Think Outside the Baby Box

10 Weeks

2011-12-16T08:37:00.002-05:00

Once again I'm late with my homework, but I'm sure you will forgive me. Elliot and Alex are so completely gorgeous and doing wonderfully at 10 weeks today! We survived! I remember people saying, "just get to 6 weeks"...but wait...we are well passed that and life is still as busy! I will admit there is a lot more sleep for me at night. I never did "nap when the babies nap!" despite all the advice to do so, but they are lasting through the night longer and longer all the time. Last night was a success...Ellie (my great little sleeper) settled by 10, Alex by 11...slept though to 3am, then quick feed and down again until 6, then down again until 8:30. Maybe this isn't great compared to some other experiences, but it's manageable for me right now and with twins seems like a small victory. It used to be 9, midnight, 3, 6, etc. and the feeding times were loooong...so we are definitely making progress. I am trying to get them to sail through the 3 hour mark during the day because I think it is nothing more than an internal clock at this point and nothing to do with being starving!!!... as their screams would suggest.

I look at them and try to see what they may look like later on...as 1 year olds with chubby arms and legs, big round bellies. What color will their eyes settle on, and will their hair be curly or straight, dark or fair... it's so exciting to watch them grow before your very eyes, fatten up, start to smile. Yesterday Ellie smiled long and hard, and it was the best thing I've ever seen. She's so delightful, and Alex just melts my heart every time I look at his perfect little face....when he doesn't scratch it to bleed that is. The little pooper gets so upset when his needs are not immediately met, and the hands go up to the face. He's been wearing socks on his hands for as long as I can remember because his nails are like little knives. Yes we bite them, file them, clip them, but it's one of those things you dread right? So it gets avoided more than it gets done. My bad.

Well, Alex is currently getting fussy on his activity mat, and Ellie (I can see on the monitor) is stirring upstairs in her crib, so duty calls! Here is a shot of a photoshoot I did of the twins for Xmas...although they are much older now (lol) - time flies when you grow in "weeks"!

Diary of a New Mother...at 4am (aka The Witching Hour)

2011-10-24T09:42:00.003-04:00

It's 4:20 am and my husband has not yet come up to the bedroom to tap me it's my turn. I better get up anyway and see what's happening at baby headquarters. I'm surprised to hear nothing as I sneak down to the basement. Husband's eyes are half open watching some terrible action movie, while two babies sleep soundly. He mumbles something about them just being fed. I feel a tiny surge of excitement that all may be calm as I shoo husband upstairs and quickly get settled on the couch, ready to put my head down and continue sleeping. Could this really be happening? Could I be so lucky?

It's now 4:25 and #2 stirs. I open one eye, but I don't move, I don't breath. I say a little "god please" prayer in my head as I lay in wait. I hear "eh. eh. eh." I continue to be still...not making a sound. The struggle continues, but there is nothing too alarming...nothing that warrants lifting my head off the pillow. I close my eye and feel myself falling softly into a deep sleep.

It's 4:26. The house must be on fire because there is an alarming scream coming from the basinet. I bolt off the couch which makes my head hurt. I approach the basinet and first try Binky, but this just makes #2 madder. In an effort to make amends, I pick him up. Silence. Hm... Annoying. We rock for a few minutes, his eyes fighting to stay open, but he is weak. He is 2 weeks old. I win, smile, and carefully and fluidly place him back in the bassinet. I quickly walk away with a smirk on my face - pat on back for being Mother of the Year. I quickly situate myself on the couch, ready for a few more hours of much needed sleep.

It's now 4:32. It's not like there's anything but liquid poo in there...what on EARTH is he trying to squeeze out with such vigor? A watermelon? I wait patiently for the fruit to pass, but the pushing and squeezing and grunting is getting louder and his frustration growing. One quick screech I'm sure dogs throughout the neighborhood hear, and I get up. I pick up, sooth and bounce again. Silence. Again, annoying. Mummy needs her sleep too. Why does the pushing, squeezing and grunting become silenced when I am there? We have a cuddle on the couch, a sure thing to calm him down, but not this time and the grunting turns into full on crying. We're now up again...walking and pacing, soothing and stroking. Calm... Calm... zzzzzz He's out. Wait...don't push your luck. Keep walking for a few more minutes. Still calm. Attempt to put down in one inch/sec increments. Success! Race back to couch, jump in and throw blanket over body in one quick motion.

It's 4:45 and the grunting begins. Maybe he hates being swaddled!?? Maybe grunting isn't about pushing a watermelon, but about freeing arms. Yes! That must be it! Jump up and help free arms from swaddle... aaaah, bingo! Silence... calm.

It's 4:46 and apparently freeing limbs is not the issue. I get up much more slowly, feeling more and more resigned, grunting as I stand. I approach #2. Sigh. Pick him up and sooth... hear a big fart and realize that nappy might be wet. I do a diaper change and as suspected it's squash soup down there. Figure this has to be the reason for such fussiness...I mean who wants to sit in their own sh*t? Feel patience and mother earth-ness slipping away...shake it off and return to soft calming mummy. I fly upstairs to get his new sleep sack. It's time to try it because swaddling might be frustrating. He's dry, he's comfy cozy...I try a change of venue and place him into his bouncy chair which is the equivalent of a huge fuzzy papasan. THAT goes down like a lead balloon. Up we get. We go upstairs together where I prepare a bottle from frozen with one hand. It's warm, it's nutritious, it's delicious, but he's not interested. He screams. Again, we pace...back and forth...back and forth. All is once again calm.

It's now 5:15 and he's dead asleep in my arms. I cannot feel my hands, and my neck muscles are completely fried. I hear a quick high pitched squeak from basinet #1 and I whisper snap, "don't you even THINK about it!" She goes back to sleep. I am grateful. I turn my attention back to #2 and ever so carefully lie him down in his basinet. The transfer appears to be a success. I veeeery sloooooowly tip toooooooe awaaaaay...throw myself back onto the couch, curl up and pray.

It's now 6am and after repeating steps 1 through 6, I decide to give in and just get up. I prop #2 up in the boppy pillow, turn on the TV, brew a pot of coffee, I have some cereal.

I come downstairs and what do I find? This.

And as long as it's taken me to write this post...he hasn't stirred an inch.

The Breast Milk Debate

2011-10-19T08:30:00.003-04:00

NO! I'm not inviting one...merely giving my opinion on a topic that came to light the other day. Nickole, like any of us who seek info/support/advice for whatever we happen to be going through at the time, joined an online forum for surrogates -- and as one does, became quite good friends with some of them as they went through the surrogacy journey together. Well she got into a "message fight". She mentioned she was pumping for the twins and someone asked her how much she was charging for it and went on to say that SHE charges $1.25 per ounce. WOWZA. That is ALOTTA money...and I am no stranger to forking out ALLOTTA money, but that seems a pretty steep premium. And from a IP perspective it feels a little more ouch because WE would LOOOVE to be breast feeding our babies...for the amazing health benefits, but also for the bonding experience. And I guess what it comes down to for ME, is that despite those great benefits, we could not afford to pay that kind of premium for breast milk. With the amount that Nickole is pumping for us, at that rate, it would cost us $40/day. Formula costs $4/day, and that's the convenient (read more expensive) stuff. I know breast milk is the best, no question, but formulas are amazing these days. Bottom line it would most definitely force us to have to choose formula over breast milk and I guess it just feels a little like, "if you want it, you're gonna have to pay for it." Or, ok charge a little less for god's sake!! It's extortionate! $1,200 a month, in our case.

I don't know - maybe my perspective is completely off the norm...after all everyone in the world seemed shocked that we had not had a single problem, and I think it came down to the fact that we respected each other and became friends. We did not nickel and dime Nickole and she was never greedy. She accepted everything graciously, but no matter what we did for her, her gift to us was worth much much more. We had a running joke where she would say, "thanks for lunch!" and I would follow that with, "thanks for having our babies!" lol

Back to Nickole and the forum. The fight ensued and someone said she was "stupid" for not charging. I can just see them (as with all forums) sitting behind their keyboards having fun attempting to bring her down a notch. They probably don't like her because our arrangement was rosy. I think I know a few things about Nickole now... most of them fall in the above and beyond the call of duty category, but one other thing I know about Nickole is that you WILL NOT take advantage of her. I dare you to try it and you just see what happens.

The "woman" said she charged $1.25 per oz. and Nickole argued that if it were not for the baby she had given birth to she would not even have it so charging any amount was stupid and ..."wow the pumping for 15 minutes every 4 hours must kill you." The surrogates then ganged up on her and said she was stupid for not charging and so she told them all what she thought of them and left the board.

I feel badly that she was attacked on the boards - we've all been there and it's definitely no fun - especially when people suggest we are being taken for a ride... Regardless of anyone's opinion, or their arrangement, or what's in contracts, or what the "going thing" is, Nickole OFFERED to pump for the twins she cared for for 9 months. She knows the benefits of breast milk and wants our babies to take hers. Yes, she's a saint for doing this. Full stop. She is awesome and those girls are assholes for saying anything other than, "wow, you are doing that for those people? You truly are exactly what a surrogate mother should be."

Introducing Elliot and Alexander!

2011-10-12T10:51:00.007-04:00

Our little Princess Elliot Rose

And our little man Alexander James

Moments after the C-Sec

The twins are finally home and OMG are they adorable or WHAT! I just cannot believe how perfect and gorgeous their little bodies are, and more than that, I can't even begin to understand how someone can love another being so instantly and completely, right from the moment they come into your life. I know a lot of people have said they didn't get that instant love connection thing, but I think that had everything to do with the plummeting "happy" hormone that goes along with pregnancy, and also healing their own body in the process, feeling the pain of labor, or healing from a C-sec. I had to go to great lengths not to have any of those things to deal with!!! so we'll call it one of the upsides to surrogacy.

We arrived at the hospital for our "scheduled" C-sec for 9am... but were quickly informed we were delayed due to the unexpected high volume of women who came in throughout the night. We were taken to a very large birthing room, and Nickole, Jon, Chris and I got comfy in some fancy hospital recliners. Jon and Chris chatted about driving over Zombies and something about angry birds, while Nickole and I chatted about aches and kicks and the excitement of it all. The nurses were amazing, and assured Nickole that the doctor performing the C (Dr. Corby) was an excellent doc (female) and not to worry at all she would be well taken care of.

At about 11:15 they started an IV on Nickole, which WASN'T fun, but they got it the 2nd time around - what is it about getting an IV that is so horribly awful and never a success on the first attempt? The nurse didn't make a connection with a vein, although she thought she may have, so the saline started dripping, but it shattered the vein and Nickole's arm started to swell up and BURN. Not at all fun for Nickole. But we finally managed to get a good one in and she got taken away to be prepped for surgery. A few minutes later they brought me in, only to find a jam packed delivery room, and a very upset Nickole who after having the injection into her spine, took one whiff of the oxygen and threw up. She was NOT happy, but I think seeing me there put her at ease a little. I held her hand as they announced Baby A - it's a girl!... and then I promptly burst into tears (obviously). Nickole looked at me so happy to give this gift...she is truly an amazing person. Then as I was bawling over the birth of my baby girl, Nickole squeezed my hand and said, "hey! Baby B is coming!" and then they announced Baby is a Boy!! It all happened so fast but I try to go back to that 15 minutes and relive it in my head... it chokes me up every time. Nickole knew all along what the babies were going to be and knew we would be so happy with that. I'm sure she was relieved that the long-held secret was finally out! She said it was no easy feat keeping it all mum for 6 months!

The swarm of nurses then ensued as they did all of their preliminary testing and probing. The babies were so good and responsive... they did not need to be taken to NICU because they were PERFECT. They still are.

We then were all taken to a large room so that we could all sit and marvel at what we'd accomplished. We were happy to be there with Nickole and Jon - I could not have imagined sending Nickole off after all she had done for us. I think it also helped ease the transition of her letting go of the babies, which cannot be easy, even for Nickole who said she'd be a-ok. She got to hold them both and finally say hello to the little ones she'd held so safe and sound in her body for so long. Honestly, I want everyone to know just how wonderful that woman is...and her supportive husband. They are truly amazing people with hearts of gold. When I think about what she sacrificed (her body, her time, her family's time, her life) to be able to give us... I just can't wrap my head around exactly WHAT kind of person it takes to do that. She is so awesome and our time together could not have gone better. There is not one thing to complain about...and apparently that is a RARE thing in the world of surrogacy. Add to that she has 10 bags of frozen breast milk just waiting for us. I know right?!!!

We then were separated so that Nickole could heal her body and see her kids, and we could have some alone time with our new family. We spent 2 nights in the hospital getting to know our little ones, and learning so much from the nurses who were absolutely fantastic. They were not worried about us though... said we were doing amazingly well. Funny how that thing kicks in and you just go to it.

So there you go - one amazing birth story.

We are completely and utterly head over heals in love.

It's all been about this moment...

2011-10-06T21:36:00.004-04:00

It's Friday night, October 6th, and our babies will be born tomorrow. How nuts is that??? This whole crazy blog, if you've been reading, has been about the struggle to have a family, whatever way possible, and here we are (albeit still in denial) about to be parents. Us! Parents!! The word of the year is "craaaazy."

I can't believe the overwhelming excitement from all of our friends and family - you are all truly amazing people. Someone said to me today, "what does it feel like to know that people all over Canada, the US and Europe are cheering for you?" I mean WOW! Yeah...it feels absolutely amazing! It truly does...and I don't think I can adequately thank you for just how much you've cared, and how kind your emails and posts have been. You never gave up on us, you never got tired of hearing the broken record.

And without my little world of support would we be here? I know without a doubt that I had a goal and I wasn't going to stop until I had a baby...but I can't deny there were dark times when the hope was fading rapidly... and that's when you would swoop in and not take no for an answer.

How do I feel right now? Physically...well unfortunately I'm PMSing which doesn't help the emotional roller coaster I'm on. I slept terribly last night because I either have a bad cold, or terrible allergies. I have that awful exhausted run down feeling and today I felt like I hit a brick wall. I got the shivers and had to wrap myself in a blanket and lie down. lololol!! This is NOT how I want to feel on the eve of never sleeping again (which I believe every.single.person has said). I was going to write "what every.single.person has "joked about"", but I don't think anyone is really joking about it, despite the laughs that go with that statement! I think it's more of a "oh just you wait little miss do whatever you want, cook all day with a glass of wine and sleep until 10" laugh.

Emotionally...it is still (the other word of the year) "surreal" that we are collecting two babies tomorrow. 9am Nickole will have a C-section and we will welcome our babies into the world. I'm excited, and nervous, and scared. But beyond everything, I just want to get to the holding our babies part. The part where they place them in your arms and it hits you in the back of your throat...

We have waited so long for these babies to come into our lives, and now here they are.

I just can't wait to bring you home.

Updates!

2011-09-24T21:46:00.003-04:00

So today is 35 weeks and 3 days and we are all on pins and needles. Nickole has been back to the Labor Assessment Unit for extreme pain in her back. Having not experienced twins before I think she's nervous as to what's what - what level of pain means what? It's hard because she is having contractions, she is dilated, but the doc's keep sending her home. I feel so so much for her, this cannot be easy...and although she knew twins was a big possibility, I don't think she (or I) anticipated how debilitating it would be near the end. She's so close, but each day is so much pain. I only hope she can find some relief and take it one day at a time... It's hard as well because I'm torn between the woman who is here, and the babies who are coming... I have a lot of admiration for Nickole -she's not just a surrogate, we CARE about her...her health & her family. We also want our babies cooking as long as possible!

Today we put the finishing touches on the babies' room. God...we have been so fortunate and have been showered with gifts from so many loving friends and family... I feel like so many people helped to create that space... these babies are already so loved...they are so special.

The Babies are Coming...Very Very Soon!

2011-09-19T17:38:00.004-04:00

Here we are at 34 weeks and 4 days! We had a quick visit to the hospital today because Nickole's contractions had gone from every 20 minutes to every 5 minutes...but despite the contractions (which were measuring about every 8 minutes at the hospital) she was sent home because she is not dilated. We had a bit of an odd doctor who we are convinced couldn't see the monitor and it's readings because her surgery hat was so low it was basically covering her eyes. Yes, odd. But anyway, we were sent home for today and tomorrow we'll go back for our routine ultrasound and visit with Dr. Smith who Nickole will be relieved to see.

We're not certain, but we think the babies are probably still breach, and I've learned that if they haven't flipped by this time, then they probably won't...so we're likely looking at a C-sec at 36 weeks, if Nickole gets to 36 weeks (god bless her wee bum).

So that's the update! Still don't know what the little jam eaters are and a friend of mine called me today in a frenzy because SHE REALIZED THAT SHE JUST CANNOT STAND IT ANY LONGER AND CAN'T BELIEVE WE STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT THESE BABIES ARE. I am also in shock that I don't know what they will be, but oooh it makes it so much more fun!

xo

32 Weeks and Counting! Official Update

2011-09-02T09:54:00.004-04:00

Uh…yes, hello? Is it ok if I come in? Sorry I’m late. Oh, uuuh…you look a little… irritated…tapping your foot like that, but I got held up with a lot of stuff…some emotional stuff too.

It’s been a busy busy summer, and even though I thought fall would never come, it arrived in a flash because we have not stopped for months. Since the beginning of April we have been preparing for twins,, but not just the kind where you put two cribs together, we have been demo-ing the house and rebuilding it. The basement was gutted to the bones, and rebuilt into a cozy basement with entertainment center, plush carpet and open space. A brand new bathroom was also created with gorgeous tiled shower and space for washer/dryer. God do we love that new space. On the heels of completing that work, we put in new carpet upstairs on the top floor - the bedroom floor. One would think it’s no big deal and that they can install carpet in a few hours, but it’s the preparation before and after that’s exhausting. Everything had to be off the floor, off the walls, doors removed, closets emptied to 4 feet high. Everything was piled up downstairs in our livingroom…and stayed there for weeks making me feel like I could be on an episode of “Hoarders: Buried Alive”. I could have put it all back together fairly easily, but it was a great opportunity to start from scratch and put only what we wanted back upstairs. Plus we were creating a new room upstairs – a twin nursery. Once I have the room more or less done (although no doubt finally knowing the genders will influence the final look/colors of the room) I will take a few pictures.

I think I may have had a bit of depression over the summer. Part of me thinks the reno’s kept me busy, but part of me thinks it might have been better for me to have had this time to grieve the end of a 6 year battle with IF. Yes, we fought hard. Yes, we overcame. Yes, we are about to finally have the family we have always dreamed of … but it all came with a price. I didn’t get pregnant ever. We spent thousands and thousands of dollars on failed treatments. I never carried a child. I won’t have a child who shares my genetics. Despite spending 5 months preparing for adoption, we never ever received a phone call…which hurt me tremendously. All of these emotions that have been slowly simmering over the years I have had to put out of mind to focus on what’s next. Every time something failed, I would pick my chin up and move forward. There wasn’t any time to pout or process…we needed to keep moving forward, and this helped by giving me something to focus on, other than failure. But once we finally succeeded, I was not filled with elation. There were a lot of sad feelings there… I’m sure the people closest to me thought I was nuts – that this should be the happiest time of my life! What’s wrong with you?!! I didn’t feel that way at times…I wanted to cry when people talked excitedly about it. And I understand people’s excitement – we have had so many people cheering us on for so many years it could only have been expected that our entire world would be cheering and jumping up and down for us. But I couldn’t expect people to understand that despite this incredible joy, six years of fight fight fight was brought to an end …and with that came an overwhelming flooding of emotions and sadness I could no longer ignore...or hide.

I’m feeling good though… I feel like I’ve worked through it on my own, although I probably could have used professional assistance!!! But walking by the babies’ room and inhaling that baby detergent smell on their fresh clean sheets has me melting at the thought of two little babies, MY babies, coming home to their beds. I am so excited to meet these little ones that I have worked so hard on bringing into this world. I am so proud of what we have created for ourselves and our families. I am an IF survivor.

Nickole has been the best surrogate a couple like us could possibly ask for. There is not a shred of doubt in my mind that she wasn’t the perfect person for this role. Not only has she given us the greatest gift of all, she has also given us peace of mind that these babies have been given the healthiest possible start to their lives. Nickole is the picture of health and has handled this pregnancy like a champ, even though I know the days are rough for her, and the nights rougher. She has been having trouble sleeping. Amac likes to party in her ribs at night and Bmac likes to torture her with what feels like “Indian Rug Burn”. She has been sleeping on the couch, propped up – that is what she finds most comfortable to get a few quick zzzzz’s. It can’t help that 4 year old, M thinks it’s morning and time to play…at 4:30am.

The babies (at 31 weeks give or take a day) were measuring an impressive 3.5 lb’s each and the hope is that for the next 6 weeks they will grow .5 lb per week, resulting in a birth weight of 6.5 lb’s. That would be absolutely fantastic…and I keep everything crossed that the babies and Nickole can make it to 38 weeks. I believe the doc mentioned that he would not take Nickole beyond 38 weeks as there is no benefit at that point, only risk.

Ok so there is your official update! Thank you so much to those of you who have been “prodding” me for an update. I appreciate your curiosity and concern and feel so loved when I get a reminder update. Promise to post more as we hope to be finished everything this weekend and can just relax and rest up before the chaos hits! I can’t wait!

I hate to reply on top of the last post...

2011-07-13T20:00:00.004-04:00

But I must explain myself. First of all, how adorable is Nickole! I mean you cannot get more gorgeous than that, and no wonder she gets compliments all the time. Not only is she cute as a church mouse, but she is doing this incredibly amazing thing and one can't deny it must be a wonderful feeling to tell people what she is doing for a couple who simply had no other way. I adore the pants off of her (even though I think she might have outgrown most of her pants). Chris and I stared at her picture for a long time...going "wow - she's carrying our little babies! Look!! They are right in there!!" I said, they are coming from there (point to belly on screen) to US (point to both of us). He said jokingly, "they are coming to YOU." He does this all the time, pretends that he's just along for the ride, but I know he will make the most AMAZING father...I have always known this, and he will embrace it just as much as I will... he is just toying with me. Lol it is funny to hear him act all calm and confident like "piece of cake" when I know he is quietly dealing with the on-set of his new reality. Nothing like jumping right in which is no doubt his approach.

The reason for my (no excuses) absence, is "Renovation Heaven" read Renovation Hell. It is finally coming together though and I can almost taste the end. By next weekend I think we'll be relaxing on the new sectional. This will become Chris's permanent man cave and no doubt I will not see him in the bed for a couple of months. Let's call it a long cool slumber before the chaos hits.

So today we are 25 weeks on the nose...according to my handy dandy ticker, and in two weeks we'll be joining Nickole for another u/s. By the way, SHE KNOWS! She knows the sexes of the babies because she's been there done that and caught a few tell tale glimpses of the u/s. All I see, other than beautiful heads and spines and toes, is blobs, and I have no idea what means what... but this is a "perk" of being a surrogate and she can bask in the glow of knowing...

We're so grateful to have met our Nickole.

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 5

2011-07-13T19:53:00.004-04:00

Hello All Again,

I know it has been just over a month from the last blog post.... and Lisa has been up to her eyeballs in renovation heaven LOL.

So it is now t minus 105 days til due date, and 84 days til full term. The belly is still rocking - babies are very active and a new development is the 2:30AM party that I am so not destined to sleep through. I guess that is a good thing because it seems that my bladder is not on the VIP list and gets the boot. Not sure how the hubby would like it if I could sleep through that...I may find it a little funny but I'm sure it would be a short lived ha ha.

Here is a photo of what I look like today (July 13th).

I am having a great summer so far, however I am discovering that carrying twins is sooooo much different that just one. I know I am only 25 weeks but I am the size of someone who should be giving birth SOON lol so I guess it is to be expected that I feel kinda heavy.

On the up side, I am getting lots of people complimenting me on how good I look. (Always fun)

Thank you all for the blog comments.

Thanks S and Dmac!

2011-06-10T15:27:00.003-04:00

So the story of the cribs continues... I had an opportunity to purchase 2 gorgeous Pottery Barn cribs that were on sale, but I guess they sold out lickidy split because when I went ahead to purchase, they were no longer listed. I worried that we would not find the right cribs, for the right price, in time for the babies.

Chris's mom, Sharon, happened to be passing by a "gently used" baby store, and came across 2 perfect, barely used bassinets that were going for a bargain, so she bought them for us! They are super cute, and in mint condition.

Who doesn't love Nickole's post below? I love talking to her and hearing all the updates. I'm glad the babies are safe and sound in her belly, but I can't deny I wish I could feel all that she feels. Such is life! She has really popped (even more so!) since our ultrasound last week. The babies are doing great - measuring on target and at the same rate. I'm convinced B-mac is a boy... not only does he party at night (like Chris), he LOOKS like him - no kidding! A-mac is a morning person (like me :-) so that is our baby girl...well who knows really - it is all too exciting! Like I've said a million times, I don't care what combination we get, we just want 2 happy healthy little bouncing babies.

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

I sound like a broken record when I talk about Nickole and how grateful we are... I mean how could we not? She is giving us the most incredible thing! (things! lol)

(I hope she continues to be comfortable, and enjoy this pregnancy... I want nothing more than for this to be an incredible experience for her...)

and ps - your friend can meet the babies when we visit. xx

ETA: WAIT WAIT WAIT!! I got them mixed up (seriously? already?) Amac looks like Chris... and is the "morning" twin... B-mac I think is the girl... oh well like I've said, who knows! But Amac - just look at that profile - it is CHRIS! LOL

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 4

2011-06-10T15:16:00.005-04:00

Hello again,
So we have made it past the half way marker and all is well. My current size is about the size I was at 7, maybe 7.5 months with my middle child (respectively about 136lbs) so... all and all not too bad considering there are two perfect looking buns in the oven...

BTW did I mention that today is our 20 week marker?!

The babies are very active... Bmac likes to have wild mac daddy partys before bed and Amac is super happy in the morning, so only one side of me is normally bouncing around at a time. ...and dare I say it, both enjoy classic rock so car rides with loud music are always fun.

I am enjoying the warm weather thank goodness it's about time...all the cold and rain was starting to get me down.

We are looking forward to the summer fun...beach, camping, ice cream... okay okay the camping this year may be a bit of a challenge but who doesn't love an adventure and my children are at that perfect age to do camping things, without all the baggage that comes with infant children.

I am getting a lot of strangers asking me when I am due... when I tell them end of Oct, the look on their faces...... well as the say on TV, priceless, maybe I should start taking pics.

I have gotten a ton of support from everyone around me... friends, neighbors, my daughter's school etc.... Just today my friend next door stood petting me like a Buddha and like a smack it hit her and she said, "I will never see the babies in your belly, that's going to feel a bit strange." I was a little surprised that this is the first time it dawned on her.

My children think it is cool that the babies can hear them now so they are always talking to them... It's kinda funny to hear them say, "goodnight Lisa's babies
sleep tight and no fighting!" lol, or "excuse me babies I am going to snuggle with my mommy now okay...because she's MY mommy."

Each day even if I am in leg cramp hell or too tired to move one more inch, I take a moment to think about what a gift my children are to my family and I am so happy that I can help give that gift to Lisa and Chris.

Please excuse the pics they are not that great but they will do in a pinch.

Take care everyone.

18 weeks, 5 days!!

2011-05-31T19:44:00.007-04:00

What a great day! As usual we had a great visit with Nickole who is always in a bloody fantastic mood...which makes this arrangement just so much more wonderful and easy. Isn't she just a button! "Cute as a button" I kept telling her...she really is...as cute as a button.

A-mac and B-mac are measuring right on target and are completely in sync size wise, which is AMAZING. Dr. Smith was thrilled with the u/s results and said there is nothing to worry about at this point. We couldn't have had a better day - seeing our babies on the monitor, knowing we will be holding them close not too long from now. It really felt REAL today - like all the "this is surreal" feelings are starting to slip away, and reality is setting in in a big way. We're just so darn happy and excited!

Ok... and to be fair to Nickole, because I don't think I've ever posted my mug on this thing... here's a pic of me all smiles checking out the u/s pics.

TWINS! Almost 17 Weeks

2011-05-17T13:31:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone – sorry the pauses between posts seem to be growing longer …but bear with me through these GRATEFULLY UNEVENTFUL months. At this point no news is good news.

Our little bubbabaloos are still growing away …and Nickole’s tummy is growing slowly but surely. I am anxious to get to the next scan so we can be reassured that everything is right on track. Thankfully we have one in two weeks…so we can see our little people again.

NO WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE SEXES! Lol – everyone is up in arms about this, well some people are and you know who you are!!! but our families seem to agree with our decision. There is something so special about being surprised and also, it is one of the few things Chris and I have the ultimate say in. We both feel it will make the birth of our babies just that much more exciting and special… I don’t know…I love the idea of being surprised… Boy boy??? Girl Girl?? Boy Girl?? Who knows! I am thrilled for any combination. Honestly, no preference whatsoever.

And yes: It IS one of the last few surprises left in life. I will give you that line!

Nickole is doing great. A trooper throughout, and very knowledgeable and “take charge” which has worked out well for us considering our limited knowledge on pregnancies and what needs to be done when. I’m sure had I experienced a pregnancy myself, it would be a little easier to get the gist of tests and u/s… You know when you do something yourself, it just sinks in a little more. But being on the sidelines it’s great to have someone who can relay the information to us in an informed way.

Work has come back with the decision not to pay me the company top ups. Disgusting and pathetic. I no longer feel the loyal employee, like I have for the past 12 years. Nope.

It’s funny…but I seem to have really warmed up to the idea of twins. Don’t get me wrong, I always wanted twins, but when it hits you for the first time that you ARE having them, the reality of it all comes crashing in and it takes a little while to wrap ones head around it. But I’ve really come around to it… and I am no longer hyper ventilating…no longer fretting about the amount of space we have, the lack of money we’ll have.

I just LOVE the idea of twins right now – and having one would only seem strange…

…like buying one shoe.

13 weeks and 2 days pregnant!

2011-04-22T13:28:00.004-04:00

Hi again!

Had a great chat with Nickole this morning. She being mom, a.k.a., the ultimate multi-tasker, talked to me on phone, changed E's diaper, juggled Clementines with M, all the while preparing them to leave the house. I think she was also knitting an afghan whilst flipping flapjacks. I wonder, just how many arms does she have? Between motherly duties, she also managed (how I'm not sure) another couple of pics for your viewing pleasure. I can't deny I felt a wave of emotion looking at them. Our little ones are in there, growing away and getting ready to meet their mum and dad. I can't wait!

On a funny note, Nickole and I talked endlessly about how she was packing the kids up to go to Toys R' Us to buy a birthday present for a birthday tomorrow. I know it was "one of those mornings" where the kids sabotaged her every attempt to get ready in a reasonable amount of time. She finally succeeded, strapped them in the car, and took the long drive to Toys R' Us...only to realize it was Good Friday. OOPS! I admit I feel a smidgeon of guilt myself that I did not realize this and save her the trouble. It literally did not cross my mind. I know I'm not the one who's pregnant, but I am definitely suffering the "baby brain" everyone speaks of. Wait...what was I saying?

I'm in Baby Heaven (12 weeks)

2011-04-12T19:21:00.002-04:00

Hello my friends! Yesterday Nickole and I went for an ultrasound at the clinic...to see two beautiful little babies! Omg I still can't believe how incredible they are - it still feels a little like I'm in a dream, about to ABRUPTLY be awakened (and kept awake...for many months) but seeing those little babies swimming around in Nickole's belly made this all feel so much more real. They are so fully formed, and Amac (Baby A) was doing the Funky Chicken - her limbs were all over the place... Bmac (Baby B, obviously) was just floating around, like he was on the moon...

I don't know why I think of Amac as a girl and Bmac as a boy...maybe it's because my mother suggested Amac was a girl, or maybe it is because the original Bmac is Brian...my brother in law... Bmac Senior. He's a boy.

Nickole contacted me today to say that the high risk OBG had called her and told her that "everything looks great". She was told to book another u/s at the same clinic in 4 weeks time, just to ensure they continue to grow at the same rate. Then we will go again around 18-20 weeks.

I asked Nickole if her mommy intuition was telling her that everything was right on track, no problems, and she said, "yes, the mommy in me is saying we are a-ok". The mummy in me feels the same way. I am confident my babies are doing very well.

I felt proud like a proud mom for the first time ever today. It felt great!

Life Lessons

2011-04-09T18:50:00.003-04:00

Ok so you'd think that I probably would have suffered my fair share of "life lessons" by now, yes? No. The universe is not done with me yet, don't be getting all excited for nothing. Apparently now I have to withstand stingy wounds as well...salty ones. The company I have worked for for 12 years (and I picture them smugly shrugging whilst referencing the Collective Agreement) is not required to pay me for my leave, as I am not the "BIRTH MOTHER". Well...what can I say? They have me by the...

I shouldn't really blame management, but in a way I do. They have the power to make things right. They have the power to do the right thing. They choose to look at the C.A. and use it as a way out.

No, I didn't give birth, but the financial burden is the same for me as it is for a woman giving birth. Are we saying that women who can give birth get more money? How come? Are we financially rewarding only the women who can get pregnant themselves? What about the many other ways people create families? Do they not deserve financial assistance from their companies as well? After all we're all taking babies home from the hospital...we're all off for the same amount of time, we're all just trying to raise a family.

Screw them and their semantics. And you better believe I'm adding it to the agenda come bargaining.

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 3

2011-04-05T21:31:00.004-04:00

Nickole almost 8 weeks (March 14th) & then again at 10 weeks (March 31st)

Hello Again,

So according to Today's parent web site... The week by week guide that I signed up for to keep track of things, I am past the 10th week and in to the 11th week so it does not surprise me that today the babies started to have movements that I can feel. Seems a little more real now... I was so excited that I had to text Lisa and get her out of bed at stupid o-clock in the morning.

This is the info the web site gives me for week during week 11.

Stages Development Guide

Your pregnancy: Week 11

your baby

• Your baby is about the size of a small lime now. He weighs about 8g (0.3 oz) and he's about 44 to 66 mm (1.8 to 2.4 in) long, from the crown of his head to his buttocks. But not for long. He's entering a period of rapid growth. Over the next three weeks, he will double in length!

• Your baby has become quite an active little guy, kicking and swallowing away inside your womb.

• His fingernails have formed and his external genitals are beginning to develop now. In three weeks, your baby's development into a boy or girl will be complete.

The waiting's un-BEAR-able

2011-04-02T16:41:00.003-04:00

...he whispered as I walked by. So he came home with me.

I'm having one of those nights...

2011-03-31T20:13:00.004-04:00

I finish work, I walk to the gym, I work out, I head home, I make dinner. I'm in automatic pilot.

Until it hits me.

I'm going to be a mom.

I don't know what it's like for women who decide to have a family and become pregnant easily. I think although it would be wonderful to them, and exciting to them, it might be slightly less dramatic and a little bit more, "great - things are going according to plan."

For me it was months of negatives, years of horrible fertility treatments, a "blip" with adoption, and the sinking feeling being a mom was not in the cards. And I've felt that way for years...especially as I watched every single person I've ever known run circles around me. You know those commercials where you see the person in the middle, almost as if in slow motion, while the world spins frantically around them? That was me for 5 years. And sure 5 years may not seem so long when you're 30, but we weren't - we were 36-41...and options were closing in.

It's the strangest thing. Someone might say, "you NEVER gave up!" but I did... Sure I went through the motions, but I honestly never thought a pregnancy would occur and that we'd be taking a baby home. My mind just wouldn't go there anymore...it seemed impossible. Our efforts were waning.

Yet here we are. And I find it absolutely surreal. Does everyone else feel that way? Or is it just me? I can't believe family is becoming my reality...even as I type this, they grow exponentially...into our little babies...our family. What will they be like? What sexes will they be? What color will their hair be, their eyes? Will they look alike, will their personalities be opposite?

I never thought this would happen for us...and it is...it's really happening! And it's happening in a doubly wonderful way.

I can't wait to meet our brand new family.

Donor Egg Experiences

2011-03-30T19:00:00.001-04:00

When you finally muster the strength to go the donor egg route, you expect, or at the very least, HOPE that your young and fruitful donor will provide you with an army of strong mature eggs. I'm learning more and more that this is not always the case, in fact, I hear more horror stories than success stories.

Is it that in the US they have legalized egg donation and that more and more agencies are cashing in? Do they do their due diligence with respect to testing and monitoring of the donors? Do IP's put all their hopes and dreams into one single cycle, and WHY do we do that? We all know that any woman regardless of age can have an "off" cycle. I hear more and more the price of "good "donors rising, in some cases to the sum of $20,000 - all for one batch of good eggs...you hope. I think we're all in agreement that this is simply extortion. And unfortunately there's no guarantees. But more and more I hear about how the cycle was a "bust". That they retrieved 15 eggs, but only 8 of them were mature, and only 1 of them survived. For the amount of emotional energy, money and hope that goes into a donor cycle, that is a devastating loss. And the more I read about these nightmare stories, the more I appreciate our experience.

To my lovely donor S, we love you, and think of you often. You have given us so very much, and for that we will be forever grateful. Here is to you my dear, and your open heart. May the generosity you have shown your fellow Canadians ;-) come back to you in unbelievable ways. And times 100.

I love shopping...

2011-03-27T20:00:00.003-04:00

But I am definitely out of my element here. As our babies continue to grow in the lovely Nickole's belly, I find myself sneaking onto the internet to see what's out there in the world of baby. Note to self - start something, ANYTHING, baby and make an absolute fortune.

Here is what I've discovered so far. Necessities range from regular expensive to holy crap expensive, and there's not a whole lot in between. And I probably don't need to mention that I'm drawn to the most expensive because that's just how I roll. The first stroller I liked was $595... I thought that was the most expensive one, or at least it must be close to the most expensive one right? No, it's fairly standard actually...middle of the road. I'm wondering if I can get a "stroller loan", similar to how one gets a car loan. And one crib I clicked on that looked very decent and not really that unlike the other three hundred I viewed was $5,500. That's when I started to sweat. Thankfully I have seen much more reasonable cribs...because for a second there I thought they all cost that much. I thought well if that's the case they can share a crib until they are 13. Infant car seats that apparently click in and out of everything - that will run you another $400... oh and don't forget to double everything!

We can easily drop a few grand in the next little while. You think I'm complaining don't you? I'm not, I'm excited! These are not purchases I need to justify, like a 3rd pair of strappy wedges (which I really do need by the way)...these are mandatory things my babies need.

And what baby wants, baby gets.

Here is a picture of a room I fell in love with - we're trying to create a cute gender neutral space for our babies, because their sexes will be a surprise for everyone...us included. I just love the look and I think we can pull it together nicely.

Tales from the "Been There Done That"...er 40 years ago

2011-03-25T22:08:00.004-04:00

Here's my favorite American Dad telling on his 4 year old grandson...What a hilarious account...I couldn't help but share.

"Daughter in law left for Chicago this am on business, but left instructions on how to handle the kids (can't be done). I was given the keys to an Infinity, but it has 100,000 miles on it, and as many buttons. The little boy tells me he goes to McDonald's all the time...so to kill time I take him. Have no idea where it is, but he tells me. Have no idea how to order anything at McD's except a senior coffee. He gets that order which costs $8 but has some kind of a toy in it, which i have no idea how to assemble. Decide to take him to the library and tell him it's ok to run and shout inside there. He tells me he's going to tell his mother on me. Home we head - have no idea where I am, but am too embarrassed to ask the 4 year old for directions. Finally find our way home and I tell him it's nap time. He says he "doesn't take 'cause he's a big boy". I check my watch and it's only noon and not 5PM."

Amac and Bmac...of course...

2011-03-22T18:47:00.004-04:00

We thought long and hard about what we would call our little pumpkins while they are chilling out in Nickole's "Spa d'Uterus"...and came up with Thing One and Thing Two, which is fun and works because we won't know the sex...I'LL REPEAT THAT WE WILL NOT BE FINDING OUT THE SEXES!...but a friend of mine called today and she referred to Baby A and Baby B (which is what the clinics refer to them as) as Amac and Bmac. Well of COURSE they are Amac and Bmac! I am Lmac, and the man who started it all is Cmac.

So...Amac and Bmac are doing great! Amac is measuring 8 weeks and 5 days, with a heartbeat of 168 and Bmac is measuring 8 weeks and 4 days, with a heartbeat of 158. All is well and we could not be happier!!!

Thank you to Salla and Nickole for your generous hearts, and making our dreams of a family a reality.
xoxo

I think I Need to Go on Birth Control

2011-03-14T17:17:00.003-04:00

Oh you laugh, but you weren't me, walking briskly towards home with a pregnancy test in fist (cheapest one I could find because really...who are we kidding?) I find it (only slightly) amusing that for the first time in my life I LITERALLY was praying that it wouldn't be positive...because you hear the stories all the time don't you? Stories of incredible odds after years of struggle...like, "Oh, my friend? She was done with fertility treatments, and decided to just live her life, and then BOOM, she got pregnant JUST LIKE THAT." Or my favorite, "our friends adopted a baby, and then 2 months later found out they were pregnant!" These stories are fascinating to the fertile, and ANNOYING to the infertile...especially when you know that's never going to be you. And what's even stranger, is that everyone knows someone like that!!! lol - You'd think being immersed in a world of women who blog about infertility on a DAILY BASIS, I'd know one!

In any event, I had to rule out a pregnancy because I like wine.

I don't think I need to announce the results.

And I don't think I need to say that I'm very much enjoying this chardonnay.

Tales from the Nesting Place - Chapter 2

2011-03-10T16:47:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone in blogging land,

Just a quick update form the nesting place… On Tuesday March 8th we found out that Lisa and Chris are going to be the parents of 2 wee ones ..all cozy side by side for the long haul in their little jelly bean looking water beds.

THE NEST IS NOW FULL

OMG I was so happy it was ONLY two….. I mean wow one would be easy come on I have done that one three times before, but hopefully having 2 in there will be about the same. Uncomplicated!

I guess this time labor and delivery will be the different factor. This is where having twins terrifies me…. C-section :-( ...weeks after delivery of living on the main floor of my home so as not to pop stitches.

How will I care for my family? More importantly …how will I rule the roust if I can’t even climb to the top??? Hummmm sounds like problem solving time.

When it’s all said and done it will all be well worth it to have helped Lisa and Chris complete their family.

I could not be happier that the universe put Lisa and Chris and myself on colliding paths they are the perfect people to take a journey with. They are by far the perfect example of the statement, "if at first you don’t succeed TRY, TRY again", and I love that.

As of right now I am feeling about the same as normal hungry enough to eat an entire breakfast buffet in the morning and too full to move in the evening …… lol not sure that will ever change.

I feel like I am expanding at an alarming rate however to look at me you would not say so…..my pants would say different ….. thank goodness pants can’t talk!

Thanks for reading!

Thing One and Thing Two...

2011-03-09T19:14:00.006-05:00

OMG twins! We found out yesterday that Nickole is carrying two of our little bubs...all cozy up and comfy in her perfect little space. Seeing the heartbeat flicker on the monitor made me so excited I could have thrown up. That's the best way to describe it...and no, it's not very romantic or mother-like, but I'm just tellin' it like it is. It was the excitement and shock running through my body. It was like butterflies that felt like boulders...combined with a rush of excitement and the end of 6 years of disappointment. I can't deny I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop... But no this is going to work! The babies are growing right on target, and at exactly the same rate, with good strong heartbeats. I'm a very proud mummy right now.

Chris and I just watched a segment on the news about baby monitors and it's as if the report was made for us. I said, "omg, how are we going to DO this?" (joking of course) and his quick reply was, "I DON'T KNOW - WE'RE SCREWED!" lolol - he was joking too of course and said, "we're going to be awesome, we're 40!" lol - okaaay... Pros and cons I suppose.

Who would have thunk it? Me and Chris with 2 babies just like that. Enter Nickole, our little baby savior. Just so easy like, "meh, I get knocked up real quick y'all." Ok that's Britney Spears talking, not Nickole, but she's just as fertile. Our luck may suck when it comes to my body, but I sure did knock it out of the park when it came to the wonderful people we recruited to help make this happen. Yay team.

We have another ultrasound with Dr. A's clinic in 2 weeks and then we will be released to a high risk doctor at Credit Valley Hospital. This brings me great comfort, knowing that a high risk doctor will know exactly how to keep not only our babies safe, but Nickole, and will most likely be familiar with IVF and PERHAPS (if we're lucky) surrogacy. I hope that we have a doctor who can be a little more kind and empathetic than the doctors we've dealt with lately. I don't want to sound ungrateful, and had Dr. A. even mumbled, quietly, under his breath, the word "congratulations", I would have sung his praises. But he chose not to look me in the eye, be in one of his "moods" and talk to Nickole like I didn't exist. Oh, and this has nothing to do with Nickole...I love her for what she's doing for us, and that's the end of the story. But why is Dr. A such a Douche-bag? Why can't he just say, "congratulations...I know it's been a long and sometimes painful journey for you and Christopher." For god's sake - we have a surrogate and donor eggs - this doesn't warrant a little clinic celebration? To what lengths do people have to go to get a little "congrats" from him?

Like I said, I would love to be grateful for everything he's done for us, but at the same time, this success probably has little to do with this particular clinic, and everything to do with our lovely young donor, and wonderfully fertile surrogate...and we'll give a shout out to the endocrinologist, who did a bang-up job.

Oh wow...where did I go? This is supposed to be my shiny happy post...so I'm going to stay here, in the moment, and enjoy every little bit of it. I just had to get that off my chest...and I know it's early to be talking smack, and I hope I don't jinx it all, but I just thought it was important to stay honest, and speak my mind. This is my blog after all.

Nickole & Jon...well what can I say? They're the bomb. We could not have picked easier people to do this with - just so easy, and as I've said this a million times to describe Nickole, CHILL! She's like super chill and what could be better for my bubs, than to be in super chill tummy. Imagine Thing One and Thing Two in my boulder size butterfly tummy? See where I'm going with this? Not good... but we'll be good and ready to catch those babies, and we'll make the best parents EVER!

Can't wait...I just can't wait!

Oh, 40 weeks will be October 27th (sorry mum - a day off yours!!) but twins will likely be earlier than that. Hoping we can go as long as possible, but what will be will be.

Nickole has informed me that she's writing a blog report - so make sure to leave her some comments please!!! I know she'd love it.

2011-03-05T13:06:00.001-05:00

I’ve been quiet recently, partly because I didn’t want to jinx anything, and partly because I am STUNNED! It’s a strange thing to have something finally work…it’s a strange high, and then you have to just get on with it. I think people were more excited than I was - or it might have appeared that way, but it was a protection thing. With everyone knowing at such an early stage, it was like, “Yes, I’m over the moon, but WAIT…’cause we’re not in the clear yet!!” I know it’s not a positive way to think, but remember where we’re coming from.

On Tuesday we accompany Nickole to the heartbeat ultra sound, and I think from that point, chances will be pretty good that we’re well on our way. I’m excited to know if it’s one or two! I know the chances of two are greater because of Nickole’s high numbers. I’d be beside myself with either option – I think Chris would prefer one…but he’s definitely up for the challenge of two…or let’s put it this way – he doesn’t have a choice!

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-02-16T18:55:00.002-05:00

Isn't it a thing of beauty?!

Sorry it's taken me since Monday to post... Nickole called me early Monday morning after reading my "must wipe the counter tops again" post. She decided she would give it a shot, and low and behold, it came up good and strong and positive RIGHT AWAY! She's so cute - she texted me several times at 6:30 am, worried she would wake us up before the alarm. I wouldn't have cared if she called at 2am. She said she was up so early she didn't quite know what to do with herself...and then wrote, "call me, I have some questions."

I have to admit, I was hoping she had POAS, but I wasn't expecting it either because we had talked about when we would. We KNEW she could test on Monday, but it still might have been early...so I said it was up to her, but not to mention if she did, and she tested negative. She told me she just wouldn't POAS...problem solved.

But you see, Nickole has this uncanny ability to KNOW she's pregnant, and let's not forget that she's FERTILE AS ALL GET OUT, so she probably had a hunch, and went with it.

Anyway, I called her right away and she said "what are you doing right now?" I said I was "doing my eyebrows" lol - and she said, ok take the stick away from your eyes...because I have something to tell you." POSITIVE... OMG IT'S POSITIVE!!!! I screamed - like literally screamed...I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.. but then again, it's Nickole and she was like "shrug, I'm pregnant." Like easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Chris and I are OVER THE MOON!!!! And my emotions have taken me on an incredible journey. The emails, congratulations and support have been absolutely overwhelming, and I KNOW this is early days, but I decided a long time ago, to be an open book on this by having this blog, so no 12 week wait for us... how can I hold out on you now?

Ok sorry this is a real ramble of a post, but I just wanted you to know that we are absolutely overjoyed by this, and can't even believe it! We're going to be parents! And this unbelievable fact is something I thought might never happen.

We love our Nickole - she has been so incredible and supportive and excited...she feels like part of our family now...and forever will be.

More soon... but I just wanted to let you know the great news!

Please pray for Nickole and for us, that this pregnancy will thrive and our baby(ies) will grow and heartbeats will be seen, and fingers, toes, and everything else will come easily!

Love to you all!

This is Torture.

2011-02-13T17:31:00.003-05:00

I guess I'll go wipe the kitchen counter tops again.

Yesterday Sucked

2011-02-12T08:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally even though I didn't quite realize it until it was all but done. Just an off day, with a series of events that left me feeling pretty damn useless (like taking a huge mouthful of boiling water forgetting it wasn't cold and burning my entire mouth, to dropping just about everything I picked up). The girls at worked joked that I should just go home, wrap myself in bubble wrap, and call it a day. I guess as much as I tried to put all of this out of my mind to concentrate on work, it loomed somewhere behind the surface... Fortunately my work does not involve danger... just ugly carpet and padded cubicles.

Today is a brand new day though and I don't have to work! And I'm proud to announce that a tiny morsel of me thinks, this could really be happening! I feel terrible for posting negative thoughts, but such is life. I can't always be expected to be chippy and optimistic...

Just another day closer to the big test... Today I can't deny it, it's exciting.

The Game of Emotions

2011-02-11T17:45:00.002-05:00

I've gotten so many great emails - you are all so excited and can't contain yourselves, and I am so grateful for the support.

I know this is such a great shot...I KNOW this, but you have to understand that I have had nothing but disappointment for 6 long years. And as much as I want to jump on the "OMG THIS IS IT!" bandwagon, I can't...because I just can't. I know the chances are good. I know that putting 25 year old embryos into a surrogate with a perfect uterus bumps our chances substantially, but falling on the "wrong side of the stats" for so many years has ruined my ability to be optimistic.

I hate to sound so down about it all. I hope that when Nickole reads this she understands...it has nothing to do with being grateful, for which I am incredibly...it's just that this infertility disappointment shit gets in the way. I'm officially broken down by it.

But I do know, outside of me and my mind, that our chances are good - BETTER than 50/50, but 50/50 is where I stay...kindof like roulette. It's either red or black, red or black.

Transfer Day!

2011-02-08T18:42:00.003-05:00

Well today went really well. We arrived at the clinic on time, even though Dr. A was 45 minutes late. Poor Nickole had a full bladder and was becoming more and more uncomfortable...but she is such a trooper. She was told she could "go a little" if she needed to, but joked that after having 3 kids, if she let the floodgates go, there was no turning back. Eventually she had to just try, and Dr. A said not to worry about it too much. I know what it's like to "half pee" - its almost worse, but it does alleviate a little bit of pressure.

We finally got taken to the room, where Dr. A explained the embryo situation. The top and bottom embryos are good blasts, the bottom one being the stronger of the two. I am officially saying that bottom embie is a boy and top embie is a girl. The two in the middle (one on top of the other) Dr. A said were likely not going to make it, and the outer two he wanted to put in as well, for a total of 4! Nickole and I agreed that 3 was enough thank you very much, because we did not want our own reality show, so we said, no, let's stick with 3 and so Dr. A. told the embryologist to pick the stronger of the 2 (outer ones). Chris was happy we made this decision as well because we had discussed it at length...So 3 it is! Nickole was a trooper throughout the transfer, which I know can be a little uncomfortable, but she is never a complainer...I guess after delivering 3 kids, this is a walk in the park!

Very relieved and very thankful to be on this side of the transfer! It's been a long haul, and I so hope this will finally be the route we were meant to take!

Nickole is to start progesterone suppositories now (sorry Nickole) and on Thursday she goes for a progesterone check - to make sure she has enough to sustain the pregnancy...and then 9 days from now (next Thursday) she can take the blood test. I have left her in charge of testing...if she wants to test at home, she can, if she doesn't want to, and would rather wait for the bloodwork, that's fine too. I've told her if she DOES want to test at home, to only call me if it's positive lol! ...but I think she wants to wait... or at least that's what she's telling me for now...so I don't think "oh no, she's not calling because it's negative." Anyway, it is what it is at this point...it will either work or it won't - so no point wringing our hands for a week...although I know we all will!!

Tales from The Nesting Place - Chapter 1

2011-02-07T19:22:00.006-05:00

Okay So I am not too familiar with posting blogs for everyone in the world to read but here it goes….

The Cole's notes version

Tomorrow I will embark on a journey of epic proportions (for some) that will hopefully change lives forever.

I LOVE BEING A MOM.it is by far my greatest accomplishment, Every day is fun an exciting you never know what’s going to happen, ONE BIG ADVENTURE!!!!!

They are just so darn CUTE..

All of my pregnancy’s were as enjoyable as being trapped with a giant beach ball attached to the front of you could be. But worth every min of itchy skin, back ache, leg pins and needles .etc……..(typical preggo stuff)

After my husband and I had our cutie pie M 4 years ago I told him that being a surrogate was something I would really like to do, I just thought I have such an easy time of it and I truly consider it a gift and gifts were meant to be shared.

We together decided to complete our own family before taking the idea of being a surrogate under consideration.

We decided to go ahead in October of 2010, so over the last few months I have had my insides view more time’s than ever before……. I did not even know that they had internal ultrasounds….. EAKKK NOT FUN but a necessary evil . AND blood work……omg. maybe the clinic is really a blood bank reserve for vampires…. (LOL just kidding)

I am so excited and frightened at the same time LIKE riding a roller coaster so excited to get aboard then wait in limbo as the cart moves along the track….. as you reach the peak (where it fun begins ) your heart, stomach and anything that felt the need to migrate north are now in your throat.

TOMORROW is my PEAK DAY!

I will apologize in advance that I am not nearly as entertaining in my writing as Lisa but I will try….from time to time.

Please Stay tuned form time to time for updates from…..

THE NESTING PLACE.

GREAT NEWS FROM THE PITRI DISH!

2011-02-06T11:46:00.003-05:00

So...as it turns out, The Great Thaw of 2011 happened on Friday, not Thursday as we had thought. Got a call this morning from Marissa who happily gave us the news... here are the stats...

2 strains of embryos were thawed (3 embryos each)

2 of them are 8 cell, Grade 1 (you can't get any better than this)
3 of them are 8 cell, Grade 2 (still very very good)
1 of them is 7 cell, Grade 1 (excellent still!)

GO EMBIES GO!

Chris and I really can't contain our excitement and did a little happy dance in the kitchen after the call. Let's just say he's proud of his boys.

I just really hope this is the start of something wonderful.

Check back for more!!

No Fert Results...

2011-02-05T09:21:00.003-05:00

No big surprise here.

The clinic said "after we defreeze the embryos, you will receive daily reports on how they are progressing." That would mean that after they took them out on Thursday, that FRIDAY I would receive the first report. It would have been an important milestone...to see if they survived the thaw and were thriving as they should be...but nope...no report yesterday. Like I said, no big surprise.

Hoping today will bring us some good news... and here's hoping I don't have to call them.

In other news, I have asked Nickole if she would be interested in writing a few words from her perspective. A friend of mine did this on her blog, and it was nice to read about the experience from the surrogate's point of view. So stay tuned for an update from Nickole. I think she is planning one for the transfer day. Can't wait to read it!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE HERE! OHMIGOSH

2011-02-02T21:26:00.006-05:00

Nickole and I met yesterday at Union Station for her pre-transfer ultrasound and blood work. She decided to bring the kids in to the appointment, and as excited as I was to see them, I did have some butterflies knowing that I would be babysitting for the duration of Nickole's ultrasound. I pictured a really crowded waiting room full of bitter infertiles (they hate it when kids go to fertility clinics) and I pictured E in tears, screaming for his mommy, and M asking in a really loud voice, "WHY IS MOMMY HAVING YOU A BABY?" I can't lie, I was up at 3am running scenarios through my mind, like, "because my tummy is broken, but mummy's tummy works really good!" You know, it gets a little tricky sometimes... and kids just keep asking "why?" You know, "Why is it snowing?" "Because it's cold." "Why is it cold?" "Because it's winter time." "Why is it winter time?" "Because we have 4 seasons, and right now it's winter." "Why do we have seasons........" and so on and so on and so on. I am just glad that M was more interested in playing games, than being the first little person to ask questions.

I was super relieved when we ended up being the only people at the clinic. I shut the door to the waiting room and let them run around...in circles, with heavy boots on, until Dr. A came storming in and said "what's going on in here!?" M & E shrieked with delight, thinking Dr. A was having fun with them... but I think he was misunderstood... lol. Loves it. Just try and yell at me in front of them!

So let's get down to the nitty gritty. Nickole's ultrasound and blood work came back VERY good. Her lining is 13mm and it has the triple stripe pattern. What's that you ask? Who the hell knows, I just know you want it! She's also set to surge tomorrow which means tomorrow they will un-freeze 5 or 6 of our frozen embryos to grow them out to 5-day blastocysts. This is officially when the roller coaster of emotions kicks in, wondering from day to day if our babies will survive the thaw. Thankfully I am not all crazy and hopped up on Gonal-(bar)F like I have been in the past...although I am expecting my period any day now, so I shouldn't make promises I can't keep. I will be eating my way through this weekend.

Emotional update: Feeling cautiously optimistic.

Transfer Date - February 7, 2011

2011-01-23T11:28:00.001-05:00

Day 3 with Nickole went very well. Picked her up at the Spadina subway and we walked to the clinic together... She had the usual blood drawn, and a vaginal ultrasound to see how things are looking, and apparently things are looking good. In the meantime, I had a chat with the doc. He said that a day 3 embryo transfer normally happens on Day 18 of a cycle, but because we are doing a Day 5 blastocyst transfer, it would occur on Day 20 (2 days later). That brings us to February 7th. Nickole did some blog digging to see what I was doing last year around this time, and discovered that the egg retrieval with Salla happened on February 7th. She wondered if this was a good sign... funny how it will be a year to almost the exact day... I'm glad that my transfer date last year doesn't land on the same date this year... just 'cause...well we know how that played out! I am not one for superstition or levels of luck anymore, I have to throw all of that out the window because luck does not appear to be on my side, and if I rely on it, it will give it more power. But for now I remain hopeful that with my body out of the picture, things will just happen as they should...and we'll finally get our pregnancy.

Don't get your knickers in a twist...

2011-01-20T17:00:00.002-05:00

I realize now that the last post was perhaps a touch misleading. It dawned on me when droves of congratulatory emails started flooding in…ok really there was only one, but I should clarify…

No one is pregnant. I repeat. No one is pregnant...yet. I was just having innocent fun with a pregnancy calculator. Since we knew what Nickole’s potential "first day of last period" was (because God willing it might just be) I plugged it in to calculate a potential due date. See? Innocent fun, and kinda dumb. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

This is what being overly eager gets you...a world of confusion.

BUT please stand by because a transfer is looming. We probably won't know if we can pop the champagne (I can do that see - the upside of surrogacy) until a week or so into Feb...so keep your fingers and toes crossed for us please!!

My baby will be born on or around October 25th!

2011-01-18T14:16:00.002-05:00

At least that's what the Pregnancy Due Date Calculator is telling me. Nickole is supposed to have a visit with AF today and if she does, then we're having a late October baby...or maybe late September twins?!!

Ps - although I would agree that buying an infant onsie, or an adorable pair of Robeez' to mark this occasion would feel like a complete and utter jinx, the due date calculator seems an innocent enough peek into the future, without getting cocky.

2011-01-09T10:50:00.002-05:00

Things are about to get pretty freakin' crazy around here. Only about a week now until Nickole starts her cycle. Does anyone else feel like this limbo period has lasted an ice age?

I think everyone's been a little on edge. The waiting, the anticipation, the potential for over-the-moon elation, and also the potential for total disaster... Because I've always been an open book to anyone who's interested, everyone knows... and because of that, I sometimes feel like I'm in a stadium and all of you are the fans...waiting anxiously for that single moment when we score a goal...but game after game, you leave the stadium disappointed and in a not-so-celebratory mood - which sucks for you and sucks for me. I want, for once, the fans to go NUTS and leave the stadium like we've just won the playoffs.

Wouldn't that be nice? For a change?

And throw in the Leafs winning the Stanley Cup. Ok that one is even more lofty than my dream... let's leave that one for now.

2010-12-17T23:25:00.003-05:00

As I write a baby shower card, "enjoy your LAST Christmas before the chaos!" I wonder to myself, could this be MY last Christmas before the chaos? It's strange at this point to project forward to actually picturing a baby in our lives. Is it still possible? Seems IMpossible. Yet here we go, once again. I've always pictured myself with a baby, hell a family, but the stars never seemed to align and year after year, it was just me and Chris, Chris and me. I wonder why I continue to fight this fight. Is it because I'm competitive by nature? Is it because I won't take no for an answer? Is it because I rightfully WANT a family? Is it because I want to prove the universe wrong? Or do I just want a pipsqueak to call my own? I don't really know the answer anymore...all I know is that I want a freakin' pipsqueak.

Beyond words... and so much so I have exhausted all but one option. And so this is it my friends... the last hurrah, if I may be dramatic.

Does anyone read this blog anymore? Well if you do, please send your thoughts in whatever way you wish, for 2011 to be the year that we have a baby to call our own. Please write to this post... send me a little encouragement...I need it.

Happy Holidays to my wonderful family and all of my supportive friends!

2010-12-04T19:47:00.007-05:00

Ok don't judge me - I can't help that I'm a sucker for reality TV. Just the other day I was on the bus and thinking, man, I would really have enjoyed watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians" (I never really knew what channel it was on)...and for a brief moment thought this might be a great Christmas gift idea, if it wasn't the most embarrassing thing to have to ask for.

You all know me - I grew up a tomboy, but I do like all things glammy, even if I can't afford any of it. Being a voyeur to 3 fabulous Armenians with endless access to money, clothes, makeup and accessories, I couldn't help but get a giddy up in my step when they announced there would be a "E Hollywood weekend marathon".

And me, with nothing to do but lie around and eat Doritos.

It's ridiculous dialog - you know, nothing of much consequence, but Bruce Jenner, my new favorite Olympic dad, just spent an episode freaking out about his youngest daughter, who is 12 and wearing enough kohl to embarrass Cleopatra... but he said this and I thought about my own poor dad, who I grew up thinking was the BOMB, only to eventually rebel against his STRICT AND CONTROLLING ways.

I'm not apologizing for my disgusting behavior, simply showing that ALL girls go through this...and that it was nothing personal.

Bruce said,

"I think the toughest thing for any dad is to watch their little girl grow up.. You know, when they start off they just love their dad, they wanna hang with dad, and then all of a sudden the hormones hit, and you become the enemy...and you know, it's tough on a dad."

Pretty much sums it up!

The Mighty Nickole

2010-11-27T10:14:00.000-05:00

Well here we go - barring some unforeseen catastrophe, Nickole's our girl! Wish we could just get on with it, but a little thing we call Xmas gets in the way...so it looks like it will be a late January transfer. Seems so far away, but I know it will be here before we know it.

I've met Nickole twice now and I can't tell you how happy I am that things with Amber fell through. It was just so easy and comfortable, right off the bat, and our phone conversations seem endless, like we could talk for hours. She's as cute as a button, all 5'1&3/4", 108 lb's of her...but don't be fooled by her stature, I get the impression she's small but mighty...kindof like me...Mighty Mouse.

Nothing we've thrown at her yet has phased her...and I think her personality is perfect for this monumental a task. She seems impossible to annoy, and gets a kick out of just about everything. Her first visit to the clinic involved endless paperwork and a vaginal ultrasound. I assumed she would just go in herself, assumed she would need or want privacy, but nope...she wanted me in there which was GREAT - I really want to be a part of everything, and she is completely on board with that. The second visit involved a bit more of an invasive exam, which included inserting a catheter up and over her cervix (not the most comfortable thing in the world) into her uterus with a little balloon on the end so they could see on the monitor what her uterus looked like... perfect so far - nothing inhospitable about it. She joked her way through it, and didn't complain once. With her legs spread wide in stirrups, she asked that the doctor warn her before doing anything that might hurt, and said something along the lines of, you'd better, or you might find me sitting in your lap. Just the visual of that was enough to make me laugh out loud. Even the doc, who was very different with me and who often seemed to have little to no patience, was amused by her constant sarcasm and quips. You can't not love this girl - she's unique to say the least....and entertaining.

Chris and I went for our counseling session with the psychologist, and although she was great, I left there feeling very overwhelmed. Until this point, I've been thinking a pregnancy is the end goal...and well right now it is - just to get to that point would be a miracle, but of course the psychologist is there to virtually walk us through the entire process. I hadn't thought about birth plans and midwives...and was completely wrong about thinking I had to "adopt" the baby from Nickole, as she is the birth mother, and legally I thought the birth mother was the official mother until adoption, but that's not the case. We are to get a "Declaration of Parentage" through the courts. Apparently this involves our lawyer going before a judge with DNA from all of us, and paperwork that proves our intention to be the parents, and this is how we are granted rights to the baby. Chris is obviously the genetic father, but I am not genetically connected... but I think this would have to occur even if it was my own genetics...this is just the process. Something I hadn't heard about before, so I was a bit caught off guard. But this will be the way of the next 10 months - I'm sure there's going to be a lot that will catch me off guard having never done this before. I'm going to have to stay calm and roll with it all.

So things are looking really good. The only thing we have to finalize now is the legal agreement, and I have a first draft that Chris and I have to review and send back to the lawyer, which I hope to do this weekend.

Chris and I will meet Nickole and her family on December 12th for a little get together at a childrens indoor playground...that way the kids can run around while we have a good chat. I'm really looking forward to meeting all of them!

A Bad Day, and I'm CRANKY

2010-11-10T22:12:00.004-05:00

You'd think with all the psych evaluations Chris and I have had to do and the 5-month long invasive $5,000 adoption home study, complete with police reports, we'd be cleared to adopt little baby aliens should their leaders decide to land themselves on earth. But now with surrogacy, we find ourselves needing to do yet ANOTHER psych evaluation. I am beyond FURIOUS. It's a cash grab at this point, to the tune of 800 dollars! That's for N and for us. Both of us...$400 each. Please.

FU-RI-OUS.

So let me get this straight...in addition to the thousands of dollars we have had to fork over for fertility treatments, to no avail I might add, we now have to prove ONCE GAIN, that we are fit to parent, when teenagers with no income and no sense and no experience can get pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat?? I'm not SAYING that teenagers should have licenses to have babies, I'm simply asking, why do WE have to?? Chris and I are decent human beings, others can attest to this. We have good jobs, live in a nice house fit for a family...Why do we have to be evaluated??! Seriously pisses me off people!

I'm tired.

One door SLAMS, another flings open...

2010-11-07T10:34:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm repeating myself. I'm almost certain I've posted a similar title, but it seems to be the way of my life. Last week I sent Amber a chilly "take care" with nothing to it. I didn't want to email back my disappointment or anger, and give her an easy out, or have her continue the conversation. I think my lack of response was good. I'm sure she could care less anyway, now that she's got something else to move onto.

So I emailed Pagent that we needed to begin another search, and she said she had already been looking "just in case". Maybe she had a sense about Amber that I just couldn't see, but was too professional or polite to mention. I mean what could she say at the time?,"I don't think this is going to work out so I'll keep looking."

I didn't expect things to happen so quickly, but she said in her email back to me that she was interviewing a woman from Mississauga that evening on the phone. She gave me a brief description, and I waited for her follow up. She said that N (should I be using people's names??? I don't know...)was definitely interested and that she would be expecting an email from me. Now not more than a week later, this is fairly wrapped up. I spoke to N yesterday, and had a great chat with her - she's really easy to talk to, funny way about her, nice voice, completely open to talking about anything. She seems the perfect match so far. She has 3 children, and has been married to her husband for 10 years. She turns 31 in a few weeks. Her husband has had a vasectomy, which was music to my ears.

N wants to get moving as quickly as possible, which is a-ok by me. She's returned the intake form to Pagent, who will take it to Dr. A's office for preliminary approval. Then I would imagine she'll have some tests and ultrasounds to ensure she's a good candidate. We've agreed to a flat rate, and of course there are other potential expenses - should she be pregnant with twins, if she needs to stop working as a result of the pregnancy, etc. I'm confident we'll come up with something that feels comfortable for everyone.

I'm cautiously excited... and fairly confident (assuming Dr. A will approve her) that things will at least get to the transfer stage. Both N and I are pushing for a December transfer, but for all I know the timing around this could be impossible. Pagent was thinking January, and this might end up being the case and that's fine too.

Just another little step forward...

Twenty Five Year Olds

2010-10-31T13:27:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry to all 25 year olds who think they are emotionally mature, and I'm sure there a few of you who TRULY might just be, but there are always one or two who ruin it for the rest. If you're 25 and reading this post, and have your back up...here are a few words for you. I DON'T CARE.

I tried to give A the benefit of the doubt, although in hind sight, when I spoke to her on the phone, she did not seem to speak like a 25 year old - much older in fact, and it didn't quite ring true. It reminded me of a young person trying to appear like a woman who had her shit together.

Why do I sound so angry at the 25 year olds of the world? Because not only did she shatter my dreams of a surrogacy arrangement going smoothly, but she double-whammied me with a pregnancy announcement. The girl went off the pill FOR ME, and proceeded to have sex without protection, even though I joked (not really) to "wear a condom!" the weekend she was getting together with her boyfriend. Ergo, 25 year olds simply cannot be trusted to take a matter so incredibly important, seriously.

The funny part about the newsy email I received from A, was one line in particular, "Please don't get discouraged by this... maybe this was a way for you to bring up your confidence that this is going to happen for you." Did she really just write that this experience should boost my confidence? lol

So there you have it. Yet another door slammed in my face.

FFS

...stay tuned.

I've Become Lame

2010-10-11T11:20:00.003-04:00

Chris just read my post and said "good babe". I said, "I used to be funny." which he...found funny.

I'm trying to bring back the sense of humor to these posts, because it's way more the way I want to write. It's just hard sometimes to find the lighter side of things...especially when the posts are more about logistics. I need to get back into the thick of things. BLOODWENCH...now SHE made for some good material, and...well I can't deny I'm a little excited to get back to the clinic for some good ol' fashioned abuse. Maybe Dr. A will yell at me again!

Introducing the Project Team...The "Group of Seven"

2010-10-11T11:10:00.002-04:00

For most people, having a baby takes two. In our case, it takes seven. Chris and I are the obvious first - the Project Managers of this team. The Coordinator, Pat, will help pull all the pieces of the together within the allotted time frame. Dr. Auyeung, the Engineer, will use a technique known as IVF to help us achieve our goal of success. S & A have been critical Team Players, dedicating their time and effort to the project with unquestioned determination. We also have Sponsors, who have been instrumental in allowing us to continue to achieve our goals and stay within budget.

This is how it feels right now. Like a project we are far from completing.

BUT, this is is how we continue to scramble our way out of what feels like a sinking ship. For me right now, this is a job - ensuring all the pieces of the puzzle are in place and that everyone is ready to get down to work.

.......................................................

Thanksgiving Monday

In just a few hours I'll be speaking with A. It will be our first phone chat and I hope that it goes smoothly. She has committed 100% to us, and has had her phone consult with Pat, the Agent. Pat relayed that she agrees - she is the ideal person to be a surrogate. A's never done this before, but she doesn't seem to have any fear or anxiety or anything about it at all...she just seems excited and wants to get on with it. When I (sheepishly) told her about progesterone suppositories, hoping I wasn't going to scare her off, she replied, "Lisa, nothing is going to scare me away." She is determined it would seem and again, I just can't believe my luck in finding good people. At least that's something!

Maybe I should become an agent. Who better to represent a company than someone who has gone what I've gone through? But let's not get ahead of ourselves, there are no guarantees here...just a little more hope.

What is it about Gospel Music?

2010-10-05T21:40:00.004-04:00

Years ago, my roommate Brian and I visited Janice in San Francisco...she had moved there a couple of years earlier and had invited us down for a week to see the sights. On Sunday morning she said she had a surprise for us. She dragged us out of bed, across the city and to this unassuming building in the middle of downtown where with great satisfaction she announced, "we're going to CHURCH!" - the Glide Memorial Church, actually. None of us being particularly religious, I wondered what on earth she was up to...but then the choir sang, and IT WAS INCREDIBLE. I can't remember if I bawled on the outside, but I remember being completely choked up on the inside and truth be told, a little embarrassed by my reaction. After all, everyone else was clapping and swinging and singing and there I was a bubbling mass of emotion. There was just something about the collective energy, the amazing voices, the acoustics. I was so moved by it all... She knew I would be.

To this day, I can't listen to gospel without getting choked up... I love the stuff and I'm proud to admit it.

(And YES, I just watched Glee...and that's what reminded me of that story. So what.)

Close your Eyes and Jump

2010-10-03T11:34:00.002-04:00

So as you know, I contacted an agent to help me search for a surrogate - that was about a month ago. She had some vacation planned, and we had some vacation planned...so she would touch base with us when she returned from her trip. She contacted me to tell me she had a potential surrogate, but that this surrogate couldn't start until next June. As you can imagine, this wasn't really what I wanted to hear. I asked her to continue her search, and I haven't heard anything since.

Before I contacted the agent, I joined a "surrogate mom's" online forum, mostly to see what the deal was...what people were talking about, what was out there in the way of surrogates, and information about compensation, if any. I immediately received a PM from a woman who lived in NS, but our criteria didn't align. She wished me well, and vice versa, and for a month I didn't hear a thing. With the agent actively searching on our behalf, I put my faith in her and didn't go back to the surrogates online forum.

Mere minutes after receiving the email from my agent about the woman who couldn't start in June, and feeling really quite discouraged about it all, I received an email from a woman on the online forum. She asked me if I was still interested in GS, and if so to read her information page. At first glance she seemed perfect, other than the fact that she didn't live in Toronto...BUT she isn't far either. Keep in mind this forum, and most of them, are across Canada and the US, and in some cases overseas...so to find someone who is just a short plane ride away, and within our province, is pretty good in the grand scheme of things. I contacted her right away and told her we were still looking, and she said to send her an email with our "story". Ugh...lol... I said in the email I would give her the "Coles Notes" version, but of course I am long winded and rambly, so it ended up a novel. It was worth it because it was cathartic, and anyway, I wanted her to know our story from the beginning. Actually considering all we've been through, it was fairly brief - even if it was a novel!

Within a day she emailed me back - and just like S, I got instantly excited that I may have found the right person. Her email was warm, empathetic, fun, energetic, excited, full of passion to want to do this for a couple who can't. I couldn't believe how much she was like me in her writing style, completely open, LONG AND RAMBLY, and putting it all out there. Since that first interaction, we have emailed back and forth enough for a small book, and I can't believe my luck in finding good people! Wish that luck would extend to other parts of my life, but we'll start with this.

She lives in Thunder Bay, Ontario, which is a small town on the north end of Lake Superior. A long drive north (about 17 hours), but a fairly quick and reasonable flight (about $300). She got pregnant with her first child at the age of 19, and shortly thereafter got married. During her marriage, she had a 2nd child, and has since been divorced. She and her ex have a good relationship and raise the kids together. She wants to be a nurse and is attending Lakehead University. She's 25. She loved being pregnant, and has always wanted to be a gestational surrogate for a couple like us...or a gay couple or a single woman...she was open to all arrangements, but needed it to "feel right". I think we feel AMAZING so far, about our connection and what we're about to do. She's excited, I'm excited (and a tad scared to death)... Chris...well he deals with things differently than I do, and certainly isn't against it, but he just needs a bit more time to get his head around it all. I'm the organizer, in constant search, and so fully immersed in it all... so to him it may feel quick, and I understand that. On the other hand, if we're doing this, we need to move quickly to secure our arrangement. Keep in mind that A is the PERFECT surrogate at glance, and that there are likely other couples vying for her...in fact I know this by looking on the site - there is a lot of interest.

There are still many things to discuss, some which may be deal-breakers, but it seems to be falling into place. It does have a ring of "too good to be true" about it, but I'm going to stay positive and hope everything will align.

Her one concrete stipulation is that both (or one) of us lives in Thunder Bay for the final month of the pregnancy. Actually, she wants "final trimester, or at least 6-8 weeks", but I hope we can agree to a month. I doubt both of us will be able to go, but I see Chris flying in the last week or so, to ensure he's there for the delivery. These things are non-negotiable, so if we want to go in this direction, we have to make this work.

It's not going to be easy, but I think it's going to be amazing.

Fingers crossed.

WTH you sick bastard?!

2010-09-30T13:17:00.002-04:00

When this “meeting reminder” popped up on my screen, I think I was in shock for a second or two...staring, frozen, trying to make SENSE of it all? Who would do this kind of thing? How could someone be so cruel? But I soon realized that only a dummy like me could have done something so complete stupid and ...“optimistic”. As you’ve probably realized by now, I thought it would be “neat-o” to do a meeting notice for 10 years from that date, to see where we all stood, and how many kids we all had.

Another brilliant idea.

I’m actually laughing about it now. A few years ago this type of thing might have sent me to the bathroom to collect myself, but now I just think its freakin’ hilarious – I mean, this type of thing couldn’t happen to anyone but me!

So hat’s off to you sick karmic joker – you got me good!

When One Door Closes, Another Door Opens

2010-08-17T19:51:00.004-04:00

It's been a long time my friends.

My apologies for not keeping up with the blog, but it IS a fertility related blog, and until now there has been little to report. As you all know, our last donor egg transfer didn't work...a complete and utter blow for both of us. Four perfectly good embryos from a 26 year old body, and not a glimmer of life. Since then I've been wondering WHAT IS THE POINT in continuing to transfer these quality embryos to me, if my body is just not up to the task? There IS no point...and my biggest fear was that I would potentially squander away the life of these 15 remaining embryos - my frozen little bubbies - on my busted up and pissed-off-at-the-world uterus. No. I won't do it.

My fears were only confirmed when we visited the doctor for our FU followup (for those who aren't familiar with the verbiage, yes, FU means what you think it does). He told us that my uterus was just not responding...that regardless of the textbook levels of estrogen in my body, my uterus wasn't budging...it wasn't thickening...and that there's really nothing to do at this point. Part of me was upset, of course, but a bigger part of me was relieved. I didn't really WANT the doctor to say, "let's throw another shrimp on the barbie!" And I really thought he would due to the fact that we have all of these embryos, but I would have needed him to CONVINCE me that there was something else to try...some other wonder-drug, or something drastic and hopeful. I didn't want to go through the motions, once again, only to be disappointed, ONCE AGAIN.

To be honest, I'm a little relieved for the closure. I knew it wasn't happening with my body...its fairly obvious at this point, and after 6 years of disappointment, 9 IVF's, 2 of which were donor egg and 4 surgeries later, I'm ready for the next option: Surrogacy.

GOD, can you believe me? I mean, what is wrong with me that I can't stop this merry-go-round, except it's not merry at all, it's shitty...I'm on a shitty-go-round. But I'm so determined and I can't quit now. How can I quit after 6 years of making this my ultimate goal? To everyone else it comes so easy, sure, but for me it has been a constant and unrelenting battle, and to give up now? I just can't do it people - it would be a waste of 6 years... I need to continue this path until I have absolutely ZERO options left.

But right now we have 15 frozen embryos, and would you believe there are women out there (with fluffy n' pink uterus's) who desire to carry a baby for people like us? Sounds like a solution to me.

So please cheer us on and give us your full support as we begin the journey towards surrogacy.

Week in Review

2010-06-14T09:34:00.001-04:00

Well as you know I started a “diet plan” – well I guess you could call it that, although it doesn’t much feel like a diet - probably because I haven’t starved in any way shape or form, and I’ve enjoyed all of my meals. I can’t say that Chris’s dinner of Sour Cream and Onion chips and Coffee Crisp Mini’s didn’t chant my name (overpowering the tv), but I managed to pull through with a couple of bites of his dessert...Nibs.

The day goes sort of like this... I start with a bowl of oatmeal – just the quickies you buy in the packets, you know, the reduced fat ones. The maple and brown sugar one is delicious and often people come around and ask if I’m baking a cake...it smells that good. I throw banana slices which at first I thought would be disgusting, but it was delicious. For a snack I have some almonds and some cherries, or a 70cal Special K bar – also delicious – the Almond and Peanuts is my favourite, but they also have Chocolate Crunch which I save for a chocolate craving. At 11:30 or so I have a fruit salad from downstairs. Then around 12:30 when I start to get really hungry, I have a couple of eggs, or some chicken cooked the night before, some salad...whatever kind... Another snack of whatever – fruit, almonds, maybe a yogurt... and then to the gym. For dinner I have either some brown rice pasta with a tomato sauce, or a piece of protein, (i.e. steak, chicken, pork, fish) and baked tomatoes with cheese, or asparagus on the BB, or butternut squash with a touch of honey. Dessert often is no-fat plain yogurt (and I add in a swirl of honey) over some pinapple/cherries/strawberries/blueberries – whatever you can throw in a small dish. Seems to satisfy the sweet craving I get after dinner.

Et voila – quite good – lots of choices – eating well, eating WHOLE foods, basically – little to no sauces, nothing processed, stay away from the bad carbs.

Monday, June 14. 127lb.

(holy sh*t!)

Wee House

2010-06-12T21:24:00.002-04:00

I don't care if my house is teeny weeny, or not sophisticated, or "shabby chic", we both love it, and so do our guests. We're very proud of this little dwelling and have worked hard to make it feel nice, despite it's age.

Problem is we'll eventually grow out of it.

See "George" was a laborer, an immigrant from Scotland, and he worked at Casa Loma. George had 2 pairs of work pants, 2 sets of longjohns, 2 shirts, 1 jacket and 1 ever-so-beaten pair of work boots. Hence the closets in bedrooms, which are suitable for a dude like George. Afterall, why on earth would George need a walk in? (God rest his soul.)

Our bedroom closet, clearly a design flaw, has not allowed for my (I-won't-go-into-how-much-there-really-is) wardrobe.

But oh, I do love it.

If Chris was a Woman, he'd be 500 pounds...

2010-06-07T13:47:00.003-04:00

Stepped on the scale this morning, and was left agasp.

I haven’t been exercising, actually I went to buy new running shoes about a month ago because my Achilles was really a mess and figured it was because my running shoes were 2.5 years old!!! You think??? But I haven’t been out since. Some of you know I slipped in an embryo transfer. It didn’t work – I don’t want to talk about it - let’s move on. Clearly, un-blogging about it didn’t have any kind of karmic twist or impact, so I’ll write about the next one…for those of you who love to read about train wrecks.

I have been eating whatever…especially this last weekend because when I asked Chris what he wanted to do for his birthday, he simply said,“I want cake, and I want to eat like a king." (Henry VIII that is) So from Friday night until Saturday night, I spent most of the time cooking horribly delicious things in the kitchen. I said to Chris, “the icing is good, but I feel like I’m biting into chocolate flavoured butter.” His response was, “and the problem with that would be…???”

It’s no wonder the scale read 135 this morning. I did the early morning quick rub of the eyes for clarity… still 135. This can’t be. Repeat steps, reset scale, step back on…136 – GAAAH! In under 20 seconds I gained another lb? This is an outrage!

It does appear hopeless, but fear not, on the subway this morning the hunger to lose weight began to build, which is all it takes for me to get serious. Time to get moving again.

By the time I stepped off the subway platform (and I’m sure I felt the subway rear back to its level position) I knew I needed to lose 10 lb’s. Damn…where is that Steven King gypsy to make me thinner ? Maybe instead of caressing my face and saying “thinner” and ultimately causing my demise, he could rub my face and say “slightly thinner, in the manner of 10-15 lb’s.”

Today’s menu has so far consisted of black decaf (I know…), a huge bowl of delicious fruit from Onorios which I swear is the best deal in town. The fruit is always ripe and perfect, no hard bits or too much rind of anything. Everything is so fresh and juicy – and there’s a HUGE amount of it…for $4.00. Best deal ever. For lunch I had spinach salad more or less dry save the one tablespoon of dressing, sunflower seeds, and 2 hard boiled eggs.

Off to a good start.

I called the dumb gym downstairs to re-activate my account. It’s dumb because its small and has next to nothing in it. But see, I have a hard time going home and going back out. For a while there I would force myself to go directly upstairs and put on my gear. I had to stay very focussed - just eyes forward so as to not distract myself with Miss Vicky’s chips left out on the counter, or the mail that has to be brought in, or the flowers that need to be watered, or sparkly pretty things… but it wasn’t easy and often by the time I reached the top step I was out of breath and talking myself out of it.

Let me tell you that 3 weeks of that attitude and we’ve got ourselves a situation…and not the Jersey Shore kind. I’ll never be skinny and I don’t want to be, but I want to appear as firm as possible. The fat rarely budges these days, but the muscle underneath can be toned… not to mention the health aspect of eating clean and forcing your heart to pump.

Monday, June 7. 135lb.

Lilac

2010-05-15T08:49:00.006-04:00

I can't deny my passion for all things floral - especially when they are lavender color and easy on the eyes as well as the senses. These stolen gems have filled our house with the aroma of spring and a sense of calm...

(No I am not the thief, that would be my neighbor who came over last night with a smile and a suspicious handful of lilac. Who am I to judge? Love thy neighbor and all that...)

Coffee

2010-05-14T09:30:00.006-04:00

I’m not a big coffee drinker, never have been, but every so often I’d have that first sip at my desk and it would be oh-so-good that it would make me moan out loud. “mmmmmm… good stuff…” One of life’s simple little pleasures. But I read recently that caffeine is bad for my lining…and now we’re on a mission to get it as fluffy as possible. So I drink decaf now…and wow does it suck.

When I quit regular coffee it was an assault to my system like no other, and it’s not even like I had that much. In fact, I rarely drank more than one coffee a day (granted I had a large). But there couldn’t possibly have been that much caffeine in my system to justify three weeks of crippling headaches. At first I doubted it and tried to pin the headaches on something else…like weather pressure or lack of sleep or stiff muscles in my back. But every time I mentioned I’d quit caffeine people would go on and on about how bad the headache can be…and how long it can last (they'd say between frantic sips of their own addictive variety).

But I did it – I quit and now I have Saturdays. Saturdays are my day to indulge, and I have a Tim Horton’s at the foot of my back alley. I literally climb out of bed, use a facecloth to get rid of my eye crusties, run a brush through my hair, throw on track pants and a baseball hat and stumble out the back door. That one paper cup of caffeinated sin has become the best thing about my weekends.

So happy weekend everyone!

________________________________________________

A Man Fainted at the Clinic Today

2010-05-13T13:21:00.002-04:00

He was getting blood drawn for the first time.

Ninny.

Isn't it Ironic? Don't you think?

2010-05-09T09:01:00.002-04:00

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
Vaginal ultrasound...on Mo-o-ther's day
Who would've thought... it figures

Friends

2010-05-08T20:13:00.006-04:00

When I was younger, I had very few good friends. I never felt like I quite was "wanted" as a friend. Friends would make plans, and I would wonder if I would be invited. Everyone seemed to have a clique of their own, and I was the floater. It meant I was never part of the core group. Don't get me wrong, I had some very good friends, but I envied those groups that were complete within their members...impenetrable.

In an attempt to find my own clique I happened across a few fake friends... it was a high school desperation thing...I didn't want to be alone.

When I was in grade 9, I got chased into the 2nd foor bathroom by two girls who called me a friend the day prior. I never could understand how a) girls could be so cruel, and b) how quickly they turned. I remember being in that bathroom, standing on the toilet, shaking from head to toe...my chest heaving, my blood racing, the tears welling. "You're fucking dead" is what they said to me when I walked out of the gym that day. I had done nothing wrong... they were just mean girls. Over the next few days it resolved itself, although the three of us were never friends again. But the damage of that day stayed with me for a very long time. I learned that day that you couldn't trust anyone.

I haven't always been the best friend I can be either - absolutely not. There are lots of things I regret doing - short cuts that were obvious, gossip that came full circle, disloyalty, and occasionally a very disappointed friend. This was mostly in my 20's - and those days I am not proud of in many respects. I have seen friends walk away, and in hindsight, I can't say I blame them. It was difficult with me...I was insecure, nervous, scared to be somewhere I didn't want to be...scared to trust. I bailed a lot.

One day a friend said to me, "You're a total bailer." I remember it felt like a slap in the face, but at the same time I knew she was right - I WAS a total bailer. Hey, the truth hurts. But then I set out to prove her wrong. Now I'm committed - if I say I'm going to be there, I'll be there. Unless I'm ill - and I don't lie about it.

Social anxiety plagued me for years, and to a certain degree it still does. There are some people and some situations that still rattle me - not my close friends - but more the acquaintances I've met along the way. This city is tough and everyone's trying to be "perfect", why I don't know. It's total bullshit, but it's how this city runs. I hate small talk and it's those "so what have you been up to?" situations that rev my anxiety. And I don't know about you but there are days I am just not "on" and on those days it's hard for me to snap out of it.

It's taken me a long time to get to this point and I realize now that I have great friends. No one's going anywhere and I truly feel the friends I have now will be the friends I have for life. I feel like people get me now and that I've tapped into something special. I realize I don't HAVE to be a perfect friend anymore...I just have to be a friend. I especially relate to my friends who can admit their faults and issues in life. The ones who don't act like everything's always rosy - 'cause let's face it - everyone's got their own crap to deal with.

I'm happy now with this part of my life - and I've worked hard to get here. The ones that mattered, I didn't let get away...the ones who chose to walk away, would have done so eventually, even if I had tried to stop them.

Sure there's always room for improvement but I promise to be less hard on myself. Maybe that's the key right there - maybe I just need to be a better friend to my self, in order to be a better friend to others.

Nuthin' Spesh...

2010-04-24T08:34:00.003-04:00

Nothing earth-shattering or new...just in the limbo stages between transfers. On Tuesday I had the usual blood work and ultrasound done. Everything is ok except that my lining is "quite thin". It's a bit unnerving considering it's a main reason for a failed transfer, but the nurse told me that the doctor is putting me on a certain drug to thicken the lining. I can't remember the name of the drug, but when they are offering me information without too much prying, I am NOT going to push my luck...but it was different than just Estrace/estrogen. Anything to supercharge growth down there is ok by me.

S (my lovely donor) has sent the occasional email from Mexico. It is always so nice to hear from her. She's so sweet and sincere and always concerned and praying for us. I'm so glad she is the donor, I couldn't imagine anyone else at this point. She hasn't had a period since...well since we induced one and it wasn't impressive, but prior to that it was in Finland late last summer. I think the clinic is having her in when she returns from Mexico to see if they can help get her cycles back to normal...and of course we will help her as much as we can.

This week is Day 21 (Thursday) and I go in for another routine check - just to see what's going on down there.

On a more personal note, the staff at the clinic have been really great. There's been a shift in the way everyone communicates and it's really lightened the mood. I hope it's truly sincere on their part although who knows... That's the thing about private business. Do they really want to be nice and have a much smoother interaction with their customers/patients? Or are they scared of losing their jobs?

At this point the motivating factor doesn't really matter - I'm just going to roll with it!

2010-04-17T12:32:00.007-04:00

Oh it sucks, you know it does...but it is a necessary evil. And one can't deny that the feeling once it's DONE is like no other. I've been really trying to stay on track since my coach/motivator/BFF/work partner and fashion twin is having a baby - TODAY, yes today I said. They just broke her water and she texted me "we'll see what happens now." Its uber exciting since she doesn't know what she's having. Anyhoo, she exercised her entire pregnancy, right up until the 11th hour so I have only been partnerless for about 3 weeks... and to be clear about how much she motivates me, its been about 3 weeks since I exercised.

But this week I got back in the game. Tuesday I ran the trail, Thursday and then again this morning. That's not bad considering I can talk myself out exercising every.single.time, which is why little miss "what else would you be doing for the next hour?" or, "you'll feel so great once it's done" or, "we're going Lisa, don't even try to get out of it." was so good for me.

Why she so disciplined? Hmmmm??

As I sprint towards my 42 birthday, I find it much easier to relax and have a savory snack, than to gear up for an hour of torture. But today's run was good, and I've been adding a little bit of extra torture just because if I'm already torturing myself, I might as well do it good. So I have been attempting to cross the bridge in lunges. On Thursday I got a third of the way across before the legs began to tremble, and today I made it half way.

Progress.

Tonight is Biryani House with the Biryani Gang- our favorite Indian restaurant...and I would just like to add that it is some of the most tastiest Indian food ever. Now I can eat guilt free knowing I took a few calories off today's total.

Look what the cat dragged in...

2010-04-14T14:04:00.003-04:00

It’s me! Back from the dead…or the huge crank I had on from the surgery and the weeks that followed. I should apologize for my absence…I have often thought of the blog, but well, I have been feeling rather lobotomized lately – void of thought or creativity. I’m certain I’ve lost some of my loyal readership, which is unfortunate because for a while there I was up to a buck and a quarter on an “important news” day…which was a great accomplishment, especially considering I know only about 7 people. My “Google Analytics” tracking shows that interest in my blog has plummeted an impressive 62%. I did it to myself…I did.

A bit about me. Well I wonder on just about an hourly basis if the D&C procedure really worked. I know I had a balloon in there for about a week and continued to eat fistfuls of Estrace tablets, but one can’t be sure. The doctor did seem optimistic when I had the balloon removed, but in my crazy mind I picture it all slowly caving in towards itself and sticking back together again.

Is the real estate now good enough for my ice bubs?

A fellow blogger referred me to a great donor egg forum…it has been fascinating and eye opening. I am not alone and many women exactly like me have had to try 2 or more egg donors before becoming successful. A lot of women get donors through agencies, and despite age and medical testing for the donor, end up with nothing. NOTHING. I simply cannot imagine. I believe as the recipients (people like me) get wiser, the agencies have to change their policies. There are a lot of agencies that are now doing insured cycles, meaning that the recipients won’t be out of pocket should the cycle be a disaster. One woman mentioned that she paid the agency fee of $6,800, waited for the donor to be free to cycle and found out she had gotten married and had become pregnant and the woman lost all of her money.

Insult to injury.

But it’s been a great resource and I’m happy to have been referred there. A woman told me the other day that the only two times she has ever been pregnant in her entire life was with her son and with her daughter, and both were from frozen embryo transfers…which I am about to do.

So just when I thought I was completely out of hope, I’ve managed to scrape a tiny little bit more off the bottom.

Calm.

2010-03-27T09:14:00.004-04:00

I had the balloon removed...heaven on earth I tell you. The crap with the clinic is over (that's another story but I don't have the energy to "go there" again), so things are finally calming down and looking up. I remember thinking "god, not ANOTHER procedure", but here we are on the other side of it, with a better looking uterus. The procedure worked and my uterus has opened up and has grown in thickness...this is very good news.

I have to have a period (or two) under my belt before we consider a transfer, so we're looking at probably an early summer cycle.

Until then, we give ourselves a chance to heal from all the drama of the past 2 weeks...

I'll tell you, this is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to fight for...I hope its not all in vain.

Thanks to everyone for all of your emails and comments! I couldn't do this without your constant encouragement and support. Love to all.

I Suck at Confrontation

2010-03-22T13:06:00.005-04:00

I hate that I just had to do that. I am a nice person who likes things harmonious and I hate having conflict. First of all I totally suck at it - it always comes out the wrong way, and secondly, someone will get in shit, and I hate being a narc.

Or will they? Will they just scoff and say "that girl is so high maintenance - she just expects us to run circles around her - who does she think she is?" Are they all having a good laugh? Or do they hate me even more now that I've had to rat them out? Does the doctor even know? I doubt A would voluntarily tell him that they dropped the ball. My impression is he's a bit of dick for a boss...I have seen him get short with his staff - he's rolled his eyes in anger in my direction...those times you can cut the tension with a knife, and I've often thought to myself "I'd hate to work here."

I called and knew A would answer the phone. She's not a nurse - she's the office co-ordinator. It went like this...

A: Dr. A's office?

L: Hi A, it's LM.

A: Oh hi dear, how are you?

(this is where it all goes down hill)

L: Fine. A, don't you normally follow up after a surgery? I was told I would get a phone call the night of, and I was told I would DEFINITELY get a call the next day...and nothing. No one has contacted me from your office.

(silence)

A: Oh... I'm... so sorry sweetie... how are you feeing now?

L: Actually I don't feel very good at all. I've been nauseated and exhausted. I have a foreign object in my body and I am calling to find out when I can get it out.

A: Let me call you back sweetie.

L: (grrrr stop calling me sweetie) Ok.

She called back to say that the longer the balloon is in the better...BECAUSE "it was a very difficult procedure". REALLY? I hadn't realized. I said "speaking of, I really don't know what happened during the procedure -why did it take 3 hours? Was it not supposed to be 40 minutes?" She said yes, but that it was "a very difficult procedure." She said that the doctor explained everything to Chris. Uh, Chris isn't a doctor - he's the spouse of a patient. I would rather hear it from the horse's mouth.

So nothing resolved really/no reprocussions for them...she'll probably whisper it to G (Bloodwench) that she forgot to follow up and G will get her nose out of joint again and act like she did nothing wrong, and ONCE AGAIN I'll be made to feel the asshole, the trouble maker, the high maintenance one.

Lose/lose.

This all needs to stop♦

2010-03-20T16:21:00.006-04:00

Its been two days since my "D&C". I believe everything went well although how would I know? I have had to ask C a million questions - he was in the room with me and watched for 3 hours while I squirmed around semi-conscious begging them to stop. But C isn't a surgeon, or a doctor, or even a nurse, just my husband, who held my hand for 3 hours and talked me through something awful and painful. Thankfully it only felt like 20 minutes, but those 20 minutes, I'm finding, were traumatic. And I thought my first egg retrieval was bad.

I made amends with the nurse. She was good to me before and after the surgery...we had spoken the day before and laughed about something...it broke the ice. After the surgery she held me tight when my legs were about to buckle...she had my back. In an effort to bury the hatchet, a very drug-induce me hugged her tight and said "I'm sorry about everything." She hugged me back and said "that's ok". As she walked me to the car where Chris was waiting with the door open, she said to both of us, "I will call you tonight, but I don't want anyone getting out of bed or rushing for the phone, if we don't make contact tonight, that's ok...but I WILL be calling you tomorrow and I WILL need to speak with you or C...we need to make sure everything's ok."

For once I felt she cared, that the whole office cared...she was sincere and she had also burried the hatchet. I felt like I was back on track with the clinic. That was Thursday, it's now Saturday night and I have not heard from anyone at that office, not even the doctor. Yesterday I cried my eyes out about this - how could they just leave us hanging like this? How could they forget my crying out and begging for them to stop? Surely someone would have thought to follow up... but I guess not even the doctor did, because this would have prompted a call.

I feel so totally let down. Maybe the drugs and the recovery are making me more sad and dramatic than usual... but I'm tired of being "fine" - putting on a brave face. I need to be upset.

Who knows if I'm healing properly? We don't. We don't know anything. Yesterday I threw up twice, and today thankfully, only once. I know this might sound silly, but over my dead body was I calling that clinic. They've wormed their way out of other screw ups a bunch of times before, and I wasn't about to risk looking the idiot, again, and having them say"we were just ABOUT to call you "sweetie"...you beat us to the punch." No way...because it would have been a lie.

And other than Chris's account, which is reassuring, yet understandably incomplete, I know very little about what was done to my body.

"Oh God, you're a "Returner" aren't you?!"

2010-03-15T13:21:00.008-04:00

What's that? Come again? I didn't realize that there was a name for people like me...people who buy things, and often have an error in judgment. People who realize that the item du jour doesn't really work with the season or the wardrobe, and end up RETURNING the item. I didn't realize it was a bad thing...maybe a little annoying for the merchant, but not, like, illegal or anything.

I took back the shoes. HEAR ME OUT! Throughout the past week and a bit, when I have been getting dressed, I have sometimes slipped on the shoes to see if THAT outfit worked with the shoes...its not like my style is incredibly diverse - rather quite simple, so if the shoes don't work with simple jeans and a tank, then I probably won't wear them at all. I have no weddings or showers to attend this summer, and let's face it, they are more weddingy than funky.

I had another look on the site, because exchange or credit note were my options (I guess I could also be labelled an "Exchanger") and found a much more suitable "fun" shoe that will be a lot more versatile. A chunkier heel, a bit more laid back as opposed to all grown up and lady like.

Do you think I should own my own shoe store? I do...I very much do.

D&C Me!

2010-03-09T19:05:00.002-05:00

Don't be fooled by my title, I'm not really that excited to have my uterus gutted and scraped like a pumpkin at Halloween, but it's a necessary procedure.

The doctor is still very hopeful. Maybe he's a bit "challenged". I wish I could feel the same way. I apologized (in jest) for ruining his stats. He smirked and said not to worry about his stats.

The sooner the better really..I'm tired of living in this Limboland..it sucks and C & I both need a new direction if this isn't going to work.

I figure we'll get this scrapey business dealt with and then we can transfer to our heart's content... but we WILL be saving some embies for a surrogate.

Any takers?

Be Still, My Heart

2010-03-05T19:16:00.005-05:00

Oh how I love them so. It was love at first sight. At the first moment our eyes met, I knew it was meant to be...but it was scandalous, and I wondered if I could justify such an extravagant purchase.

See, N went into the store to buy a messenger bag for her husband, and I was not to buy anything at all, but this is what happens, see...with both of us...and then N was all "I LOVE them. NO...I freakin' LOOOOVE them. You HAVE to buy those Lis, you HAVE to...they are SO GORGEOUS." I have to admit they do look fantastic on my feet and WOW talk about comfortable...they are really easy to wear/walk in. Worth it? I'd say!

Sold.

(Let me just say, however, that they are not white. I really hate white shoes...and I did have a bit of an issue buying the bone color. They came in black and red, BUT the bone ones looked so cool and edgy with my black jeans and my almost black toes... I tried on the black ones, but they just weren't really doing it for me...and red is out because I'm just not a fan. They are not as white as they appear in the picture - the flash did that. Think a little paler than beige, but not quite a true bone either.)

Remember the Shoes?

2010-03-04T14:38:00.004-05:00

I was so happy when our tiny mail delivery person came around the corner with my bright yellow happy smiley-faced Zappo’s box, singing "Oooooweee Leeeeesaaaaa, how aaaaaaaare yooooooooooou?? I have a package forrrrryoooooou!!” I’ve never known anyone to like me more than she does, which kindof makes me feel good, even though she’s a bit of an odd duck which is probably why she likes me so much…because she’s weird and I attract weirdos… ‘cause I’m nice…even though that certainly wasn’t a very nice thing to say but it's just a fact. Anyway, I signed for the package and off she scurried. I decided to take the shoes home (but not the box) so I could try them on without having to lug the box back and forth if they needed to be returned… The entire way home I was dreaming up outfits that would complement my fabulous new shoes. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping...the smell of spring and BBQ's in the air. I came up with 2 possible scenarios…very pleased with myself.

1. Skinny jeans, longish tank, chunky necklace
2. Pencil or tulip skirt, flirty blouse

Well…I’m sad to announce, that they are currently on a ship back to Zappoland.

Who the hell can wear these things? During my search did I unknowingly click on “Hooker Heels”? Was there a subsection called “Achy Breaky Neck”? Unwilling to admit I had once again failed to purchased a SINGLE wearable on-line item, I stubbornly proceeded to my makeshift runway (the hallway). I wasn’t going to give up, dammit, I had spent my 20’s & 30’s in high heels. I am WOMAN.

I balanced myself, took a deep breath and proceeded to take my first step…hoookaaay…by step #2 I knew this wasn’t going to work. I threw myself down on the floor in a strop and unlatched the ankle straps, one by one. I stuffed them back into the bag and mumbled to myself, “not a chance in HELL.”

I was so depressed that my first attempt at buying shoes on line had gone so sour, that I treated myself to a delivery from Victoria Secret…a bathing suit, which I have not a shred of doubt will fit me like a glove.

I Kinda Like Shoes

2010-02-26T14:31:00.001-05:00

I bought these today in the event that I might,some day, be invited to something fabulous...like a wedding. I can't really wear them for downtown summer dinners, because Toronto streets are ankle breakers at the best of times, nevermind 5" heels, and I can't wear them to the elusive Garden Party I've been talking about for 10 years beause I'll sink into the grass and hurt myself, or complain the entire time which would literally be the end of my marriage...and I can't wear them to a friend's house because the girls will laugh at me and call me a midget on stilts...so yep it has to be a wedding. I need one of my friend to get divorced right now and find a new man before platforms become the trend that never quite was.

Whatever it is, make sure you give me enough time to find a dress, because I have got nothing to go with these beauties.

Oh how I love them so.

Conversations in Hell

2010-02-22T13:32:00.001-05:00

For anyone who knows me in real life, they would probably admit that I'm a fairly friendly person with an open type personality. I like to chat with people, and I’ve made a lot of friends over the years. This is a good thing, I can’t deny it, but having worked in this building for 10 years, occassionally you bump into someone you haven't seen in a long time, and the awkward conversation begins.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, what have you been up to?”

See…the thing about women with children, or soon-to-be-mothers, is that they can always default to their kids as a topic of conversation. Answers to the above question often go like this…

“Well the kids are getting soooo big now – Joey’s starting pre-school ½ days this year and Sandra has her first tooth!”

Or

“Just waiting to see what this little one’s going to be.” (rubs belly and smiles)

Or

“The kids are both enrolled in hockey, so I’ve become one of those annoying hockey mom’s. Hahahaaa!”

I hear it ALL the time. It’s an easy way out of a conversation when you have nothing of much interest to say about yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do it myself – happily – because that’s life…eventually your world becomes all about the kids and THANK GOD for that because otherwise what the hell would you have to talk about? Admit it – you do it – especially when you’re annoyed that you have to have this conversation in the first place…after all, all you really wanted was to just get yourself a chai latte.

I found myself faced with this conversation the other day, and I might add for flavour, that it was a mere 20 minutes after I’d gotten the dreaded BFN phone call. It was unexpected (as they usually are) and the question was thrown at me like I was center stage with a spot light on me. And nothing…I’ve got nothing. Blanco de Mayo. I suppose my conversations could go like this…”

“Well we’ve just finished a SEVENTH fertility procedure…and I just found out it was negative!”

Or

“Well yesterday…let’s see what did I do yesterday…oh that’s right I spent the day on the couch because everything was clean and there’s no kids to take care of…so…”

Or

“My husband and I are very depressed these days, so we don’t really do much…plus we’re always broke from failed fertility treatments. You?”

Talking about planning a trip to New York or the Caribbean or enrolling in a course in the spring just sounds like you’re trying too hard (and would have been a lie) …so what I actually said was, “Oh, not a whole lot, what about you?” (deflection)

Now being a woman in her late 50’s I expected to hear stories of Florida or the Caribbean, about how they were buying a cottage up north, or something to do with work. Her reply?

“Well!!! I just became a grandmother for the first time!!!”

Urgh. Seriously? WTF Universe?

BFN

2010-02-19T17:45:00.001-05:00

I know you are all waiting for a post...so I thought I should put you out of your misery. Yep, its a negative...quite the shock really, considering this is supposed to WORK. But there you have it. Life isn't always a box of chocolates.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support...it is hard to get through this, but so much easier with the amazing support of everyone - my family, my friends and my Peaches.

Love to you all.
xo

Butterflies

2010-02-19T12:04:00.003-05:00

I can't handle this feeling in my stomach. It is flipping over and over and over as I watch the clock and realize my entire world could change within a few moments.

My entire torso is locked and heated...my face is flush and my palms sweaty. I think I'm having a heart attack. This is the problem with this type of thing...there is so much build up and so much at stake.

I feel like the world is waiting.

Don't get too excited...ok?

2010-02-18T16:18:00.001-05:00

Today I'm a shining example of a woman who is clearly pre-menstrual. I'm feeling fat and bloated, I'm irritated by everyone, I have cramps, my back hurts and I'm burning up...which I *think* means my temperature dropped...that would make sense right? I think I've had this before - really hot, like an overheated feeling right before getting my period. I think I will probably get it tomorrow, if my theory is correct. But then I'm not sure about that because when you have a fever, you get the chills - oh wait, yes, that makes sense...but then sometimes mom will say, "you're burning up." So what the hell? Someone answer my damn question!! Why am I literally roasting when its -5 outside?

I really miss Cleo. Normal routine things that she was a part of are what's upsetting me the most. Like when I'd shower in the morning she'd always be in the bathroom with me. It was our washing up time...I would use a sponge and she would use her tongue. If she missed the window of opportunity to get inside before I shut the door, she would wait outside and then give me a really irritated meow. I'd just shrug...gotta show up on time - no time for tardy kittens.

She loved the heat in there...and would plant herself in front of the vent. And when I blowdried my hair, she'd get a 5 second blast all over her body. That was her fave. I miss routine stuff like that...now I'm all alone (YES, Chris lives here, but this is my alone time...which was always spent with her). I hate that I just came home to an empty house...she would always greet me in the kitchen. I'm realizing today just how much I talked to her, like she was a person.

Sigh. I don't think I'm pregnant so I'm warning you all now. I'm not trying to be Neggy Nelly, I'm just being realistic. And I don't want anyone getting too upset (me included). I don't like to dwell on awlful things, I like to move on...so move on with me - quickly.

An Egg Donation Child

2010-02-17T17:18:00.001-05:00

I stumbled upon this video and just had to post it. I think this girl has an amazing attitude and I love how she feels unique. I'm glad I found this today...and I hope it's a sign.

My Cleo

2010-02-17T09:09:00.002-05:00

Today I had to say goodbye and it was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time. You were my baby from the minute I got you from the cat rescue. I was promised to another kitten, but she was not well...so they changed last minute to you. I remember being so upset at the time, because until that moment, my heart belonged to the other cat, but you took to me instantly, and I fell in love.

The only time you got mad at me, was when I stopped massaging you...you hated it when I stopped (understandable). I'm happy that we spent a lot of our time watching TV together, you in my lap.

I'm sorry that the day you fell off the roof on Merton Avenue, I couldn't find you. I looked and looked for days, and posted signs...but nothing. On the day I was giving up all hope, I walked around the building one last time. I remember it was so hot - one of those scorching Toronto summer days, and the wind was so strong and hot that it felt like a hairdryer. I called out for you but I couldn't hear anything but the sound of the wind and the trees clashing together. For one tiny second, it all calmed and I heard your tiny meow calling out to me. I carried you home and I remember such a sense of relief. You purred as soon as you were inside and safe.

I'm sorry that for 10 months I had a boyfriend who pressured me to keep you off the bed, and I'm sorry that was a struggle between us. It was a loft with no doors, and your instict was to sleep with me. I'm sorry I shut you out to accommodate him...and I'm sorry his demands caused me to be frustrated with you. I wish I could turn back time and ask him to leave.

But we had a very happy life together you and me. You followed me around like a dog and were always available for a cuddle. You loved me and I loved you so much in return.

I hope you are in kitten heaven now, with a young body, a bowl of cream and some fresh catnip.

I love you Bubby.

EPS or just Progesterone?

2010-02-15T11:25:00.001-05:00

Well its Monday…4 more sleeps until we find out if my potential little people seeds (hereinafter referred to as “PLPS”) burrowed in for the night + 270 give or take a day or two.

This 2WW doesn’t feel any different than any other 2WW – whether it was TTC naturally, or with an IVF. Pretty much the same symptoms, which can be attributed to, no doubt, the trickiest of all hormones…PROGESTERONE. When a woman becomes pregnant naturally, she produces more progesterone – it is the lifeline for an embryo…without it an embryo can’t thrive… During the IVF process, all systems are shut down…so once the transfer happens, progesterone has to be pumped in manually to keep those little PLPS kickin’. Aaaand of course the progesterone related symptoms are the ones that make you feel pregnant…like sore boobs, crampy feelings, dizziness, etc.

So really, when you do IVF you can’t know AT ALL (other than intuition) if you are pregnant or not. Oh, and trust me I don’t have the intuition gene because I have convinced myself “this could be it!” far too many a time to count. Clearly I have no idea.

So we wait…

Goodbye S

2010-02-12T08:33:00.001-05:00

Salla's part of this journey has come to an end.

Part of me feels a bit of loss...because she's been such an incredible part of my life for the past few months. But this was the nature of our arrangement...that it would only be for a brief moment in time. It's just not in my nature to stop being friends with people I care about...and that's exactly what this feels like.

I didn't realize it would be so hard.

I miss her. But I know she needs to get on with her life, as do I. I want her to know that even though a distance will grow between us, she will always be my friend.

Transfer

2010-02-10T11:23:00.001-05:00

It was a bit of a reality check. My lining is nosogood. The doctor suspected it would NOT have increased from last week and he was mostly right. However, there were some measurements on the monitor (Chris was watching like a hawk) that indicated a lining of 9 something - but the initial count was 6.5. I think its different depending on where you are in the uterus - some parts will be more plush and some thinner.

The discussion was about whether or not to optimize our chances by putting in 3 great embryos, or to try 2, see what happens, and know that there are AT LEAST 6 MORE TRANSFERS!!

The procedure he wants to do (if this fails) he says he has very good luck with. Basically he D&C's the lining, and inserts a high quality inverted triangle shaped balloon that keeps the edges of the uterus from caving in as it heals. (Yes, I had one from the hospital but it was round and he says hospitals use the cheapest things they can get...so his version would work a lot better.) So transfer 3 and optimize our chances?? BUT then potentially lose 3 great 8-cell Grade 1 embryos...or transfer 2, see what happens, and then we have the other 5 that are being frozen today, in addition to the 16 we have frozen from Day 1. All of the embryos seem to be very good.

So...we decided to transfer 2 of the very best 8-cell Grade 1 embryos. They were surprised the uterus was as open as it was - it looked more round today than the narrow shape it has been before - so he was pleasantly surprised by that. Chances are ok...great embryos, but my lining unfortunately, decreases my chances.

So that's the latest! I have to go in on Friday so they can check all of my levels. Embryo(s) should be implanting about Friday so they want to make sure I have a good balance of estrogen/progesterone.

I'm going to laze around today but I'm not going to be overly cautious. I was really relaxed in the transfer room, and I just want to feel that way about everything...and I want to get up and make a cup of tea if I want... So I'm going to just take it easy and then tomorrow back to normal!

"All 7 are dividing nicely and are of good quality."

2010-02-09T15:16:00.001-05:00

What more can you say about that? Things are really looking good!

Transfer is tomorrow at 9:30. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 10 days!! Omg the suspense!

Fertilization Report

2010-02-09T08:43:00.001-05:00

I am so scared to write anything positive for fear I might jinx the entire thing, but I can't deny that things have taken a turn for the better. I find myself asking "Is my luck finally turning around?" but then I quickly shake the thought out of my head for fear it will come back to haunt me. This is how 4 years of infertility affects the psyche. 4 years of awful and invasive treatment. 4 years of watching everyone I know announce their pregnancies with such excitement. 4 years of being left out. 4 years of cold hearted nurses who couldn't care less. 4 years of disappointment. 4 years of putting every ounce of energy I have towards this cause. For this reason it's hard for me to get excited. Chris said to me the other day, "37 honey - why don't you seem very excited about this?" I felt bad because although I was very pleased, I probably wasn't celebrating that small victory like I should have been, but there's so many hurdles to get through in this process...this is just the beginning.

I'm happy to report, however, that of the 37 follicles retrieved from S on Sunday, 28 of them were mature!!! Of those 28 mature eggs, 23 fertilized normally. Of those 23 that fertilized normally, 16 were automatically frozen, for possible future use...which leaves us with 7 little fighters in the here and now.

We'll know more today about the quality of our 7 little embies and when the transfer will be...so stay tuned!

I feel like the collective hope of my friends and family, the prayers, the Novenas, the lighting of the candles...it's all helping to move things along...from one step to the next. I can't express to you how much you've all helped me through. I can't imagine going through this alone. I think about women 40 years ago who had no options and had to fight infertility in silence. And of course it was "her" fault... These thoughts break my heart because I've been so lucky to have had such amazing support.

Thank you.

My Donor had her Egg Retrieval Today - and she was Amazing

2010-02-07T15:41:00.001-05:00

(yes I changed the title...the more I looked at it the more I felt it was not me...even though it was a complete joke...and I thought it felt a bit jinx-y, so I changed it...because now is not the time to get cocky.

My kickass donor had her ER today and produced an applause-worthy 37 follicles!! She did say from the beginning that she wanted her eggs to be the best! Well I think she might have just won the Gold Medal in the 2010 Donor Olympics.

We want to send S all the love in the world...so please tell her how wonderful she is, and let's hope she gets better very soon. I know she will have to be careful over the next week and I plan to watch her like a hawk. I don't want her getting sick or ending up in the hospital...so speedy recovery wishes welcome!

Tomorrow we'll see how many eggs were in those follicles, and how many fertilized. The staff at the clinic are talking to me in "batches". "The first batch will be frozen tomorrow, and the 2nd batch will be frozen on Day 3, and the 3rd batch will be frozen on Day 5..."

I feel like I've won the lottery, and if I never get pregnant, I will remember this as a triumphant day.

Retrieval Day!

2010-02-07T08:31:00.001-05:00

Omigosh I can't believe this day is finally here. Chris is on his way down to the clinic to make his deposit, and S should be having her procedure as I type this. I can only hope that they have given her enough drugs to make the whole thing bearable...after all, the clinics here insist on having you awake for the procedure...I dunno, beats me.

To be honest with you, today will be a surprise, not only for you, but for me. I have NOT A CLUE on the number of follicles that they are hoping to retrieve. Not a clue. It could be 2 (unlikely) it could be 5 - 8 - 10??? I honestly have no idea whatsoever. I've decided to take a practical approach and get double digits out of my head and hope for greater than 5. Two nice embies and a couple to freeze would be all a girl could hope for.. Of course I want more...but we all know my past...so let's just stay cautious.

Wish us luck!!!

Allergic Reaction...Must Be The Meds

2010-02-04T18:38:00.001-05:00

As you all know I'm gearing up for a donor embryo transfer...so I've been taking a double dose of Estrace because my lining really needs the boost. The doctor told me it might make me sick, because its more than the norm. I have felt mild dizziness but that's about it - and I have managed to continue on doing what I do.

Yesterday Nicole and I went to the gym to do a bit of a workout since we haven't been doing much lately. We normally run outside, but she's 7 months pregnant and needs to dial it back a bit. So we hit the treadmill and were power walking uphill. I noticed my hands started to get really itchy, but figured it was from swinging them while walking - too much blood to that area, but whatever... continued on, and then we decided we would do some weights, lunges, etc., nothing too strenuous. Well I eventually had to stop because my hands were really red and they were starting to swell. By the time I got home my hands were like balloons but I kept an eye on them and they eventually calmed down.

So today I have a massage booked to try to calm me down because the nurse at the clinic makes my blood boil every time I speak to her, and I need to be relaxed (come to think of it, I should send her the bill). Anyway, I'm lying on the massage table with my face in that little donut thing getting my back massaged. I noticed some tingling in my lips and figured it was just blood rushing to my face having it stuffed through this little hole. She eventually flips me over and I feel swollen, but I can't see myself...and I say "I must be retaining water or something from the drugs I'm on." She finishes up the massage and leaves the room. I'm getting dressed but something's wrong...so I head to the tiny mirror they have beside the door and flip on the light. To my horror, I am looking at someone unrecognizable. My face has completely swollen up - my eyes are two little peas and my eyelids are buried. The corners of the inside of my eyes where my tear ducts are can't be seen, and are flush with my nose...my lips are huge. I wonder how on earth I'm going to get out of here without someone I work with seeing me in the lobby (yes I realize I'm more concerned with my looks than anaphylactic shock.)

I call Chris from the little room (we work in the same building) and tell him he has to help me...and to bring icepacks. He comes in and says "you're having an allergic reaction." On our way home, I said to Chris, "you know, I have just waiting for this day to come because my mother started to have reactions when she was about this age. She had a severe reaction when she went to a salon and used..." and as the words were coming out of my mouth, the blood drained from my face...OMG MY MOTHER HAD A REACTION TO WHEAT GERM SHAMPOO!!! I have been taking 2 huge liquid gels of wheat germ oil for 2 weeks now because it is known to increase the thickness of your lining. Ok now picture Chris's face as it changed from the look of concern to OMG you are so dumb.

It all makes sense now doesn't it? I'm having a reaction to the very thing my mother did. It's weird that I didn't make that connection, but that is most definitely the reason for this reaction, and it's just been slowly building up in my system.

DOH!!!

Donor Egg IVF Treatment Package

2010-02-03T09:49:00.001-05:00

Thank you for your interest in the Donor Egg IVF Treatment Package. This package has been specially designed for those women who find themselves unable to conceive their own biological children. We realize that some of our patients may have endured years of pain and failed IVF attempts, and we want to ensure you are given a final kick, while you’re down. Our treatment includes some of the most negative attitudes and moods you will experience during your cycle. We will ensure you feel like you are the most unimportant person at the clinic…after all the needs of our patients come last.

Although our staff will have nothing to do with any of the logistics with respect to finding a donor and completing the psych counselling and legal paperwork, we will act as if we have done all the work for you, and will act annoyed when you ask any questions with respect to how things are progressing. We will turn a blind eye to the amount of commitment, both financially and emotionally you have invested into this one attempt, and will ensure you are kept in the dark.

With fresh feelings of grief and loss, you can rest assured our staff will make you feel like you don’t exist and that this treatment is a burden for all of us. We know you will be delighted with this Package that the staff here at the clinic have designed especially for you. We are here for you…and you can count on us.

Disclaimer: this by no stretch of the imagination includes my doctor who I think is the bomb…it is a select few at the clinic and the rest are lovely.

This is all about me...so why do I feel so left out?

2010-01-31T09:05:00.000-05:00

Something is going on here...but I'm not sure what it is. I love my clinic, I really do, but getting information is like pulling teeth. I'm paying a kabillion dollars for this cycle, you'd think I'd be in on the details, but I feel like they are acting like telling me information is something they shouldn't be doing, or that its confidential to S?? Maybe??? But do they realize that I am paying the bill here? Do they realize that S and I have emailed almost every day since I met her back in November?? Do they not realize that we tell each other everything? HELLO!! I AM THE AGENT. I placed the ad, I interviewed the girls, I organized the physical and bloodwork, I contracted my lawyer and the lawyer for S, I scheduled her psych eval...I should know EVERYTHING. AND I'm also the person paying for this entire party AND if this was my own cycle, I would know everything....so as the agent AND the recipient, don't I have the right to know? I feel like they are acting like my donor IVF is causing them to be too busy to be catering to my every whim. But but but...I did all the work (shrug).

I feel so left out.

S went to the clinic on Friday for bloodwork & ultrasound, you know, the ushe. In the past when I have gone to the clinic, they have called me about 1:00 to give me the results, i.e., "your ovaries suck, you have 1, 11mm follicle on the right, and 1, 18mm follicle on the left, which spells C.A.N.C.E.L." But now that S is going into the clinic, I don't get an update? She is me. I am her. She is my stand in...she is my stunt double. I'm not even sure they are telling her anything other than "you're doing well."

They had NO intention of calling me on Friday, they only called because they couldn't get in touch with S - and this was at 4:00pm. She said "I'm really sorry to bother you hon, but we've been trying to get in touch with S all afternoon." (turns out there was something wrong with S's phone but she was waiting for the call). But its clear they wouldn't have called me. Before she hung up, I said "um, A? Can I ask how things went with S today? like can you tell me anything about follicles??" She said hesitantly, "ummm, sure honey...uh well we can't tell you about follicles because we don't measure them until they reach 10mm, but her estrogen level rose nicely."

S goes into the clinic today - we'll see if I get a call, and if I don't, I'm going to talk to the doctor about updates. As far as I'm concerned there only needs to be one phone call - and that's to me unless S needs to change her meds...and then in that case 2 phone calls need to be made.

Am I crazy? Can those of you who have done donor eggs tell me if they updated you while your donor was stimulating? Am I being unreasonable?

DAY, er. TWO!!!

2010-01-25T14:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was to be a big “post” day – it was Day 1, and I was to write a big fun something-or-other to mark the beginning of an exciting chapter. But it was also the first day to purge myself of anything that might adversely affect my treatment…and by 3:00pm I had to lie down my head was pounding so hard. I wondered what on earth could have given me this kind of evil headache…and then I remembered…lack of caffeine.

I have ONE cup of Tetley tea a day. ONE cup…so I find it odd that my body would have pins and needle pains, soreness and headache just because I decided to have a decaf instead. Yet, it’s the only thing I can peg it to.

Anyway, Day 2! Here we are!

Tomorrow both S and I will go to the clinic for blood work and ultrasounds. She’ll leave with stimulation drugs and I will leave with Estrace to build my lining up for the transfer. Other than the stress involved with this cycle, the financial strain and the lack of control, it will be a fairly easy cycle for me. I basically ride it out until the transfer…which is a snap. It’s the upside of having an egg donor I suppose…well there are several actually… but there should be, because to get here, you have to have dealt with a lot of crap.

Analogy of an Egg Donation: Cake

2010-01-21T09:39:00.001-05:00

As you can imagine, my mind is spinning out of control these days. I think about a baby, I think about twins. I think about happy baby showers where I get to be the guest of honor. I think about pregnancy tests and getting fat and maternity clothes and butterfly mobiles. I think about Chris and what a great dad he’ll be. I think about lawyers and stimulation drugs and when I will get my damn period. My head is constantly swirling with thoughts, about how this baby will turn out, and if it will be at all like me.

Then I started to think about cake…

A cook book will have a recipe for Cake. It will list, with specific measurement, the ingredients to be used, and give clear instructions on how to prepare it. The pan will be greased, the oven will be set, the ingredients mixed…but will the cake turn out the same every single time? If 50 women from around the world all baked this cake, would it taste the same?

Of course it wouldn’t…

An extra pinch of salt, the varying degrees of each oven…eggs produced by chickens who feed from different grain… Yes, the ingredients are all the same. There is flour, and milk and eggs and all the things necessary to make the batter rise, but there’s something about each individual cake that set’s it apart from the rest, and it boils down to one simple difference. The baker.

While we take this short break...

2010-01-19T18:32:00.000-05:00

Let's talk SLAP CHOP!

My brother got me this for Xmas. I could not have been happier - I think I squealed like a little girl - my reaction may have even been a little embarrassing, but I could not contain my excitement. I mean have you SEEN Vince in action? He makes it look so easy. I often find myself in the "As Seen on TV" shop in the mall, mesmerized by this product. "Fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini!"

Let's see if this mother works...

I started with onion - you know "the skin comes right off!" I needed to put this to the test. Yes, it does separate from the onion, but not as easily as it does in the infomercial, some half-cut onion comes with it...

Its ok - I gave it another couple of slaps, and things worked out nicely.

Onto halved tomatos, seeds removed. It doesn't work. It won't cut it at all - like trying to cut leather. But if you cut it down a little into chunks it dices up quite easily...just one more little step there...

Can it do Cilantro? Yes it can!

Et voila! The final product...perfect fresh Salsa!

Now, is it all it's cracked up to be? Hmmmm...perhaps not. When I watch Vince do it, things slice apart a little too easily - like his own personal Slap Chop has diamond blades or something. But it's a fun product and the salsa turned out great!

2010-01-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

If you've just logged on and you're reading this post, at this moment, perched atop the edge of your seat, biting your nails with anticipation, waiting for those fateful words we all want to hear…you might as well get up and go make a cup of tea or something, because apparently I’m not even close. My instructions are to “come back in a week”. Talk about deflating. I even have a terrible headache and cramps which USUALLY MEANS AF is near, but apparently the universe is not finished kicking my ass just yet…

Fine – bring it. Like I give a rat's ass at this point.

So off you all go – go and enjoy your fertile and happy lives, but report back here in one week…and don’t be late.

ps I realize my post is curt…but I am full of bile today. It can’t be helped.

pps WAIT – it’s possible I might write another post in the interim…so make sure to check in…then come back in a week too.

ppps I would REALLY like more comments on my blog…every other blog I go to has “13 responses!” Just sayin’.

Rant over.

Time goes by...so slowly. Time goes by...so slowly.

2010-01-17T10:26:00.000-05:00

So...no period in sight. They told me that once I stopped taking the Superfact, I would get a period "within 3-5 days". Well today is Day 5 and there's no sign in sight...but I KNEW this...I somehow knew this wouldn't bring on a period. It's only been a couple of weeks since my last one. My body is, if nothing else, reliable...and for the past 28 years I've had a period every 28/29 days...not 17...not 22. I know drugs do miraculous things...but this time I just have a feeling.

This isn't happening.

Then there's S. How do we know she isn't half way through a cycle by now? It's been a few weeks since she's been monitored. And as far as I know she won't even be monitored on Tuesday when she goes in for her injection class. What if things have kicked in for her and we've missed the mark?

I'll call the clinic tomorrow from work and tell them it's Day 6 and still no period as promised. I just don't feel comfortable calling the clinic these days. I feel like they see me as this total pain in the ass control freak, which I know is a stretch but I'm a paranoid type person and there's nothing worse to me than having to depend on someone else for information. It doesn't seem to matter how relaxed and "ha-ha-ha I'm so chilled out - see?" I am when I call, I always get a sense that they are annoyed to be hearing from me at all...that ONCE AGAIN I am calling them before I need to be.

Can you blame a girl for being anxious? I just don't see how the timing works out... I've asked so many times, but yet I don't seem to get an answer that satisfies my worry. I can't keep asking the same questions...I feel like they are rolling their eyes behind my back.

I have to ask myself though, is it similar to those people who call me up asking about their pay? They sound so flustered and confused, yet to me it is simple. I often I feel like saying (although I never would), "Are YOU trained in human resources and payroll? No you aren't - so just let me do my job."

Is this what the clinic is doing to me? Have I become an unbearable member of the team? Surely there are women (picture CEO's VP's, etc.) who demand control and bark orders at the staff... Surely I'm not the most annoying infert to ever cross their path.

Why do I even care? CLEARLY I have way too much limbo time...

Doubt has this way...

2010-01-15T19:00:00.000-05:00

So the process is in motion, the psych complete and the legal paperwork well underway. Things are definitely in motion and by Tuesday we will have crossed our t's and dotted our i's. So why do I feel, once again, so completely hopeless? Is it only natural? After 5 years of struggling with fertility treatments, disappointment, negative pregnancy tests, and canceled IVF's, can this really be the answer? I'm sure I am a perfect candidate for a psychologist..."of course you feel this way - you've been programmed to expect negatives."

Everyone is so optimistic, the doctors, our support system...even the stats are optimistic...so why can't I feel that way? I do and I don't. Part of me wants to be excited - to expect that this SHOULD work, because it has been the answer for so many women who have lived a similar fate. But the other side of me feels that if this fails, then there is no hope. If I can't host a perfectly good embryo, then there's no more point in trying. We jumped to this point, some may feel, prematurely because of all we have suffered...but what if even this won't work?

Where will this leave us? I don't know the answer to this question, and it scares me to no end...but all I can do is keep on believing.

Keep on breathing. Keep on trying.

Raise your hand if you think your head might explode

2010-01-12T11:53:00.001-05:00

How can I buckle down and work when I have so much swimming around in my head? Appointments and lawyers and psych evals and documents to sign and contracts and payments and ultrasounds and OMG my head is literally going to explode.

So as I mentioned, I wanted to discuss with S first about the new plan. It’s not much different than the old plan, other than the timing of things. I thought we would have to wait for S to have yet another cycle and I was concerned about timing. But after a long discussion with the doc, he's told me that he knows everything he needs to about S at this point, and we can get right on it. So we hope to have legal and psych ready within a week or so because S will start her injections within about 2 weeks!! Then she has 16 days of stims to her egg retrieval, and then her work is done. Thank you S. And from that point it's up to Chris’s little swimmers to make the magic happen.

A Revised Plan of Action

2010-01-08T16:23:00.000-05:00

Well! Wasn't today's meeting with Dr. Auyeung a great one! We have a new plan, one I think S will be really happy with and one that I am really excited about...if all goes according to plan. I can't tell you what it is yet, because I want to discuss it with S first, but she has been so sick, I want to give the poor girl a few days to get better.

I'm so happy to have met this doctor, he's so flexible and willing to work with all the pieces of the puzzle. Definitely feeling more optimistic today!

2010-01-07T17:57:00.000-05:00

Today I'm feeling so down. The process I'm going through is so stressful and hard...because it's not just about me, it's dependent on so many other things. But I have to carry on...I have to keep the faith and hope that this will all work out. It has always been just Chris and me, fighting this battle, but needing outside help has been a whole new lesson in patience - one I thought I had already had to learn the hard way... but apparently 5 years of infertility wasn't quite enough. I have to ask myself... why am I doing this? Are we trying to put a square peg into a round hole?

My dad said everything always works itself out...he's absolutely right - and I know this...but its hard to see it when you are smack dab in the middle of it all.

Please keep us in your thoughts, as we get through the next few months. I am trying so hard to make the right decisions, having no experience in any of this.

I never thought this would be so hard.

Yesterday I lost it. I officially lost it.

2010-01-04T19:31:00.001-05:00

It started out innocently enough. But I was stressed. I was stressed about a lot of things, but mostly about S, and the news that she will have to return to Finland. Of course, having coped with IF for the past 5 years, my mind instantly went into "worst-case-scenario" mode...that way anything other than plain ol' screwed is gravy, right? Suddenly I felt doomed, like all of this effort, regardless of the fact that it was 100% genuine and enjoyable on my part, was all for nothing. The beginning of the end. I found myself having conversations in my head to the tune of "it was too good to be true...dammit Lisa, I TOLD YOU!"

So I started writing an email... And I couldn't spit out the words in the way that I wanted to, and I didn't want to sound mean, because we all know that's not me, and I didn't want to sound desperate, and I didn't want to sound harsh, but I needed to be firm... I also didn't want anything to be misinterpreted... So I wrote a rough draft, and then tweaked it so that it was a little less ... raw. A little more refined. Insert a couple of happy faces - et voila!

And then what did I do next?

Somehow I manage to send BOTH emails at the exact same time - the original one being all long and choppy and random thoughts and cut and paste and god knows what...and the nicey nicey version. If Chris had let me get to a toilet, I would have put my head it in and flushed.

Say it with me..."What an IDIOT!" (laughtrack)

We're hoping S has a great sense of humor because, when these things happen, they are devastating uh-huh, but afterwards they're quite hilarious. Its hilarious right?

More Donor IVF Ramblings...

2010-01-02T19:40:00.000-05:00

So its January 2, and I cannot quite contain my excitement for the upcoming months. Yesterday I answered some questions the lawyer needed in order to draft the contract, and today I firmed up an appointment for S to see the psychologist. I should have these 2 things completed within a couple of weeks. Then we have everything in place to go forward with the procedure.

S is to go to the clinic again on Tuesday. Turns out she didn't really have her "true" period - it was a fake one brought on by the drugs the doc gave her to induce a period. Kindof defeats the purpose if you ask me, but what do I know? Sort of a wasted appointment for her, and an extra expense for us, but I guess you gotta roll with the punches.

S will also have her psych eval on Thursday. Do you remember the movie "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle?" It was a suspense-thriller in the early 90's when that was all you got...all these movies with real people, living normal lives...until that one fateful day when things started to unravel... I think those movies are 100% responsible for our over-the-top paranoia... I don't know about you but "Fatal Attraction" taught me you NEVER EVER have an affair. Not if you don't want bunny stew for supper. I guess it's better to be safe than sorry, but I'm certain the doctor will size S up in about one minute and see that she is nothing more than plain old sugar n' spice.

Happy sigh....could 5 years of struggling to have a family finally happen for us this year? It's mind boggling, exciting and utterly terrifying all at the same time. I can't deny that I will still be in complete and utter shock if it works, despite the high statistics for donor egg IVF's. Do you know what it might feel like to struggle to get pregnant for 5 years, only to finally see that positive test?

I think it will be - hands down - the most exciting moment of my life.

Hold on S...just Hold on...

2009-12-31T17:06:00.001-05:00

Poor S. What a crummy couple of week's she's had. I won't go into details because it's her life, but suffice it to say that she's had her fair share of kick-you-in-the-gut type moments. Being the choked up ball of empathy, in combination with my McGiver-like tendencies, I can't help but want to fix it all for her...but this is out of my control. Nor has she asked for a single bit of help and quite rightfully she could...as we are bound and contracted to each other...but she continues to surprise me with her total fucking awesome-ness.

And she's 25 years old people...it's inspiring.

But I remember being 25 and how unsettled my life was. I was dating men I didn't really want to be dating, doing a job I couldn't stand, ignoring bills and ruining my credit ... Most importantly, I didn't treat my friends the way I would treat them now...I wish that had been different... I was a different person then, one I can't say I was too proud of.

But S is different. We were both expected at the clinic today, and she told me she was going to go early. I was aiming to go early as well, but I could not get a grip this morning and ended up being quite late. As I walked into the clinic, my heart sank a little...as from a distance I could see that the sign-in sheet had only 3 names on it. I froze for a second, and said to myself...oh please let S's name be there.

It was...it was there.

She's my little life saver right now. Even if this doesn't work...I will always remember her as the girl who came into my life when I needed someone the most.