that maybe you're doing A-OK or that it's not an issue anymore, and so maybe they start to talk off the cuff more in ways that can be hurtful."

Bingo.

There was more to the post, but I thought this part was worth posting here, because it is so well said. Thanks again B!

Don't think you're lucky? Think again...

I used to think people who got pregnant right away were so lucky!
And then I thought, wow, people who got pregnant within a year are so lucky!
And then I thought DEFINITELY women who got pregnant on their first IVF attempt are so lucky!
And then I thought if you can get pregnant within 3 IVF's then you are definitely lucky!
Then I thought people who adopt are so lucky!

Now I think if I ever get a baby through adoption I will be so lucky! HA!

So if you take are walking around like a zombie because your kids kept you up all night, or you have throwup on your best sweater, or you need to make 8 dozen cookies for the bakesale tomorrow, or you have a household full of phlegmmy kids...you know what I say?

YOU ARE SO LUCKY!

Here we are in Limboland again...where nothing happens and the hope starts to fade. I have officially become the obnoxious caller. The one everyone wishes would just go away. I email Blugerman adoption jokes which I'm sure he rolls his eyes at, and the nurses at the clinic are tired, I'm sure, of telling me to "be patient". How long does it take to book an effing appointment? You open the book, you run your finger down to the next available spot and you write down a name. Easy peasy right? So what on earth is the holdup?

Every day I am bombarded with pics of newborns, and pregnancy announcements. Its difficult. Facebook is brutal!! Its a constant barrage of squirming newborns, eyes half open, wrapped in soft fleece and smelling like baby. I never thought I'd be the type to say this, but maybe I should stay away for a while. I've always enjoyed other people's babies, but right now...well, it really stings.

I hate whining but its all I can muster these days. But that's the nature of the blog...you have to hear the bad too...and right now its officially...BAD.

Moaning Lisa

Wake up and wonder what aches and pains today will bring.
Reach over to turn off alarm that Chris sleeps through daily and realize my shoulder is still frozen.
Wince with pain.
Get up slowly, no more wrenching myself up to the sitting position – recipe for disaster.
Roll to one side, use right arm to prop self up, keeping neck straight, slowly lower legs. Ok, nothing “pinched”. So far so good. Moving on…
Head to the washroom.
Recall sciatic pain down right leg…remember that limping is easier - limp to the washroom.
Look in mirror. Stare with utter disbelief.
?
?
?
Wonder how on earth face could look so puffy. Recall enjoying large bag of Miss Vicki’s chips the night prior.
Notice grey taking over brown. Wonder if growing out grey would look chic or shitty.
Pee while petting 2 cats.
Worry that new cat (who we have very recently adopted and haven’t gotten a litter for yet because we’re lazy…fingers crossed) will hear sounds of flowing water which will then trigger uncontrollable urge to pee himself. (Does this happen to you?)
Figure he must be bursting by now and tell new cat to hang on kitty, just hang on.
Forget and walk past bursting new cat and head for scales in office. As suspected gain yet another pound. Fat or water retention? Who the hell knows.
Brace self at top of stairs while old and new cat do figure 8’s around feet. With only one eye open, try to navigate my way down without a) killing a cat or b) breaking neck. It’s a miracle I make to the main floor in one piece. Make note to clean walls of hand prints.
Let new cat out for the day, feed old cat her kibble.
Strain neck lowering water dish to the floor.
Take fertility pills (this is where you slap your knee and laugh…good one).
Wonder secretly if fertility vitamins the undiscovered "fountain of youth."
Take a 2nd look at grey hair in toaster.
Eat cereal.
Check email (with one hand over eye for clearer vision).
Sneeze. Pull lower back muscle.
Return to upstairs to begin anti puffiness process…

Make mental note to search internet at work for new miracle potion.

Sigh.

WOW! Doc’s office just phoned to tell me I definitely ovulated this month! This is great because we were “on board” if you catch my drift. Oh…but wait a second…I’m pretty sure I ovulate every month…and I’m pretty sure I’ve ovulated every month, for the past 48 months…and I’m pretty sure that I ovulate CD 16-18, which is when we have been..."on board"...without complaining about it even. Yet nothing seems to come of our efforts (roll eyes). Oh boy…who knew this TTC business would be so tricky! Seems like everyone is doing their share, showing up on time, working their full 8 hours, gettin’ things done…but the business is bombing. Scratch head. It doesn’t make any sense, yet here we are. Well! Miracles do happen, right? Pfffft. Please.

Next step is Monday’s meeting with Dr. G.O.H. to review our findings.

Ain’t this fun?!!

Hydro-Monster Be Gone!

So...if you're following along, Dr. G. has us doing a "diagnostics cycle" - which means we are getting a baseline of what my body naturally does - all on its own without fertility drugs. Smart idea now that I think of it (2.5 years later). Anyhoo! Doc's office calls to tell me that I have a very lovely looking follicle on the right side - not the left where the dreaded hydrosalpinx is - waiting to strike dead any living thing inside me. The Hydro Monster!! BRAAAAAAAH! THOU SHALT NOT LIVE! (that's Hydro Monster's voice...in case you hadn't figured that out. Please refer to scary monster picture shown above). So back to the point of the phone call, doc says to "get busy" over the next few days...you know, give it a go. I'll have to break the news to Chris gently...he doesn't like being told what to do...ok Chris I am laughing right now - you are absolutely fuming no doubt. Well you know...get your own blog... (love you!)

Anyway, I have to have Hydro Monster removed from my innerds before any IVF can happen. That means surgery. I am waiting for a surgery date...real patiently I might add...tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...

There are 2 girls on the Peach who found out TODAY they are pregnant. A long road for them - very very long road with lots of IVF attempts. I am over the moon for both of them - for the obvious reasons, as well as hope for myself. I think we are all in for about $40,000+ each (not that we give a crapola about the money spent, but just to give you an approximate idea of the level of fuckedness). The only thing that differentiates us is that they both have had pregnancies. For one a miscarriage, for the other a chemical. I beg the powers that be to let them continue to be pregnant and have happy healthy squiggly pudgy pink babies. Twins would be heaven sent, but I won't push my luck.

I really do feel like the last man standing...and its kinda weird since Chris and I don't really have a diagnosis other than the hydrosalpinx and possible DNA fragmentation in his sperm, or old eggs, etc. Good grief it really does seem hopeless...I have to say. I cannot envision a pregnancy at this point, yet I have to stay hopeful because it happens for women all the time. Those who truly thought they'd never ever get pregnant...it does happen. I can't be that screwed can I? Where I never get to have a baby, and I never get to adopt either? WTF?

Anyway, bottom line my ladies got knocked up - and for this moment we'll say, if it happened for them, it can happen for us.

I don't know what it is about writing...sometimes you feel like getting it all down, and other times you just can't bring yourself to do it. Lately, to be perfectly honest, its been more of a case of "I can't be bothered." Horrible attitude huh? Well it comes with the territory I suppose. There are long months of nothingness...just continuing on with no irons in the fire...it makes me crazy and panicked.

I don't know how it happened, but something inside my head clicked on and there it was...my plan. Clear as mud but a plan nonetheless. I have to switch doctors and try another IVF. I don't know at what point I need to give up on the whole project, but it ain't at the ripe old age of 39...that's for shizzle. So here we are - on the cusp of another shot...

The new doc, we'll call Dr. Glimmer of Hope, does things much differently than the old doc, we'll call Dr. Crapola over at the old clinic, we'll call Deathquest. His process is the antithesis of Dr. Crapola's where everyone appears to get the same breakfast, lunch and dinner. And he takes his time, spends hours explaining things, talks things out. The most time I ever spent with Dr. Crapola in a room was approx. 2 minutes (other than the retrieval which I'm sure he feels takes up way too much of his precious time). Dr. G. spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS looking at my girl pipes the other day...TWO AND A HALF HOURS PEOPLE. He had a damn good look and discovered some scary, but fixable things. Dr. G. thinks that if we eliminate these things that could be lowering my chances, and boost up my egg quality, we have a fair shot.

So there it is in a nutshell. Dr. G. called me angry and for the sake of this latest attempt, I am going to put all of my ill feelings about Deathquest behind me and move forward.

Oh, and on Thursday, Chris and I signed the final adoption homestudy papers...we are DONE! We are officially in a position to receive that phone call saying we've been chosen. That's very exciting.

TWO irons in the fire.

(ps thanks N for reminding me to WRITE!!)

Now I...had...the time of my life....no I never felt this way before....and I swear its the truth...and I owe it all to you!

Well the end of summer approaches. I can’t say I’m miserable about it, I really love fall and, of course, the clothes that go along with it. I love the crisp mornings and the smell of dried leaves, fireworks and squash soups. Love it all. I have taken a break from taking courses – usually at this time I am gearing up for another HR course, but this term I just want to take a break, and not be running around like a madwoman come Christmas to get everything done, while studying for a final. Its fine…and I always get through it and there’s a great sense of accomplishment that goes along with finishing, but this year I just need a break. I have promised myself I will take a course in January so I’m not falling behind.

We are at Deerhurst this weekend – an Ontario resort in Huntsville. It’s really nice, very “Dirty Dancing”. I feel like we should have found out where the “real” party was last night…up the path, over the creek to the “staff” lodgings for a little bump n’ grind. It would have been better than what was going on here. We decided we would watch a movie after dinner. We have 2 double beds and a flat screen in the bedroom and then a regular TV with couch and chair and kitchenette in the other room. Its called a Jr. Suite. Anyway, we got into our own beds (I had requested a king bed but this will do!) to watch “Iron Man” and, of course, the menu wouldn’t work. We called front desk but they said all they could do was re-set it…other than that we’re out of luck. It didn’t work. So knowing the menu worked in the main room we gathered our pillows and blankies and tried to get comfortable in front of a crappy TV that seemed miles away. The people next door had their TV so loud we could barely hear ours. In fact, we couldn’t even figure out where it was coming from it was so loud! Knowing that the noise obviously carries, we felt we had to keep ours down to ensure we didn’t piss off our neighbours like these people were doing. Kids, must have been kids because it was so damn loud it was laughable. Then the people upstairs came home. In, out, in, out, slam, bang, door shut, screen slammed, stomp over to the TV, stomp back from the TV, jump off the bed, run to the door, open door, slam door, turn right back around, come in door, slam door, stomp to fridge… It was a bit of a circus. So with all of this going on, we could barely hear our movie, or see it for that matter. I couldn’t wait for it to be finished so we could just turn our TV off to be sure we weren’t irritating people. I don’t remember my head hitting the pillow. I feel grand this morning – fresh and ready for the day.

So adoption stuff…well the 4 extra books are finished and bound. Blug said we would need copies of the original to send to other agencies/licensees around Ontario. The guy at the printshop called and said they were out of the purple/blue covers, so would I like “light blue”…I said “like a baby blue?” He said yes. Well what do guys know about colour? Nothing, it is the most obnoxious turquoisey sky blue I’ve ever seen. So I went on a mission to “The Papery” to find more appealing covers. After many many minutes torturing myself over what would be best, I settled for a silver card stock…it has textured striping through it – I think it will look good without looking too contrived. Let’s hope anyway. I am quite pleased with The Book, I can only hope it will be the key to finding a really great birthmom.

"The Book"

Sounds like I’m talking about the Bible, but I’m not. I’m referring to our adoption portfolio…the book that will decide our fate…the book that will “sell” us to a prospective birth mother. God I hope it’s ok.

I spent hours upon hours putting The Book together, without really researching what was supposed to go in it. I mean, I had a general idea, but I really did wing it through and through. I like it. If I were a young mother I would connect with this book. I wrote as if I were speaking to her… I made each flip of The Book a new story. There was a quick introduction and a bunch of pictures of Chris and me, and then I went into stories. Short quick detailed stories of this and that…and each page had a theme. “Lisa talks about Chris” and then a story, and a bunch of pictures. “Chris’s favourite memory” where he would describe his adventures at Sanibel Island… The Book is full of pictures...pictures of us, family, holidays, pets, our house, friends. Its visually loaded and I think this will be key. People like to see what they're getting into - and hopefully I provided a really good "glimpse" into our lives.

We definitely lacked in talking about adoption itself and how we are open to the new way in which adoption is going, so I had to make some adjustments - talk more about openness. The fact of the matter is that open adoption is the way adoption is going…so you’d better get on the bus or you’ll be left behind. No one is interested in closed adoption now - it’s considered old fashioned and closed minded. The days of no contact and not knowing who your birthmother was are over. Today it’s all about BBQ’s and picnics and one happy blended family and if you don’t like it – then you’re meant for international adoption where the chances of having future contact are slim to none. We hope to achieve something in between. I have no issues with sending pictures and updates on milestones and achievements – and anyone who knows me knows I’ll totally embrace that AND enjoy it…and hey – it might even turn into something I never thought I could do …but this is not a “shared parenting” arrangement…well enough said on that subject…its difficult to continue without sounding cold or matter-of-fact… Ok I’m gonna try: I like the openness of it all, but within reason, I guess is what I’m getting at. I don’t want moving to another city to be an issue because birth mom won’t be able to make the BBQ, kwim?

But anyway, The Book is done and as I type this being printed in glossy paper with royal blue covers times 4. The 4 “copies” will then be sent to different Lincensees within Ontario. This gets our name out there a little more. There’s a charge to register, of course, but it is very reasonable – approx $300 each agency. That is very doable.

I can’t say that I’m not getting more and more excited about it all. Imagine! We get to bring home a baby!! AND, as many friends have so kindly pointed out, keep my girlish figure.

Stay tuned!

3 Months Later

Well...we are definitely on the home stretch of the adoption homestudy. Chris and I have answered all the questions, passed our police checks, created our birthmother profile, and are probably in for one more sesssion with The Blug to approve the "report". This is the report (I think)that Blugerman will send to the powers that be SHOULD a child be placed in our home. I don't think with Blugerman's stamp of approval and no red flags we would be denied at that point - its just a formality. On approval we would then be able to officially adopt through the courts.

Well that's what I think anyway... I don't really know for sure - just go-in' with the flow at this point!

Am I excited to be at this point? Yes and no. I think we are about to face some really difficult decisions. I can't deny that Chris and I would, of course, given the choice take a healthy baby over a baby that would potentially have developmental issues, whether physical or mental. I think GIVEN A CHOICE, most first time parents would want this for themselves, no?

Well we do...but we'll see.

So I just got back from Kelowna. I was there for 8 days and extended it another 2. It was really nice. I think Chris and I would do well there... there is just so much open space and hardly any traffic. I think Chris needs to get out of this busy city as much as I do. I was excited to see Chris but became more depressed about being home when I stepped into a house that reeked of smoke and was dirty. I can't deny I like a spiffy house and Chris had really not done much in the way of maintenance. Our neighbor smokes like a chimney and since there was no cleaning going on on our side, the smell of smoke had settled into the house. It was cluttered, messy, dirty. Talk about depressing. All day Friday I couldn't wait to get home to start cleaning. I wasn't really INTO cleaning, but knew I would feel so much better with a clean house - more clear in the mind if you know what I mean. I started at 4 and didn't stop until about 9:30 - and I felt SO MUCH BETTER. I like the house again.

Gonna try to keep this up now...but its difficult as the adoption process has such large gaps between visits and we sit in limbo...but will try to keep it up.

Thanks for listening!!

OMG how rude am I? I just leave you all hangin?? Without a word?? My apologies…I thought about writing every day but I just wasn’t into it…you know? Or “ready” or what have you – just un-inspired, perhaps bummed out…not ready to get to that next step…

But here we are.

Adoption. Well we’ve had one “consult” appt, and one “home study” appt. The home study, we found out today, will take under 3 months which surprises me actually because some Canadian “informational” sites say 3-6 months (but count on more like 6 months) or 3-12 months. So to hear Blugerman say that it will definitely wrap up in 3 months was encouraging.

The “consult”, I believe, was to ensure Blugerman wouldn’t be wasting his time. It was strictly a meet and greet, and from there we determined that the adoption process was what we wanted to pursue, regardless of the fact that it was not, by any stretch of the imagination, an easy road. Quite the opposite.

Blugerman, a nice guy by all means, was not a warm and squishy guy…he was very matter of fact and I’m certain after the initial consult I had a mini-breakdown. Now I am not the breakdown type, because I’m freakin’ strong willed (I’m realizing) but that day I cried for probably, oh, 7 hours…min. I think all of the IF feelings I’ve ever had over the past 3 years came flooding in...with a vengeance. I bawled…I screamed…I was NOT happy. But I think that’s when it came out. I think you have to manage your feelings and not analyze them too much…I am going to have shitty days – I am dealing with something very profound and I am not going to apologize anymore for it. I am hurt.

So moving on…we had our first home study session today and it was fine. We had all of our initial paperwork filled out and signed, and he gave us more info/questionnaires/RCMP police check stuff to do/fill out. So we have much more to do…but it seems manageable right now. I am feeling like we are making headway on this project and maybe, just maybe, when we are finished in 3 months, we will be given an opportunity we never thought possible…just maybe!

I asked Blugerman what next week’s session would be about – just curious type thing and he said “ooooh, there’s lots to ask you – about your family, your childhood, etc." I was hoping that he would get that over and done with in that first session, since we completed those questionnaires, but apparently not. I hate that sort of thing, I’m not sure why but I guess I don’t want to screw up and give off the impression I wasn’t a totally and completely happy kid. I think they say things like “explain a time when you and your father bonded.” Well there were a billion times…and they flood my head when I think about it… I asked someone else this question tonight and she said “I cannot think of a single time.” Its hard to remember that far back. That would be 30 years now! He was a damn good dad…she was a damn good mom. Not perfect by any stretch but as good as you can bloody get! Maybe I am more frustrated with the question…like if I got pregnant naturally, maybe you could just take your questions and shove them right up your arse!!! (No offense Blugerman, I’m sure you understand).

Home Study session 2 next Wed and we are one step closer. I hope that our luck turns soon…I really do. We deserve it.

I’ll try to keep up from now on – thanks for your patience (Lisa!!!)

Xoxoxo

It's Official! I'm a Nutbar!

Excuse my inner ramblings, but does anyone know that commercial - the Pedigree Dog Food commercial with "Max"? He was the cute little dog in the pound who didn't have an owner, put his little nose between the barbed wire fence and the narrator says "My name is Max...and I'm a good dog." Well they have Part 2 where Max is adopted - and it shows him being taken out of the pound by a little girl, with her mother behind her with some dog stuff...and then they say "this is Max now!" and you see him jumping on the bed, and in the car with his (dog) buddy and frolicking in the laundry hamper - the music's all happy and fun. I CANNOT CONTROL THE TEARS WHEN I SEE THIS COMMERCIAL. Someone please campaign to get it taken off the air before I have a breakdown. I can't take it. I'm just so damn happy for Max. Why is it happy things are what get me the most. Like when Kerri Strug won the American team the Gold Medal when she aced the vault with a broken ankle...that kind of stuff makes me BURST into tears. I know...pretty nutty stuff. I think that's why I'm so well matched with Chris. Where any other guy might say "you're a nutbar!" He says "I KNOW! Its VERY emotional stuff! Let it out!!" (and then he kinda laughs at me)

He's good stuff that Cmac.

Sprrrrring has Sprrrrrrung!

So…I’ve been taking a bit of a break…if you haven’t already noticed…just to clear the headspace. I also got quite sick with the flu and have spent the last 3 days moaning on the couch. I am on the mend though.

Spring is here in a big bad way – 18 degrees today! Toronto is like a new place…not like the City of Hell it has seemed like for the past 6 months…one can actually go outside and enjoy a bit of sunshine…imagine. Torontonians are like no other species when it comes to spring and the events that follow… People are friendlier – flip flops are worn – patios prematurely set up. There is drinking and laughter…sunscreen, etc. If anyone has earned the right to be over the top on the first sight of spring…it’s us.

Its good timing actually. If this 4th failed IVF had happened, say, November, I think I wouldn’t have felt so…level headed about things.

Speaking of level headed…and I am very level headed (most of the time)…I have been doing a lot of soul searching…what is it recently that makes this process tolerable? I recall a time when I would be completely and utterly gutted to get this latest news, and an “announcement” would put me over the edge…so why now do I feel so ok with things? And then it dawned on me. Sweep #2 is going to happen once the girls are all back at work… I have been living in a constant state of “out of sight out of mind”. All of the girls are out of sight and to be honest its kindof saved me a little. I am now, for the most part, surrounded by men and older women…and there are NO surprises. When the girls get back and start announcing #2 my world will likely be turned upside down again…

But for now I’m ok.

I was thinking about how some women, in my situation, would have lost it by now - completely gone over the edge. I can think of one, in particular, who would NEVER have made it to this stage without needing a straight jacket - and she was much much younger than me and ended up getting pregnant fairly easily! She would have been the one you’d see on the 6 o’clock news on a hospital surveillance video…”this woman, last seen at Toronto General, took the baby at approximately 10:00pm…she was dressed in pink hospital scrubs and is believed to be ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT CRAZY.” Ok…so a little harsh, but I’m just sayin’ – some women go completely nutty when they can’t conceive. And being that we are not living in poverty, we have options…I can’t imagine what its like for women who can’t afford even IUI on a monthly basis. Or a sperm wash or whatever. DAMN CANADA NEEDS TO GET A FRIGGIN GRIP ON FERTILITY ISSUES. Did you know that France pays for FOUR IVF’s!! FOUR. I’d be a lot richer right now if I lived there.

So…the plan is this. Take a little breather…enjoy life as it should be enjoyed…day to day, not consumed by anything…and in about (or exactly lol) 3 weeks time, call the adoption facilitator for a consult.

Just want to say thank you so much to everyone who posted such lovely comments on the blog. It was really helpful to get so much love and support after such a let down…it made me stay strong knowing that I was supported by so many people, and that in some cases, maybe I’ve helped a little by telling the story. So thanks for reading, thanks for supporting and thanks for leaving comments – it means more than you know.

READ THIS PLEASE!

Don't EVER click on a link in the "comments" section of the Blog. You should never have to go to another page to see a comment. These are advertising scams...

Thank you,

The Management

12 Days Post Transfer

What.


So today’s stick showed no promise of pregnancy. Not a stitch although I did eventually get that tiny faint little strip – but even more faint than the first...so I think I’m out gals. I’m pretty sure it’s a design flaw with that kind of stick. I’m sure tomorrow I will waste yet another $15 by using the First Response...might as well – I mean who cares at this point! Its actually fun playing around with the Jiffy Pen.
Beta is Monday so it’s not quite over – not until the fat lady sings. Don’t get your hopes up...something for sure would have shown up today if I were preggers...I think, unfortunately, this didn’t work out. Although what a wonderful story it would have made.
Fear not...I am currently researching adoption...so if this blog interests you it will not stop until someone puts a screaming baby in my arms...
Thanks for hanging out...watching, listening, and your prayers and support...means EVERYTHING to me...specially those Peaches...they have been a lifesaver.
Lots of Love,
Me.

10 Days Post 3 Day Transfer

So woke up at 6:20 – like clockwork to pee and thought...hmmmm...today I should have enough HcG in my urine to detect on a home pregnancy test...right? I mean, I could put myself out of my misery with all this wait and wonder. I could test today and it would be a pretty good predictor of the final result...right? Wrong. I am more confused than ever.
Pee’d on the damn stick to find a complete and utter negative line...devastation ensued. Tears, sobbing, calling into work...can’t come in...can’t speak... Time elapsed and then Chris and I decided we’d go back to bed for a bit – chill out...well it was about 20 minutes later and I grabbed the stick for another glimpse at my childless future...what’s this now? I see something...I kinda sorta see something. But are my eyes playing tricks on me? I have to squint...tilt the stick...go towards the light, etc. But its there...I think. Could it just be too early to detect anything? Or could the test be bum. I know you are not supposed to rely on the results after the instructed time frame (which is 10 minutes) but there’s an effing line!! But don't get your hopes up...it didn't come up right away.
The Peaches. The Peaches make me cry. I just finished reading a couple of posts after apologizing for being such a drama queen and hogging the forum...they made me cry. They are so caring and so awesome...I never thought belonging to this on-line community would mean so much to me. They are EVERYTHING to me. I love them all. Since posting this morning – and showing evidence of the stick in question, they have digitally enhanced the picture for me to show the blue line, they have INVERTED the colors kinda like infrared FBI shit to show that the line, in fact, does exist. They have all cheered over this stick, but too are cautiously optimistic...we all agree. A follow test must be done.
Stupidly, I sped-walked to the Shoppers Drug Mart for more Stix. Came home and immediately pee’d in a cup...Chris's favorite cup for good luck - JUUUUUST KIDDING - held the stick there for 5 and then waited. Nothing but one pink line. I could not even tell you where the 2nd line would appear...a definite negative. No doubt about it...waited 20 minutes...still very negative.
It might be because it wasn’t first morning urine...although it was looking like a good sample – I didn’t drink too much after the first pee... I dunno – it’s all very...uncertain.
I asked Chris – what is your GUT telling you? He said he was optimistic...but cautiously. We laughed because I said “no – give me your TRUE gut feeling” – which clearly he didn’t want to do because his responses then became:
“I’m not sure...it could go either way.”
“I’d say its 50/50 at this point.”
“It’s going to go one way...or the other.”
At least he makes me laugh.

So we wait...we skip tomorrow because LISA NEEDS TO GET HER ASS TO WORK BEFORE SHE GETS THE BOOT, and test on Saturday. If indeed that was a faint positive, it will show up stronger on Saturday. Beta (blood test) is on Monday...it is not unheard of to get a false negative on a home pregnancy test and a positive beta...but rare. There’s still hope...don’t give up hope.