I'm having one of those nights...

I finish work, I walk to the gym, I work out, I head home, I make dinner. I'm in automatic pilot.

Until it hits me.

I'm going to be a mom.

I don't know what it's like for women who decide to have a family and become pregnant easily. I think although it would be wonderful to them, and exciting to them, it might be slightly less dramatic and a little bit more, "great - things are going according to plan."

For me it was months of negatives, years of horrible fertility treatments, a "blip" with adoption, and the sinking feeling being a mom was not in the cards. And I've felt that way for years...especially as I watched every single person I've ever known run circles around me. You know those commercials where you see the person in the middle, almost as if in slow motion, while the world spins frantically around them? That was me for 5 years. And sure 5 years may not seem so long when you're 30, but we weren't - we were 36-41...and options were closing in.

It's the strangest thing. Someone might say, "you NEVER gave up!" but I did... Sure I went through the motions, but I honestly never thought a pregnancy would occur and that we'd be taking a baby home. My mind just wouldn't go there anymore...it seemed impossible. Our efforts were waning.

Yet here we are. And I find it absolutely surreal. Does everyone else feel that way? Or is it just me? I can't believe family is becoming my reality...even as I type this, they grow exponentially...into our little babies...our family. What will they be like? What sexes will they be? What color will their hair be, their eyes? Will they look alike, will their personalities be opposite?

I never thought this would happen for us...and it is...it's really happening! And it's happening in a doubly wonderful way.

I can't wait to meet our brand new family.

Donor Egg Experiences

When you finally muster the strength to go the donor egg route, you expect, or at the very least, HOPE that your young and fruitful donor will provide you with an army of strong mature eggs. I'm learning more and more that this is not always the case, in fact, I hear more horror stories than success stories.

Is it that in the US they have legalized egg donation and that more and more agencies are cashing in? Do they do their due diligence with respect to testing and monitoring of the donors? Do IP's put all their hopes and dreams into one single cycle, and WHY do we do that? We all know that any woman regardless of age can have an "off" cycle. I hear more and more the price of "good "donors rising, in some cases to the sum of $20,000 - all for one batch of good eggs...you hope. I think we're all in agreement that this is simply extortion. And unfortunately there's no guarantees. But more and more I hear about how the cycle was a "bust". That they retrieved 15 eggs, but only 8 of them were mature, and only 1 of them survived. For the amount of emotional energy, money and hope that goes into a donor cycle, that is a devastating loss. And the more I read about these nightmare stories, the more I appreciate our experience.

To my lovely donor S, we love you, and think of you often. You have given us so very much, and for that we will be forever grateful. Here is to you my dear, and your open heart. May the generosity you have shown your fellow Canadians ;-) come back to you in unbelievable ways. And times 100.

I love shopping...

But I am definitely out of my element here. As our babies continue to grow in the lovely Nickole's belly, I find myself sneaking onto the internet to see what's out there in the world of baby. Note to self - start something, ANYTHING, baby and make an absolute fortune.

Here is what I've discovered so far. Necessities range from regular expensive to holy crap expensive, and there's not a whole lot in between. And I probably don't need to mention that I'm drawn to the most expensive because that's just how I roll. The first stroller I liked was $595... I thought that was the most expensive one, or at least it must be close to the most expensive one right? No, it's fairly standard actually...middle of the road. I'm wondering if I can get a "stroller loan", similar to how one gets a car loan. And one crib I clicked on that looked very decent and not really that unlike the other three hundred I viewed was $5,500. That's when I started to sweat. Thankfully I have seen much more reasonable cribs...because for a second there I thought they all cost that much. I thought well if that's the case they can share a crib until they are 13. Infant car seats that apparently click in and out of everything - that will run you another $400... oh and don't forget to double everything!

We can easily drop a few grand in the next little while. You think I'm complaining don't you? I'm not, I'm excited! These are not purchases I need to justify, like a 3rd pair of strappy wedges (which I really do need by the way)...these are mandatory things my babies need.

And what baby wants, baby gets.

Here is a picture of a room I fell in love with - we're trying to create a cute gender neutral space for our babies, because their sexes will be a surprise for everyone...us included. I just love the look and I think we can pull it together nicely.

Tales from the "Been There Done That"...er 40 years ago

Here's my favorite American Dad telling on his 4 year old grandson...What a hilarious account...I couldn't help but share.

"Daughter in law left for Chicago this am on business, but left instructions on how to handle the kids (can't be done). I was given the keys to an Infinity, but it has 100,000 miles on it, and as many buttons. The little boy tells me he goes to McDonald's all the time...so to kill time I take him. Have no idea where it is, but he tells me. Have no idea how to order anything at McD's except a senior coffee. He gets that order which costs $8 but has some kind of a toy in it, which i have no idea how to assemble. Decide to take him to the library and tell him it's ok to run and shout inside there. He tells me he's going to tell his mother on me. Home we head - have no idea where I am, but am too embarrassed to ask the 4 year old for directions. Finally find our way home and I tell him it's nap time. He says he "doesn't take 'cause he's a big boy". I check my watch and it's only noon and not 5PM."

Amac and Bmac...of course...

We thought long and hard about what we would call our little pumpkins while they are chilling out in Nickole's "Spa d'Uterus"...and came up with Thing One and Thing Two, which is fun and works because we won't know the sex...I'LL REPEAT THAT WE WILL NOT BE FINDING OUT THE SEXES!...but a friend of mine called today and she referred to Baby A and Baby B (which is what the clinics refer to them as) as Amac and Bmac. Well of COURSE they are Amac and Bmac! I am Lmac, and the man who started it all is Cmac.

So...Amac and Bmac are doing great! Amac is measuring 8 weeks and 5 days, with a heartbeat of 168 and Bmac is measuring 8 weeks and 4 days, with a heartbeat of 158. All is well and we could not be happier!!!

Thank you to Salla and Nickole for your generous hearts, and making our dreams of a family a reality.
xoxo

I think I Need to Go on Birth Control

Oh you laugh, but you weren't me, walking briskly towards home with a pregnancy test in fist (cheapest one I could find because really...who are we kidding?) I find it (only slightly) amusing that for the first time in my life I LITERALLY was praying that it wouldn't be positive...because you hear the stories all the time don't you? Stories of incredible odds after years of struggle...like, "Oh, my friend? She was done with fertility treatments, and decided to just live her life, and then BOOM, she got pregnant JUST LIKE THAT." Or my favorite, "our friends adopted a baby, and then 2 months later found out they were pregnant!" These stories are fascinating to the fertile, and ANNOYING to the infertile...especially when you know that's never going to be you. And what's even stranger, is that everyone knows someone like that!!! lol - You'd think being immersed in a world of women who blog about infertility on a DAILY BASIS, I'd know one!

In any event, I had to rule out a pregnancy because I like wine.

I don't think I need to announce the results.

And I don't think I need to say that I'm very much enjoying this chardonnay.

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 2

Hello everyone in blogging land,

Just a quick update form the nesting place… On Tuesday March 8th we found out that Lisa and Chris are going to be the parents of 2 wee ones ..all cozy side by side for the long haul in their little jelly bean looking water beds.

THE NEST IS NOW FULL

OMG I was so happy it was ONLY two….. I mean wow one would be easy come on I have done that one three times before, but hopefully having 2 in there will be about the same. Uncomplicated!

I guess this time labor and delivery will be the different factor. This is where having twins terrifies me…. C-section :-( ...weeks after delivery of living on the main floor of my home so as not to pop stitches.

How will I care for my family? More importantly …how will I rule the roust if I can’t even climb to the top??? Hummmm sounds like problem solving time.

When it’s all said and done it will all be well worth it to have helped Lisa and Chris complete their family.

I could not be happier that the universe put Lisa and Chris and myself on colliding paths they are the perfect people to take a journey with. They are by far the perfect example of the statement, "if at first you don’t succeed TRY, TRY again", and I love that.

As of right now I am feeling about the same as normal hungry enough to eat an entire breakfast buffet in the morning and too full to move in the evening …… lol not sure that will ever change.

I feel like I am expanding at an alarming rate however to look at me you would not say so…..my pants would say different ….. thank goodness pants can’t talk!

Thanks for reading!

Thing One and Thing Two...

OMG twins! We found out yesterday that Nickole is carrying two of our little bubs...all cozy up and comfy in her perfect little space. Seeing the heartbeat flicker on the monitor made me so excited I could have thrown up. That's the best way to describe it...and no, it's not very romantic or mother-like, but I'm just tellin' it like it is. It was the excitement and shock running through my body. It was like butterflies that felt like boulders...combined with a rush of excitement and the end of 6 years of disappointment. I can't deny I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop... But no this is going to work! The babies are growing right on target, and at exactly the same rate, with good strong heartbeats. I'm a very proud mummy right now.

Chris and I just watched a segment on the news about baby monitors and it's as if the report was made for us. I said, "omg, how are we going to DO this?" (joking of course) and his quick reply was, "I DON'T KNOW - WE'RE SCREWED!" lolol - he was joking too of course and said, "we're going to be awesome, we're 40!" lol - okaaay... Pros and cons I suppose.

Who would have thunk it? Me and Chris with 2 babies just like that. Enter Nickole, our little baby savior. Just so easy like, "meh, I get knocked up real quick y'all." Ok that's Britney Spears talking, not Nickole, but she's just as fertile. Our luck may suck when it comes to my body, but I sure did knock it out of the park when it came to the wonderful people we recruited to help make this happen. Yay team.

We have another ultrasound with Dr. A's clinic in 2 weeks and then we will be released to a high risk doctor at Credit Valley Hospital. This brings me great comfort, knowing that a high risk doctor will know exactly how to keep not only our babies safe, but Nickole, and will most likely be familiar with IVF and PERHAPS (if we're lucky) surrogacy. I hope that we have a doctor who can be a little more kind and empathetic than the doctors we've dealt with lately. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and had Dr. A. even mumbled, quietly, under his breath, the word "congratulations", I would have sung his praises. But he chose not to look me in the eye, be in one of his "moods" and talk to Nickole like I didn't exist. Oh, and this has nothing to do with Nickole...I love her for what she's doing for us, and that's the end of the story. But why is Dr. A such a Douche-bag? Why can't he just say, "congratulations...I know it's been a long and sometimes painful journey for you and Christopher." For god's sake - we have a surrogate and donor eggs - this doesn't warrant a little clinic celebration? To what lengths do people have to go to get a little "congrats" from him?

Like I said, I would love to be grateful for everything he's done for us, but at the same time, this success probably has little to do with this particular clinic, and everything to do with our lovely young donor, and wonderfully fertile surrogate...and we'll give a shout out to the endocrinologist, who did a bang-up job.

Oh wow...where did I go? This is supposed to be my shiny happy post...so I'm going to stay here, in the moment, and enjoy every little bit of it. I just had to get that off my chest...and I know it's early to be talking smack, and I hope I don't jinx it all, but I just thought it was important to stay honest, and speak my mind. This is my blog after all.

Nickole & Jon...well what can I say? They're the bomb. We could not have picked easier people to do this with - just so easy, and as I've said this a million times to describe Nickole, CHILL! She's like super chill and what could be better for my bubs, than to be in super chill tummy. Imagine Thing One and Thing Two in my boulder size butterfly tummy? See where I'm going with this? Not good... but we'll be good and ready to catch those babies, and we'll make the best parents EVER!

Can't wait...I just can't wait!

Oh, 40 weeks will be October 27th (sorry mum - a day off yours!!) but twins will likely be earlier than that. Hoping we can go as long as possible, but what will be will be.

Nickole has informed me that she's writing a blog report - so make sure to leave her some comments please!!! I know she'd love it.

I’ve been quiet recently, partly because I didn’t want to jinx anything, and partly because I am STUNNED! It’s a strange thing to have something finally work…it’s a strange high, and then you have to just get on with it. I think people were more excited than I was - or it might have appeared that way, but it was a protection thing. With everyone knowing at such an early stage, it was like, “Yes, I’m over the moon, but WAIT…’cause we’re not in the clear yet!!” I know it’s not a positive way to think, but remember where we’re coming from.

On Tuesday we accompany Nickole to the heartbeat ultra sound, and I think from that point, chances will be pretty good that we’re well on our way. I’m excited to know if it’s one or two! I know the chances of two are greater because of Nickole’s high numbers. I’d be beside myself with either option – I think Chris would prefer one…but he’s definitely up for the challenge of two…or let’s put it this way – he doesn’t have a choice!

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it a thing of beauty?!

Sorry it's taken me since Monday to post... Nickole called me early Monday morning after reading my "must wipe the counter tops again" post. She decided she would give it a shot, and low and behold, it came up good and strong and positive RIGHT AWAY! She's so cute - she texted me several times at 6:30 am, worried she would wake us up before the alarm. I wouldn't have cared if she called at 2am. She said she was up so early she didn't quite know what to do with herself...and then wrote, "call me, I have some questions."

I have to admit, I was hoping she had POAS, but I wasn't expecting it either because we had talked about when we would. We KNEW she could test on Monday, but it still might have been early...so I said it was up to her, but not to mention if she did, and she tested negative. She told me she just wouldn't POAS...problem solved.

But you see, Nickole has this uncanny ability to KNOW she's pregnant, and let's not forget that she's FERTILE AS ALL GET OUT, so she probably had a hunch, and went with it.

Anyway, I called her right away and she said "what are you doing right now?" I said I was "doing my eyebrows" lol - and she said, ok take the stick away from your eyes...because I have something to tell you." POSITIVE... OMG IT'S POSITIVE!!!! I screamed - like literally screamed...I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.. but then again, it's Nickole and she was like "shrug, I'm pregnant." Like easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Chris and I are OVER THE MOON!!!! And my emotions have taken me on an incredible journey. The emails, congratulations and support have been absolutely overwhelming, and I KNOW this is early days, but I decided a long time ago, to be an open book on this by having this blog, so no 12 week wait for us... how can I hold out on you now?

Ok sorry this is a real ramble of a post, but I just wanted you to know that we are absolutely overjoyed by this, and can't even believe it! We're going to be parents! And this unbelievable fact is something I thought might never happen.

We love our Nickole - she has been so incredible and supportive and excited...she feels like part of our family now...and forever will be.

More soon... but I just wanted to let you know the great news!

Please pray for Nickole and for us, that this pregnancy will thrive and our baby(ies) will grow and heartbeats will be seen, and fingers, toes, and everything else will come easily!

Love to you all!

This is Torture.

I guess I'll go wipe the kitchen counter tops again.

Yesterday Sucked

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally even though I didn't quite realize it until it was all but done. Just an off day, with a series of events that left me feeling pretty damn useless (like taking a huge mouthful of boiling water forgetting it wasn't cold and burning my entire mouth, to dropping just about everything I picked up). The girls at worked joked that I should just go home, wrap myself in bubble wrap, and call it a day. I guess as much as I tried to put all of this out of my mind to concentrate on work, it loomed somewhere behind the surface... Fortunately my work does not involve danger... just ugly carpet and padded cubicles.

Today is a brand new day though and I don't have to work! And I'm proud to announce that a tiny morsel of me thinks, this could really be happening! I feel terrible for posting negative thoughts, but such is life. I can't always be expected to be chippy and optimistic...

Just another day closer to the big test... Today I can't deny it, it's exciting.

The Game of Emotions

I've gotten so many great emails - you are all so excited and can't contain yourselves, and I am so grateful for the support.

I know this is such a great shot...I KNOW this, but you have to understand that I have had nothing but disappointment for 6 long years. And as much as I want to jump on the "OMG THIS IS IT!" bandwagon, I can't...because I just can't. I know the chances are good. I know that putting 25 year old embryos into a surrogate with a perfect uterus bumps our chances substantially, but falling on the "wrong side of the stats" for so many years has ruined my ability to be optimistic.

I hate to sound so down about it all. I hope that when Nickole reads this she understands...it has nothing to do with being grateful, for which I am incredibly...it's just that this infertility disappointment shit gets in the way. I'm officially broken down by it.

But I do know, outside of me and my mind, that our chances are good - BETTER than 50/50, but 50/50 is where I stay...kindof like roulette. It's either red or black, red or black.

Transfer Day!

Well today went really well. We arrived at the clinic on time, even though Dr. A was 45 minutes late. Poor Nickole had a full bladder and was becoming more and more uncomfortable...but she is such a trooper. She was told she could "go a little" if she needed to, but joked that after having 3 kids, if she let the floodgates go, there was no turning back. Eventually she had to just try, and Dr. A said not to worry about it too much. I know what it's like to "half pee" - its almost worse, but it does alleviate a little bit of pressure.

We finally got taken to the room, where Dr. A explained the embryo situation. The top and bottom embryos are good blasts, the bottom one being the stronger of the two. I am officially saying that bottom embie is a boy and top embie is a girl. The two in the middle (one on top of the other) Dr. A said were likely not going to make it, and the outer two he wanted to put in as well, for a total of 4! Nickole and I agreed that 3 was enough thank you very much, because we did not want our own reality show, so we said, no, let's stick with 3 and so Dr. A. told the embryologist to pick the stronger of the 2 (outer ones). Chris was happy we made this decision as well because we had discussed it at length...So 3 it is! Nickole was a trooper throughout the transfer, which I know can be a little uncomfortable, but she is never a complainer...I guess after delivering 3 kids, this is a walk in the park!

Very relieved and very thankful to be on this side of the transfer! It's been a long haul, and I so hope this will finally be the route we were meant to take!

Nickole is to start progesterone suppositories now (sorry Nickole) and on Thursday she goes for a progesterone check - to make sure she has enough to sustain the pregnancy...and then 9 days from now (next Thursday) she can take the blood test. I have left her in charge of testing...if she wants to test at home, she can, if she doesn't want to, and would rather wait for the bloodwork, that's fine too. I've told her if she DOES want to test at home, to only call me if it's positive lol! ...but I think she wants to wait... or at least that's what she's telling me for now...so I don't think "oh no, she's not calling because it's negative." Anyway, it is what it is at this point...it will either work or it won't - so no point wringing our hands for a week...although I know we all will!!

Tales from The Nesting Place - Chapter 1

Okay So I am not too familiar with posting blogs for everyone in the world to read but here it goes….

The Cole's notes version

Tomorrow I will embark on a journey of epic proportions (for some) that will hopefully change lives forever.

I LOVE BEING A MOM.it is by far my greatest accomplishment, Every day is fun an exciting you never know what’s going to happen, ONE BIG ADVENTURE!!!!!

They are just so darn CUTE..

All of my pregnancy’s were as enjoyable as being trapped with a giant beach ball attached to the front of you could be. But worth every min of itchy skin, back ache, leg pins and needles .etc……..(typical preggo stuff)

After my husband and I had our cutie pie M 4 years ago I told him that being a surrogate was something I would really like to do, I just thought I have such an easy time of it and I truly consider it a gift and gifts were meant to be shared.

We together decided to complete our own family before taking the idea of being a surrogate under consideration.

We decided to go ahead in October of 2010, so over the last few months I have had my insides view more time’s than ever before……. I did not even know that they had internal ultrasounds….. EAKKK NOT FUN but a necessary evil . AND blood work……omg. maybe the clinic is really a blood bank reserve for vampires…. (LOL just kidding)

I am so excited and frightened at the same time LIKE riding a roller coaster so excited to get aboard then wait in limbo as the cart moves along the track….. as you reach the peak (where it fun begins ) your heart, stomach and anything that felt the need to migrate north are now in your throat.

TOMORROW is my PEAK DAY!

I will apologize in advance that I am not nearly as entertaining in my writing as Lisa but I will try….from time to time.

Please Stay tuned form time to time for updates from…..

THE NESTING PLACE.

GREAT NEWS FROM THE PITRI DISH!

So...as it turns out, The Great Thaw of 2011 happened on Friday, not Thursday as we had thought. Got a call this morning from Marissa who happily gave us the news... here are the stats...

2 strains of embryos were thawed (3 embryos each)

2 of them are 8 cell, Grade 1 (you can't get any better than this)
3 of them are 8 cell, Grade 2 (still very very good)
1 of them is 7 cell, Grade 1 (excellent still!)

GO EMBIES GO!

Chris and I really can't contain our excitement and did a little happy dance in the kitchen after the call. Let's just say he's proud of his boys.

I just really hope this is the start of something wonderful.

Check back for more!!

No Fert Results...

No big surprise here.

The clinic said "after we defreeze the embryos, you will receive daily reports on how they are progressing." That would mean that after they took them out on Thursday, that FRIDAY I would receive the first report. It would have been an important milestone...to see if they survived the thaw and were thriving as they should be...but nope...no report yesterday. Like I said, no big surprise.

Hoping today will bring us some good news... and here's hoping I don't have to call them.

In other news, I have asked Nickole if she would be interested in writing a few words from her perspective. A friend of mine did this on her blog, and it was nice to read about the experience from the surrogate's point of view. So stay tuned for an update from Nickole. I think she is planning one for the transfer day. Can't wait to read it!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE HERE! OHMIGOSH

Nickole and I met yesterday at Union Station for her pre-transfer ultrasound and blood work. She decided to bring the kids in to the appointment, and as excited as I was to see them, I did have some butterflies knowing that I would be babysitting for the duration of Nickole's ultrasound. I pictured a really crowded waiting room full of bitter infertiles (they hate it when kids go to fertility clinics) and I pictured E in tears, screaming for his mommy, and M asking in a really loud voice, "WHY IS MOMMY HAVING YOU A BABY?" I can't lie, I was up at 3am running scenarios through my mind, like, "because my tummy is broken, but mummy's tummy works really good!" You know, it gets a little tricky sometimes... and kids just keep asking "why?" You know, "Why is it snowing?" "Because it's cold." "Why is it cold?" "Because it's winter time." "Why is it winter time?" "Because we have 4 seasons, and right now it's winter." "Why do we have seasons........" and so on and so on and so on. I am just glad that M was more interested in playing games, than being the first little person to ask questions.

I was super relieved when we ended up being the only people at the clinic. I shut the door to the waiting room and let them run around...in circles, with heavy boots on, until Dr. A came storming in and said "what's going on in here!?" M & E shrieked with delight, thinking Dr. A was having fun with them... but I think he was misunderstood... lol. Loves it. Just try and yell at me in front of them!

So let's get down to the nitty gritty. Nickole's ultrasound and blood work came back VERY good. Her lining is 13mm and it has the triple stripe pattern. What's that you ask? Who the hell knows, I just know you want it! She's also set to surge tomorrow which means tomorrow they will un-freeze 5 or 6 of our frozen embryos to grow them out to 5-day blastocysts. This is officially when the roller coaster of emotions kicks in, wondering from day to day if our babies will survive the thaw. Thankfully I am not all crazy and hopped up on Gonal-(bar)F like I have been in the past...although I am expecting my period any day now, so I shouldn't make promises I can't keep. I will be eating my way through this weekend.

Emotional update: Feeling cautiously optimistic.

Transfer Date - February 7, 2011

Day 3 with Nickole went very well. Picked her up at the Spadina subway and we walked to the clinic together... She had the usual blood drawn, and a vaginal ultrasound to see how things are looking, and apparently things are looking good. In the meantime, I had a chat with the doc. He said that a day 3 embryo transfer normally happens on Day 18 of a cycle, but because we are doing a Day 5 blastocyst transfer, it would occur on Day 20 (2 days later). That brings us to February 7th. Nickole did some blog digging to see what I was doing last year around this time, and discovered that the egg retrieval with Salla happened on February 7th. She wondered if this was a good sign... funny how it will be a year to almost the exact day... I'm glad that my transfer date last year doesn't land on the same date this year... just 'cause...well we know how that played out! I am not one for superstition or levels of luck anymore, I have to throw all of that out the window because luck does not appear to be on my side, and if I rely on it, it will give it more power. But for now I remain hopeful that with my body out of the picture, things will just happen as they should...and we'll finally get our pregnancy.

Don't get your knickers in a twist...

I realize now that the last post was perhaps a touch misleading. It dawned on me when droves of congratulatory emails started flooding in…ok really there was only one, but I should clarify…

No one is pregnant. I repeat. No one is pregnant...yet. I was just having innocent fun with a pregnancy calculator. Since we knew what Nickole’s potential "first day of last period" was (because God willing it might just be) I plugged it in to calculate a potential due date. See? Innocent fun, and kinda dumb. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

This is what being overly eager gets you...a world of confusion.

BUT please stand by because a transfer is looming. We probably won't know if we can pop the champagne (I can do that see - the upside of surrogacy) until a week or so into Feb...so keep your fingers and toes crossed for us please!!